Life with Beatrix Potter

Me ask you this...

Dear Diary,

Me ask you this...

How 'portant it is tell trufs? It ever time just keep yap shut say nothing or it always good give little guidance?

Me tell story...okay, between you an' me huh? Trufs be told this Octopus not 'xactly pick of litter, few apple shy of bushel that thing huh?

Whole entire summer it a thing...she go out in garden, hum little song...*Beatrix stuffs cotton in her ears and covers them with her paws* it horrible song but me digress. Octopus bring in flower...ugh! It flower on table, in little vases...then she photograph flower...ugh! Okay, me patient about all this. She say "Beatrix look these flower, me like you smell it cheya you up." Ugh me say...look stinky flower not cheya self up...bring in little cat poo...now THAT cheya Beatrix up. Pffft

So now me KNOW Octopus slip gear...she draggin' in dead everything from garage. Sing this little song it Barney song so bear with best friend okay? Brace self...

It season after summer it before the winter it the fall it the fall it the fall...

Okay, me say you this, teenagers NO like Barney song! Sorry...they roll eyes huff, puff like little dragon see Octopus theya in her Hello Kitty outfit (that whole nother story ugh) sing little song drag in all kind dead jimmer jabber...

Not bad enough this stuff dead...oh NOoooOoo she gotta strew it ALL over me nice house. Little leafy thing belong in weedeater that what ME say!! Dead leaf belong in bag at CURB...dead flower...UGH ugh and UGH

She say "Beatrix, Jack Frost gonna' nip you nose...it get cold now" ROFBOL It cold in Los Angeles it because Suzy turning up air conditioner too high!! Whoever this dog Jack Frost me say you this...me not excited he gonna' bite best friend on nose!

Now this me final exhibit that Octopus go completely mad this time...she CLAIM it TRUFS..."leaf fall from trees." Me swear!! me not lie even little bit! Octopus belief leafs all gonna' fall off trees!! ROFBOL Who ever heya of that!! Me four year old in all me life me no see tree wifout leaf!! Silly, silly Octopus!!

So heya back to question...me call men in little white coat try to get help for the Octopus? Or me brace self hope this blow over? What think?

Who invent this thing?

Hello me diary...

Me heya ask you this...WHO invent this thing? *Beatrix holds up a flat moose dolly* Lookee this...*Beatrix tosses it up in the air...it lands limply*

What kind human ding dong this THIS a toy for woof? It got NO stuffing!! NOt even little bit...it just limp furry thing...PFFT what me say.

That crazy Octopus drag this thing home from store a MONF ago!! me have this thing WHOLE entire monf!!

She holler when she coming in "BEA !! BEA...HONEY BEA" Ugh...that me new name!! *Beatrix rolls her eyes* Honey Bea? You kidding me? The Octopus think this name SOooOooOo clever...but me digress huh? She holler for me like she have REAL prize something like that...

There she is in doorway hair all a shamble from shopping...eye all bulgey like some kind crazy squirrel wif nut in cheeks...me actually feel sorry for her see her so excited over nothing so me do it...me fake happy.

"OOoooO" me say..."OooooOoo" Me say twice because need time think up WHAT gonna' say huh? "For me?" Then me clasp this lifeless piece of limp furry to me chest like it prize...what that get me? Big ol' sloppy kiss right on me mouf!! PFFFT Me sure hoping me not get sick from that~!!

Me even rip little hole in top see if maybe stuffing all squish down...me sniff it real careful like make sure it new...me think maybe it old icky one some other dog already kill you know? Nope it new...

That beg question...WHO invent THIS thing?

In the end somebody pee on the thing!! ROFBOL...Not know if it me little son Honey Beya or best friend OttO (pronounce this Uh TOE) but whoever do it agree wif Beatrix WHO invent THIS thing?!?

And so the lie continue...ugh...everytime the Octopus come by me gotta FAKE me LOVE this thing an' it not look like it wearing out anytime soon! What about pee? Ugh...washing machine take care of that...*Beatrix shakes her head sadly* Yep, it clean again...so heya me sit wif weird little destuff furry thing...maybe me stick it on head wear for hat? Maybe me hang it in garden scare away any creature about...think same same happen to them for steal vegetables huh?

Ugh!! Me LOVE you diary!! XOXOXO BB

Into the Sunshine...

Dear Diary,

It Beatrix again...little happy pill finally kick in!! Me moving self into sunshine again...

Me have many best friend who stand by Beatrix. It touch heart know so many woof care. Best friend Sabrina even volunteya be me own service woof! now that good friend ME say! Many prayers for BB...

WHEN? Well, the Octopus have this surgery on her mouf huh? There she sit look just like skawy puffer fish now...all of sudden me see her theya think how funny she look!! Oh yeah!! Me leap around on bed wif wild eyed, make woo woo woof, waggle tail...Octopus not even able holler wif delight just make bloody bubbles wif mouf!! ROFBOL...Bloody human spit tasty treat!! Oh yeah!! me a helper!!

Then she saying me head gonna' explode! This kick best friend into high gear setting up video camera! Me SURE me get this on YouTube entertain many wif explode head Pufferfish mum huh...ugh...she lie...it not explode yet. PFFFT to that.

So me taking little happy pill. Octopus set up whole master suite thingy be Beatrix happy hang out place! Oh yeah!! Even Suzy room not as nice as ME one!! Me bring in me crate, get me some new fat and comfy pillow for it too. Since me not chew anymore me can have many fatty batty pillow! Me even know how open crate door wif me paw. Sometime me just need little chance get away. So me open door go in, close door. This mean Hey! Leave me alone huh? But me not sad. Me glad.

Me thank all best friends who help Beatrix out...Me LOVE vawy much!
XOXOXO BB

It Beatrix heya...

First, me want say you this, it from bottom of heart

**THANKING BEST WOOFS***

Me never know me have so many friend. Beatrix have many letter, rosette so many nice woof say prayer...It touch me heart...so many letter me not able respond all so me gonna' say you all this heya okay? But many best friend ask many good question...so me try to answer heya okay? Okay!

You think me get break? NO way! The Octopus hauling back an' forf to vet. Me sure neighbor think me having little fling wif vet way me always on way to vet or way from vet! Have vampire guy working theya. Suck the blood right out me neck!! Octopus just stand theya...not stop him!! Nope...suck me blood, tell the Octopus everything show that me okay...all me organs working real good. Now heya scary part; me not have organ. Organ belong to teenager, me have piano an' they not mention piano. UGH...what a run around at vet huh?

Yep, woof can be bipolar beyas just like human. Us similar medication to what use in human...it harder treat because woof not do alot blah blah talk talk. Woof too cool for that. Woof just woof.

Yes, it true in middle of all this drama Octopus have three hours of oral surgery yesterday! BOL She all swell up like puffer fish!! She not gonna' eat for days!! An' you wonder why me askert? Even on good day she sKAWY...now this. Upside? She not able sing like fog horn! BOL

So me an' the Octopus curl up in bed together. Us snuggle, hug. Me think meds helping Beatrix. Now me up ON beddy bye instead under.

Me an' Octopus read all message together. Octopus pray wif Beatrix and give little happy pill. Today me hold stuff toy. Who know maybe tomorrow me tear something! BOL

Me got paws full wif me Octopus, so me not able respond all messages, but make heart smile, say me LOVE you!! thank you for be Beatrix best friend!! Thank you for say prayer...

XOXOXOXO BB

Darkness...Please read diary entry BEFORE this first okay?

Me not been around on Dogster too much...it dark, VAWY dark right now for best friend. Me only want lay in dark wif head under bed. Me no want play toys, no want rip toys...even flip flop not look good right now.

Me little son Baby confuse an' lonely...he want play. He come find his mum...me not recognize. Me snap at me son, Octopus grab me before me able bite. Me not self, not know what doing.

Octopus calling me name, but she sound so far away, me not able respond, just want darkness eat Beatrix. Just swallow best friend. Me climb deeper into darkness, try lie still as can.

Again, there she is, that horrible Octopus not even respect when me need this darkness eat self. She drag out, haul to rockey chair, sing, hug, rock. Me not even care me Octopus sing like fog horn. Somehow the rockey chair calm self, somehow sing song help little bit. But when sing stop me slink away, look for darkness again.

Me not know self at all...me do unwoofable acts. Me not even able woof this. It not Beatrix at all. When me realize what me do me hide, tremble, shake, beg darkness eat Beatrix.

Octopus giving little happy pill to Beatrix but me not happy. Octopus calling many places. Do everything can...everybody say "must wait, give little happy pill time..."

And so us wait, Octopus hold most of day, sometimes lie on bed wif Beatrix wrap body around Beatrix. Say me again and again, "You're all right Beatrix, me heya wif you. You okay...me LOVE you Beatrix." Right now, that what me got and that what me take. An old, not too sharp crayon the Octopus who want rock, cuddle and sing.

So now me reveal biggest secret of me life, you ever tell this diary me say you liar, Beatrix love vawy much the Octopus an' the Octopus love vawy much Beatrix.

Me hope by me woof this heya it say how me recover from illness...So me little friend, if you read this know me LOVE you vawy much.

If me not able woof back to best friends right now, it because me vawy sick, need rock, sing. Soon me be okay again, then us all laugh, sing everything.

Me a polar beya..

***From the Octopus***
I have been on the fence about Beatrix posting the next two diary entries, they are very honest and may make you sad. If you don't wish to read them, please close the window now. Rest assured I am doing all I can at this time to support Beatrix as she finds her way. I am in close contact with her personal physician. There are things going on that I have purposely omitted, for the sake of Beatrix's dignity, I hope you understand. If you wish to send a rosette, Beatrix is asking you please to send them to "new little doggy who not have friend yet"...I won't be able to respond to all of her mails as my time is consumed with Beatrix. Beatrix says those who read her diaries mean everything in her heart. Best friends make heart smile and Me LOVE you for it too! Please keep Beatrix in your prayers...Thank you, "The Octopus"

Hello Diary,

It me Beatrix an' me say you big SHUSH huh? You breave woof of this an' Beatrix OFF Dogster...Dogster for DOG okay...

So many things happening wif Beatrix. Not have attention span say you all this heya okay. But it got the Octopus all upset have poor best friend Beatrix back an' forth wif vet. Much blah, blah stuff. Like WHO care about blah blah...smell like woof in heya before Beatrix who pee on floor now THAT interesting!! Now THAT type of thing blah blah should be about huh? Who pee wheya and why!!...smell like kitty do something over theya, an' me mention you about this? Have LIVE black kitty cat at vet too!!

Me like him...me sit quiet on me bottom, tip me head this way an' that say "hello Oscar" in me heart...but Oscar? Ugh...he NOT want make friend!! He just strut away say "HmmmphF, you a dog! Me no like."

