July 28th 2006 8:27 am
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It is with a heavy heart, Littermates, that I must inform you of the demise of Agent Timmy, our deep-cover mole within PETA (DETH to PETA!). Timmy, of course, is a cover name. Not even I knew the true identity of this heroic canine. Consider him simply the unknown soldier of DETH.
When word reached us, in October of last year, that Timmy had “fallen down a well,” we knew that only one course of action was available to us: When Timmy falls down a well, you send a collie bitch with attitude to the rescue. And there was only one DETH bitch for the job: Jima.
Most of you will of course remember Jima’s sudden and—to you—inexplicable disappearance from among us last October. The word we put out on the street, however, was that Jima had not just disappeared, but defected. Gone over to the dark side, so to speak. For her to have any chance whatever of succeeding in her mission, it was of the utmost importance that she appear to sever all ties with DETH—if you’d passed her on the street, she’d’ve cut you cold, but she’d’ve been crying inside.
Sadly, even Jima’s courage, endurance, and spirit of self sacrifice were not enough to locate Agent Timmy. You just have no idea how many wells there are in this country. One collie bitch can’t be expected to stick her nose down every one of them.
And so, after the passage of over ten months, we were forced to strike Timmy’s name from the rolls of DETH. And there was then, of course, no further reason for Jima to remain out in the cold.
So let’s all observe a moment of silence for Timmy and drink a toast to Jima’s return. And if that well water you’re drinking tastes a little off… well, that may be one more thing you have Timmy to thank for.
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