What's Shakin', Bacon?

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Bacon Are Not Very Litter-rare-ee

December 8th 2010 9:00 am
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Dear Diary,

Typist & I are at a impasse on the diary frontses.

Bacon are not a thinker. Bacon are a doer.

Bacon are a CONKERURRRRR of Worlds!

Bacon are a mover & a shaker. I cannot has the time to write the memoirs at my young ages. I am out living the life.

But Mama says, "Bacon, you will not be young furevfur...you gotta capchure these momenterous occasions now, so you can revels in them in your Golden Pondy years."

During the time it take Mama to shout this long, windy speech at me from the back door, Bacon made 654 Zoomies around the yard, came inside, ran upstairs, ate the stuffing from 3 toys, and made a sammich.

Anyfur, Bacon have been busy doing IMPORTANT BACON BUSINESS. I go to skool. I play! I see Santa! I help Mama to get new shoes by sistermattickly destroying all of her current shoeses.

I has also devised a GENIEUSSS plan to get my most favoritest treats...the jumbo bully stick!!! For some reason Mama feel it are necessary to have QUIET times. Are that NOT the most reedickulous thing you evfur heard? Poor old lady with the big giant head. Anyfur...what I has found is that if I roooteenly sit and stare at Mama and bark, dig my nails into her legs, or launch onto her lap unexpectedly from the couch to her office chair, she will get sooooooo FLUSTERATED that she will go get me a JUMBO BULLY STICK.

With a Bully Stick, Bacon can be preockypied for quiet times for 10-15 minute intervals!!! Bacon are happy and Mama are happy!

WoooooHooooooo!

Oh, I furgot! I got a pawdicure. Evfurryone expect Bacon to BE SOME WILD BEAST or something, and they tried to put a Hannybull Leckter facey mask on me. But I just stood there like the sweet and mild-mannered young boy that I am. Mama says I am full of surprizes.

Anyfur...I will try to be more "intemelleckchooall" and "litter-rare-ee" like my big brofur Ernie. He was VERY SMART, Mama said. He were like the Scottish Ernie Hemmingways...The Old Dog and the Tree were original title of famous book about Ernie and humongous squirrel, but Ernie would not sell rights to story, so they change to fishie tale. That are a little knowed fact.

Have a good day, evfurrydoggie.

Wuff,

The Bacon

 

Bacon's Letter to Santy Paws

December 1st 2010 9:12 am
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Dearest & Most Jolliest HoHo,

Bacon have hearded so much about you.

The othfur day, I asked Mama, "Who's got a beard that's long and white?"

And Mama say, "Santa's got a beard that's long and white!"

And then Bacon say, "Who comes around on a special night?"

And Mama said, "Santa comes around on a special night!"

This went on for quite awhile...

Who wears boots and a suit of red?
Santa wears boots and a suit of red.

Who wears a long cap on his head?
Santa wears a long cap on his head.

Who's got a big red cherry nose?
Santa's got a big red cherry nose.

Who laughs this way:
HO HO HO?
Santa laughs this way:
HO HO HO!

But eventually my sisfur Izzy B. got grumpy (but pawlease don't put her on the naughty list, HOHO, she are old, she cannot help it) and she yelled...

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!
HO HO HO, cherry nose,
Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,

Must be Santa, must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa PAWS!!!!!!


OMD! Anyfur, Bacon knowed all about you, Santa Paws.

I have been a very good boy this year, except for a few minor little thingses, like the dead birdie in my mouf, the woodworks I chewed up, using Mama's sockses and UGGie bootses for toys, not listening to Mama & Papa when I wanna run and play, biting Mama in the schnozzola, tinkling on the chaise lounger, making doodies upstairs two timeses, playing confetti funtimes with the nice blankie on the bed, and well a few othfur thingses that are really two triviamabull to menshun.

In honor of all my good workses, Santy Paws, I has a very speshull request for you this year. Okay?

I would like you to take all the prezzies you was gonna bring to me, The Bacon Boogie Bear McBits, and I would like you to bring them to the Nebraskahs, to the Hearts United for Animals.

Izzy says she would like you to bring herses there too.

Mama says we are going to pack up a big box of SQUEAKIES and Chewies (cause that were a speshull request) for all the little Bacons who are still waiting for them's furevfur homes.

There are so many little guys like me, who just want to have a Mama and Papa to make snuggles with. They want a window of them's very own to look out of. They just want a fambly to wuff and give all their kisses, too.

I knowed lots of them pawesome puppers at Hearts United for the Animals, and they deserves to have the best HOWLIDAYS evfur. So Santy Paws, pawlease make sure to take good care of them.

And if any othfur boys and girlses want to make donayshuns to HUA, of toys, or foodses or monies, here are a linker, okay Santy? Mama been there and seeneded the place with her own two big eyes.

Merry Christmas, HOHO! Bacon wuffs you.

