June 28th 2008 4:41 pm
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Furminator=Furminhater. Furminhater=me.
For months, the bosses have been hearing about how great the Furminator is. Luckily the HeckComb is expensive so they have not purchased one. Until now. Why they couldn't spend the 40 clams on liver treats is beyond me. But no. They come home with a Furminator.
I like the windblown, carefree, ungroomed look. But the boss ma'am is worried that I will get too hot here in the desert. She said if I got rid of my undercoat it would make me cooler. As if anything could make me cooler! Ha!
AnyLoo, I am now a member of the Furmination. It wasn't really all that bad. And it actually did remove a lot of undercoat without as much screaming as you might expect. Now there are tumbleWhigles all over the yard. Maybe they will get together and make little wild Lyles. That would be nifty.
June 15th 2008 10:40 am
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Life here is almost too good to be true. Pinch me! Wait, no, don't pinch. You can scratch my knees, though. That's good stuff.
What I love about Washington:
1. Trails! Paths! We can go anywhere.
2. Super Saturdays.
Last weekend (it was Sunday, but who cares about those details) we went to Badger Mountain. I met my Sherpas at base camp at dawn. We bundled our supplies and began the trek to the summit.
I wasn't sure we would make it. My Sherpas forgot to pack snacks.
Luckily we survived to the summit.
Lyle went over the mountain
Lyle went over the mountain
Lyle went over the mountain
To see what he could see.
Guess what I saw??
The other side of the mountain
The other side of the mountain
The other side of the mountain
Was all that I could see.
Yesterday we explored the Columbia River. Seagulls! Squirrels! Jetskis! WhooLoo!
And as if that wasn't good enough, we finally got to stop at our local DQ.
Today is another Super Saturday. (Sunday, Saturday, potay-to, potah-to)
We are going to the Chamna Natural Preserve. What am I waiting for??
Smell ya later!
June 5th 2008 6:31 pm
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I thought Washington was great. I thought they treated dogs very nicely here.
I was wrong.
My Welcome Waggin' brought me a root canal. Here's what I learned today: When someone tells you that something as about as much fun as a root canal, they do not actually mean it is fun. Take it from me.
On the up side, I had an entire can of Smothered Comfort for myself tonight. (Thank you, Star and pack!) Mmm...Smothered Comfort.
AnyLoo, back to the trip.
Day 137:
We arrive at Bear River State Park in Wyoming. There are bison and seagulls. Bark! Chase! WhooLoo! Bison make these tasty little chips that I am not allowed to eat. Who knew?
Day 284:
I feel as though I have been in the truck my whole life. Maybe longer. Spring has lost it, I think. She has taken to wearing Cheez-Its on her face. It is the best she has ever looked.
Day 285:
Idaho Ho! Twin Falls, Idaho welcomes me. As they should. We eat Mexican takeout and bark at the other hotel patrons at 1:30 a.m. The bosses say we are lucky not to be evicted. I say, they should be proud to have 3 good guard dogs. They should invite us for biscuits and gravy at the continental breakfast. The bosses don't agree.
Day 354:
MooseWatch 2008 is a complete bust. A gazillion miles in the car and just one sqooshed moose that I don't even get to stop to rub my ears in. Sigh.
Day 456:
We're home! Yay! The White House is mine, all mine. It is not white. The Secret Service are still very secretive. Probably that is why the house is sort of green. More sneaky that way. I like it anyway. There are pheasants and quail in my yard. There are trails and paths everywhere and fantastic things to smell.
Other than that whole "Welcome to Washington! Have a root canal!" thing, I would say it is a pretty good place to be.
June 1st 2008 1:19 pm
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No! Don't make me go back in the truck! Pleeeeeeeeeeze! I promise I'll be good. I will eat my nasty Healthy Coat pill. I will not pee on my own feet. I will not make ugly faces when I am cranky! Just don't make me go back in the truck!!!!!
Oh, whoops. Sorry. I must have been dreaming. You know how sometimes those dreams are so real...
AnyLoo, where was I? Oh, yes, I remember now.
Day 38:
We reluctantly leave Lincoln and head out over the looooong state of Nebraska. Along the way (day 42 I think) we stop in North Platte, Nebraska at what might have been the country's most boring state park were it not for the buffalo. Buffalo are superfun. When we all went over to give them a good sniff they ran away. Stampede! Just like the old west only with fences and picnic tables. Even better, Star's dad packed us lunch. There were goodies for everyone. How cool is that?
The rest of the park was really dull. Seems that the Buffalo Bill State Park at Scout's Rest is where Buffalo Bill stayed when he was not whooping it up on Wild West tours. Bo-ring. No squirrels. No birds. No interesting things to roll in. Thank goodness for our sack lunch. It saved the day.
Day 47:
We arrive in Cheyenne, Wyoming to spend the night. We stop at the last Culver's in the west. Could this have been the last time I ever taste deep fried cheese curds or frozen custard? Say it isn't so!! Ah, cheese curds. I miss you already.
I told you it was a long trip. And a long story. More soon!
May 31st 2008 8:51 pm
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Well, like a zillion things have happened since I barked last. I have arrived at the White House, which is surprisingly greenish. More about that later.
Here is the whole scoop. You already know that we have had lots of strangers in the house looking at our stuff. Most of them would come and go while we were gone but the bosses would hide all our toys and vacuum forEVER. Then we would go on a long walk while the strangers inspected our junk. But this last batch of strangers in the house actually put all our stuff in boxes all over the house. We had boxes everywhere. The grrrls and I were mostly not allowed to supervise, although Spring tried her best. We all told the strangers to go ahead and put Spring in a box but they refused. Too bad. We might have had some peace and quiet for a little while. AnyLoo, next thing I know, a new batch of strangers stole all our stuff and put it in a big orange truck. Some of it we have yet to find.
So then we had an empty house and we were all tired from watching strangers work. So we decided to hop in the truck and drive to Washington. Drive? Me, the President? Whatever happened to Air Force One, is what I want to know. I would have thought there would at least be some sort of caravan. I have to say I am impressed with my Secret Service agents, at least. They were so secret I couldn't even see them. Spooky.
