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Messages From This Side of the Bridge

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Thank you Dogster Headquarters

February 13th 2014 7:10 pm
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My mom just spent the day 2 days ago mourning me on my Bridge Day. She was also mourning because she would be losing my page and my friends due to the foreboding shut down of Dogster. Dogster has been a huge source of support for my mom. The news was unbearable. But now, headquarters has announced that they will work to keep our community going. This may be a business conundrum for you, but for me, it is a gift. I want to thank you, Headquarters, for listening to the broken hearts of the community you built. Thank you for giving us a home. Thank you for allowing us to have memorials for the souls who shared our lives and then were suddenly gone. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to keep our friendships. Thank you sincerely, Headquarters.


Rainbow Bridge Day remembered

February 11th 2014 6:55 pm
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This may very well be my last diary entry. With the end of Dogster, it has become just unbearable to come here and feel happy. Today is my Rainbow Bridge Anniersary. One year ago, my mom put a leash on me, drove me to the clinic, tried to talk herself out of what she was about to do, and hugged me dearly as the doctor gave me the shot. She cried. And a piece of her died with me that day. Mom has been heartbroken all day. It has been incredibly difficult. And this will be the last time my friends can come together for support. It is a whole new reason to mourn all over again. I have amazing friends here, and my heart is so heavy. Thank you to everyone who remembered me today. I love you with all my heart.



My first birthday at the Bridge

January 12th 2014 9:41 am
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Yesterday was my birthday. It was the first one at the Bridge, and mom was not with me. She remembered how happy she was last year that I made it to my 8th birthday because I was so sick. She bought me a lined red coat because I had lost alot of muscle mass and I was always cold and shivering, and a red squeaky ball. I loved the sound of squeaky toys. I just sat there biting down so I could here it. Well, this year mom had to run human errands, like grocery shopping. She had to go to Petco to buy Mortimer his food, and she was so sad that she wasn't getting anything for me. She really had to hurry out, I was sad that she was so sad. When she got home, she saw all the wondeful gifts that her doggie and kitty friends had left on my page. She had pawmails and special pictures for me, and it was a day for feasting and sharing hot cocoa with friends on dogster, so I got lots of hot cocoa to enjoy, too. Mom was so happy to see the love and caring from my wonderful friends. I just want to thank all the parents who took the time out of their day to give and help my mom through this difficult day. I love you all.



December 25th 2013 10:30 pm
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Merry Christmas, my friend. It's the first one without you, which means it's been a difficult one. I've spent so much time selfishly bogged down in my own feelings of loss, regret, and guilt. Why didn't I try harder - a common self indulgent delusion that I wear daily like a pair of shoes. I stay in my fortress of hidden despair, thinking only of my own sadness, and losing sight of your illness and your world. I've finally awakened to your needs, little memories of the subtle signals telling me you were ready to go. Things I missed because I wanted to save you. Again, what I wanted. I'm sorry I didn't see past my own fears to hear what you needed most from me, just being present with you. You are still teaching me from the Other Side. I still love and miss you, and I will try to remain open and present.


"We must take care not to project our thoughts of how healing should happen or what constitutes healing for another being...On deeper levels, a cure is not necessarily a healing. Sometimes, healing looks much different from what we imagine."
~Dawn Brunke
Animal Voices, Animal Guides



December 1st 2013 10:32 pm
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We put up our Christmas tree this weekend. I've gotten to the point where I can feel the sadness of missing you, but push it down so I can function normally. It sounds horrible and cold, but it is how I am able to cope with my day. I miss you everyday. But, looking at the Christmas tree made me remember how sick you were last winter. In and out of the veterinary hospital. The unbearable emotional rollercoaster of your uncertain fate. It hit me, right in the chest, blindsided by the memories that I push down to function. It hurt. I felt the incompleteness of your loss, the hole that will never be filled again. The pain in the back of my throat because I don't want to cry. The stinging behind my eyes because the tears want to pour out. All because of the sight of a Christmas tree. A sight that has so many feelings connected to it. Like the sound of a song that takes you back to childhood as if time never existed. Painful memories that I thought I had dealt with. Pain that made me question my very motive of rescuing animals in the first place. I've been doing it for years, but am I strong enough anymore. You were the ray of sunshine that broke into my closely guarded heart. I don't know how you did it, but I feel broken, my heart is broken. I am missing you completely. I miss you, my friend.