So after much visit wif vet who VAWY nice BTW wif Beatrix, vet say me this...Beatrix a polar Beya...not just any kind polar beya too...it a BI-Polar Beya. Me think this mean, Beatrix sometime living in south pole and sometime living in norf pole. Something like this huh?

So me have little pills me aposed to take...me keep you posted on this okay? Not know how it gonna' work, not know about it huh?

Octopus say not matter about polar beya, poles nothing...me am her little woof an' she love vawy much best friend Beatrix. Today? Today, me taking that from her, today me say okay why not, you pet best friend...us kiss, snuggle hug...that make heart happy!

Me have nice, nice new friend!!

Hello best friend Diary,

It Beatrix heya...me woof you this...Beatrix have nice, nice, new friend!! Exciting huh?

So heya me sit in me little house, all lonely huh? Me just waiting make something exciting happen when all of sudden me look up and theya on terrace in me own backyard what me see?!?

NEW nice, nice best friend!!

He VAWY cute!! He big brown furry bear!! Oh yeah!! Beya gonna' be new best friend!! This make heart smile...

About this time the mean ol' Octopus see new best friend outside, he right theya by next to me doggy door, me sure he gonna' come in laugh, play, sing, everything when BAM! The mean ol' Octopus LOCK doggy door locking nice beya OUT!!

Me holler HEY!! And that how me find self lock in hallway behind baby gate. The Octopus NOT stop theya...oh no!! She dial 911 say..."Me have bear in backyard need little help."

This make Beatrix happy, it FIRST time Octopus admit she need help...me so happy thinking men in white coat finally coming to lock up the Octopus!!

That when they send out dog catcher guy (it small city in suburb not alot of employee huh?) Send out dog catcher pole for me new best friend, Bear.

Then me hollering "Run, Beya Run!!" Me pray he get away...he leap up over 9 foot brick wall like it nothing...he strut around on top, tease the Octopus little bit and disappeya into neighbor yard!! WooHooo!! Run, Beya Run!!

So now the Octopus all Kwazy...she think best friend Beya gonna' hurt woof!! She got us lock in heya like us live in dungeon, want best friend Beatrix pee on pad...then couple time a day she grab whistle...slip out backdoor hunt for Beya, when she not see him she let me out...use toilet while Octopus watching wif whistle!!

Now me ask you this...you think the Octopus able use bafroom if Beatrix watch wif whistle? Pfffft!!

Now me say you this...Octopus not large lady...what gonna' happen if she bump into Beya in backyard anyways? See, she not exactly brightest bulb.

So doggy catcher encourage Beya go home (he promise come back BTW) and he not take Octopus away either!!

Happy Father day!!

WoohoOooOo!! It best howliday of year!! Pfft to Kwissmiss, Valentine everything...this howliday about DADDY!!

If you know Beatrix, you KNOW it all about daddy!! Me heart belong Daddy.

It just me an' daddy...yeah, yeah some other human live heya too, maybe few dogs but me not really notice because it all about DADDY!!

Poor Daddy work all night last night...he laying theya this morning try to get little shut eye...me think how much me LOVE daddy...how me tell him this? How me let Daddy know he most specialist Daddy?

Me rocket out of bed wif great idea!! Oh yeah!! In just minute me back...what say "Daddy, Me LOVE you like poo covered woof?" So theya me Daddy try sleep...me rocket in, cover in poo, me jump up on bed...lick kiss an' snorf his eyeballies. What nicer way wake up sweet daddy than wif poo huh? When he smell poo puppy he holler wif JOY!! Oh yeah!! Us get in shower right away huh?

The Octopus VAWY jealous me suprise Daddy this way. She stomping around heya washing all sheets, blankets stuff like that!! BOL

It ALL about Daddy!!

So me say few reason why me Daddy have me heart okay?

1. Me Daddy LOVE Beatrix, he get feeling hurt you say ANYTHING about Beatrix!

2. In me Daddy eyes Beatrix do NO wrong.

3. Love heya Daddy say "Where me Pretty Girl?" That make Beatrix come running!!

4. Me & Daddy sleep together everynight. Us like snuggle, me like put head on chest listen heart beat of Daddy. (Me have nice crate for the Octopus but Daddy soft hearted let her up on bed)

5. Me LOVE go hike wif Daddy!! Us have adventure!! Daddy like carry Beatrix when me hot and tired. He never complain, say heavy nothing...just carry.

6. Best time of day when Daddy come home from work. This make heart smile!

Me have many, many more...just wanna' say Hey! Happy Father day to Daddy from his best girl...Beatrix

XOXOXOXO Me LOVE you Daddy!!

WHAT go on in TV?

Dear Diary...

Me ask you this...what make television work? Me sit heya watch TV see all these yummy foods!! Me LIKE!! Me see other woof!! Me LOVE...so me decide find out what really on TV.

Me wait until the Octopus up to elbows in Poodle fur...this always best time because she little distracted huh? Give best friend time work around theya you know?

So me see me chance...theya the Octopus running around living room like wild hyena clipper running and me little son Baby on the run...charging around like circus pony, little tail swirling the Poodle fur around room...

Oh that me chance all right...have little narrow opening between wall and television thingy...me just able squeeze self back theya. NOW...*Beatrix licks her lips* NOW...me think me gonna' find that yummy food and many woof to play wif Beatrix...not see much so me squeeze self little further...many cobweb me tell you that! If this any sample of the Octopus housekeeping skill us all gonna' die of something!! Oh that for shuya!! Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze...oh dear!!

Suddenly me not able turn around get out!! Me trap!! It probably the Octopus try trap me heya!! FINALLY she start looking around say "Beatrix Wheya you? BEATRIX!!" Not know why but she always say Quiet Beatrix mean trouble.

Well, she take long enough find best friend. Now she not sharpest crayon in box so she gotta call Teenagers say "Help!! Look you sister back theya...how us get her out?" It a GOOD thing too us have teenagers in house!! They rescue best friend!! Hold Beatrix say "Little sister you okay? You scared?"

So long story short...got bunch of wires, cobwebs and NO food and NO friends!! UGH!!

Me not like TV now!! Wait til Daddy heya what happen to Beatrix!!

Beatrix the Farmer woof!!

Oh yeah!! It true!! Me see Michelle Obama, say "Me making kitchen garden"...Beatrix make one too!! Oh yeah!!

*Beatrix doing a little farming dance*

So it really portant see, gotta get rid the grass. You not able grow something eat if have grass!! Now this take ALOT of work!! Must lock human IN house. They get little freaky when see grass being removed. Not know why but they tap on windows holler at woof...UGH...it VAWY distracting when you trying remove grass so lock you human up before you do this huh?

Then gotta dig holes...LOT of hole okay!! LOT!!! Now you not worry WHEYA dig these holes and it ugly make straight row!! REALLY clever if you dig holes near backdoor so when you human come out they give little skip of delight maybe even a holler for falling in the holes!! If you make hole big enough they even get right in theya roll around WHILE they holler for joy!!

Also gotta pull up any new planting you see human making. They not real sharp about plant so they plant odd thing. It woof job pull it up bring it in doggy door and QUICK before it get root. Once it get root it little hard pull it up BUT you persistent keep try you be able, not worry.

Now the Octopus little naughty. Me take her Obedience but she still NOT train me tell you that right now. She not brightest bulb huh? Well, she put up little gates, fences trellises block best friend Beatrix from all the UGULEE she plant!! That NOT stop me!! Oh no!! Me try to climb...everything!! Me NOT rest try to help out!!

That Octopus put some UGULEE tomatoe thingy around behind shed then try to hide it from best friend wif little white trellis thingy...WELL...that NOT fool Beatrix!! OH no!! Me find little tiny passage just inches wide between block wall and back of shed...me not rest...me work me way all way around to see what she do!! AHA!! pot after pot of UGULEE!! Me catch her!! Me start back but can't find me way...oh no!! Me trap!! Me never going to see me little son Baby again!! Me began bark, woof, yap yap!! Here come the Octopus lumbering out of house, hair going every which way like sick walrus. She see best friend theya say "Beatrix WHAT you doing back theya?" Me all cover wif cobweb, dirt and leaf!! Ugh!! What a mess!!

Now, me just gotta get that Octopus under control and us gonna' have nice nice like White House thingy!!

Me keep you posted!! Me do love you me diary!!

Look!! Look what me get!!

*Beatrix running in a piece of paper in her mouth*

Dear Diary,

You not believe me this...me little friend Winnie Joy woof this for Beatrix!!

*Beatrix smoothes out the paper and carefully glues it into her diary, taking a moment to sample the paste* MmmMm paste so minty, tasty hard to help self...

B" is for beautiful!
"E" is for essental!
"A" is for awesome!
"T" is for talented!
"R" is for really fabulous!
"I" is for inspirational!
and "X" is for X-tra special!
B-E-A-T-R-I-X!
Yeaaaaaa, Beatrix!
We need Beatrix:
Poodle mom extraordinaire!!!

That clever huh? This mean Winnie Joy say me have Poodle baby!!

So while me heya diary, me ask you this question...what mean "portant paper" and why human all testy about it? Just look like tasty morsel to Beatrix...

Okay, okay me explain you this...First me say it not Beatrix fault. That mean ol' Octopus abandon woof ALONE in house go out run errand. That right theya WRONG on so many level huh?

Me "cage free" now!! Daddy say me this...say poor Beatrix. How you like to be in little cage Octopus? You not even give Beatrix chance be FREE, how you know she still do something? She big girl now...that all in past.

See, what me tell you Daddy smart one heya!! He not got ping pong ball for brain!!

Well, that ol' Octopus try to bring up all kind stuff like time me chew hole in wall, time me rip up berber carpet, eat area rug, antique chair passed down from generation...ugh! Time to buy new chair me say!! Bring up that stuff...it all have reason for each one you know...me not just willy nilly over heya!!

So anyways me "cage free" now. So Crazy Octopus working hard for several week on some dumb human blah blah report...me see it theya...read few lines. Well, poor Octopus, poor, poor Octopus, she work so hard and what she write terrible!! It most boring thing me ever read in me life!! Me start doze off it so bad...she got NO talent for write if you asking Beatrix...me almost hit head on the desk me fall into such deep sleep.

Well, me not want her embarass self by turn that thing in!! Oh dear huh? So what a woof to do? Let human embarass self or save what little dignity her have?

Well, you guess it, out of goodness of me heart me put self aside and rip to tiny shreds thing boring thing!! Make teeny little pieces ensure NOBODY gonna' get hold this thing know what terrible writer Octopus is.

When she come home she whoop and holler...she dance around. Oh she happy me help alright!! Oh yeah!!

It once again Best Friend Beatrix to rescue!! Me work heya never done!!

WooOoOoOoHooOoooooooOO Demolition Beatrix is BACK!!!

