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My Diary

2 Weeks and a Kitten Later

October 5th 2012 2:58 pm
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I lost my best friend 2 weeks ago. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make and the most pain I have ever felt emotionally. I find out that I am still getting over her. I did tear up last night. We were watching a show last night, and a woman said "I just want to give them one more hug..." I know that feeling well. I wanted to give Sugar one more hug, and my fiance responded by saying that I will always want to give her one more hug, and he is very right, and I miss her.

Last weekend I adopted this adorable and really tiny kitten. I didn't get her until Wednesday, but she is a hoot. We picked out a name for her. Her name is Tora, and that is Japanese for Tiger. We debated Aki (Japanese for autumn) and pumpkin, bc she has random splotches of orange on her and we got her in the month of October. She is a tiger though. She has bands on her legs that look tiger like. She is now 7 weeks old. She hasn't had an easy time w/ me. She's had diarrhea since she came home w/ me, and it could be diet change. The vet gave her different food, and then I gave her a different food mixed in w/ her old food. It may also be coccidia. We took her to the vet yesterday morning and she is on medicine and is feeling better. It's hard to write this bc she keeps attacking my keyboard and me. She is a sweet heart. I stayed up w/ her all night that first night bc her diarrhea was so bad and she threw up as well. I love her. She is not Sugar (of course) and she has helped w/ my grieving. It felt good when I teared up last night to hold her and love her and have her purr.

I'm gonna be making a catster account for her soon, and I will edit this and post a link later if anyone is interested in that :)


Opening Up

September 30th 2012 6:46 pm
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Well I have wonderful news! We have bought a kitten! I will be picking her up Wednesday. I wasn't able to bring her home because Chris has tests Tuesday and Wednesday, and one of those is the big GRE. For those of you who don't know, he has to take this test so that he can move on and continue his education to grad school. He wanted to be able to focus this weekend on studying, so no kitten.
The kitten is adorable. There were 2 we were thinking about. One was a male that is 2 months old, and I believe he had already been fixed, and his name is Batman, and then when we got there they had a new kitten. This new kitten is a female, 6 weeks old, and sooo tiny! I went w/ the 6w/o female. I wanted a girl more than a guy bc I am a bit sexist and she was just a little younger than Batman, and she was smaller. She was super playful and alert when I was holding her. Her foster mom and I have a mutual friend, and I just found that out this morning.
We are so prepared. I have food, litter, litter box, toys, perch under the window, and scratchers, oh and lots of catnip. A bunch of catnip came w/ almost every toy and scratcher. We also got her a cuddle bag this morning, it's like a fleece bag that they can curl up in. The kitten is a short hair, and it's important that she stay warm. I read Kittens for Dummies, and learned A LOT about kittens. The name her foster gaver her was Fiona, and I was thinking about changing it to Fifi, but Chris doesn't like that, but we have thought of the name Lulu. We won't finalize it til later this week. We wanna see her personality.
I told Sugar about it, is that odd? I kinda wish she were here to see the kitten, but I know she would hate her. Sugar hated all animals lol. She was never friendly to other animals, just other humans. I know Sugar is in an amazing place, and I feel like I get to join her in my dreams. I love playing w/ her after I fall asleep. She's young again, and she's w/ her mommy and brother and Pepper. I wake up after those dreams feeling pretty good about everything. I miss her, but I still know I will see her in my sleep and after I die :) I will update this again after our kitten comes home, and I'll probably post a link to a catster account. I won't make that until we've solidified her name :)