Six months

July 11th 2013 9:08 pm
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Today, it has been 6 months. This day, half a year ago was the last time I laid eyes on your handsome face or touched your gentle body. Six months since I've heard your voice talking to me. Six months since I've seen your joy when I came home. Six months since I felt your devotion to me. I still miss you, Zane. How do I express this hole in my heart? I feel so fortunate that I got to spend 2 years with you, but so sad it couldn't have been longer. I go outside in the summer sun, and miss seeing you run around the house, just circling for the fun of it. I miss seeing you lay on the couch with your head on the side. You were the light of my life. I still miss you.



June 3rd 2013 9:52 pm
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I've heard people say that when their deceased loved ones are close by in spirit, they smell flowers. I've never experienced this, and so never had an opinion of it one way or the other. Even when my brother passed, I never experieced scented phenomena. I was looking through photos on my phone, and came across my Zane. And my heart hurt a little. I watched tv with the kids for a while and went to bed. 5 minutes after I had turned out the light, I smelled flowers. I'm fairly good at scent, but could not place this one. It was very strong, and smelled as if my nose was touching the petals of a flower. I jumped up and turned on the light, looking for anything that may have spilled. Nothing, and the smell was gone. I turned off the light and layed down. There it was again, so strong! It smelled sweet, like sweet pea or freesia, things I don't own. I layed there and knew it must be you, Zane. You are an angel now, and you must smell like one too. Thank you for visiting me. I miss you.


I'm still with you

May 11th 2013 9:52 am
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My mom is missing me. Today is 3 months from the day we had to say goodbye. She had a dream about me a couple of weeks ago. I was running around at home and mom was feeling confused because she knew my medical record had been inactivated at work. Suddenly, she felt compelled to get to work and activate my record. But she couldn't figure out how I survived because she remembered holding me when I got the shot. She felt an urgency to tell the doctors that I was alive, but at the same time was completely confused. Mom woke up still a bit confused, which is a testiment to how vivid this dream was. But, I was just showing her that I'm still here with her. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I really wish I was there to put my head on her lap and tell her I love and appreciate her. I will tell her, but I hope she hears it. She will be sad without me. I saw her gardening yesterday, she made a trelis for her honeysuckle and was thrilled to see flowers on the bushes she planted 2 years ago. I'm happy for my mom, that she is doing something again. She is still so sad that she lost me, but she has started doing normal things. Happy Mother's Day, I love you.



April 25th 2013 8:35 pm
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Today is my gotcha day. Thank you to my dear friends for sending me gifts today: Teddy, Annie, Droopy, Angel Whisper & Dixie, Charlie & Abbie's family, and Anya, Scarlett & Elise. I knew today would be difficult on mom. It's the celebration of the day I entered her life. And I can't be with her to celebrate it. My mom saved me. I remember that day. I had spent a few days with the doctor that would not euthanize me. The doctor, who could not find out what was wrong with me, chose not to end my life. My owner signed me over to the clinic because she did not want the financial responsibility of my health care when nothing could be diagnosed. The very question of me making it was a reality. When mom came to work the next day and saw that I had not been euthanized, she called the doctor without hesitation and left a message that she was interested in providing me a home. The doctor called back and said, "You know he could die if he can't improve his health." Mom said she understood and still wanted me. Now, when I say my mom saved me, she literally did. You could see every bone in my body. She fed me three small meals a day on a high calorie diet. I eventually gained 10 pounds, which is the most I gained in my life with mom. I was so happy, and mom let me be myself. I put my head on her lap and she would love on me. I loved her and she loved me. She gave me a second chance at life, and I gave her every ounce of love I had. It is hard for mom not to be sad because she loved me so much.


Things happen for a reason

March 27th 2013 9:25 pm
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Dear Zane,
I got your message loud and clear today. I have been second-guessing my decision and feeling terribly guilty after losing you. And your disease is uncommon and difficult to diagnose. But, today at work, one of the doctors had a medical book in my work area, and left it open to attend to other matters. Usually, I keep the books open or mark the page so they can come back to it. I walked over to the book and it read "treating glomerulunephritis". My heart sank. I read it. It talked of different options, all of them with unsuccessful or undetermined outcomes. The disease is rapidly progressive. I felt a kind of weight lift off my shoulders. It was as if you were saying, "See Mom, there is nothing you could've done. Stop feeling responsible and guilty." I believe things happen for a reason, things are placed in our path to show us things. And, I believe that today you showed me something, Zane. I am still enormously filled with grief at losing you, but I see that nothing would've changed the outcome. I did what was best for you, my friend. I didn't want you to suffer. Thank you for sending me that message. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life with me. I miss you, my dear sweet beloved Zane.

Love with all my heart,

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