Day 1:
My stuff disappears. We drive to St. Louis, Missouri. The nice people at the hotel give the bosses cookies. I would have thought they were much nicer if they had given me a warm chocolate chip cookie too. Being President does not have as many perks as I would have thought. I am beginning to wonder what good it is to lead this thoughtless country. No private jet, no cookies. Hm.
Day 7:
We have driven for 6 days straight and arrive in Kansas City, Kansas where we bark out to Boomer Sooner and Dottie Mae. We also meet up with the boss man's sister. She feeds me an entire tin of cookies. Things are looking up. I am pretty sure we have room to pack her in the trailer. She is just the kind of person I need on my staff.
Day 15:
We drive for another bazillion hours and arrive at the Casa de Star in lovely Lincoln, Nebraska. We are pampered beyond our wildest imaginations by Star, Winnie, and Tim's mom and dad. I get lots of scritches and tasty snacks. I am pretty sure I can make room for them on my staff too. I need an Executive Chef or two. I chat up Star from afar...seems I am not to be trusted up close when I am tired and out of my element. Well, duh. I have been traveling for 37 days. What can you expect?
It was a long trip, so it is a long story. More tomorrow!
May 15th 2008 7:52 am
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Seems I'm not the only one thinking about cloning. My friend Flecken is too. But he seems to have given it a little more thought than I did. According to Flecken, cloning me will not make another me. It will make a Lyle-like Whigle who might not actually want my spot on the couch. Here is how Flecken explained it to me:
The first (and most important) thing is that you are not really creating another "you." You are merely creating a genetically identical duplication of you. Due to the effects of non-biologic factors such as food, home life, school, etc., Lyle2 would look exactly like you, and have the same genetic predisposition toward health-related matters, but would (hopefully) not act exactly like you! In other words, now that the bosses have some hard-earned experience in the care and feeding of whigles, that experience would impact Lyle2's personality and behavior...in effect resulting in an intellectually and behaviorally superior Lyle2 (assuming that they don't make the same mistakes with Lyle2 as they did with LyleYou).
So obviously I don't want one of those. But other than me, who wouldn't want one? Duh. Everyone would want a Lyle.
I hear what the people want and now your dreams can come true. Behold Gro-A-Lyle. You send me $5000 or 3 chickens and I will send you my toenail clippings. You too can Gro-A-Lyle! Your Lyle might be just like me or he might be just like Lyle2. It's up to you.
Call now! Operators are standing by.
May 1st 2008 3:53 pm
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Cloning.
Yes, I know it is a recipe for heartbreak. Ah, Doodlebug, I miss you still. But I'd really like another me. There are two grrrls and just one me. I could use another Lyle.
I was thinking about worms and how you can turn one worm into two. Lucky little worms. I don't know if that would work for Whigles or not and it seems like it would be kind of painful so I'm hoping I can grow Lyle2 off of a toenail clipping because that whole chopping thing just does not sound good to me.
So I am dreaming about what life will be like when Lyle2 sprouts from my toenail...
LyleMe: Hey, Lyle2, let's do something superfun.
Lyle2: Just a sec. I'm thirsty.
LyleMe: Hey! That's my water! Stop that! Don't drink all the water!
Lyle2: You always drink all the water too.
LyleMe: But it's MY water. I don't like to share it.
Lyle2: But I'm you!
LyleMe: (blinking slowly) Whoa, mindbend. I need a nap. Hey! Lyle2! That's MY spot on the couch!
Lyle2: But since I am you, it's my spot too.
LyleMe: You're a selfish little bugger.
Lyle2: Don't you know it.
Okay, so maybe cloning isn't all it's cracked up to be. I wonder if I could at least make him take my baths for me.
April 19th 2008 12:46 pm
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I have heard that some dogs have Extra Powerful Senses that tell them when things like tornadoes and earthquakes are coming. My EPS doesn't work like that. My EPS helps me to know when the Schwann guy is coming to the neighbors' house. That is much more useful if you ask me.
For example, yesterday morning we had an earthquake. Yep, a big ol' shaker. I heard it started out somewhere in Illinois but we felt it here. Not important. Why bother waking up before 6 in the morning to let anyone know? It isn't like we were in any danger. And we certainly weren't going to get any chicken out of it. Not to mention I was sleepy. But when the Schwann guy comes, someday he might stop at our house by mistake and give me chicken. So you tell me, would you rather know about a little earthquake or a chicken delivery guy?
Chicken, every time.
April 11th 2008 5:24 am
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The boss is back in town. Yeah, I didn't realize he was gone either. But he was and now he's back. Turns out he was in Washington. I suppose he was getting the place ready for my arrival. Telling them to stock up on chicken and things like that. I still don't know all that much about Washington but I know I will like it there from the few things I know about it already:
1. There are seagulls and other big birds. I like big birds. (And I cannot lie. I like to bark at 'em and watch 'em fly.)
2. Wait for it...Sausage Festival! Every September. Polish, Italian, German...be still my growling stomach.
3. I'll be in charge.
So I'm looking forward to getting there. The bosses tell me it will be a few weeks yet. Lucky for me I am keeping busy while I wait. Let me tell you about yesterday.
The bosses and Spring and Maebe and I drove to Ohio to meet up with Basil's mom and dad and new sister and Skye's mom. It was superfun. There were treats! Lots of treats! Lots of pats and scritches. I do love a good scritching. I was a little shocked to see that Basil's sister is completely furless. And she didn't want to play at all. But she ate a lot and napped a lot so she's good in my book.
Now the best part...the coolest dog park EVER. Well, okay, it was the only dog park I have ever been to but it was supercool. We had a blast. When it was over the boss man took a picture and then I was almost able to send Spring home with Skye's mom. So close. I hope I get to try again soon!!
April 2nd 2008 1:44 pm
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The Spring Fairy visited me and Little Bit and brought us bluebirds! Thank you, Spring Fairy!
March 30th 2008 1:43 pm
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Everything is a-ok in my world. My EPS-ey-sense has not been tingling lately. Turns out what set it off last time was the installation of a new protective shield on the top of our house. I had no idea that we had such a bad alien problem around here but I feel much safer knowing that it is there. I shudder to think what would happen if aliens abducted me. I do not do well with probing.
AnyLoo, I was shocked to find out that some of my friends have not been able to find someone to install an alien-protective shield on their houses. I worry about them. So I have developed a Hi Lyle! personal protective shield.