One Week

September 28th 2012 9:39 am
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It's been a week, and it feels like so much more time has gone by. I miss her so much, and I hate going to bed on my own w/out my booger. I had one day this week w/ no tears at all, and that was Tuesday. I got a card from our vet Wednesday, and it had Sugar's paw print on it and it made me cry. Certain things will just make me tear up, and it's not serious crying anymore, just tearing up.
The good news. I have convinced Linda that I am ready for a kitten. Hopefully sometime this weekend or next weekend I will have a new friend. On the condition that I give Jack, Chris's dog, a bath. Chris also has 4 tests this week, including his GRE, so Linda wants Chris to get through the week as well before we get the kitten. I really want the kitten tomorrow, but oh well.
We will be adopting one from Madison Animal Rescue Foundation. I am so happy about this, and if we are certain about the one we love, we can go ahead and pay for him and then pick him up next week.
I am not replacing Sugar, bc I know that's absolutely impossible, but I miss giving my love to an animal. I miss having a companion. I've always wanted a cat. My mom was too allergic for me to own one, and I used to be allergic, but I've become desensitized after living w/ them for 2yrs, and even before that their allergies were wearing off. Kinda excited about that.
I miss Sugar, and I know I say that a lot, and I will probably be saying that for the rest of my life. She was my first dog, and she has a very special place in my heart.


Life Now

September 24th 2012 11:46 am
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It feels like so much more time has gone by. It feels like Friday was weeks ago, and not just a few days ago. It's been rough, but I'm getting through it moment by moment. I have found just living in the present time is what has helped, as well as looking at stuff that I wanna get for a future kitten.
I still cry every night, and it may be like this for awhile. I've come to accept that it's just part of the grieving and mourning process. I open my blinds before I get into bed, so that I can wake up and look out my window at where I buried my baby. I'm not 100% sure that it's healthy or w/e, but it brings me comfort knowing that I can still see her when I wake up. I swear I still hear her scratching at the back door to come in, or her walking around but it's just Jack. Last night Chris's mom went to bed, and I thought to myself "I guess Sugar is in there..." and then I started crying. How long is it gonna take before it sinks in all the way that she isn't coming back.
Chris's family also came over yesterday for lunch, and they don't have facebook or anything, so they didn't know about Sugar. Linda, Chris's mom, didn't inform them, and I hadn't asked her to; I thought she would just have told her sister and spread the news on, but she didn't. Chris's uncle asked where she was, and I wasn't ready for that. I started tearing up and told him that she was dead, and I could tell that everyone felt so bad about it. I went outside to help Chris bring chairs in and cry.
Saturday Chris and I went to a craft show, and there was a man doing jewelry engraving, and I asked if he could engrave a necklace I got. It's a paw print necklace I ordered from the animal rescue site, and he engraved it. At first he said it was gonna be $5, but he decided to do it for me for free. I almost teared up. I love it when people are so sweet.
I haven't really wanted to talk to people. I'm starting to come out a little but...meh. I just feel like talking to people that have been in my immediate circle.
I think I may be ready for a kitten soon though. I know that it seems soon, and not everyone here will be in agreement, and that's w/e. I want that connection w/ an animal again. I want to pour love and affection out to a sweet little kitten. We're looking at adopting a got from the humane society or the rescue foundation around here. We saw one Saturday named Batman, and I would prefer a female kitten, but he was sooo sweet. We may get one this weekend, or we may hafta wait for next weekend. It all depends on what Chris and I talk about and what Linda says as well. I've just spent so much time on petsmart and petco looking at what I would get a kitten. I've read Kittens for Dummies, and have done so much research on litter and food.
I'm making progress though. I can tell it's going to be a rough road, but I have the best support team. My family, friends, and fiance are the best people out there. My fiance comes into my room every night bc he knows I'm gonna cry and he just holds me. I haven't had anymore breakdowns of just screaming and crying, but just sobbing. Thank you to all the strangers here who have supported me, prayed for me, and just thought about me. Animal lovers are the best people out there, and so are dog lovers. I saw this thing that said "Whoever said diamonds are a girls best friend never owned a dog," and I thought to myself, "How true is that!?" I miss my girl, but I know she is w/ her whole family again, and I will hold her again. I held her last night in my dreams and just rocked her back and forth and told her how much I loved and missed her. I can still see her there, and then I will see her in heaven as well, and I won't hafta wake up and be parted from her.



