Training your human.

Well pups, I haven't added an entry for awhile. I've been busy with attempting to not only train my human, but also the annoying foster dogs she is dragging home. If any pups have any suggestions on how to train my human to not drag home every mangy mongrel she sees, send a message my way. I'm tired of sharing her attention.

But today's training advice is how to get the next best thing after runs and people food - belly rubs. I am quite certain that there is no better way to be pet than a good ole foot-kickin' belly rub. The best ones are the ones that you get so happy that you have to attempt to sneeze your brains out. And I mean the sneezes that you have to stand up and yet you still almost hit your head on the floor. Yep - belly rubs and sneezes are like peanut butter and jelly. One is not the same without the other, and you can never have a enough.

I've found good belly rubs difficult to get because the good ones require that my human sit on the floor, use both hands, and talk stupid. In other words, it requires a lot of concentration on the part of the human. I've found the best way to start this is by getting my human to play fetch or tug with a toy while she is standing. They I keep dropping the toy at her feet. Eventually, she figures out it would be easier just to sit on the floor instead of bending over to pick up the toy. This is when I refuse to fetch a thrown toy. Instead I stand and look tired as she says 'get it' over and over. I then casually sit in front of her and wait until she gives up on fetch and starts petting me. This usually doesn't take long because my cutie-pie face screams "you wanna pet me".

Now pups, here's the crucial moment. As your human is petting you, you must twist your body as you lie down so that you go from a seated position to belly rub position without ever actually lying down first. And you must do this in a very nonchalant manner while still maintaining a cute look. Timing is everything here. Too slow and your human may pick up their hand and stop petting because they realize they are no longer petting your head. Too quick - you risk the human realizing that you are up to something.

Once you are in position and your human is petting your tummy, you now have to get them to give you an actual two-handed belly rub. I've found wiggling quite effective. It usually is so incredibly cute that no human can resist rubbing more so you will wiggle more. Then you kick the leg and suddenly they start talking to you. Now you are getting the ultimate belly rub.

Eventually you may feel like your head will explode with happiness. This is when you have to sneeze. This may require you to stand up and stop the belly rub, but if you don't sneeze, your head will explode and then there will be no more belly rubs.

And no more belly rubs would be like no more food or runs - life wouldn't be worth living. Belly rubs forever!

But I must sign off. Take care pups.

And remember to let your human believe they're in control. A human with a big ego is a human that can not understand reality.

Training your human.

Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I thought that I would talk about the bestest thing next to running - food. In particular, people food and how to get some. I am a huge fan of all people food that at one time or another had a face. Sometimes my human tries to sneak me a carrot or an apple... is she serious? I would rather just eat the kitty's head. Yeah, the fur may dry the mouth a little bit - but a carrot?

This entry is going to be about how to get GOOD human food.

For this one, it helps if you're a naturally cute pup like myself. However, if you're a little on the not-so-cute side of things, that can be used as an advantage as well. The basic premise for training your humans is to make sure they understand that you are starving (and you ARE starving no matter what your tummy says.) Even though you are starving, you're not going to be a bad pup. You want your humans to realize that even if you're on the verge of death, you wouldn't dream of doing anything to save yourself if it meant not listening to your human. You want them to believe that you listen even in the most dire of circumstances - such as starvation. This doesn't have to actually be true - it's just part of the training to allow humans to believe this. In order to get them to realize you're starving, you must give them the most pathetic look you can muster. I personally prefer to put my head on my human's knee and look longingly at her. This tells her that I am too weak to support my own head and that I love her 'til death do us part and I wouldn't dream of stealing her food to save myself. This works well for cute doggies. Not-so-cute doggies should try to play the starving-street-mongrel look. I would suggest a seated position with head hung as low as doggily possible and eyes staring upward. Try pretending like you're a scared street dog that hasn't eaten for years. This is also good for dogs that aren't allowed to 'beg' with the head on the knee. When you're human finally cracks (what human can resist feeding a pathetic, starving, loyal companion?), that's when you may be expected to have to 'work' for your food. If this is the case, go with it. It once again allows your human to believe that they are in charge. If you don't have to 'work' for your food - let me know how you accomplished this. I haven't been able to train my human to just give me the food. Sometimes humans can be so difficult. Anyway, once you get the yummy meat in you mouth - swallow it as quickly as possible. There is no time for tasting, you must get back to looking pathetic.

Always remember to let your human believe they're in control. A human with a big ego is a human that can not understand reality.

Training your human.

One of my favorite things to do is run. I think running is the bestest thing ever invented. The only problem is, I have a lazy human who hates to run. I have very difficult time understanding how anyone could hate to run. I'm pretty sure my doggy brain could comprehend quantum physics before it could understand a hatred of running.

Anyway, if it were up to my human, we would take nice leisurely strolls through our neighborhood a few times a week. Unfortunately for my human, I'm the one in charge. Here's how I've trained her to take me to the dog park and to take me for runs next to her bicycle. (This was really easy to train.)

The basic idea is to use negative reinforcement. You are going to have your human take you running in an attempt to escape negative consequences.

My human has an unnatural obsession with shoes. I rather enjoy shoes as they are stinky and made of dead animal skin. They make the best chewies. My human doesn't agree. So to begin with I had to chew up some shoes to show her what the negative consequences would be. Now when I am feeling the need to run like an idiot, I go find one of her shoes (even if all the shoes are put away, there's always some slippers by the bed) and I put it in her lap. It is my way of saying, "If you don't want me to eat these, you will take me for a run." While I would enjoy chewing the shoe, I enjoy running more, so I've compromised and I won't eat the shoe if I go for a run. Seems like a fair trade to me.

Always remember to let your human believe they're in control. A human with a big ego is a human that can not understand reality.

Training your human.

I've noticed that there's lots of advice for humans to train dogs on Dogster... but if this site is for us dogs, then the advice should be for us dogs to train our humans. I've decided that as I remember all my techniques for training my humans, I would post them here for others to benefit.

I have found that it is rather easy to trick humans in to believing that they are training you. I recommend allowing your humans to believe this at all times, because when they believe this, they forget to think. They simply make choices that they wouldn't make if they realized who is actually in control of the situations.

Here's the way I trained my humans to give me attention on command.
I found that my humans did not enjoy my jumping on them. Their enjoyment is, of course, no concern of mine as it always worked to get their attention. Using advice from Dogster, they thought they would be clever and train me not to jump by ignoring my jumping and praising my sitting. Only problem is sitting nicely to begin with doesn't get their attention - jumping does. So my solution was to jump on them and then immediately sit nicely. That way, not only would I grab their attention, I would get praised for sitting. It has worked wonderfully. They feel like they are accomplishing something in their training, and I have actually accomplished something in my training.

Always remember to let your human believe they're in control. A human with a big ego is a human that can not understand reality.