It has the snappy little Hi Lyle! logo and everything. Order yours today!
March 22nd 2008 7:46 am
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Everyone knows that dogs have sensitive noses. Some of us have good hearing and eyesight too. But some dogs, like Yours Truly, are blessed with super powers to sense things not everyone else can. I call it Extra Powerful Senses, or EPS. I have them.
Take today, for example. Long before anyone else in this house realized it, I sensed something out of the ordinary was going on. I had this inkling that something was different. Just a little off. How did I know? It's just my EPS. I don't know how it works.
Spring says, "You big doofus, there are like 12 guys ripping the shingles off the roof and they sound like they're about to come through the ceiling."
Maybe Spring has EPS too.
In other news, the Hi Lyle line has expanded just in time for the holiday. I'm proud to offer Hi Lyle chocolate chip cookies and Hi Lyle mini chocolate eggs. They won't melt in your paws. Happy Easter!
March 20th 2008 4:20 pm
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I have decided that if I am going to be President, I should make sure that I am easy to recognize. Of course most everyone can recognize a Super Handsome Whigle when they see me, but not everyone has seen me. Yet. So in the meantime I thought I should do some advertising.
I was going to make a little Super Handsome Lyle logo and call it "hello doggie," but I decided "Hi Lyle" is catchier.
I am thinking about marketing Hi Lyle lunchboxes, Hi Lyle pencil cases, Hi Lyle snack cakes and Hi Lyle portable toilets. The possibilities are endless.
March 9th 2008 4:06 pm
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I have just been told that it will be very expensive for me to move to Washington. Dexter says I should probably walk. I am fine with that. I like walking better than riding in the truck anyway. But I figure I won't be able to take as much stuff if I am walking. So I have started to get together all the stuff I don't need.
There. I think I'm ready.
Unfortunately the bosses say they have too much stuff to carry and we are stuck taking it in the truck, so my big cross country hike is off.
I have been trying to think of other ways to make my trip more eco-friendly. I have a few ideas.
1. I will eat all my kibble and treats before we leave so we have less to carry.
2. I will eat a cat. Why? I don't know, but Dexter says I should.
3. I will ride in the front seat of the truck. I'll get there faster that way.
No need to thank me, Mother Earth. I am all about what is best for the planet.
February 23rd 2008 12:07 pm
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Surprisingly, not much has changed since I became President. I suppose that's probably because I haven't moved to Washington yet. I hear that will happen in May. That should give me plenty of time to remember what my campaign promises were. I think there was something about chicken. Mmm...chicken. It looks like I have to wait until I get to Washington to get my superpowers or whatever it is that gives me total control of the country.
AnyLoo, from what I understand, this is the time of the Lame Duck. It hasn't arrived yet. It must be coming by mail. I haven't decided what to do with it yet. It will probably depend on whether the duck is Lame as in "gimpy," in which case I am thinking Peking Duck. Of course if he's Lame as in "tells silly jokes," then I will keep him around. I like silly jokes. I can't wait till he gets here! Mmm...silly duck.
February 16th 2008 1:40 pm
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Guess what? I am going to Washington. It's true! I think I might have won the election. I wonder if I am President.
I go to Washington at the end of May. It is all very exciting. I had kind of forgot to run for Congress this year but I guess my constituents remembered me anyway. How lucky for me!
It is just a matter of time before my campaign promises are reality. I wish I could remember what they were.
February 11th 2008 5:32 pm
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I am not ashamed to admit it. I love soap. I like Dove best but I'm not that fussy. I even like shampoo. I will lick it off of anyone who might happen to be in the tub with me when I get a bath. Mmm...soapy Spring.
Today my supply was cut off. How did it happen? I was trolling for soap licks, like usual. There was a partly used bar of Dove in the shower. The boss ma'am offered me a lick. She loves me, she truly does. Lick, lick, gotcha! I'm off to the races. See if you can make me spit it out, Boss Ma'am. It slides right down the soap hole.
So now she says, No Soap for Loo. Phooey. I was feeling so fresh, so clean...so one quarter moisturized.
My name is Lyle and I eat soap.
February 10th 2008 9:52 am
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When the Boss Ma'am is not home, things go to heck in a handbasket.
* Spring sleeps in and nobody gets chicken jerky for breakfast.
* Nobody scratches my knees.
* My teeth don't get brushed.
* Nobody sings songs and adds my name to the lyrics.
* We all stay up late and get tired and cranky.
But now she is home. I am pretty sure she was gone. I think she was gone. AnyLoo, she brought PRESENTS!! I got a squeaky pink spotted elephant from Sergei and Dani. The Boss Ma'am says their mom is super nice. She is the one who brought the pink spotted elephant, so I would have to agree.
It is good to have the pack all together. My knees were getting itchy.
February 3rd 2008 6:31 am
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I am lucky to have smart friends.
Smart Friend Dexter Nova Bright Star knows a lot about Space Eaters. He explained it all to me.
He uses big science-y words, though, so I'll let him tell you all about it himself.
"How it works, exothermically speaking, is it systematically reduces the space of any three-dimensional geometical whatzit in which it finds itself, without reducing the energy therein contained. Thus, an ever decreasing space containing a constant amount of energy must needs get warmer.
And it works pretty well, too. Until you start hitting your head on the ceiling. At that point, you'd better get out of the room while you can still squeeze through the door. Because that room is going to get both infinitely small and infinitely hot before you can say "Bob's your uncle."
Caution: Do NOT stop and try to say "Bob's your uncle"--get out NOW!
Your bosses must be quite insane. Perhaps it's the heat."
I knew that hot-breathed demon was no good. The Space Eater, I mean, of course.
February 2nd 2008 7:36 am
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I think it is really cool to have a rodent holiday on my birthday. Groundhogs for everyone!
I haven't seen our resident groundhogs, Spoot and Annie, yet. They will see their shadows for sure this morning, though, so I guess that means 6 more weeks of birthday celebrations for me. Or something like that.
In honor of Groundhog Day I posted some pictures of me as a puppy. I was pretty adorable. I am still pretty adorable. You can also see some delicious looking birthday cake. Mmm....cake.
Thanks to everyone who has made my birthday super fun!