September 22nd 2012 10:23 am
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Sugar is gone.
We had a wonderful night. We stayed up all night and watched movies, and then she had a scrambled egg w/ some chocolate syrup drizzled over in her bowl in bed. I wrote our vet a letter of thanks, bc she has always been there for my family and all of our other dogs. She truly is an amazing person and wonderful vet.
Sugar was a champ yesterday. She was shaking when we got there, but when the vet came in and the shaved her front paw she began to calm down a bit bc I was just holding her so tight. The vet accidentally blew out the vein on her front paw, and she said that happens w/ old lady veins. Sugar didn't even cry. She was uncomfortable and squirmed but never yelped. Then the vet went for the back paw and as soon as all the medication was in I felt my dog leave. As the vet said "Her heart has stopped" I crumbled to the floor. I felt my world around me just fall apart. I was screaming. I tried to pick Sugar up and bring her to my face, but she was limp, so then I screamed for the vet to just take her away. Once they left I fell to the floor in a fetal position and just cried and screamed. My fiance was doing his best to calm me down. He was crying as well. I had myself collected, and then another tech came back w/ Sugar. I could've sworn that they had boxes for the dogs, but they didn't. They wrapped Sugar in my blankie and then handed her to me. I had to walk out of the vet w/ my dead lifeless dog. That was the worst part of the whole day. Chris and I got home and I just held her and cried in my car (Chris drove my car bc that's what she was familiar w/). I laid her next to the grave and went in my room to get a shoe box for her. We taped it and then put her down in the grave and buried her.
We went into my room and I sat on my bed, and Chris started comforting me again. Then my hand brushed a stuffed animal that felt like Sugar and I broke down, and as I tried to collect myself I sat up and I started looking around my room for her. On my bed, or walking/prancing in my room w/ a smile and her tail wagging, and I continued to break down. Then Chris had to go to work. I broke down again after he left. It was so quiet. I couldn't stand it. I got outta the house. The book Just One More Day they talked about treating yourself to something. I went out and gotta manicure and a new pair of earrings. I stopped by Kroger and got Sugar some white roses to put on her little grave. I went to my Nana's and parents house, and hung out w/ my mom. My mom and nana know how much I would like a kitten, and I don't know if I'm ready. I would love another animal bc I want that bond again w/ an animal. I do not and I know I cannot ever replace my dog. Sugar will be my only Maltese. I don't want another Maltese. My nana still took me to petco to and look, but they had stuff going on
Chris got home and we went out to Petco. We started doing the math of how much it would cost to get a cat and everything that it comes w/. They also had chinchillas, and they are adorable. Then we went out to Red Robin's for dinner and I had myself a drink. We came home and watched the Lorax. I don't like being home. I don't like how quiet it is. I miss Sugar sitting on the couch near me. I miss her so much. Then bed time came, and I broke down one more time.
I finally fell asleep, and I was still teary when I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and teared up again, bc when I looked down I didn't see Sugar there down by my feet still fast asleep. I went to my window and looked out it and the grave is still there. Yesterday happened. I miss Sugar, but I do not have guilt. I only miss her. I miss her so damn much, When she left that was the most emotional pain I have ever felt.
Chris and I are gonna look at kittens, but we aren't going to get one for awhile. I keep saying I want one, but when I break down I hear myself screaming that I just want Sugar, so I'm not ready. I just don't wanna be alone at night. I've had Sugar w/ me for over half my life and it's weird not having her there. That bond is gone and I feel empty. I feel like I've been abandoned in a dark room w/ no help.
I know life will move on and time will heal. Time went by fast yesterday, so I'm thankful for that. I hope that time will heal fast. I'm doing my best to stay busy and keep busy so I don't think about her too much, but the truth is she is always on my mind, and always will remain in my heart


