I'm still with you

My mom is missing me. Today is 3 months from the day we had to say goodbye. She had a dream about me a couple of weeks ago. I was running around at home and mom was feeling confused because she knew my medical record had been inactivated at work. Suddenly, she felt compelled to get to work and activate my record. But she couldn't figure out how I survived because she remembered holding me when I got the shot. She felt an urgency to tell the doctors that I was alive, but at the same time was completely confused. Mom woke up still a bit confused, which is a testiment to how vivid this dream was. But, I was just showing her that I'm still here with her. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I really wish I was there to put my head on her lap and tell her I love and appreciate her. I will tell her, but I hope she hears it. She will be sad without me. I saw her gardening yesterday, she made a trelis for her honeysuckle and was thrilled to see flowers on the bushes she planted 2 years ago. I'm happy for my mom, that she is doing something again. She is still so sad that she lost me, but she has started doing normal things. Happy Mother's Day, I love you.

Memories

Today is my gotcha day. Thank you to my dear friends for sending me gifts today: Teddy, Annie, Droopy, Angel Whisper & Dixie, Charlie & Abbie's family, and Anya, Scarlett & Elise. I knew today would be difficult on mom. It's the celebration of the day I entered her life. And I can't be with her to celebrate it. My mom saved me. I remember that day. I had spent a few days with the doctor that would not euthanize me. The doctor, who could not find out what was wrong with me, chose not to end my life. My owner signed me over to the clinic because she did not want the financial responsibility of my health care when nothing could be diagnosed. The very question of me making it was a reality. When mom came to work the next day and saw that I had not been euthanized, she called the doctor without hesitation and left a message that she was interested in providing me a home. The doctor called back and said, "You know he could die if he can't improve his health." Mom said she understood and still wanted me. Now, when I say my mom saved me, she literally did. You could see every bone in my body. She fed me three small meals a day on a high calorie diet. I eventually gained 10 pounds, which is the most I gained in my life with mom. I was so happy, and mom let me be myself. I put my head on her lap and she would love on me. I loved her and she loved me. She gave me a second chance at life, and I gave her every ounce of love I had. It is hard for mom not to be sad because she loved me so much.

Things happen for a reason

Dear Zane,
I got your message loud and clear today. I have been second-guessing my decision and feeling terribly guilty after losing you. And your disease is uncommon and difficult to diagnose. But, today at work, one of the doctors had a medical book in my work area, and left it open to attend to other matters. Usually, I keep the books open or mark the page so they can come back to it. I walked over to the book and it read "treating glomerulunephritis". My heart sank. I read it. It talked of different options, all of them with unsuccessful or undetermined outcomes. The disease is rapidly progressive. I felt a kind of weight lift off my shoulders. It was as if you were saying, "See Mom, there is nothing you could've done. Stop feeling responsible and guilty." I believe things happen for a reason, things are placed in our path to show us things. And, I believe that today you showed me something, Zane. I am still enormously filled with grief at losing you, but I see that nothing would've changed the outcome. I did what was best for you, my friend. I didn't want you to suffer. Thank you for sending me that message. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life with me. I miss you, my dear sweet beloved Zane.

Love with all my heart,
Mom

Stages of grief

They say that there are stages of grief, one of them being guilt. Mom has started kicking this emotion around. Did I do it too early, she thinks to herself. She keeps repeating the last moments I was alive over and over in her head. She is torturing herself. She does not sleep well anymore, and she gets frequent headaches. She cried alot today, which is unlike her. She tries to keep it hidden. And now, again, she can't sleep. She knows deep in her heart I was ready to go, but that guilt is a terrible thing. It creeps in and takes hold of everything before she can reason her way out of it. She even bought Bridgit new toys yesterday and felt a twinge of guilt after giving them to her. She went to her room to be alone. Everyday seems to get harder and harder. She misses how I put my long nose up to hers when I wanted her attention. I hope this stage passes soon because I want her to feel better.

