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My life...

May 20th 2008 9:38 pm
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Hi Friends! Long time no post! I am not nor have I been feeling too well lately and can't really dictate to my mom what to type for me. But she said she wanted to post something for all my friends to read about me and what's going on:

For the last couple of days things haven't been looking up and I don't see a good outcome. Avery's health is drastically deteriorating and it breaks my heart to see him this way. I can't stop crying and as I type this tears are starting to fall once again. I don't know how I'll be able to get through this...having to decide whether or not he'll live is killing me. I know in my heart of hearts that it's for the best. But when I look at him I have a tremendous amount of guilt. How could you put him to sleep forever? How could you look at him and without him knowing that you're thinking about ending his life? Why do they say that it is our gift as humans to make that decision? Sure when this is done and over with maybe in six months to a year I'll look back and say yeah it is a gift, it was the right decision...maybe. But for now I'm angry, hurt, confused and more importantly I'm heartbroken. I can't stop crying... Today was the first time I've cried the entire day. The day that maybe God has spoken to me and told me Avery's quality life is no more. The day that M goes on travel to San Diego and leaves me alone to deal with this (of course he has no clue I had been crying nor that Avery's condition is getting worse).

As I type this I hear him breathing very heavily like he's in pain. At about 8pm tonight I rushed him to the doctors. His breathing was heavy he threw up slimy bile. We weren't quite sure if it was bile or phlegm. In his breathing it sounded like phlegm and for a moment I thought he had pneumonia. So all that combined I thought it was best he saw a doctor ASAP. Of course going in I knew that they'd give me the whole speech on how M and I should put him down. I didn't want to hear it as I have been thinking about this for a while now and the flood gates would open and I would no longer be able to understand the doctor. And worse, to talk to M about it would be very difficult.

When we got to the vet's there were people there I guess for emergency purpose as the vet is already close but I went in as if Avery was the only one that needed attention. Sadly enough everyone saw us coming in and all had a concern look and the front desk people immediately called for a tech to take him ASAP. We waited for quite a while before the doctor talked to me. As I suspected she told me it was time. I told her that I couldn't make that decision without M and that if/when we decide on it I needed M to be there. Afterall this is his dog...the dog that he and Debbie shared. So I know that even though I'm in so depressed over this and so heartbroken, I can only imagine what's going through M's mind right now. I feel horrible that he's away on travel for work and has a ton on his mind that this is an added burden on him.

I've had other dogs prior to Avery and don't get me wrong I have loved each one of them. However Avery definitely holds a very special place in my heart. Maybe it's because I've had Avery as a grown up. I have taken full responsibilty of him. As a child when you get a dog even though you say you'll take care of it 100% of the time you really don't. You only deal with the fun times and when you have to take responsibility of it you're angry and don't want to pick up after it, feed it, bath for the most part your parents deal with it and they're the ones most at lost for it when it's time. Avery to me wasn't a dog, he is my son. We are buddies. He followed me everywhere I went. It is I who he tells he's hungry, thirsty or needs to go out. It is I who he went to for everything.

Sadly he can no longer do any of that. He just lays there. Cries and whines when he's, hungry, thirsty or uncomfortable. When I look in his eyes I don't really see much of Avery anymore except on rare occasions. He only plays with me once in a blue moon. But no matter...making that decision is just too hard.

I miss the old Avery but cherish this Avery. I ask you all to please say a prayer for him and my family.


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