February 1st 2008 3:48 pm
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Turns out that the lumps under the blanket are not Blanket Sharks after all. You would have thought that a shark expert like me would have known this, but no. My good friend Star has educated me, though.
Here is what happens. The grrrls get into bed. Then the boss ma'am gets into bed. She lifts what Star says is the Automatic Arm which raises the covers and the grrrls scoot underneath. The solid growly lump is actually Spring. The other lump is Maebe. Who knew?
Blanket Sharks: This myth is Busted!
Next, let's take a look at the Space Eater. The bosses got one of these for the office, where we all hang out unless there is stuff for me to bark at. Then I go to my Room of Requirement, the front foyer, or wrestle with Jefferson the plant to see out the windows of the piano room.
AnyLoo, the office is cold. That's why they got the Space Eater. It is some sort of evil, angry hissing animal with hot breath. It breathes its hot breath in the room so the bosses stay warm. Clearly they do not see the danger. But I do. The Space Eater is not to be trusted. That's why I keep my distance at all times. I give it the Hairy Eyeball, just to be sure.
So unless someone tells me otherwise, this myth is Confirmed: Space Eater=Dangerous Urban Monster.
January 28th 2008 3:47 pm
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On the advice of my good friend Izzie, Dogster's sleep guru, I have been trying to spend a little time on the Big Bed every night. I jump up there all by myself! Yes, I do! This is the new me. High Jumping Whigle.
AnyLoo, I have noticed that a strange thing happens after everyone goes to bed. When I jump up the grrrls are usually already there. Fine with me, as long as Maebe is not breathing my air. But then the strange thing happens. When the bosses go to bed, Spring and Maebe disappear. I honestly have no idea where they go. I have noticed that there are two lumps under the blankets but I don't know what they are. The little solid lump growls sometimes. The other lump is just a lump. The only thing I can figure is that they are blanket sharks. My best guess is that the blanket sharks eat the grrrls every night and then throw them up in the morning. It is the only logical explanation. So far the blanket sharks have been leaving me pretty much alone. Until last night.
One of the blanket sharks swam right into me last night. I was just drifting off to sleep. I was dreaming about ice cream, when BAM! I was bumped by the blanket shark. I nearly hit my head on the ceiling, that's how surprised I was. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the night with the polar bears. They are much more polite.
At long last I have a picture to show you of the Screaming Monkey Hat from Skye. Check it out. It's much more impressive than it looks. When you push its paw it screams "Oooo-aahh-ah-ah!" and its eyes flash red lights. It is the coolest hat I have ever worn.
January 25th 2008 12:17 pm
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It's not so much that it's cold. Although it definitely is cold. It's more that lately I've been finding myself doing things I wouldn't normally do.
Like sleeping on the bed. I have never been a Big Bed Whigle. I don't like it up there. I like my safe kennel, even if there are sometimes polar bears in it. But for some reason lately I feel an overwhelming need to be on the bed. Or in a lap. I have never been a Lap Whigle either, but now I want to be one.
I think it has something to do with Maebe. She is a Big Bed Biggie. And a lap dog. And she is still breathing my air. I think she must be contagious.
January 19th 2008 2:57 pm
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I have been watching the writers' strike very closely. See, I do all my own writing for LyleTV. I do not belong to a union. I write whenever I feel like it and I am as funny as I want to be.
Unfortunately, my production crew is another story. They are lazy. They just don't understand how much my audience needs me! Just the other day I had to sit them all down and give them the what-for.
Here's how it went:
ME: We need more shows! There hasn't been anything new on LyleTV in over a week. Get to work!
PRODUCTION CREW: I'm busy, Lyle. I do have another job, you know.
ME: Come on, Boss Ma'am. Where are your priorities?
PC: Do you like to eat, Lyle?
ME: Oh, yes, I love to eat. What have you got to eat?
PC: Nothing, if you don't let me go to work to earn money for your kibble.
ME: Blah, blah. Fine. Go to work. When you come home, hop to it and type up my shows.
PC: When I get home I'm tired. And I like to spend some time with the girls and your Boss Man, too, you know.
ME: Again I say blah, blah. I have an idea. Send Spring and Maebe back to the shelter. Then you'll have plenty of time for my projects.
PC: Not going to happen, Lyle.
ME: But Maebe's been breathing my air again. You know how I hate that. And Spring is...well, she's Spring. Can't you do something about that?
PC: They're staying, Lyle. Deal with it. Maybe if you ask them nicely, they'll help you with your shows.
ME: Ha! Ask them nicely? To help me? Ha! Maebe already ruined Lyle's Toy Box and Spring scared all the guests off of the Lyle and Springer Show. They're hopeless.
~~~~~~~~
So in the end, the Production Crew really let me down. What will happen? I don't know. LyleTV may end up as another casualty of another strike. To all my dedicated viewers, I thank you. And keep watching. There are always reruns.
January 5th 2008 3:56 pm
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We here at LyleTV are dedicated to bringing you the most important news, all the time. Lucky for me and my nap schedule there is not much important news.
However, the Dateline: LyleTV staff has recently sniffed out a dangerous new trend-- untrained practitioners performing squeakerectomies on stuffed toys. Since many of my dedicated viewers are surrounded by new squeaky toys brought by Santa, I knew it was time for Dateline: LyleTV to teach you how to spot these charlatans.
A talented squeakerectomy surgeon is licensed and vaccinated. He or she will never try to goad a toy into an unnecessary procedure. When a squeakerectomy is indicated, it will be done with precision and minimal fluff loss. The best of us can actually perform Minimally Invasive Squeakerectomies. It is truly a work of art.
Behold, the work of a hack. Witness the destruction and total fluff loss. Don't allow your toys to come under the teeth of one of these fakes. It will only end in tragedy.
Ask to see your surgeon's license. Check his tags. Ask to see examples of his work. Any squeakerectomizer worth his kibble will be happy to show you. You can thank me later.
December 25th 2007 8:15 am
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Happy holidays!
Let's celebrate by letting Rex and Sparky (authors of The Dangerous Book for Dogs) answer some of dogdom's most burning questions.