Contact

Ok, mom, I have been telling you that I am right here next to you. I don't think you have believed it...until this morning. This cold morning, at around 4 a.m. when everyone was asleep. The house was completely still and quiet. You woke up to feel the bed shaking, like you did so many nights I kicked the blankets off and I was shivering. Yes, you awoke to my shivering this morning, from a solid sleep. You looked up and saw the cat sleeping on your chest and the little dog sleeping in your arm. No movement anywhere. You couldn't believe it was me, but you knew it was. We just made contact.

I see you

I see you with your human kids, mom. I see you laughing together. I see you being strong for them. And then, when you are in your room, in the dark, I see you. I see you with your headphones on listening to Jim Brickman play his piano. I see the memories flood back, and I see the pain. I see you crying tonight, after being so strong for your family. I see you missing me, mom. I see your tears. I see everything. I see how tired you feel. I see the mourning that you conceal from the world. I see how much you still love me. It is okay to cry, mom. I remember how you poured your energy into making me better. I know how empty you feel now that I'm gone. I see you crying, mom, and I love you.

One month

It's a Monday. It's also when mom lost an hour of sleep because of daylight savings time. It wasn't a pretty morning. Mom was tired, even a bit grouchy. She went to work, staggered through her morning, and when she went to write the date down, she got that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. It is the 11th. She remembered that morning, exactly one month ago. The morning she had to say goodbye. The morning she gave me her last kiss and hug. The morning she cried. The morning she let me go and set my spirit free. The morning the quiet loneliness set in for her. It was like a stab to the heart, the realization of that moment in time when everything changed. One month ago, I was with her and then I was gone. I woke up next to her that morning, and watched her get ready for work. She had to force the words, "I brought Zane," when the doctor asked her if everything was ok. One month ago, today. I want to tell her I'm still here just in a different way. I want her to know that I still come and sleep next to her at night. She is just too sad.

In the still of the night

My mom cleaned her bedroom today. She picked up my collar and my coat that I wore. She touched and read my tags, still dangling from my collar and felt that ache in the pit of her stomach. She put my collar on the top of my urn. I wish I could help her to not feel so sad. Tonight is a bad night. The kind of night that mom can't sleep, and she lays in the stillness and misses me. She misses me curled up next to her, and checking on me to make sure I hadn't kicked my blanket off. Sometimes she would wake up to my shivering and cover me again. I had little muscle mass, no body fat, and very short hair. The odds were stacked against me, but mom always made sure I was taken care of. My mom felt so much joy taking care of me, and now, just alot of sleepless nights. Get some sleep mom, I promise I'm right here with you.

Sending messages

I have been busy trying to use my extraordinary new energy into trying to send Mom messages. I'm very glad she's open to these kind of things because I've gotten a few through. She misses me so much, and I miss her too, but I'm with her all the time, just in a new way. I watch her from the Bridge, just like I did at home, and she didn't even realize until I started "talking" to her. She would look at me and I would innocently put my elf ears down and wag my nubby tail. She would look away and I would start "talking" at her again. She would look at me again and smile...I would wait for a response. This could go on, Mom thought it was funny hearing me talk. Finally, I would get myself up and put my long nose up to her face. She would always smile and kiss me. I miss that. But, I sent her a wonderful message, and she received it! I sent her a mental image of me running and playing in a long stretch of honeysuckle. "Why did I get this image?" she asked. She didn't understand any connection to me and honeysuckle. I simply replied, "This is what it smells like at Rainbow Bridge." I made my Mom smile for the first time since my passing.

Little gifts

I couldn't sleep last night. I was thinking of you. I am missing you. The house is so quiet without your talking. As I laid in bed, I got the mental image that you were standing beside the bed. "I'm right here, mom," you said. Then, an owl started hooting. I know we have owls out here, but never in all the years I've lived out here, have I ever heard one hoot. Never. I listened for a few minutes and it stopped...silence. Did you send me a hooting owl to help break up the silence? Did you know I needed that? I love and miss you. Thank you, my sweet Zane.