You worried huh? *Beatrix dancing around wildly* You NEVER worry about best friend, diary! Me ALWAYS on ME game!! That mean old Octopus NEVER gonna' get better of Beatrix!!!

WooooHoOoooOoO!!!

Okay *looks around for the Octopus* me tell you this okay? And remember me dear, dear diary this just between me and you huh?

So, it early in morning huh? Octopus off to take Nana & Papa to airport for their big trip. Cinnamon & Honey Beya come over heya for this week!! WooHoOoOoo!!

So, the Octopus, silly human, you know she not brightest bulb huh, she TRUST best friend!! Just like me plan, she fall right into me trap. She leave me CRATE FREE and head off to air port...leaving five little woof alone in house!! (Johnny always go wif her) Me say WooOoOoHoOoO!!! It demolition time!!

Me get me paws on Baby new blingee collar!! Yep, chew that patent leather...oh it delicious! *Beatrix licks her paws at the memory* it have shiney gold letter spell out BEN...they tough me tell you this. They tough...but best friend keep it up and manage cleverly to BEND letters out of shape!! *more wild leaping around*

Then me finish off house wif pee and poo everywheya!! *Beatrix high fives herself* That Octopus still mopping, cleaning and muttering under her breaf! She not DARE yell at best friend because that gonna' hurt Daddy feeling. She know she not even dare tell him because it upset Daddy who say Beatrix perfect in every way!!

Oh yeah, you not worry Diary, Beatrix BACK!! Me plotting next move!! Wif six woof in house it gonna' be WILD KWAZY kind of fun!!

XOXOXOXO Beatrix

Special Poem and...WHAT become of BEATRIX?!?

Dear Diary...

*Beatrix nibbles the page a bit, the diary cover has already been devoured, diary is dogeared and torn and a bit dirty but loved*

Me have VAWY sweet pawmail today...me have vawy classy little Poodle friend name Sinclair...she woof Poem about BEATRIX!! NO!! Me not kid you something like this!! Heya what she woof

Forget you, Beatrix?"

Could my heart forget to beat?
You are more precious than a diamond...
You are the light that shimmers through the edges.
I want to be one of those edges.
I don't hear the world anymore,
Just it's echoes.

Sinclair


What you think? CLever little woof huh? Oh an' pwetty too!! Me say biggest thanking you to best friend Sinclair who woof this!!

Now, me ask you this...WHAT become of Beatrix?!?!?!

Is Beatrix STILL Beatrix? Not know!! Something VAWy upsetting happen at ME house this weekend...not know if me should even say me this to diary...

Okay heya what happen. Octopus sometime go to volunteer thing , me know, me know WHO gonna' need an' Octopus huh? ROFBOL . ..Maybe they not know how say no huh?

Anyways she gonna' be gone couple hours, Sweet Daddy say "Let leave Pwetty Girl (that what he call best friend Beatrix)CAGE FREE wif her little son Baby and Gramma Suzy? She a little angel, she never do wrong thing, maybe it hard on Pwetty Girl be all shove in cage. You a little mean wif her Octopus. And so Octopus just kiss on nose leave Beatrix, Baby and Suzy CAGE FREE in house!!!! Me heya her yap yap something going to happen blah blah!!

Oh me so excited about this huh? Me think WooOoOoHoOoOoO it me big chance now!! Me eat sofa, chew up chairs maybe eat piano and finish it off with organ. Me about to dig in when me little son Baby say me this...NO!!

WHAT!?!?! Me say him WHAT you mean NO?!? He say real quiet..."Mum, you not gonna eat ME house. Me thanking you play wif toys." Then he give me toy.

This just confuse and baffle best friend. In past he like to lie on sofa watch Beatrix tear up house, eat furniture laugh sing, everything...poor koolaid on couch and have blast. Something change heya.

WHAT this mean?!?!? Me ever gonna' do what me do best again? It new day over heya? Oh what become of best woof? Only time tell...

Best part? Me toying wif the Octopus...yep, make her question self. Say to self...you really think Beatrix destroy? You believe all those things? Maybe you wrong about Beatrix!! Oh it fun see her squirm!! Of course Daddy praise Beatrix say Look what good girl her!! Daddy hugging Beatrix and me stick tongue out at the Octopus over Daddy shoulder. He say "See, what me tell you? Pwetty girl a little angel! Why you make up story about her? Poor BB!!"

...stay tune diary...it gonna' be bumpty ride!! ROFBOL

Seven thing about Beatrix!!

Me got new friend, her name Winnie Joy, look like same same wif me little son Baby...she say tag you it!! So me woof SEVEN things about self...

1. Me heart belong to daddy. Yep, it all about Daddy!! Me just putting up wif the Octopus because daddy seem to like her for some reason...ugh go figure.

2. The Octopus is me mum...me nemesis. Whenever Beatrix want have little fun, be creative or just enjoy self theya she pop up ask same question everytime "BEATRIX!! WHAT are you doing?" (she not sharpest crayon in box or she able SEE what me doing okay?)

3. Many woof say me this "Why you call you mum The Octopus?" Why? Ugh!! When me first rescue me real sick, not like human touch. Me sick? HUG Me sad? HUG Me scared? HUG Me cold? HUG!! That her answer for everything HUG, rock, sing!!

4. Me still trying train me humans...they not real quick learner except for DADDY who brightest bulb. BUT...me allow them in house and on furniture anyways.

5. Me not like to stand up eat like animal...NOPE...me like to sit on Octopus lap like little human have her feed Beatrix wif her hand.

6. Me a woof of many talent!! Me name few talent okay? Okay!! Me clever wif relexology (that mean me able push on the Octopus make her holler wif delight!! ROFBOL) me clever to leap into lap, lick eyeballs and stick tongue up nose until human holler and kick, me expert demolition girl, me clever interior designer...me able sniff out rare antique just like THAT!!

7. Me sweet like candy!! Rot you teef right out you head me so sweet!!

Of course me able say all this about self because it just between you an' me, me dear, dear diary!! Nowoof ever able read ME diary!!

XOXOXOX Beatrix

WHAT?!?!

Yesterday have most curious behavior from me human pack over heya!! Disturbing, not well adjusted...Ugh!! That what me say!!

So heya me am, you know? Just minding own business, when all of sudden me IN me own house wearing leash!!! Yep, right theya IN house wif leash. Suddenly Octopus dart outside ring OWN doorbell thingy!!!

WHAT?!?!

We all know Octopus not exactly sharpest crayon in box but this take cake!! Ring own doorbell wif me on leash. (Teenager holding leash thingy...poor teenager gonna' need ALOT of therapy get over this one)

Me can't figure this out. Me sitting right under doorbell ringy dingy tilt head right and left...

THAT when she snap!! Not even lying...because me sitting theya the Octopus outside start bark at me through window!! ROFBOL!!! Me ready see crazy truck pull up haul her away!!

This most puzzling thing ever happen me yet. Finally they take leash off me but still that KWAZY Octopus, hair going everywhich way, standing outside ringing doorbell thingy...me still sit theya under doorbell thingy try to figure this all out!!

BAFFLING, disturbing and WEIRD!! What up wif that?!

Me a helper!!

Me ask you this diary, you ever have dental? Yeah, me too. Me just go over theya to vet say okay, me ready. Me lie on table not need anesthesia nothing, me just lie quiet an' they scratch teefs...me walk out an' that it.

UGH!! Double ugh!! That not human way!! Me tell you before about the Octopus me mum huh? Well, she need what she call BIG dental. Me sure she exaggerate for attention.

She come home from this thing and me not kid you this...whole side of face all hanging down. It scare Beatrix half to death!! Even her eye all hangy too!! Me think this happen because she not good girl at dentist. They probably hafta' chase that Octopus around office wif her jumping around on furniture hollering bloody murder. Me guessing they probably hafta shoot her wif blow dart gun thingy just to calm her down!! That ME guess!!

Me say what happen you?! she say "d;adlkjl djfadlk;faieuoeruoi" that direct quote!! Who know what she say huh? She stagger around here not able shut mouth drool running out side of face, hair every which way!! Me swear it a good thing me so brave or me run away from home see her like this!!

Me finally able get her all calm down, lie down on bed. All of sudden she sleeping, just like that, drool running out onto pillow. Me actually feel sorry for her. Me put self aside decide best thing do is like that up, help her out. When me start licking drool she holler out loud wif delight!! The more she holler the more me lick!! Me really care!!

When she go back sleep me see remote control thingy on bed, decide hey, TV not good for the Octopus in this condition so again, put self aside, eat remote control thingy. Yep, me eat!! That when me notice telephone on bed...now what if someone call up talk to the Octopus think she drunk or stupid? Not want that so to protect Octopus from herself, me eat that too!! Yep, me drag it right out doggy door, rip out the insides. Yep, you have read this before in diary!! Somehow there always new telephone thingy to destroy!! Seem everytime kill one another show up.

Me just digging around in closet destroy ugulee shoes when the Octopus wake up, see remote control, look around for telephone and find me in closet!! Now it hard to understand exact words her holler but me promise she holler her thanks to best friend Beatrix for do such good job taking care of place!!

Daddy come home, so proud hear all things me do help keep it quiet around here for the Octopus! Daddy say me best nurse EVER!!

SHHHHH!!! Not disturb!

Well, me have been one busy little woof diary dear. Me finally back to woof you all about it too!

You ever see a sick Octopus? Ugh!! It NOT a pwetty sight...an' the hollering? She say "BEATRIX!!! BEATRIX!!! Me sick Beatrix!!, lick me eyeballies, hold me paws, lay wif me"...Me try to ignore snotty nose and germ everywheya me try NOT notice an' try to comfort best as can. (Human big babies huh? Make nice pet though)

So the Octopus finally fall asleep an' loosen grip on Beatrix, this when me notice telephone layin' theya on beddy bye. Me think to self, poor ol' Octopus need her rest. What if telephone thingy ring an' wake up the Octopus? So because me have kindest heart vawy quietly me take telephone, slip out doggy door and spend morning work VAWY hard remove guts of telephone an' throw them VAWY far from telephone so they not able ever go back inside!! Then for good measure? Me chew rest of telephone.

Oh what nice nap the Octopus have, an' undisturb all because of one VAWY sweet thoughtful little girl! *Beatrix licks her paw and smooths her whiskers*

Of course she so sick she delirious, decide look for telephone, not know why lookin' out doggy door always first place to look. BOL She holler wif sheer joy when she see me handiwork!! She so proud she even show daddy when he come home. Of course daddy say, Octopus, did put telephone up high where poor BB not find? Good ol' daddy!!

Daddy say me best nurse in town, an' despite self Octopus agree!

Night time adventures!!! WOoOoOohOoOooOo

Dear Diary,

You know sometime me not woof you...why? Because nowoof would believe all stuff me get into and if me woof it all...me have to woof several time a day!!

Should me woof it all? Not know...for now me tell you about me night huh?

