Adventures of a lead dog

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Jeff Spreading False Leash Rumors

June 27th 2008 4:19 pm
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I am writing this diary while hearing the silly sounds of Jeff playing a video game in the background. He bought Superman Returns, and judging from the language I hear coming from the room, I suspect Superman isn't doing too well at the moment.

I have several important issues to cover today. It is hard to know where to start. Mommy got an e-mail today from the Consumers somethingerother, and it was entitled Killer Tomatoes. I wrote an entry covering Killer Tomatoes several months ago so you heard it here first. I try to keep my readers informed on the latest events. I wasn't actually sure if it was a salmonella problem as was reported in the news or if it was the result of the tomato pickers actually getting a raise. Either thing can cause all sorts of problems.

The Supreme Court has declared that carrying hand guns for protection is A-OK. I think this is a great idea. Of course,
I thought people could carry handguns for protection if they had a permit. Evidently, our founding fathers envisioned a happy world where everyone carries a gun. You know how back in the 1700's, everyone carried a small handmusket. Anyway, it is actually a great idea. If everyone is armed, then you don't really need a police force or FBI anymore. It could be like the exciting days of the old west. People can just take care of things themselves and save lots of money on trials and jails. I personally have my pistol (isn't that what they call little guns?) on order, and I plan to use it whenever it is necessary. I think it would be a lot better at killing birds.

I am thinking of ordering a RoboDog outfit so I can be a vigilante dog who makes sure that justice is served. I think it would be really cool. Now that handguns are ok, my dream can be realized. It is kind of stupid to wear a RoboDog outfit if you can't shoot at people. I like cats so cat owners, your cats are safe.

The last thing I want to mention is that in addition to the state paving the major road next to our house, this weekend is Balloonfest weekend in our town. I think this means that getting to BK for my food will be more trouble than usual. I hope Mommy doesn't decide to cook at home. Why do towns have these silly festivals that interfere with a dog's dinner? I wouldn't mind if I could go to it. Yes, dogs are allowed, but for some odd reason, Jeff refuses to take us. He said something about us not being good on a leash and trying to pull the human who is walking us down so we can escape. It is all lies put out by the establishment (Jeff) because he is too lazy to take us there. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is Perfect When Being Walked)

 

Bird Legislation

June 26th 2008 10:18 am
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I have some very important news for all the dogs out there who are keeping up with the bird situation. Congress is considering protecting a cerulean warbler. Yes, this is a BIRD!!!!!! They are considering spending lots of money (which could be better spent at Burger King) to save this bird species!!! How are we dogs going to eradicate birds if Congress misguidedly is trying to save them. Why can't the humans regcognize the birds' contribution to global warming? Do they not realize that it is the birds' fault? This is just another reason why I need your votes. I promise that as President, I will veto any legislation to save birds.

On a related bird subject, the AOL news headline yesterday had a story about a bird dropping one of its special little white bombs into a singer's mouth. I don't know who it was or how it happened. It takes way to long to click on these stories, and I'm a dog who has serious napping to do so I can't be on the computer all day. I do think that this is an important piece of news. It shows just how arrogant the birds have become.

I also want to mention that Mommy and I watched that movie I mentioned yesterday, The Manchurian Candidate. I also did a bit of research, and it sounds like McCain did collaborate with the North VietNamese, but who could blame him? He didn't want to be treated like the rest of the prisoners who are just the sons of regular people. His dad and granddad was Admirals. He was above such treatment. He even got taken to the hospital for treatment of his injuries. Most regular POWs could die from injuries. They not only were't taken to the hospital, but they weren't even give a band-aid. I am in full agreement with Mommy. I am a dog who is treated good, and I enjoy living a good life. There is nothing wrong with that. However, if I go around saying I have it bad, and I was a shelter dog, it would be a total and complete lie. Why can't McCain be as honest as I am. This is why you should vote for me instead of McCain. Remember, vote Demon Flash Bandit--dog for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (The Right Dog For the Job)

 

Manchurian Candidate???

June 25th 2008 10:02 am
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Jeff was telling me about a movie that I should watch called The Manchurian Candidate. Evidently, this movie is about a POW who is brainwashed by his captors to "destroy" his country when they give the word or something to that effect. I haven't watched it yet, but I will because Jef has it, but he hasn't seen it yet either. That movie and that remark made by McCain's top aide made me wonder if that movie is about to come true in real life. First of all, McCain was a POW, but he was an officer. Daddy was a grunt in VietNam, and he always said the officers stayed back where it was safe. They didn't generally venture out into the jungle, and they usually gave themselves medals after the firefight was over for things they didn't do because they weren't even there. If they did capture an officer, he would be a more likely candidate for brainwashing than a private since he would be more likely to rise to a higher position in the military or politics. He would also be an easier person to brainwash since he already has that "military" mindset.
I'm not an overly suspicious dog, but to make a remark about a terrorist attact being good and it should be part of their campaign strategy upset this dog. The humans I live with aren't too happy about it either. Since his party are the ones who are in charge now, it would make me think they aren't capable of thwarting an attack. It also makes me wonder how intelligent they are to even suggest such a thing. I guess they think they can do anything to get elected.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sad Election Campaigning)