"Q: If a westbound train traveling 1200 miles at a speed of 120 mph leaves the station at 3 p.m., and another, heading east 400 miles to Chicago at approximately 70 mph, passes that station at 2 p.m., which train will arrive first?
A: Trains sure are fun to bark at.
Q: Which train is serving meatloaf?
A: The westbound train is serving a delightful meatloaf accompanied by creamy mashed potatoes, julienned vegetables, and a serviceable cabernet. Assuming a six ounce serving of meatloaf and approximately 400 passengers, if the train continues at its current speed, you should be able to smell it for exactly 24 minutes--before, during, and after it passes through your town.
Q: Where do humans go all day?
A: None of us likes to be left alone. The mind begins to wander: Where is my owner? This is just like him. He does this every Monday through Friday. Is he at the dog park? Is he with another dog? Did he go on a walk? I'll bet he did. When will he be home? Is he having fun without me?
You'll be relieved to hear that the answer to that last question is a resounding 'no.' Your owner is at work, which is kind of like a kennel for humans. More than likely, he is sitting in a small, cube shaped space for approximately eight hours, taking orders from his 'boss,' or Alpha, being generally submissive, and thinking about how badly he wants to go home. He is not particularly happy about it, but he does enjoy socializing with co-workers, sneaking a nap when his boss is not in, and taking advantage of unlimited coffee refills. His reward for going is a little bit of money to spend on you, his one and only, who he is always happy to come home to. Greet him warmly.
Q: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?
A: It is a question as old as the mountains and the trees. Who is a good boy?
When you stop to think about it, what do the words 'good,' or 'boy,' or 'who is a' really even mean? Indeed, the world is rarely as simple as 'good' or 'bad,' both being unreal absolute concepts that only have meaning in relation to one another. Most of us demonstrate complex moral behaviors that could hardly be labeled consistently 'good' or 'bad': We exhibit heroism one moment and cowardice the next, alternately bite and lick the very hands that feed us. And none of us would be so foolhardy as to argue for a moment that we are 'boys'--that term clearly refers exclusively to the immature male offspring of the Homo sapiens and does not accurately describe any member of the canine community.
Perhaps the only real answer is 'none of us.' None of us is unequivocally 'good,' none of us is a 'boy,' and none of us can truthfully claim to be a 'good boy.'
Or, the answer is you. Yes it is! It's YOU! You are a good boy! You are a very good boy!"
Yay! I'm a good boy! Rex and Sparky say so.
December 24th 2007 2:07 pm
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Welcome back to my book club! Today I'm reading again from The Dangerous Book for Dogs, by Rex and Sparky.
I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Skye, who I used to think was my friend. Strong words from a peace loving Whigle, you say? Lyle, who never barks anything bad about anyone? Except maybe Spring. She can be a real crankypants. And Maebe. Because she's a stinkin' thief. And the UPS guy. Just on principle. And puppies. Because they bug me. But other than that, I'm a super nice Whigle. So why is Skye a former friend? All I have to say is this: Screaming Monkey Hat. Thanks a bunch, Skye.
Okeydokey, pups, settle in and grab a snack. Here's the chapter you've been waiting for: How to Escape Humiliating Costumes
"However much you wish to please your owner, you must put your paw down when it comes to costumes. Being dressed in a studded biker helmet and a pair of vinyl chaps demeans you both. If your owner insists on putting you in one of these costumes, bark twice, aggressively, to voice your displeasure. If he is unable or unwilling to listen, you must do everything within your power to escape from the outfit at once.
Remember, it is not disrespectful or disloyal to escape from a ridiculous outfit. In fact, it is imperative that you do so immediately. Otherwise you will most assuredly be photographed, the photographs will surface on the Internet, and you will have little chance of ever recovering your dignity."
Rex and Sparky, why have I waited so long to learn? Ah, well, better late than never. They have some helpful tips for specific costumes. This should come just in time for your holiday celebrations. Good luck!
"Reindeer
This common seasonal humiliation is fairly simple to escape; all you have to do is work free of the awkward antler headdress. To do this:
1. Bow your head until the antler tips are touching the floor.
2. Work the antlers into the ground.
3. The antlers should fall from your head. Pick them up, take them outside, and quickly bury them in a neighboring yard.
Elf
The holidays are rife with costuming dangers. Those fortunate enough to escape the l9oathsome reindeer outfit should not gloat too quickly, lest they find themselves outfitted in the dignity-robbing elf costume."
Oh, do I know the humiliation!! Let's learn how to rescue ourselves!
"1. Find a solid, freestanding object or a sturdy wall where you can work unobserved by your costumer.
2. Begin rubbing the costume against the wall, slowly at first, and then more forcefully. At the same time, use your paw to tug the bottom of the costume toward the floor.
3. The snaps holding the felt costume around your shoulders should give, freeing you.
4. If you are wearing a cap, you use the removal techniques listed above for antlers.
5. Shred the costume thoroughly. We suggest ripping each item into at least thirty-two smaller pieces. Chew on it, drool on it, but whatever you do, be thorough. You want to ensure that felt never touches your fur again."
Oh, wise and wonderful Rex and Sparky! Finally someone has written about things we all really need to know.
Tomorrow, Rex and Sparky will answer all your most burning questions about the world!
December 23rd 2007 6:29 am
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I found a book every dog should read. It's called The Dangerous Book for Dogs by Rex and Sparky. It is brilliant.
For a special holiday treat, I have decided to read to you some tips from the book. I think you'll find them helpful for all your holiday celebrations.
Grab some popcorn and marshmallows and curl up by the fire. Uncle Lyle is reading a story.
From Chapter 2: Begging--A primer:
"There are many styles, methods, and schools of thought as to the most successful methods of begging. Dogs have debated this topic for ages, but, in the end, you must find the style that suits you best. Regardless of which style you choose, here are a few guidelines to follow.
Correct Form
Posture
Is your head erect? Is your back straight? Are you seated comfortably enough to maintain this position throughout a five-course dinner?
Eyes
Many a meal is won or lost with a trick of the eyes. You may choose a docile, desperate, or hopeful look, but whichever you choose, be sure to maintain eye contact with your owner. You are hypnotizing him. He must look directly into your eyes. He is under your control. He will give you the porterhouse. He will...give...you...the porterhouse. For best results, do not blink. Ever.