Last night it vawy quiet over heya. Many time daddy on call so us go sleep early. This one of those night. Not creature was stirring not even mouse...EXCEPT for BEATRIX!!!

Me say this boring go sleep!! Me in bed wif teenager boy, an' me little son Baby last night. Me leap up dance around, lick teenager say Come on!! Let play. He no fun!! He just grumble me, roll over cover head wif blankie an' go back sleep. PFFFT for that me say!!

Me dart out in hallway wif me little son Baby at me heels...me bang on all bedroom doors holler HEY!! HEY!! What doing in theya?! Me scratch and bang!!

Then me dart in bafroom say HEY, this fun in heya, me pee!! WoooHoooOOooO me in middle of this game when suddenly me hoisted up in air and deposited in middle of backyard. That NOT cool pick up woof who in middle of fun time!!

Me start me zoomies all over backyard!! 2 o' clock in morning perfect time for this!! Me dart zipping around wild eyed!! Me would tell you what the Octopus look like at 2 o' clock in morning but it scare you so bad you never sleep again!! BOL

Me zipping around an' theya hollering BEATRIX!! BEATRIX!! BOL Catch me if you can me say!!

Me catched!! You believe this? Me catched!! Me heart pounding like tom tom.

Then me sweet daddy say "what going on pretty girl? You having hard time sleep? Poor Beatrix looking for her daddy. He take me up in bed, cover me up and wrap arms around me." Me LOVE you dad, nobody know me like you!!

*MWAH* for daddy

Tally for today...

Me back on me game today!! Give that ol' Octopus few days think everything all calm down...but last night she blow it wif me.

She rumage around heya like some beaver bring in some ratty looking fake tree thing set it right up in front of living room window. Then she set little tree all over house. She like beaver cutting down entire forest something like that. THEN to attract attention to her tree gathering mania she attach lights that blinky blinky blinky until me almost lose me mind!! Now all the neighbor KNOW she nuts for sure once she attach blinky light thingys!!

So...this morning me wait until she sit self down, me grab slipper drag it right outside where me rip it up!! (Beatrix waves a ratty slipper triumphantly) By time she discover it missing...well it too late!!

Little while later...she look outside to disvcover me spread her jammies all over yard for everybody have look at!!! (Beatrix now runs around wildly with socks on her ears) Oh you notice me socks huh? Me steal these too...me manage to mangle them too!! See, how clever me do it too?

THEN to round out morning me drag rug right out doggy door and throw IT on lawn and take a good roll in something yummy!!!

Me tell you this!!! The ol' Octopus holler wif delight see me back on me game!!! WooOoOoHOOOOooOooO nothing like see the Octopus down on hands and knees hollering out doggy door wif hair going every which way...holler BEATRIX!!! BEATRIX what ARE you doing?!?

Oh it a great day at the FLF!!!

Okay this third and LAST diary for today...

Me in even worser hot water now...me arrive home WILD...who NOT wild roll in poo play wif best friend...me get in trouble for leap up onto kitchen counter stomp around theya laugh and sing!! Then me leap up onto me Rosey bed over highest part!! ROFBOL Me VAWY agile when me wild!!

Then the Octopus say "that it!! Me have enough!!" What a baby huh? Not even enjoy good times, go off to her room...that when me remember me vomit up poo stuff all over her comforter!! Me remember when me hear her holler wif DELIGHT!! ROFBOL

Oh me on me game today!! This been record breaking day!! WhOoooOoOOHOoOoOoO for today...

Octopus still washing stuff from our good times!! She hardly wait see what tomorrow bring!!

Okay, okay...but me have GOOD reason...

Dear Diary...

Me in trouble AGAIN...second time today....

But me have GOOD reason okay? Okay here ME side of story and it trufs okay...

Me over at best friend OttO house. Me smell horrible too because me have baf this morning after poo roll so me all stinky like flowers!! PFFFT...me wearing ugulee pink hoodie thing because it nippy out. Well, how me posed to get OttO attention when me stink anyways?

So me find nice big ol' German Shepherd poo and give it a good roll!! (Last photos in me photobook show this) Octopus busy trying to snap photo of cute little Lula and Ratty completely ignoring her precious little angel Beatrix so me give it another roll...all of sudden Octopus say..."me smell Poo where BEatrix!" Me come running because ME good girl!!

Oh how she and Aunty Patti squeal an' holler wif delight to see best friend!! They so happy they running away!! Aunty Patti gag little bit she so happy!

Me charge around there an' now me have OttO attention for sure!! He LOVE Beatrix now!! Us run chase and have great time!!

Then the mean ol' Octopus catch best friend throw me in laundry sink in garage...not even use baftub!!! You believe this? Throw in sink!!! She scrub and rub and rub and scrub until me smell horrible like some stinky flower thingy!! PFFFT!!

Then Octopus want to dry wif paper towel!! Paper towel!! Me know this level of abuse shocking even for the Octopus huh? Aunty Patti vawy sweet, allow Beatrix use towel. At least somebody care about poor Beatrix!!

Back in the house Octopus packing up to leave...all upset again, eyes all crazy like she have bad day or something...you know like little wild hippopotomus about to devour someone!! That what she look like! So while she packing up me run in bafroom help self to kitty litter!! MmmMmmmMmmmm that best thing me ever eat in me life!! Taste just like tootsie roll melted in sunshine!!

Me have VAWY fun day for sure!!!

Me add to me Kwissmiss list okay?

Dear Santa,

Me ask you can please add to me list? Me would like year supply of reindeer poo...yep, just ride overhead and sprinkle me yard with the stuff everymonth!! Thank you Santa!!!

what mean why? Oh okay, me say you this...and when me do me beg you please go easy on the Octopus. She not exactly sharpest crayon in the box and have VAWY bad disposition but she still deserve little bag of coal for Kwissmiss!

Well, me just sitting here minding own business, singing Kwissmiss carol when me all of sudden find self rolling around in poo! BOL It FUUUUUUN!!! Me rub it in real good into rhinestone letters on me collar an' all over fur. Me do great job wif this.

So, me wander in woof door wifout be seen, find me way up onto Suzy little pink toile bed thingy and wedge self in theya.

Me right in middle of VAWY pleasant Kwissmiss nap when the Octopus swoop down hollering "BEATRIX!! BEATRIX!!" Me open one eye...just stare her down...ugh...what you want now? Hair going everywhich way, little arms flailing in air she all upset about who know what huh? "What you want?" me say it real nice okay?

She say "Beatrix! You all cover in poo AGAIN!!" Oh like this news flash or something...of course ME know ME cover in poo, me do it meself!! BOL

Me just ignore, try to go back sleep while she hollering something about get Suzy bed all dirty, me collar a mess...like who care right...then she haul me off to bath...saying how Santa watching, this not gonna' get me Santa paws gifts (see, Daddy not care he buy whether me good or bad ROFBOL) All lthis about Santa junk...

Me say "Look, everywoof know Santa up theya right now roll around in reindeer poo. It not big deal wif him." And this when Octopus say me this..."IF there is ever REINDEER poo in our backyard, Beatrix, you are welcome to roll in it all you want, until then I ask you please not to roll in poo!!"

And so this why me ask you please for year supply of reindeer poo...not just for me but for the Octopus too!!

Oh yeah, she force me scrub me collar for hundredth time with toothbrush (me use Octopus toothbrush BTW) and me back wearin' the thing!!

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

It me Beatrix Kwissmiss WOOF...me hoping you not have me mix up wif that other Beatrix dog who do bad things.

Me hoping you come down me chimney on Kwissmiss eve leave me few tasty treats...

Me would like

dozen pair rubber flip flop
leather Ferragamo shoe
antique chair wif tasty legs
a spatula (please not ask okay?)
new cell phone wif tasty little rubbery cover thingy (Beatrix licks her lips)
oh and few dozen crayons too!!!

Me LOVE you Santa
Beatrix KwissMiss WOOF

Saga of the Ugulee bed

Dear Diary,

Me only woof you this because the Octopus STILL complain about me ugulee bed.

This what happen an' it TRUFS too!! Okay, so we going camping...everywoof LOVE camp right!! Me too!! So the Octopus have evil plan abandon best friend Beatrix in CAGE in camper go off laugh sing that thing wifout Beatrix!!

Of course she feel guilty leave innocent little woof in CAGE...so she go out buy uguleeist bed she can find. Me tell you before she not brightest bulb and her taste run from UGULEE to worse than dirt and it only ME tireless effort to rid house of Ugulee that keep this place afloat!!

She tell best friend all this...oh it VAWY expensive bed, us so lucky be able get it, it special for camping, it come in little pouch thingy, able wash it, able keep it in RV all time oh it just wonderful Beatrix!!

PFFFFT me say!! PFFFTT UGULEE!! She put in right IN me cage thingy. Me say Pfft...and that it she lock door abandon best friend and there me sit. Now what a woof gonna' do?

You right diary!! RIP IT!! And me work VAWY hard on this too because that thing made strong enough pack of wild baboon hup up on Starbucks and lawnmower gas not able pull it apart!! Me just getting stuffing out when she back!!

Oh she scream wif delight see Beatrix able pull this Ugulee thing apart. She take it out of cage set it aside...then she leave again!! You believe that?!? Leave!!

So me pull in UGULEE through bars and this not small task me tell you!! Little bars BIG bed thingy...me work VAWY hard!! Me proud tell you this!! Me FINISH job!! No more UGULEE!!!

What difference between bird and chicken?

Dear Diary...
Me just baffle about this...WHAT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIRD AND CHICKEN?

See, nothing right? Well it all start like this. Yesterday me sitting outside in ME nice yard. Me live on hillside so it terrace into three terraces...and me sitting on second terrace just enjoying sunshine think about God love that kind of thing. Daddy see me there say "Oh look me little girl, she so precious enjoy nature." Well, the mean ol Octopus say "Beatrix? Enjoy nature? She is UP to something that dog NEVER sits outside." I know terrible huh?

Me sit enjoy sunshine watching me orange tree. Yep it California me have oranges year round...but me digress here. All of sudden little bird who been up in nest come down learn to fly.

It look just like chicken and me HUNGRY!! Me always hungry!! (It because Beatrix not fed enough...me know it make you cry hear this about best friend. It terrible, ONLY three little meal a day...how me go on so weak like this?) And me just a woof...not able go store get more food so who fault if me am hungry all time? Yep, you got it, it the Octopus!!

So me jump up run around me try to catch birdie...the parents chirp chirping at Beatrix the Octopus hollering bloody murder!!

So now here me sit inside of house, a prisoner. What you mean me rarely go outside? What that have to do with this? So here me sit little prisoner...have half ME yard block and second and third terrace too!! It ME yard!! If ME want go there it ME one!!

BOL me laughing because little son Baby Ben able leap all the barrier run around make the Octopus crazy!!! Oh it a riot all right!!