 

Unbelievable News

June 24th 2008 9:12 am
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Jeff was on the computer, and he came and told Mommy that Charles Black, one of McCain's top aides said that a terrorist attack would be good for their campaign. Does this mean that they are going to arrange one to help their candidate win? Actually, Mommy thought Jeff was making it up until she saw the internet news. I want to officially announce that I plan to win the Presidency with good old fashioned common sense. The founding fathers were very wise men who had a vision for this country and I want to fulfill that vision not only for humans, but for their dogs also. I want to officially announce that I would never even think of arranging a terrorist attack just to win an election. Some people will do anything to get into power--lie, cheat, steal, or arrange a terrorist attactk. As a candidate, I want to apologize for another candidate even considering such a horrible thing--it makes a mockery of the race, and makes humans dis-trust policiticans. Remember, vote for the dog (Demon Flash Bandit) on election day.

Demon Flahs Bandit (Honest CAndidate Who Cares)

 

Song Writers Inspiration--Drugs or Brain Damage?

June 22nd 2008 7:18 am
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Today I would like to discuss a classic song from the early part of the twentieth century. That song is Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today. Mommy says it is proof that some popular songs have been silly since the beginning of time. Jeff actually came up with the song's deep philosophical meaning. I heard him say it was a metaphor for... blah....blah....blah. being a dog, I am far too intelligent to listen to Jeff's garbage. I'm still wondering how he does it with a straight face because it is such utter and complete nonsense.
The song, Yes, we have no bananas was popular, but I think it was meant to be fun. I'm sure Jeff could come up with a deeper meaning for songs the Beatles did. I don't care what Jeff comes up with, songs like Yellow Submarine are good, but they are also proof that the writers were probably stoned out of their gourd when they wrote them. I'm not criticizing--just pointing out that all yo dogs out there should just listen and enjoy--not bother with thinking about the meanings.

Mommy was watching a movie last night. I think it was called Freakz. It didn't have a dog, but it did have a dog boy, and so I'll say that at least they were trying. Dogs should be in every movie (preferably as the star).

I hope all you dogs are having a wonderful weekend, and remember, Yes, we have no dog food, eat people food today.

Demon Flash Bandit (Music Educator)

 

Candyland

June 21st 2008 2:19 pm
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I am so excited about a board game I heard about recently. It is called Candyland. If any of you have read my past diary entries, you would know that I happen to love candy. I'm not very fond of candy. I LOVE candy!!! I got so excited when I heard about it. I'm guessing the game is based on an actual place, and it sounds like the most perfect place in the world to live. Imagine a whole land filled with Mike and Ike's and Swedish Fish. It has to be the most wonderful place in the world. There is no way it could be hot there or the candy would get icky so that would be good for me since I'm not fond of hot weather. Cold weather is fine, but hot weather is lousy. If any of you dogs know where this Candyland place is, let me know. Send me a map. I've got to go there even if it is just on vacation. Who needs to cruise the Carribbean when you can go to Candyland?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who LOVES candy)

 

Candyland

June 21st 2008 2:19 pm
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I am so excited about a board game I heard about recently. It is called Candyland. If any of you have read my past diary entries, you would know that I happen to love candy. I'm not very fond of candy. I LOVE candy!!! I got so excited when I heard about it. I'm guessing the game is based on an actual place, and it sounds like the most perfect place in the world to live. Imagine a whole land filled with Mike and Ike's and Swedish Fish. It has to be the most wonderful place in the world. There is no way it could be hot there or the candy would get icky so that would be good for me since I'm not fond of hot weather. Cold weather is fine, but hot weather is lousy. If any of you dogs know where this Candyland place is, let me know. Send me a map. I've got to go there even if it is just on vacation. Who needs to cruise the Carribbean when you can go to Candyland?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who LOVES candy)

 

UTube Should Be Entertaining

June 20th 2008 10:36 am
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I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. I got a bit busy napping. You know how it is. You find a comfy spot and why leave it? The humans could learn so much from us dogs. I think they love to be miserable. It gives them a chance to complain. Maybe if someone gave them some Milkbones, they would be happier. The secret to happiness must be Milkbones and a good nap.