Ears
Your body doesn't stop at the top of your head, and neither should your technique. Always follow through with your ears. Floppy ears should extend out to the sides as much as possible. Pointed ears should remain high and sharp. Remember, good posture starts in the ears and ends in the toes. Use every inch in between to your advantage."
Good stuff, huh? Come back tomorrow and I will read to you from Chapter 9: How to Escape Humiliating Costumes.
December 13th 2007 2:29 pm
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Funny thing about my Toy Box. Since, oh, around August or so, it's been pretty much empty. I sure had some great toys. Remember my octopus? The one with the grunter and 8 squeaky legs? I loved it so. Look what happened.
Then I got this supercool Dirty Rotten Kitty. I loved the Dirty Rotten Kitty. The Dirty Rotten Kitty loved me. He was my first cat.
Then the most horrible thing imaginable happened.
It happens to every toy.
She got my Easter dog too.
I think I am living with a kleptomaniac. She steals everything. Sure, she seems sweet, but clearly she is full of rage. She destroys everything she steals! See these fun fleece bones? We each had one. I'm happily squeaking away, and then: "Mine." Then yoink. No toy, no joy. Fluff everywhere. So sad.
I don't know what to do. I only have one toy left. No way am I taking my eyes off of it.
December 9th 2007 12:54 pm
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My Christmas elf name is Zippy Fluffy Paws. Too bad being an elf is such hard work, otherwise I'd really dig the name.
Get your name here. Thanks for the link, Rosie!
November 26th 2007 6:15 pm
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Handsome Host Lyle: I didn't know that I could even think these words, much less say them, but I'm full! I don't think I could eat another bite. Well, not a big bite, anyway. I'm so sleepy...Surely no one will mind if I take a quick nap.
Finds a sunny spot, circles twice and curls up for a nap. Presently he hears a noise, which awakens him with a start.
HH: What's that? Who's there?
Darkness has fallen. A figure appears in the shadows. Lyle squints at it and sniffs the air.
HH: Cletus? Is that you? What's that jingling noise? Are you in chains?
Cletus: Don't be silly, Lyle. That's just the tags on my collar. I'm here to be your Spirit Guide. Come with me, we have a long trip ahead of us.
HH: Are we going to the beach? I like the beach. And I don't know much about spirits, so I guess it's good you're here. Should we start with bourbon?
Cletus: Not that kind of spirit, Lyle. Grab my tail.
HH: Your tail? (eyes him suspiciously) This isn't a "pull my finger" kind of thing, is it?
Cletus: (rolls eyes) Just grab my tail, Lyle.
Lyle takes hold of Cletus' tail and suddenly the room around him disappears. He and Cletus are floating in a vast darkness. Gradually a light appears ahead of them. As his vision clears, Lyle finds himself in a familiar room.
HH: Hey! This is my living room! But who are they? (points to a tricolored puppy and a black terrier wrestling on the floor) Wait a minute! That's me! And Little Bit! What's going on here, Cletus? Cletus! Is that who I think it is? (points to another ghostly figure watching the dogs play)
Cletus: Yes, that's Little Bit. She's the ghost of Whigle Past. She's here to remind you about who you were, back before you were a TV star.
HH: Little Bit! I've missed you so much! Come here, Bitty, let me smell you!
Cletus: It's time to move on, Lyle.
HH: I don't want to go! I want to stay here with Little Bit. This was the happiest time in my whole life.
Cletus: And that was before you were famous, Lyle. Little Bit helped to make you into the dog you are today. Hold on to my tail.
HH: Please, Cletus, can't I stay?
Cletus: I'm sorry, Lyle. We have to go.
Lyle, whimpering softly, takes hold of Cletus' tail and the vision before him dissolves into blackness. Daylight reappears and he finds himself in his own yard, watching the Survivor contestants milling about.
HH: Howdy, guys! How's it going?
Another ghost appears next to Lyle, saying: They can't hear you, Lyle.
HH: Samantha? What are you doing here?
Samantha: I'm the ghost of Whigle Present. This is the world you've created.
HH: Pretty cool, huh?
Samantha: Are you sure?
HH: What do you mean? (looks around slowly) That's strange. No one seems to be having any fun. Why aren't they having any fun?
Samantha: They're worried, Lyle. They know that when you wake up from your nap, you're going to come out to the yard and tell them that someone has lost the challenge and that someone has to go home. They don't want to vote against each other. They just want to play and have a good time.
HH: I didn't mean to make them so upset. What should I do?
Samantha: Well, if I were you, I'd have a party. One with lots of food.
HH: Uh, I think I ate everything already.
Cletus: It's that time again, Lyle. We have to move on.
HH: Bye, Samantha. It was nice seeing you. (grabs Cletus' tail) Where are we going now?
Cletus: You'll see.
HH: (blinking as darkness turns to light once more) I don't recognize this place.
A third ghost appears at Lyle's side and says: But do you recognize that dog?
HH: Seva? Oh, Seva! It's wonderful to see you. (looks at the old dog before him) I don't know who that is.
Seva: That's you, Lyle. I'm the ghost of Whigle Future. Let's listen in and see what you'll become.
Old Lyle: Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel? He woke up exhausted and tired. Get it? Exhausted? Tired? Ah, I slay me!
HH: Hahahahaha! Hold on, why isn't anyone laughing?
Seva: Lyle, dear, your jokes just got stale. You kept doing the same old, same old, and all your fans just drifted away.
HH: I have no fans? I'm all alone? No one will laugh with me?
Seva: They still laugh at you, Lyle.
Old Lyle: Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses? They will be for people who love meat tender.
HH: I think he's funny.
Seva: You'd be the only one, Lyle.
Cletus: Time to go, Lyle. You know what to do.
The vision fades away and Lyle finds himself back in his sunny room, curled up on a cushion.
HH: I just had the strangest dream. Was it a dream? Is everyone still in my backyard? (throws open a window and yells out to the yard) Hullo! What day is it?
Josie: It's still Monday, Lyle.
HH: It's Monday! It's still Monday! Thank goodness! (races out to the yard where the contestants are still waiting, hugs them all) My friends! Guess what! The game is over!
Rosie: It is? Who won?
HH: Everyone! You all won! I have presents for all of you. Is there any food left over? Let's have a party!