But me ask you this? There really a BIG difference between bird and chicken or this just more that Octopus vegetablenarium nonsense?

Thank you me best friend diary who ALWAYS listen so nice!!

Octopus tries to rescue a dog

Us driving along in mountains somehwere in Idaho. It bootiful, many wild flower, grass, trees so nice huh? NO house or human for miles...then suddenly Octopus spot dog by side of road. She start hollering "Daddy stop car! Oh poor little white dog he all alone need rescue!! Me not see house, human nothing!" She go on this way. Well, it take minute stop big white charging Rhino (that what me call truck thingy that haul the woof hauler trailer). But daddy VAWY nice pull over. Octopus leap from car looking for poor little white dog.

This when daddy spot it. You all know it Daddy have brain!! Thank you so much!! He say "Octopus stop!! listen, what that you hear?" And there we see sheep!! So many sheeps you not believe and they hollering baa baa at us!! Not friendly me tell you!! And have two dogs watching those sheeps!! No human just dog and sheeps.

Then the Octopus say "You think they okay? Need take them to next town? Us can load up toy hauler thing wif sheeps and dogs." You know she not sharpest crayon in box huh? Well, this take cake for sure!! City Octopus not know about world me say.

Daddy tell her she round up all those sheep she be arrested for sheep stealing. They not need rescue! That kwazy Octopus!! Me would have love to photograph the Octopus trying to round up those sheep too!!

Us VAWY careful wif Baby on this stop because him look ALOT like sheep!! Not want him mixed up wif that for sure!!

Dear diary...it me again...BB

Me whispering in diary because this secret okay? OKAY!! Okay!!

Okay, so little diva doggy LOVE the bling. She got her own little jewelry box where she keep all her necklaces!! Oh they shiney and pwetty and look so nice. Suzy LOVE pick out jewelry wear. The humama spread out many necklace and whatever Suzy touch am the one she pick. Latest thing she get new collar. Now you not get me wrong here last collar the bling but new collar? Oh boy, get you sunglass out!!

Little diva doggy sit in sunshine in morning all around her look like spinning disco doggy wif rainbow everywhere! Me think she like this because maybe little blind diva see little of light? Not know. But she happy sit there like disco ball and me not say ANYTHING let little diva be happy.

Well, she get in her mind that me not what you say? Not in fashion. Okay, but ME collar actually have little thingy put on leash go for walk, something little Diva refer to as "death march".

Well, she go out buy ME Beatrix, just plain Beatrix big ol' hot pink blingee collar!! Oh boy, this thing got little rhinestone buckle and little rhinestone letter spell out word...LOVE. Me vawy thankful Suzy think about me say oh thank you Suzy, me put this away for nice time. NOOOoOooOo Suzy get all in snit stomp around INSIST me WEAR This thing!!

So here me am walking around rhinestone thingy everywhere only song run through me head "Me rhinestone cowgirl..." It just too much!!

So me snap!! Me run outside make nice fresh pile of you know what and roll that rhinestone thing in it!! Let me tell you this, it not sparkle after that!! ROFBOL

Octopus have VAWY bad reaction to this!! She say "BEATRIX!! Bad dog!! You hurt Suzy feelings!! This too expensive throw away!! You scrub wif toothbrush" So she had me icky old toothbrush and FORCE best friend scrub every single rhinestone thingy!!! PFFFFT to the Octopus!!

So here me am...thinking of new way get this thing off me neck!! Make it worse everytime me walk by Suzy say like this "Oh Beatrix how charming you look, pull your tongue in dear." Pffft!! How she know me sticking me tongue out at her!?

Okay me posted you when me figure out how get rid this thing!!

A Letter to DADDY!!!

Dearest Daddy,

It father day so me just woof you little letter, say me LOVE you!!

Daddy, you the one who hold me heart and understand! When me make hole in wall you say "Octopus, Beatrix looking for me! You have to understand Beatrix. She love her daddy."

When me tear up that brand new uglee Berber carpet you say "Poor Beatrix!! Octopus? You clipping Beatrix nail regular? Poor little thing get nail caught here on you ugly carpet. Beatrix, me see you nail, it okay honey?"

When me tear the grate off the shower drain in middle of night you get up wif me say "Octopus, this dangerous!! The grate thingy not even attached to house!! Me little girl could have got foot caught in drain pipe!! Poor Beatrix!!"

When me run wind sprints in the hall at 2 o' clock in morning you say "Octopus, you giving Beatrix enough excersize? Poor Beatrix need more attention!"

When me eat you know what in backyard, you say "Octopus!!! You not cleaning up yard fast enough!!"

When NObody willing babysit Beatrix and me cannot imagine WHY!?! You solve pwoblem!! You buy vawy nice toy hauler to take the woofs wif you!! You even buy special car have bench seat so me can sit in me little seatbelt right by next to me daddy!!

Daddy, you so sweet me happy to allow you up on me bed sleep wif me everynight!!

There nobody like you daddy in whole world!! You the man who have me heart, understand me and love me!!

Happy Father day!! Me luckiest woof in world have nice daddy like you!!

sign
You Little Girl who LOVE you
Beatrix

It fair to make woof pay damages for things eat?

This me question for you...dear diary it am fair to make nice innocent little woof pay for things she may have eat or shred?

See, me not think it right too because as of today me not going to have allowance until sometime in middle of 2018!!! Me not even kid you this!

What me do? Well, it vawy innocent story and when you read this you see how this can happen. Have pool thingy in backyard. It have big blue vawy tasty cover. It laying on patio there in all it tasty goodness like big giant blue fruit roll up. Me cannot help self me shred it...not eat just shred make into tiny little pieces.

You know the rest of story the Octopus come runing out the door (she refuse to use doggy door for some reason not know why...probably too old and fat me say) Anyways come running out hair going every which way looking like fright say "Beatrix what you do?" Beatrix!! How you do this?!?

Now you know, me dear diary the Octopus unadoptable due to bad disposition and not being exactly brightest bulb here but how she NOT able see that me in middle of shred pool cover? She that dim? Ugh!!

Then she get into want to make list of things me kindly out of goodness of heart destroy to cover up her bad taste for UGULEE...and she think she take deductions from ME allowance pay for these things!! Can believe it? So she drag out calculator thingy...she not able add in head...then announce me NOT have allowance until 2018!!! UGH!!

Me have decided keep the Octopus for now because not think it that easy find home for her but really...

Me have been tagged...

Okay, Best friend Lilly tag Beatrix

Things I am thankful for:

1) Me Thankful the Octopus not sharpest crayon in box, it make her easier to manage!

2) Me thankful me daddy come rescue me in shining armor ride white stead...me never forget this EVER

3) Me thankful for forever home

4) Me thankful for flip flop...this VAWY tastee Treat!! MMMMmmMM Me gobble by the dozen

5) Me thankful for tennis shoe...it not as tasty as flip flop but it will do

6) Me thankful for pudding mix!! MMmmMm just rip box open, shake and when mix with dog spit it make pudding!!! WooOoOoOHoOoOoO

7) Me thankful for me fuzzy family...they alot of fun!!

8) Me thankful me have nice pets...me still training me humans but they working out nice here wif me.

9) Me thankful for TV this entertain human for hours give me chance destroy things they bring home that UGULEEE

10) Me thankful for me friends who brighten me days!!

Me LOVE you!!

Big Fun wif the OKOPUss!!! ROFBOL!!!

Tonight me come up wif funnest plan EVER!! So Octopus sitting on sofa look out big picture window to backyard...me make sure she watching huh? Then right in front big window me make a special then before that ol' OKOPuSS able get up run outside in pajama me EAT!!! ROFBOL She leap up yell "Beatrix!! BEATRIX!!!" Oh this so much fun me rocket in doggy door run right to her with special all over me lips!! She scream holler and run around living room in pajama hair stick up everywhichway!! OKopuss not know what do she shove fancy satin pillow in me face so me wipe me special all over pillow and oh how the OKOpuSS holler with delight at that!! ROFBOL

Me recommend this game to EVERYWOOF!! It best fun EVER!!

Destructive? Come ON!! That ridiculous!

Okay here ME side of story! Yesterday the mean ol' Octopus have some terrible human make terrible noise at ME house!! They tear up living room, rip out french doors and make horrible sounds. You think the Octopus get mad about this? NoooOooOOOOOoooo she even pay money have this done.

When ME do nice demolition you think Me get pay? NOoOooooOOOoooO Octopus get mad!! Not make sense to me too!

So yesterday me stay in back bedroom shaking listen to Chipmunk music really loud. Octopus want to rock me sing me! UGH!! This all the while it terrible noises in living room.

This morning 'nother guy come over here...some building inspector. Okay, like Octopus ever call somebody see ME handiwork? NoooOooOOo...so Octopus showing this guy around suddenly they stop...stare out window...inspector GASP like that. He say WHAT happen?!?

Then they see me VAWY clever work!! Have entire big fat roll of most 'xpensive insulation with Pink Kittty Panther on it...me shred entire roll into little hamster pieces!! ROFBOL It take me ALL morning do this too!! Me first have to remove plastic which me just toss into backyard then me carefully shred with paws!!!!

Inspector say he a woof lover have woof of own. He vawy concern me okay...he also say think he got VAWY nice woof at home after see this. What that posed to mean huh?

So daddy home say "Poor Beatrix!! That noise too much for her!! Beatrix you okay honey?" This why me LOVE me dad!! So take look at photos!! You ever need help destroy you just yelp for help and me there!!

PFFFFT to the Octopus and loud noise!!

Beatrix and best friend OttOgo hiking

Okay okay!! me tell me side of story too!!! Yesterday Me and best friend OttO go hike together. First me tell you this...it not Otto...that how human pronounce. Woof pronouce "uh-TOE" with big emphasis on last part!

Best friend OttO vawy good hiker!! Me and me sweet Daddy up in front with Aarin and me little son Baby. OttO keep an eye on that slow poke Octopus and sweet Aunty Patti & Rosey who all rather have chat chat than hike! BOL...Otto run there say "come on! Hurry it up...you lagging...wolf gonna' eat you!!" Then he run up front say "Hey Bea! HOw it going? You so cute!" and run back check on that Octopus again. She terrible! She keep catch him and kiss right on head and infront of people too! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!! Finally it get so bad OttO forced to jump in water try to wash off stinky Octopus kisses!

OttO like stick huh? So poor Aunty Patti find stick big enough for teeny little woof...she hold this up "Otto Fetch!!" He roll over laughing!! He say "You want me dive in cold, cold water for teeny little what that? twig?!" He VAWY sweet dive in anyway and swim way out...me amaze! Me stop swimming around and just stand there staring at best friend! Baby stop playing and stand amaze! Here come best friend OUT from WATERFALL with LOG!! Not even lie!! LOG!! Daddy pick this thing up throw it...say "this thing is at least ten pounds maybe more" it about four feet long! So daddy hurl this thing and OttO swim out there open mouth VAWY wide catch it and bring back!! It AMAZING see this!