Several people sent Mommy a U-Tube thing about some Representaive from Texas giving a speech about light bulbs. I watched it for about 2 minutes, and I realized why most people don't know what is going on in Washington. Those people are BORING. How exciting can the subject of light bulbs be anyway. It isn't like they are a new invention. Edison came up with the idea many years ago. Henry Ford even brought Edison's whole New Jersey compound to Greenfield Village in Dearborn, MI, where the humans can actually see where he made the first light bulb. Of course, I'm guessing we dogs aren't allowed there. We are so neglected. Anyway, I doubt that Edison talked about light bulbs so much, and they were a whole new thing that at least was exciting at that time. This guy was droning on about energy saving light bulbs. I'm not saying whether he was right or wrong since even Mommy got bored out of her skull and closed the UTube thing--and not a moment too soon. I think a dog can die from that kind of boredom. I think the representatives have a conspiracy to keep people from knowing what they are up to by being so boring that no one can stand to listen.

Demon Flash Bandit (UTube Can Be Boring)

 

Stanley Cup--Why all the Fuss Over a Used Cup?

June 18th 2008 12:00 pm
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Have any of you dogs watched the X-Men. The reason I'm bringing it up is the mutant named Wolerine. He has claw like knives on his hands, but he looks like a human. Is he some kind of man-dog mutant or is he just a total wierdo? Some of those mutants are even wierder. They are allowed in restaurants and stores, yet dogs aren't. What kind of justice is that? A guy with "knife hands" can sit down for a meal at a restaurant, but we dogs can't.

I'm not quite sure if I heard Jeff correctly, but I think the Detroit Red Wings won the Stanley Cup. Why are they giving the Red Wings Stanley's cup without his permission? Do they wash it first? Why would they be happy "winning" a used cup? Since they are called Red Wings, are they birds? These are very important questions that I have been pondering for the past couple of days. So far, here are the answers I have came up with. They had to play Stanley to "win" the cup because he didn't want to give it up. I don't know if it is washed before they get it, but I would suggest washing it before you drink anything out of it. I don't think they are birds, but a dog can't be too careful about the whole bird situation. Birds sometimes disguise themselves. Someone should tell the Red Wings that cups aren't usually very expensive when they are new, and since they are okay with a used cup, they need to learn about an event that many Americans take part in every weekend--the garage sale. That is where people take all the stuff that they no longer need, and put it into their garage. Then they sell it to other people who might be able to use it. Some humans get a little carried away and will buy anything and everything. I heard about one human who bought a bunch of losing lottery tickets. Okay, I made that one up, but if they are losing MI instant tickets with the dog's photos on them, it would be a wise purchase. I'm thinking of having a dog house sale, but I don't want to part with any of my toys. I also have a bit of a problem since I don't have a dog house. I live inside the human's house. A dog's life is so complicated.

Back to the whole hockey thing. It is probably the stupidest game invented, but it is played on ice which is its only redeeming feature. Have they thought of including huskies as kind of a half time dog show? We sled dogs love ice and snow!

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting On Garage Sales)

 

Humans Need Dogs

June 17th 2008 8:23 am
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I think I should have my own office for writing my diary entries. I am expected to write when I am surrounded by toys, and not good toys with squeakies, but silly human toys. Must a dog have to write in the middle of Mommy's e-bay inventory? For example, there is this Major Powers action figure. It says major problems require MAJOR solutions which means calling in MAJOR Powers. Personally, I don't see it. It is a human action figure, not a dog. Humans can't solve a problem without a dog. Scooby Doo is a perfect example of a group that, even though they didn't admit it, would have been completely lost without their dog. I guess the human action figures make the children feel better, but they aren't being brought up with the truth. They need a dog to survive.

The humans just keep acting odder and odder. The CA Supreme Court had a new marriage ruling. Evidently, this new marriage ruling has a lot of people upset. I tried to understand, and I came to the conclusion that humans must like to tell each other how to live which we dogs are too smart to do. It is hard enough for a dog to live his own life. We don't want to get involved with telling other dogs what to do. Some of them are kind of grouchy, and they might bite. Then this former right wing (watch him--he might be a bird) senator, Rick Santorum was talking about marrying his mother-in-law because he loves her which sounded kind of creepy. I asked Mommy and she said it is kind of creepy too, and also a bit stupid because, with the CA ruling, her should be marrying his father-in-law. I think either one is creepy, and I wonder about people who would vote for a creepy guy like that. I guess he must be close friends with that Michael Jackson character because he is kind of creepy too. Humans seem to spend a monumental amount of time trying to tell each other what to do. No wonder they don't have enough time for a good nap which is what I plan to do now.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Will Stick With Girl I Marry--Not Leave Her For Her Mother like Rick Santorum, Former Right Wing Senator)

 
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