The contestants let out a cheer and begin gathering the left over food from the contest. Lyle watches. smiling, as they laugh and eat. He hears a jingling in the sky above him and gives a wink to his Spirit Guide.
THE END
November 18th 2007 12:33 pm
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Handsome Host Lyle: I can't wait to see what the Empty Birdfeeders have cooked for us. How's your appetite holding up, MacKenzie?
Beautiful Hostess MacKenzie: Pretty good, Lyle. Of course I didn't just eat an entire LyleShark.
HH: You should have. It was dee-lish. Howdy there, Birdfeeders! Whatcha got cookin'?
Goldie: Welcome, Lyle. Have a seat.
HH: Wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to be with the other team until the end of the challenge?
Vincent: I knew we were missing somebody!
Comu': She's on our team. She's always been on our team. Nobody leaves this team.
HH: So I've noticed.
Goldie: We were thinking about all the foods you like best and we really couldn't narrow it down to a single menu.
HH: I have that problem every day! What did you do?
Josie: Everyone made something for you. We'll let Goldie start.
Goldie: Thanksgiving has come early to your backyard, Lyle! You'll start off with a turkey roll with cornbread dressing. On the side is my special cranberry sauce. Now, don't forget to eat your veggies! I have whipped potatoes and green bean casserole with onion.
HH: Do I get dessert?
Goldie: Of course, if you finish your veggies.
HH: I will! I will!
Goldie: I made my special pumpkin spice cream cake.
HH: (eyes closed, smiling) Mmm....
MacK: That was delicious! Now I really am stuffed.
Josie: But wait! There's more!
HH: (his eyes snap open and his tail begins to wag furiously) There is? Really?
Comu: I made you a coffee gift basket. It has cappucino brownies, coffee fudge brownies, a boule de neige, a mocha java shake, a thick coffee banana smoothie, Coffee Time blueberry pie, walnut coffee cookies, and a coffee granita. For dessert there's a 4 layer yogurt cake with yogurt icing.
HH: Holy moly. This is going to take me a while. (2 seconds pass) Fantastic. Everything is absolutely great.
MacK: (staring at Lyle, astounded) You really ate all that?
HH: What? Didn't you have any? Whoops. Sorry about that. You would have really liked it.
Josie: We're not done.
HH: I am so loving this.
Josie: I'm going to appeal to your wild side.
HH: Ooooh!
Josie: I got you a songbird, a squirrel, and a cat!
HH: I get to taste a cat! WhooLOO! It's even better than I dreamed it would be.
Josie: And to freshen your breath I got you some gum.
HH: Gum I don't have to peel off the sidewalk! This is amazing. I never knew it could be so minty.
Maebe: My turn! My turn!!
HH: Bring it on, Maebe Baebe.
Maebe: I made a chicken. A whole chicken. I fried it.
MacK: (squinting at the bird) Did you fry it with the feathers on?
Maebe: (eyes wide, tears welling up, lower lip beginning to quiver) Did I do bad?
HH: I like it this way.
Maebe: (bouncing up and down, smiling) He likes it! He likes it! I also brought you some of that fancy ham you like.
MacK: Is that proscuitto? I'll try some of that, please.
Maebe: I have ice cream and candy too!
HH: Good girl, Maebe. Good girl.
Baxter: We're still not done.
MacK: I think I might explode.
HH: Eat through the pain, Kenzie. Feel the bloat.
Baxter: Go ahead and cleanse your palate with this chicken jerky. Then try our hand tossed pepperoni pizza.
HH: This is too good to be true. Kenzie, pinch me and see if I'm dreaming.
Kenzie: If you pinch me, I'm pretty sure I'd pop.
Baxter: I have a big, juicy T bone steak for you, perfectly rare.
HH: Be still my dripping drool!
Baxter: And to finish it all off, we have Blizzards for everyone!
MacK: I'm finished. (passes out in the grass, snoring)
HH: I don't know what to say. I've never eaten so well in my whole life. Both teams, you have truly outdone yourselves. I have to give the Dead Petunias a nod for creativity...that LyleShark is just not something I eat every day. But the Empty Birdfeeders have matched them with quantity...every one of my favorites! I honestly don't know who will win this challenge.
Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Will Lyle demand a rematch? Stay tuned!
November 17th 2007 6:02 pm
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Handsome Host Lyle: This is the moment I've been waiting for. Our teams are ready to dish up their meals. I can't wait!
Beautiful Hostess MacKenzie: I was worried we were going to have to hospitalize you for dehydration if you didn't stop drooling.
HH: Thank goodness for the cheese appetizer Rosie brought. I could have died. Mmm...cheese. His eyes glaze over and a string of drool hangs from his flews
MacK: (slaps Lyle with a paw)Come back to us, Lyle. It's time to eat!
HH: Let's start with the reigning champs from our last contest, the Dead Petunias. What have you got for me?
Rosie: Well, Lyle, we'll be starting you off with an appetizer of water chestnuts wrapped in bacon and delicately basted in a barbeque sauce.
HH: Mmm...bacon. (ducks before Kenzie can slap him again) It's delicious. What's next?
Vincent: This is truly a masterpiece, Lyle. We have a freshly caught and grilled LyleShark steak for you.
HH: LyleShark! Wow! Those are really hard to find. Mmm...tastes like chicken. Two dewclaws up!
MacK: Aren't those endangered?
HH: In danger of becoming dinner! Ha! Ha! Slaps Vincent on the back, Vincent shuffles his feet nervously
Morgan: Are you ready for dessert?
HH: Am I ever!
Morgan: I made peanut butter ice cream, just for you.
Rosie: With Twinkies from the WonderBread factory by my house!
HH: Wow. All I have at my house is a Starbucks. This is perfect...creamy and nutty, it matches perfectly with the Twinkie goo. I have a really good feeling about the Dead Petunias this time!
MacK: Good job, Petunias! Say, Lyle, you ate an awful lot. Do you still have room for the Empty Birdfeeders' meal?
HH: Hahahaha! That's a good one, Kenzie! Oh, you're serious. Don't worry about me. I could do this all day.
Will this really last all day? Will it ever end? Stay tuned!