OttO a riot!! He VAWY smart he know when wet run to Octopus and Aunty Patti shake off! Make those girls squeal with DE-Light!! They LOVE this!!

Me swim around little big dive in have fun but me a LADY!! Me not haul lumber! BOL Me little son Baby been getting better since me take him home see his daddy. He vawy much watch best friend OttO. Want to play with him and copy what OttO doing! He learn VAWY much from best friend! So what with Poodle who act like German Shepherd!? BOL

Honey Beya see BIG dogs swimming...you know he think he bigger than Baby right? BOL he dive right in swim around too! Cinnamon & Johnny stay up on bank huddle together try stay dry!

Everywoof need best friend like OttO! He VAWY good with little woof, baby woof, sad woof, he just know how to work with woof! He a party on four legs!!

Me choose to end this story on upbeat. Me will NOT tell about how Octopus give bath and that...me will NOT say about it!!

One last roll in the fun stuff!!

It six o' clock in morning...FLF house all abuzz...everybody showered ready to go on big trip...carry last minute item to trailer! Oh boy!! Me LOVE you camping time!!

It be two weeks of good times...but hey, what about me special roll in fun stuff...me going to miss that ALOT!

Everybody VAWY busy, me have little chance...so me sneak out doggy door and run outside. Ugh! Why these people have to clean up after woof make it little tricky roll in the fun stuff. Not to worry me able create me own fun!! What good times me have rolling around there really grind it into collar and fur!!! WooooOoooOohHhooOooOOOOO!! Me rocket through doggy door like a bullet!! "Look at me!! LookEeeeeeEEEEe!!!" Me shout!!

The Octopus so excited she shriek with DElight! Then she say same same...you know..."Beatrix WHAT are you doing?" (The Octopus not brightest bulb in the box...she never know what she looking at)

Before me even able rub this fun stuff around and share the joy she throw me in bathtub! Ugh! Who wanna' start trip smellin' like some flower something? Ugh! Double ugh!! She even scrub collar mutter something about make us late blah, blah...what the deal with this? Us driving...how you be late for that?

Well, me friends me ready now and off me go to woods! How you think bear react to woof that smelly like crush up flowers? ROFBOL

XOXOXOX BB

How Woof Proof is you fence?

What make a fence "woof proof" This a good question. You get some human out here he put up fence say "Oh it woof proof" HOW he knowing this? Human now a woof? Did human bring woof here have him look fence over make sure it woof proof? NOoooOOOoOOOooo and yet Octopus pay small fortune for this "woof proof" thing.

So me thinking about this, think Hmmmmm us never have fence woof proof check and so being sweet woof me am decide ME take it upon self make sure it woof proof.

Now first me tell you this, me like on hill it quite steep so backyard go uphill...it all terrace you know that thing? Well they dig ditch put in these brick planter thingy build 4 foot retain wall then put 8 foot high fence on top that...Oh yeah you got picture now, it just like prison! Me not even kid you this.

So last night helping out me climb to highest level of backyard have look around then discover me can climb four foot retain wall thingy!!! Me vawy athletic and able climb...why, the view amazing can look right into house from up there...so me walking all around make me inspection look for any little gap, hole whatever huh? when all of sudden me hear shriek!! You got it...OCTOPUS!! Same same "Beatrix!! what are you doing?" Me assure you it not take rocket scientist see me inspecting fence...DUH! Then she all excited yelling me come in blah, blah about break neck...UGH! That woman gonna drive me nuts someday!

Well, me assure you after close inspection, that fence woof proof. Now me have little experience, me VAWY agile able climb anything...you need inspection just give me call 1 800 Bea-Trix !!

Valnetine Tag!!

Me have five wishes for Valentine Day okay? Okay! OKAY!!

1. Me wish whatever me chew up, destroy or otherwise anihalate fix itself before Octopus find it!!

2. Me wish for flip flop tree in backyard so me always have fresh supply of this tasty treat on paw *Beatrix kisses her paws* Me sorry salivate when talk about flip flop like this...hang on *Beatrix wipes her mouth on the clean tablecloth*

3. Me wish everywoof have hugs & kisses and nice forever home!! Me LOVE you!!! *Beatrix blowing kisses*

4. Me wish ALL best friends on Dogster able show up at ME house all on same day for HUGE pawty!!! WOOOOOOOOoooOooHoooooooOo Hang on Octopus look a little pale...she VAWY dramatic...

5. Me wish EVERYWOOF of you have as nice a friend as me have in you!

Okay, okay many of you surprise me not say something like wish Suzy could see huh? Well, me confess sometimes it little more convenient have little blind diva doggy! Me swear me not always able get blingee princess dress out of dryer onto diva when she want it and time or two me have put on other dress and swear up and down it one she want...couple times when she wake up Beatrix two o' clock in morning want special color pawnail pawlish me have just use color me have and NOT run all over town to 24 hour pharmacy hunting special color she want. Okay, okay me VAWY VAWY bad seeing eye woof! But me LOVE Suzy and want make her happy just little Diva have ALOT of needs! Trust me, easier this way...

Sorry gotta run little Diva need glitter in fur, bubble bath run, dress ironed and new pawnail pawlish on her toesies!!

Angels watching over me...

This happen two weeks ago...

It sunshiney day about 80 degrees something like that. Octopus need to going out for about 3 hours. Me know shocking huh? Octopus go out!

Me getting new crate but it not arrive so Octopus make arrangement me stay in doggy run at Gramma house. It vawy nice, sunny have big shadey tree, water whole bit...think me safe here not kill self and off Octopous go with no more thought of Beatrix.

Beatrix and Baby play a little bit, make chase laugh have fun. Soon me little son Baby get tired, he lay down in comfy spot go to sleep. But Beatrix NOT want lay down, NOT want sleep...want something tear up! Teach Octopus LEAVE woof alone!

That when me spot it...basement window. Me go over there, it covered with plastic sheeting...well how you 'posed to look into basement with that stuff on there. Me quickly tear it off! AHA! Basement!! Lot of interesting stuff in there so me squeeze in basement window...only place to go me must step down about 3 feet onto the end of trunk. So me do it...it about 2 1/2 feet x 2 1/2 feet square. This not comfortable me say so me think me go back to me little son Baby...but it UP three feet...there no way me can get up there...it about 8 feet to floor of basement! Me TRAPPED!!!

Me looking around in darkness...me see mouse poison tacked up all around me on little nails. Papa think this safe because it up and away from Poodle...guess he not expecting somewoof come in basement window. Me not like it here...it scary! Baby outside pacing and crying he know me in trouble...oh what me do! What if Octopus come and never finding me...me start to cry...then me remember Octopus tell Beatrix if me ever in trouble better pray. Me pray so hard!

Finally after couple hours teenager come. He call "Beatrix!! BEATRIX!!" Oh me pray that he come looking...me wait. He saying "Beatrix, where are you?" Me to afriad make woof in case me fall...finally teenager spot plastic sheeting me tear off...he bend down on knees and reach in...Oh me LOVE you Teenager!! He scramble lift Beatrix up out of out scary place!

Octopus say over the years have many dogs who play in the run and NEVER have one clever as me able break into basement. Gramma say for me LIFE me better stay in crate when me alone. Me say NOT go anywhere! Me VAWY quiet for two whole days before me up to old antics again!

Me so glad me still here!

Humpty Beatrix slept on a nightstand Humpty Beatrix had a- great fall...

Okay, okay you asking WHY am best friend limping huh? What happen to white paw? There few rumors and me take moment to lay them to rest...Me have not been attack by crocodile, me not injure paw jumping from airplane...nope me have bad fall.

Here how it all happen. Octopus (yep, how you know ALL bad Beatrix story end and begin with me mum the Octopus? But they do!) Once upon time the Ocotpus rush out buy little bitty doggy bed. She think it "cute" nice for Suzy and Johnny. Me thinking "What about BEATRIX?" This bed size of postage stamp. It vawy soft and cushy looking.

Octopus set bed on nightstand in bedroom. Me see this and climb up onto nightstand and "try" to settle self in postage stamp bed. Front half comfy but of course me poor back end, tail and all hanging off into the bitter cold! Octopus say "Beatrix, get up here in the bed like normal person." Me take offense to this...it kinda' feel like she insinuate best friend not "normal" (who want be that anyways? Normal =boring) But Me digress...She say "come here Beatrix, get in bed!" Me say "NO!" She say "Beatrix (you already guess it right?) What's wrong with you?" Ummm let's see, you buy tiny doggy bed, me on nightstand AND backend hanging off and you ask "what wrong?" See, what me deal with here?

So she give up and go sleep...me struggle on through night. Me not care about it hard, me still keep struggle until about 2 am when me have good dream about run along chasing giant hot dog...me about to eat hot dog thingy when suddenly BAM!! Me on floor!

Of course Octopus pretend to be upset but it really DADDY who care! He pick up so tenderly take into bed, put under covers, stroke face until me fall asleep again.

So now me limping...vet say "Poor Beatrix! You so cute how this happen you? Me would love to take you home!" Ha! to Octopus! Vet say "keep Beatrix quiet!" ROFBOL!!!! What riot! She sure not know Beatrix huh? Nothing broken but vet say give it two more weeks. So that me story of me pretty white paw!

Me LOVE you! XOXOXO BB

Me ALMOST famous...

Yep, you read that right, me almost become famous! Me say almost because once again the Octopus ruin it for me!

Octopus have been VAWY, VAWY sick...she catch something she yelling "My head is going to explode! Please be quiet!" Well, this catch ME attention! Me thinking me can catch this on video...HEAD Explode...load up on U Tube and me famous!!

So me set up video camera, train it there on the Octopus...and wait...and wait...and wait.

Now, just looking at the Octopus it look for sure like head already did explode! Me swear you this. So me check tape...ugh! Me got hours and hours of the Octopus thrashing around hair going everywhichway, eyes all bleary and googly say "Beatrix! Turn that thing off! What's wrong with you? Turn it off!!"

So you see Octopus not really supportive of me film making. Terrible huh? And the part where she say "what wrong with you?" This most shocking part...NOTHING wrong with ME! Me the sane one, every fur in place me not one claiming me head explode.

So once again, famous escape me. Sadly Octopus getting better blowing me chances of catching her with head explode on tape!

Make you OWN Snow by Beatrix!!

Who like make snow? Snow cold so Beatrix have warm, toasty and FUN way to have snowball pawty right in own house!!!

Okay, when do this first gotta make sure NO human around...human NOT into make warm snow...they a little stuffy about this.

First you need find youself nice stuffy toy or pillow...NOT use OWN toys! Find human toy for this project.