Final Day

September 20th 2012 2:08 pm
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Today started off relatively early. I woke up at 9, and my fiance went out front and we got started on Sugar's grave. Digging near a tree is not fun, but oh well. Only the best place for my dog. Then Sugar and I got in the car and went to Krispy Kream all the way across town. Sugar ate two doughnut hole :D We also went to go see my mom for a bit since she wanted some doughnuts as well. I went back home to get her leash then headed out to Bridge Street (outdoor mall). Sugar hasn't really been leash trained. Earlier this year I was just trying to get her used to one. I never leash trained her as a puppy. She walked on that leash like she had been doing it her whole life. She didn't lead me or anything. She stayed behind me and was very happy. She loves being around people. She had a little boy come and pet her, and so many people said that she was just the cutest thing.
While we were at Bridge Street I dropped my camera, and now there is a chance it's broken. I was able to get all the videos and pictures off of it though that I've been taking. After we met w/ Chris at Bridge Street I headed home to charge my Flip Vid, and then that didn't want to charge, so thank God my sister in law was awesome and let me borrow her cam-corder.
Sugar gotta bath, and no she isn't the biggest fan, but I love how white and fluffy she is after a bath. I also trimmed some hair around her face and paws, and then we gotta blow dry! After that and minutes of spazzing out and running I was able to make impressions of her paw prints w/ a plaster kit I got from Petco for about $10.
When I went to get the cam-corder from my sister in law I let her and my older brother, Phillip, say goodbye. When my older brother and I were still living w/ my parents Sugar loved him very much, and we joke that she loved him more. I could tell it hurt my brother to say goodbye to her, and it hurt me too. Later tonight we're going to go by my parents and nana's house one more time so everyone can say their final goodbyes. It's going to be hard, but it just comes w/ the decision.
Sugar has been so happy today. I am happy that I was able to provide this for her. I'm still not sure if I'm going to sleep or not tonight, but w/e I do I'm spending next 16hrs w/ her. She will not be leaving my sight


Coming to Terms

September 19th 2012 6:39 am
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It feels like the more I talk about what's happening w/ Sugar the more I come to terms w/ my decision. I didn't cry as much yesterday, so that's a plus. There is a difference in coming to terms w/ my choice and then going through w/ it. It's 8:30am right now, and to think in 48hrs my dog will be crossing the rainbow bridge. It's surreal. I have today to watch my niece and nephew, and then tomorrow it's just gonna be me and Sugar. I have a few things planned.

I wanna go and get some doughnut holes and let her eat one of those. There is an outdoor mall where I live where a lot of people bring their dogs, and I've never taken Sugar, so I'm going to treat her to that. She may not want to be walked on her leash the whole time, and I don't mind carrying her. We'll probably veg out on couch and just watch TV for awhile as well. I'm thinking I'm not gonna be doing much sleeping tomorrow night, so I'm gonna just stay and watch TV w/ her on the couch. I'm not sure yet. I may convince my fiance to help me get the Apple TV setup in my room so we can be together in my room and not in the living room. I don't know how I'm going to handle her not being there next to me anymore when I wake up.

I keep saying that I'm scared to Chris (who is my fiance). I don't know why though. I guess I'm scared of what's going to happen w/out Sugar around. She's been w/ me for over half my life, so I don't know what life w/out this sweet dog is going to be like.

I got a doggy name tag engraved w/ her name on it and her birth year and this year on it. I also got a plaster kit so I can make my own memorial. I ordered a necklace from theanimalrescuesite and after it gets her I'm gonna get "Sugar" engraved on it as well. I don't wanna spend too much on a memorial stone or anything like that since after Chris and I get married in May, we plan on moving.

This is still super difficult and hard, and I'm going to try to post what adventure Sugar and I do tomorrow. Thanks for the support


Saying Goodbye

September 18th 2012 6:34 am
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I am coming to the hardest point in my life, and I knew this day would have to come eventually. I am putting my dog down to sleep this Friday morning. I have had my dog for 14yrs. I have had her from the very beginning. I always wanted her. She was everything I could've hoped for. My Nana had her maltese, Prissy, and she became pregnant w/ a litter of pups. She had 4 pups, and one didn't make it. One pup had to go to the breeder and we got Sugar and Taz. Taz passed away almost 4yrs ago due to nasal cancer. When Sugar was a puppy we went over to see them almost every day. I was holding Sugar when she first opened her eyes, so I was the very first person she ever saw. I broke my arms not too long after they were born, so when they finally were able to come home I wasn't able to hold them.

Sugar has always been there for me. She has been there for me through every heart break and every triumph. She has been the easiest dog to take care of too. She was never interested in toys or bones. She was only interested in taking bones if her brother had them. She is very laid back and just likes to sleep on the couch next time.

