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Big Brass Ones

In which Dexter worries about type casting

July 25th 2006 4:34 pm
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Dexter: Dexter runs up the trail. Dexter runs down the trail past the camera. Dexter splashes around in some water. You call this a script?! I mean, once, maybe. But twice in a row?

the biped: It wasn’t actually twice in a row, Dexter. We did Addicted to Dexter in between. Remember?

Dexter: Addicted to Dexter? Please. You just spliced together a bunch of stills we had lying around. And you didn’t even manage to get the transitions on the beat, for Dog’s sake. Any drunk could have pulled a better video out of his… out of his bottle!

the biped: Well, I don’t think that’s quite fair, Dexter. I mean, the drummer wasn’t really that good… didn’t keep a very steady beat… you know?

Dexter: Never mind the drummer. Never mind the beat. I’m talking about scripts. For actual videos. You know, where I actually get to do something. Who writes this drivel, anyway.

the biped: Well, we’ve got this tech writer who’s maybe a little past his prime. Not long on imagination, but on a good day, he can spell. Really, Dexter, he’s all we can afford on our budget. We’re not made of Greenies, you know.

Dexter: OK, OK, he’s all we can afford. But can’t he write anything besides Dexter runs up the trail. Dexter runs down the trail past the camera. Dexter splashes around in some water?

the biped: Well, you know, Dexter, they’re action videos. Running up and down trails and splashing around in the water are what you’re good at. Nobody better, in fact! And he did write you that scat-rolling scene in O, Happy Dog! That was something new and different for you.

Dexter: Right. The scat-rolling scene. How could I have forgotten the scat-rolling scene. Just the kind of stretch every actor dreams of.

the biped: Well, gee, Dexter… What kind of thing do you want to do in your next video—assuming we can get financial backing for another one?

Dexter: I don’t know. Serious drama? Romantic comedy? Maybe something with a good love scene? Or something that shows off my intense, brooding side. Anything that breaks me out of this running up and down the trail type casting.

the biped: Weeeell… There’d be a lot of close-up work involved in any of those. You’d have to be able to convey a lot just with facial expressions. Do you think you can do that?

Dexter: You bet I can. Here, I’ll show you. What’s my face conveying to you right now?

the biped: Um… Vacuity? A complete and total absence of expression?

Dexter: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s what I was going for. How about this one?

the biped: You’re looking puzzled, Dexter.

Dexter: How about now?

the biped: Confused?

Dexter: OK. And now?

the biped: I’d say quizzical, with just a touch of I-really-need-to-go-outside-and-relieve-myself.

Dexter : [sigh] Well, if action was good enough for Schwartzenegger…

the biped: I’m glad you feel that way about it, Dexter. Now it just so happens that I have a new script right here. In this first scene, you’re running across the screen…

Dexter: On a trail?

the biped: Of course on a trail. Now pay attention…


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