Carefully RIP toy or pillow open with teeth...satin pillow tear VAWY easy! See pretty warm white snow in there? Pull this out with paws!

Carefully distribute snow all over house!! It big time fun!!! WoooOoooOOhOoooOoo!!

*Helpful tips...
If you NOT want get in trouble for this VAWY helpful have another pet in house. You blame other pet for damage. Be sure shake and look VAWY innocent.

Down comforter, feather pillow or down jacket work REALLY well for make snow!! Jacket rip open VAWY easily!!

WoooOoooOooHooOooooO Happy Snow!!

Dear Santa...Define "Good"

Dear Santa...

Me ask you this...Define "Good"...

All this talk about "be good" have me little nervous...

If good mean me LOVE everybody me IN...BUT...if "good" mean not make holes in walls that type of thing me in HOT water...

Can me explain few things please?

Okay, here the deal...telephone ringing, ringing, ringing...it jingle jangle Beatrix nerves to point me take it out back door, remove it guts and voila' it not make anymore noise.

Remote control? Well, me watching ME show when Octopus change channel! UGH me say! ME watching show! So me grab remote control and take it out back door...it only have few teeth marks and still work...Octopus get the point and NOT rude when me watch TV now...

What you mean about flip flops? They come by dozen to this house...it good chew toy for woof. You not want me teeth go bad from not have something chew right?

The carpet? Berber UGLY! Me hate that ugly stuff not matter if it new it UGLY! Me do favor tear that thing up! It WANT to come out too because it run when me tear it! Oh? Little area carpet huh? Well, in ME defense it UGLY too! Not matter what cost! Me spend alot of time chew it up!

Antique chairs? This whole Antique thing! Who think that up anyways? Must be human thing. Antique mean OLD and that mean...UGLY! They just old, ugly chairs! Besides hot sauce on chair VAWY tasty thank you!

You see me have reason for all this stuff and it mostly to help the poor deranged Octopus who have absolutely NO sense of style who LOVE buy UGLY stuff! Me help her out of goodness of heart. So Please Santa, please me ask you please be kind to Beatrix this year!

XOXOXXO Beatrix

My Thankful list

Thank you God for:

Me Family But mostly for DADDY
For people who willing take a chance on adopt sick woof
Friends! Me LOVE you guys!
Me babies: Even though me spay...me a mama
Sisco's Cinnamon Bear
Sisco's Honey Bear
Sisco's Johnny Thunder
Sisco's Charles Benjamin

oh and me not forget me SUZY!! Me LOVE you Suzy!
Food
Toys!! Me LOVE you toys
Cookie! Oh me tummy love you!!
Back yard with grass!!
walkies

forgiveness when me eat wrong thing or make hole in wall...sorry Octopus but it was UGLY okay?

camping!
camp fire
hiking
story time
rocking chair
silly made up song about Beatrix
letters from friends
tickle monster
kiss monster

WOOoooOOOooHOooooOOOOOooo It DADDY birthday!!

Daddy birthday should be national howliday! WHo NOT love ME daddy? See, that what me say. He the best!!

Me wake up before dawn...lay there minute think about how me make day special for DADDY! Me start leaping around tearing up room!! This ME way say...Happy Birthday dad!!! Daddy take me outside, it still dark...he LOVE stand there in cold watch me run around in yard play with toys! This BIG fun for him!

He climb in shower...me decide this good time sing Yappy Birthday to Daddy! Me get me little son, Baby Charlie say "Come outside, let dance and sing for DADDY!!!" So daddy in shower and me and Baby Charlie dancing and sing at 4 o' clock in morning...WOOF WOOF WOOF in yard!

The mean ol' Octopus actually STOP our song!! You believe this!?!? She "afraid what neighbors think...think they might be sleeping" Well, who care about that anyway? Baby Charlie have nice BIG deep bass voice! They LOVE to wake up hear us sing!

Poor daddy on call, work all night...me think to self..."Poor daddy what me can do for him?" Me GOT it!! Me jump up and throw mouse to floor...it still alive me leap on it, chew it up, tear guts out until it die! Then me see daddy work glasses!! Me just starting to EAT them when teenager stop me! What a fun killer. Apparently he NOT love daddy like ME do!

Then me see daddy coming again so me run outside..."DADDEEEEE, DADEEEEE Look me!" Me sing ...Now me scratch paws on window screen...me want to tear the word Me LOVE you into screen so everytime he see it he know Me LOVE daddy! Me bang bang on window, me stomp flowers!! DADEEEE Me LOVE you!!! BAng, bang, stomp, stomp...now me pause, just look in house shivering...it cold out here.

Here come mean ol' Octopus! "Get in this house, Beatrix!" She laughing at me! Now me precious daddy come! Oh me LOVE daddy!!! He say Bea, you stuck outside honey? Oh you cold!! Poor Bea, Bea come on in, me put pretty dress on!

All this before 5 o' clock in morning! ROFBOL

Me say big Yappy Birthday to ME DADDY!!! Me LOVE you DADDY!!!

Beatrix back from woods...

Beatrix go on little trip to woods with DADDY and some other people. Oh maybe the Octopus huh? BOL Us drive and drive and drive...me thinking "Oh boy, me gonna' live in SUV (stupid ucky vehicle) for rest of life" when finally stop. Me dizzy, head spinning...me stagger out of SUV...that Octopus give me so much calm down drops me not sure where me am...

After good long sleep and now me knowing why bears hibernationing! When cold it all you got left! In morning it so cold me can see own breath like little cloud around me head.

Octopus say us go hiking. Me say "You CWAZY! Me NOT hike me hibernationing!" Well, you know the mean ol' Octopus by now huh? She bundle up best friend like little fat walrus in parka and off us go. Ugh!

Baby Charlie am squeezed into ME jacket and he not complain it so cold! Baby Johnny little ears flying in wind...me think me ears blow right off me head because can't even feeling them. Me not used to cold me tell you!

We hike and sniff and hike and sniff...then daddy make fire. Baby Charlie say NO way, no how they cooking him! He stay IN trailer say him NOT coming out! Me? Oh me love sit by fire on me daddy lap. Us have nice snuggle, nice talk...some other people by fire...not know who, not even care it all about Beatrix and DADDY!! Just us~!

17 degrees!!! You kidding? Me scream getting me outta here! Me now wearing sweatshirt AND parka! Not let anybody take it off! Say me dying! Finally daddy able talk that crazy Octopus into moving campground!

Me not wanna get into particulars other than say me learning this...Woof not able climb trees! Just trust best friend on this. Squirrel? Oh he able run right up there! No pwoblem...chipmunk? Not a pwoblem run right up there lickey split! See this make mouth water of course...woof who try to follow? Oh dear...lot of pwoblem, if you run straight into tree you hit head and that hurt...also make you hear little birdie sing!

Finally me make it back home...safe and sound. Me forget how nice warm sun feel on fur and how much fun to run in backyard! Me say woof! Thank you God for sun and yard! He so good to Beatrix!

What doing?

Some of me friends say "Beatrix you not writing in diary what happen?" Well this not short story me assure you! So me will start at beginning...

It all start last May...me go on trip with family. Us going camping! YEAH!!! Just me and daddy (well and some other people in trailer...probably Octopus but me not care about them) just me and daddy to have good time, big time fun time!

Man at campground say "Oh yes, we have nice walk for woof." Me think this guy got ping pong ball for brain! Anyways us take woof walk alright...us go tramping deep into WEED patch! Me say "Excuse me, Octopus, not mean to be rude but me getting itchy!" Well, those who read diary regularly knowing that Octopus not sharpest crayon in box...she not understand and keep hiking! Of course daddy NOT to blame! Finally me just stop say Me am not hike when me itch! Dear daddy look at Beatrix and see tick! Ticks all over Beatrix! In me ears, me tummy, me paw, me stinger (that me tail). He take me back to trailer, pick ticks, pick ticks and pick ticks.

Johnny have ticks, Suzy have ticks and oh boy you not hear anything until you hearing little diva doggy with ticks! Oh they sucking royal blood, she getting anemic must have cookie to maintian life on and on she go! ROFBOL...that only part cracking Beatrix up.

Get ready for bed...guess what!? Ticks in bed, ticks on floor, ticks on sofa!! Ticks on humans!! Octopus get out tick spray...send woof & humans out to picnic table spray whole entire camper...

In morning pick ticks again! Me swear never see so many in me life! Even have ticks on human suck blood!

(to be continued)

Me Upset day!

Me so sad today...daddy been home sick all week. He right here with Beatrix able make snuggle have nice day. This morning no reason at all he up and LEAVE Beatrix! *sniff sniff*

Me so upset me decide me climb to top of piano eat stupid little stuffed turkey decoration! Me scrambling up there try to climb to teenager head who playing piano to reach bird. He hug! Oh great huh? He not helping! So me try again...stomp on keys...he say oh look Beatrix like to make music too! UGH!! Me use paws try to climb up teenager face...he say NO! That not yours! Me asking this...why Octopus have such ugly thing up there in first place!?

So me back on floor...what me do show how upset me am? Oh good idea! Me eat piano bench. Sadly before me able eat entire thing the mean ol Octopus come catch me say NO!

So here me am...scratch head...how me let daddy knowing me NOT like him go work?

How me found way to me forever home...by Beatrix...YES! - This true story!

Once upon time there live poor little sad woof. She lock in dungeon. (Pet shop) Vawy sad in heart nobody want her, nobody love her...think maybe she die. Poor little woof girl vawy sick.

Then one day...knight in shining armor (that would be ME daddy) ride up on white horse. Take sword out (that would be credit card BOL) and fight way into dungeon. Say "Give me that puppy! Me LOVE her best!" He tenderly hold little woof girl as he climb onto white horse and ride away...

Knight in shining armor say "Please little woof girl call me Daddy...this mean me LOVE you." He kiss Beatrix on nose, this make all scaley, oozey sore disappear just like that! And us live happily ever after!

That story of how me daddy get me from pet shop. What mean he never see me there? BOL What mean it Octopus get me? ROFBOL...come on...let not let few details ruin really great story huh? Octopus shmocktopus! it Me and DAddy now!

Yappy Father's Day!
XOXOXO Beatrix

Help! Me trap in me own backyard!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Me pound on big picture window with me muddy paws. Me can see the Octopus walking around in house. Why she not come help Beatrix? Me trapped in backyard! Bang! Bang! Bang! Now me getting desperate! Lick big picture window...maybe this the key?

"Beatrix! Beatrix! What are you doing?" Oh there she go again poor Ol' Octopus dimmest bulb in the box. What LOOK like me doing? Trying get in me own house!

So she come stomping out of house around corner and carry me into house. "Beatrix you have lived here for almost 3 years! Did you forget where the doggy door is located?"