Lately, it seems like her age has been showing more. Earlier this year it seemed like she was losing weight, and I thought that was bc she was too busy sleeping to wake up and go eat food, so Jack would eat her share. I got her some wet food, and she gained the weight back. Now, it seems like she has lost all the weight I got her to put on, and now she feels so thin. I can feel every last bone in her body. Her allergies have also gotten worse. The past couple of times Chris and I have left her in the kitchen we come home to see blood all along the gate. She chews her paws til they bleed bc they are so inflamed and itch. Her allergies have never been this bad. She also drinks A LOT of water after we get home and let her out of the kitchen, and that concerns me, and if we don't let her out a few minutes after she drinks all that water she goes somewhere. She's been peeing in the house and having accidents more often. Sugar was paper trained as a puppy, but after awhile we just trained her to go outside. Every now and then she would have an accident, but they seem to be more frequent. She has also had a bad case of diarrhea that she just recently got over. She used to never had separation anxiety, but lately she has. She starts to whine if I leave a room, and I think that anxiety is part of what makes her chew her paws as well. Her allergies are the only thing that's making her suffer, and those can be treated w/ meds, but here is my reasoning
I do not know the future. Sugar could start deteriorating at any point w/ worse symptoms than what she has right now. I refuse to see her suffer and go through any kind of pain. I want Sugar to go as the dog that I love so dearly. I don't hafta do this but I should. I saw her brother Taz and our family dog Pepper suffer. My mom and dad didn't know how to let go and they were in denial. My dad reasoned that Pepper was still eating, but she was incontinent and no longer able to make it up the steps before that happened. She was in agony every time she had to get up. Taz had to start sneezing blood before we put him down. My parents put him through chemo and radiation treatments and extended his life rather well. The vet I see was Taz and Pepper's vet, and she agrees w/ me that they suffered, so she knows that I am not going to put my dog through that.

I was offered a urine test for Sugar for a few reasons. Her weight loss, frequent urination, and fatigue can be symptoms of kidney failure. Some of these symptoms are also associated w/ diabetes, but the doctor said that maybe it's not that bc usually they eat more along w/ drink more. It can also be a UTI (urinary tract infection), but I doubt it's that, bc it's been a few months these symptoms have shown. It could also be nothing, but if she took that urine test and it showed kidney failure it makes my decision that much easier. If it's nothing, then it's harder, but Sugar is old. She has lived a good life full of love. She still has decent quality of life, but I don't wanna see her fall or suffer or anything. I love her too much to see any of that happen.

My older brother and his wife are going to be awesome and let me have Thursday off so that I can spend the whole entire day w/ her, and I don't know what, but I plan on doing something special w/ her. I've been giving her little parts of my dinner here and there these past couple of nights, and she really seems to enjoy it. I'm going to give her some chocolate too before she goes.

It's been really hard to talk about this. It's hard to talk about death, and I've been on the constant verge of tears, bc I feel like this is going to be impossible to do. It was so hard to talk to Chris about scheduling her appointment for Friday, and having to talk about where I'm going to bury her. I feel like I am ripping my own heart out. Sugar has been such a huge part of my life, and she'll be gone at the end of this week.

The hardest thing is going to be going to bed. Sugar has shared a bed w/ me ever since she was decently potty trained. When I was younger I hated that I had to sleep on my own since Josh and my older brother, Phillip, got to share a room, and sometimes Pepper would go in and sleep w/ Josh. One night my mom just let me take Sugar and Taz up to my room to go to bed. I was so happy. Ever since then I have never been alone. Sugar has had bouts where she sleeps in Linda's room, but she prefers my room now. I have never been a fan of being alone. I don't know why. I would like to get a kitten eventually, but Chris and Linda won't let me have another animal until Chris and I move out, and I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I can fully agree to that. I moved in w/ Chris and Linda w/ a fish, 2 sugar gliders, and Sugar, and now they're all gone. Bella is w/ a new owner, Chi has passed away due to lung cancer, and my fish died after I gave him to Daphne. Now I'm about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I love you so much Sugar, but I won't be selfish and keep you alive for me anymore...

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