November 13th 2007 4:47 pm
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Handsome Host Lyle: Welcome back to the yard. Our teams our busy preparing for their challenge: Feed me! They're each preparing a meal and whichever team creates the meal I like best will be the winner. TV just doesn't get any better than this, don't you agree, MacKenzie?
Beautiful Hostess MacKenzie: Sure, whatever you say, Lyle.
HH: Kenzie? You okay? You do know that you get to eat some of everything, too, don't you?
MacK: I do? This is great TV!
HH: Our teams have been very, very busy. Rosie and Morgan have been at the Kroger for quite a while. Let's check in on them from our remote cameras.
Cut to live feed from the local Kroger
Morgan: Hurry up, Rosie! We don't have a lot of time.
Rosie: (blinking, and then staring wide-eyed at all the food)Is this heaven?
Morg: Come on! We need to get to the meat counter. Vincent has something special in mind. I think we're going to need to talk to the butcher.
Rosie: Meat? Where? Can I have some?
Morg: (sighing)Follow me. (finds her way to the meat counter only to realize that she has lost Rosie) Rosie! Rosie!
Rosie: (calling back to her from the deli counter)Morgan! Come here! You have got to see this!
(Morgan races to the deli counter, where she finds Rosie standing with her paws on the glass case, licking the last few morsels of cheese from a tray.)
Morgan: Rosie! What are you doing?
Rosie: Look! Free samples! (to the deli guy)May I try the Muenster, please?
Morgan: Come on! We need to...wait, did you say Muenster? Can I try some of that too, please?
Cut back to the yard
HH: Interesting. I wonder how Vincent is doing with the grill. Hey, Vincent, how's it going? What happened to your whiskers?
Vincent: (rubbing his nose gingerly)Little mishap with lighting the grill.
HH: Will those grow back?
Vincent: Sure, at least I think so. Those bushes and stuff will probably grow back too.
HH: So what will you be grilling?
Vincent: (grins, wincing from his singed cheeks)That's a surprise, Lyle, but you're going to love it!
HH: I hope so! Kenzie, how are things going with the Empty Birdfeeders?
MacK: They're plotting something over here, looks like. Let's take a peek.
Maebe: I know what Lyle likes! I know! I can help!
Baxter: Tell us, Maebe, you know him best.
Maebe: (Sitting up very tall and proud, tiny little chest puffed out with pride) He likes everything.
Comu': Why, ah, thank you Maebe.
Maebe: Did I help? Did I help? Can I make some more coffee?
Comu': You know, Goldie has been feeling a lot better. I think we can get her back over to our side. There's so much smoke over there from the grill that Vincent will never notice us there.
Baxter: Josie, you and I will go sneak her back. Comu', you and Maebe create a diversion. Make a lot of noise or something.
Comu': (glancing over at Maebe, who is crashing around the pots and pans trying to find the coffee grinder) Not a problem.
Josie: Let's go get Goldie and get cooking!
MacK: The Empty Birdfeeders definitely have a plan, but I haven't seen a lot of cooking going on yet. Let's hope they can get it together in time.
HH: And soon. I'm hungry!
Which team will create the most delectable delights? How will a dog who eats mulch be able to tell which is better? Tune in and find out!
November 4th 2007 2:23 pm
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Beautiful Hostess MacKenzie: Welcome back to the yard, everyone. I have a sad announcement to make. Goldie was hurt last week while chasing a rabbit out of the yard. She's recovering nicely, but she will have to be on the injured reserve list for a while. Before she left, she made some cookies and bacon-chip muffins to share with her old team.
Empty Birdfeeders: All hail Goldie!
Dead Petunias: Did she make some for us too?
MacK: Now that Lyle is back from vacation...
muttering from both teams: "About time" and "Finally"
Handsome Host Lyle: I had a great time, thank you for asking!
MacK: Okaaay, good for you, Lyle. As I was saying, we are meeting the Empty Birdfeeders at the Council Fire this evening. They lost the gardening challenge and must now vote one of their members out of the yard. Welcome, Empty Birdfeeders.
Baxter: Where's the fire?
HH: I'm not allowed to have matches. I do have a flashlight, though. See how spooky I look when I hold it under my chin? Booooo!
Maebe: Eeek! (runs and hides behind Comu')
HH: It's time to vote!
Comu'(whispering to private camera): I can't vote against Miss Maebe! With Miss Goldie gone, our team would suffer in beauty. I can't vote against Baxter! He is my friend. Who jumped in front of the mower trying to help me? Baxter! What should I do? What should I do? I can't vote against myself, can I? Hey, I have an idea. What if instead of voting someone out, I'll vote someone in. Miss Josie. She's a blonde!
Baxter(taking his turn at the camera): Ummmm.....I am not quite sure I knew that I had to vote off my pals in the unlikely event that we lost a challenge when I signed up for this gig....I just assumed that our super intelligent, almost human host would do it for us!
Maebe(to the camera): I don't want to go! I don't want Baxter or Comu' to go! starts to cry
HH: Let's tally the votes. The dog who has to leave the yard is...nobody? And Josie is joining the Empty Birdfeeders? Now, wait a minute. We've been over this. You're supposed to vote members OFF the team, not ON.
Comu': Do you remember the chicken jerky Josie's mom gave you on your way to the beach?
HH: Josie's in.
The Empty Birdfeeders cheer, welcome Josie, and race back to their Starbucks shelter/franchise
MacK: This game is never going to end, is it?
HH: It doesn't look that way. I don't know about you, Kenzie, but I'm getting a little hungry. Our next challenge is going to have to be about food. I know! Each team has to create a meal for me. Whichever meal I like best determines the winner. Teams, are you ready?
Vincent: Do we have to use only things we find in the yard?
HH: Feel free to go shopping. You can nose around the house, too, but stay out of the trash. The bosses hate that.
Morgan: I'm going shopping! You coming, Rosie?
Rosie: Fire up the grill, Vincent. We'll be right back. Morgan and Rosie race off to the local Kroger
Baxter: We're going to clean up on this one, team!
Maebe: Clean up? Do I have to do the dishes?
Josie: Let's work on the cooking first, sweetie.
Maebe: Can we cook with coffee?
HH: Just to make sure our teams stay safe from here, I've enlisted the help of an angel to keep an eye out for us. Cletus will also provide Color Commentary |
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