Of course not! Me never forget but when keep moving that doggy door! Well, now that me find doggy door of course me want outside where good times are!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Lick, lick, lick! Octopus look surprised to see me trap outside again. She looking at me through glass of big picture window. Oh she a lazy one all right she not even come help me just holler through glass. "Beatrix! Beatrix! Get in here! What are you doing?" Well what it look like me doing? Trying to get back into house again!

Off me go searching for doggy door...all me can find is big french doors. Me decide sit here wait for help. FINALLY the Octopus come outside drag me into house again. She NOT happy. "Beatrix! You are stomping on my flowers in the flowerbed to bang on the windows with your muddy paws! And just look at those nose prints and lick marks!" Now me sad to report that this not sound like concern and loving mum to me!

That of course make Beatrix go right back out doggy door. Hmmmm what to do? Big time fun time bang on that window...

Beatrix Tasty Pudding Recipe

Okay, me give out secret pudding recipe...first of all this most important part...must not let human see this...they vawy bad about spoiling big time fun time or at least the Octopus is.

1. Sneak into pantry...you find little cardboard box there. When you sure no one looking run like wind to private place. Me prefer living room...of course the good one!

2. You may need little help from siblings but you tear open box with teeth and paws...

3. This make shower of tasty goodness EVERYWHERE!!! WOOOHoooOOooOOo (Beatrix licks her lips at the memory)

4. Lick up this tasty powder...as it touch tongue it make pudding! Me not kid you this!

5. ENJOY!!! Nothing better than tasty puppy pudding!!!

MMmmmMMMmmmMMMmm!!!

Nurse Beatrix

Me have been very busy taking care of me mum, The Octopus, who recently have surgery on paw. This lead me to make a little list of very helpful tips in taking care of sick humans.

1. If your human have any cast very important to remove it immediately. Will try to guard cast but it your job to chew it off with teeth. Me recommend waiting until human asleep, leaping atop human chewing for all you're worth! Not be put off by human flailing around or screaming is how they show appreciation.

2. If human bedbound they become very bored. It your job to spice things up a bit. Make certain human can see you through window; then dance around in front of window doing all the things you not allowed to do! This make human go crazy with delight. Your Humana will scream and holler from sheer joy to see you outside window entertaining them!

3. Sick human need little present to cheer it up. This your job to provide present that make human shriek with delight. Me will leave to your imagination what you might be able to bring in doggy door.

4. Sick human still need exercise. Me not kid you on this one. They going to lie, say please me just want to lie quietly... this not what human need. They need to get up chase woof around room. You may need to grab leather bound book, heirloom knickknack or even telephone to get human up. Sick human can be very lazy. You must be strong do what ever can to get human up. Just when human about to get to you, dart through legs! BOL very funny to see human staggering around calling woof name! Human will enjoy this very much!

5. Most of all, human need warm woof to lie close too, share breath with and make snuggle. Without woof human not got any shot at get well.

How many times can you bathe a dog before lunch?

Me ask you this question... how many times can bathe a dog before lunch? Now me know you asking why me need to knowing this... so me will tell little story... you decide.

Beatrix wake up with the sunshine, me look little birdie twirping in tree, see pretty sunshine and smell flowers. Heart so happy me like to roll in doggy stuff. Now this normal right? So me having happy roll time when the Octopus spot me say "Beatrix! What are you doing?"

(Those of you who read the diary knowing me mum, The Octopus, not exactly sharpest crayon in the box. Never able to understand what Beatrix do even when she looking right at Beatrix.)

Me like, what look like me doing having big-time fun time! She drag me into bathtub spread goofy stinky flower smelly stuff in Beatrix fur that make bubbles. Now me stuck smelling like a flower, this not good right? Me going to get stung by a bee. So me have no choice... back outside me go. Me find stinky spot roll around makes else smell good now!

You got it! Out come the Octopus drag into bathtub and make me Stink again!! After third bath; she say "Beatrix, me putting pretty bandanna on you for party me have bathe you many times today. Me not able bathe anymore." Naturally me take this as good news roll around get bandanna all dirty and smell stinky good knowing me not having another bath.

You not believe it... The Octopus is a liar! That right she tell Beatrix big fat lie. May get another bath!! Me know in reading this you probably tempted to call Animal Cops get help for Beatrix.

Some of you wondering how got so much stinky stuff out there when constant Scooping going on... me very clever woof... not find anything stinky able to make my own! Now that the kind of woof you've gotta admire huh!?

Rain Monster

Last night humans all sitting in row like birds on wire...staring at little blinky box in corner...something 'bout discovery channel...boring! Me decide venture outside on me own have little "discovery" of me own. Since daddy forgot to shut doggy door and everything...

Me sniff sky...not kid you smell rain coming! So exciting! Heart beat like tom tom. About this time me think me see monster around corner of house. Run like the wind, shoot through doggy door like a bullet...dive into toy box. What me have in here that save life? Not know! Just start digging wildly...toys flying out behind me.

Now me dash over to couch leap atop couch throwing cushions all over floor digging wildly...scratch, scratch, scratch! Wild eyes...looking around for monster, me must dig me way to safety.

This get Octopus attention, same ol' question! "BEATRIX! Beatrix! What you doing?" Well, what look like doing? Digging for me life!

Octopus try to catch me, stumbling around over toys, dancing over couch cushions..."Beatrix!" she call! Me laugh and dart through her legs eyes wild, pointing in cwazy directions!

Now, she catch me want me go to bed. BED?! You cwazy! Not where there monster about! Me dash into shower, yank and pull until me get grate yanked up off the drain pipe...me look waaaaaaay down there...not see monster but know he watching.

More wild chase throw doggy water dish around...finally exhausted but happy me lie down like little angel that me am go right to sleep!

Nighty-night!

Doggy Dooley Tank...

Me have little doggy dooley tank in me yard. Like a septic tank but for woofs. Vawy handy, just scoop up all doggy stuff in yard and throw into convenient little tank. This keep humans busy waiting on the woofs and keeping stuff cleaned up. Have nice little foot lever for human to use to open tank and dump stuff in.

Well, this dooley tank vawy curious thing to Beatrix. Me always watching when the Octopus flip it up and dump. Me like to see what inside but mean ol' Octopus push away say "No, Beatrix!" Pwetty rude if ask me!

Me wait, Octopus busy in house, now me chance. Me run out in yard put paw on lever thingy...push down...BANG! Lid flip right up and smack Beatrix right in me eye! OUCH!! That smart little bit! Me shake head, shake it off...now for me big moment, to see just what in this septic tank! Me stick me head in, waggle it around in aromatic water! Oh boy big time fun for sure!!

Just when having height of good times you guess it! Out come the Octopus. Poor ol' Octopus with THAT question. "BEATRIX! What are you doing?" Like she not see me having big time fun? Like she not smell beautiful aromatic water and floatie stuff?

She say not know HOW going to get me into house! BOL By now me eye swollen, not know if from hitting eye on dooley lid or from waggling in aromatic water. Not matter...another bath! Now smell like some stinky flower...me have two baths this time!

Sad to say have big ol' brick on dooley tank now. BUT...if your human ever talk about getting dooley tank, this best fun ever have!!!

Catch me if you can!!!

Thump, bump...thump thud...The humans wonder...is there someone on the roof? Where is that banging coming from?

Then like a rocket me race in back door!!!! They notice beautiful aroma...sniff again! Yep! Beatrix roll in poo poo! This make humans cwazy!

The ol' Octopus say "Beatrix! Beatrix! Come here!" Well, me not stupid know she want to wash off beautiful aroma! And me have taken care to carefully cover meself completely in the stuff! BOL It good for fur, make look young and bootiful!

Now Octopus darting here and there try to catch me! Me have wild eyes when she dart left, me dart right then shoot right between her legs! ROFBOL!!! You never see such big time fun in life!

Now that same dumb question..."Beatrix! What you doing out there?" Poor Octopus if she need ask this she really in trouble! BOL

Yes, in the end she haul limp spaghetti woof into tub and bathe like swedish bath! Now me stinky smell like some kind strawberry something! YUCK!

Best Friend Gracie Compose this poem...dedicate to Beatrix

Me have VAWY, VAWY talented and clever friend... Gracie she pen following Poem for best friend, BEATRIX!!! Me LOVE you Gracie!

My Love for a Big Ball

By Gracie, ball connoisseur

A Ball, a Ball, a Big ol' Ball!
Bouncing and flouncing and rolling around,
It's up in the air and then on the ground!

A Ball, a Ball, a Big ol' Ball!
I chase it, and bite it, and nose it, and lick it!
I'll push it towards Mommy and then she will kick it!

A Ball, a Ball, a Big ol' Ball!
All covered with slobber and a bit of dirt too,
From the bottom of my heart I really love you!

A Ball, a Ball, a Big ol' Ball!
It doesn't matter if its red, green, or white
I try to chase and catch it with all my might!

A Ball, a Ball, a Big ol' Ball!
I so love to play with you and never stop!
I'd go at it forever or until I drop!

A Ball, a Ball, a Big ol' Ball!
If I can't bite it, it's definately best,
cause then Mommy won't lay it in the trash to rest.


Happy Valentines Day!
Gracie

Oh Santa...what me can do?

Dear Santa,

Best friend Toby, actually work for Santa! He vawy good doggy...he try to help Beatrix out this year...me say thank you Toby! Toby

Dear Santa Paws,

At Christmas time me think of all little doggies alone, cold and scared...me first Christmas spent away from me mum just 6 weeks old...alone in pet shop.

Santa, please, please can stop puppymill thing? Can find all doggies nice warm home with lots of love? That all me ask...forever home with lots of love for everywoof everywhere!

Me LOVE you, Santa
Beatrix

Dear Beatrix,

It's Rudolph here, writing to let you know that Santa Paws and his reindeer are really excited about visiting you this year.

You are a wonderful girl to think about the pups that don't have homes. I will try my best to help the homeless but you deserve something special from Santa Paws. The elves and all of us reindeer have been really busy making some new treats and toys just for you. Your mommy told Santa Paws that you really want a new toy. As long as you are a good girl, Santa Paws will bring you lots of new toys and treats.

Your mommy told Santa Paws that you have been on your best behaviour. We reindeer know how hard it is to be good. Sometimes we can't help ourselves. Take it from me Santa Paws will forgive you!

I must go now and get ready for our big trip. See you soon Beatrix.

Love, Santa Paws, Rudolph and the gang

A special song composed for me...BX.... by Boudreaux

Okay, here a song compsed by best friend, BX...to BX!! How Cute that? Both our names start with the letter B and end with the letter X...we could be twins!
Boudreaux write this all by self..

A song for you...

to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"

ahem...

BX, BX you're my pal!
You are such a clever gal!
You are pretty and you are sweet,
Being your friend is such a treat!
BX, BX you're my pal!
You are such a clever gal!

I love you!!!

Love,
Bou