Hearts United for Animals - Where Bacon Liveded Once

 

No Skool for Bacon - I has an Infeckshun

November 23rd 2010 11:34 am
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Dear Diary,

NO SKOOL FOR THE BOOGIE BEAR! (that are Mama's new nickyname for me.)

Bacon's eye are infeckted with great green gobs of greasy grimey gopher gutses!!! Yep. It are. Like SLIMES!

Yesfurday, Bacon go to see the Dr. Jackie Peepercorns! I like her better than othfur guy. Papa said I were still a wild man and outta control, but least Dr. Jackie were not so rude as to say I need OBEEDEE-ENECE training. I has training. I just chooses not to use it when you is poking me in the heinie and torchurring my eyeses and earses and bellies and stuffs.

Dr. Jackie give Baby Bacon more anteebeeotticks, and oinkerments for my eyes and earses. Mama says I are her MILLYUN DOLLARS BABY!!!

But that are okay, cause I are worth my weight in the gold!

Mama let me sleep with her and when my eye hurted, her holded a wet washy rag on my little pink puffy eye, and I suck on it like a little baby dog, and she makes oohs and ahhhs about how cute I are. Bacon likey!

Me & Mama are best furriends. We does evfurrything togethfur. I think the Finknottle were making teasing, but Bacon really DOES wanna sit on Mama's lap when she are on the throne!!! Doesn't evfurryfur? Bacon wuffs his Mama!

My Daddy are okay too! He gives me the YO!Gert! Yo!Gert! are good for your belly. I am going to be all better real soon. Then I can go back to the skool again. YAY!

 

Dogs Against Maternal Newrohsis (D.A.M.N.)Emergency- Meeting!!!

November 17th 2010 2:16 pm
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Dear Diary,

Last night at Skool, there were 3 classes all togethfur for Puppy Play Time! Like Elebenty Million Dogs. And Papa came to skool, too. On account of I don't listen to him, and Mama says he has to help me get smart, too!

OMD! I played and played. I met a Golden Doodle puppy named Henry. BOL! Golden doodle are a funny name for a doggie! He are ZACT same size as Bacon. Not too big. Not too small. Henry are just right for playing polar bear faces and dancing on our back paws! We was whoopdeedoing it up!

Unfurchoonately, there were a little incident when I gotted home. I were REALLY excited to see Izzy in the back yard. I thought maybe she wanted to learn some of the cool new wrasslin moves I learned during Puppy Play Time. (SHE DID NOT.)

So when I were supposed to be tinkling, I furgot. I made a doody instead. It were dark. Mama did not see me tinkle. Anyways, why do I tell you about my privacy pleases? Well, it are integgerall part of this here story about CRAZY MOMS.

Anyway...I run in the house. Mama give me chew toy. Mama cuddle with me a little bit. Mama give me squeaky toy. 15-minutes or so goed by...we come downstairs from the upstairs...Mama sits at computer. Bacon jumps up on chaise loung, 5 feet away from MAMA. I LIFT MY LEG AND MAKE BIG HUGE LAKE LIKE TINKLE ON MAMA'S NEW CHAISER LOUNGE. This were no mark. It were like Lake Soopeerior or something.

Mama scooped me up and said no, bad! And put me outside. Then when I came in, I got kenneled for the rest of the night, while Papa steamered the furnyshures.

Mama were tossing and turning and coming up with ELEVENTY BILLYUN reasons why I did this naughty naughty thing. I have never made a tinkle in the house before. Were I traumatized by class? Aren't I supposed to be becoming a more well-behaved doggie instead of a badderer one? OMD! She are just besides herself about this inconsistency on the Bacon's part! Why after almost 2 months did I tinkle on the furniture? And right in front of her? Were I traumatized by all the dogs because it reminded me of living at the shelter?

And if that weren't enough to worry her, she signed up for another 8 weeks of class...that's a commitment of 16 weeks! Mama hates commitments!

AND!!! She signed me up for a private hour of training on Sunday with Miss Kim to work on my ear ISSOOS with a professional.

What do you guys think? Is Mama right to be newrottick about me? Do all doggies behave errarttickally? Is sometimes an acksident just an acksident and a cigar just a cigar?

 

Snowbunny Bacon Has Best Weekend Evfur!

November 15th 2010 11:10 am
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Dear Diary!

OMD! Bacon are DEEEELEERYUSSSS with the happeenesses!

Sattermaday morning HOHO musta come to Mound, Minnesnowdah early! He knowed what a good boy I were at skool, and he decided to give Bacon bestest present EVFUR!

SNOW!

OMD! OMD! OMD!

Bacon wuff snow! WUFF with a CAPPYTALL WUFF! Snow are my favorite.

I wuff it so much that I block out evfurrything and evfurryone in the whole wide world and oonaverses. Including Mama & Papa.

I just run and pounce and bounce and tunnel and roll and dive and cavorts and frolicks and EAT IT ALL UP!!!!

SNOW IS THE BEST THING THAT EVFUR HAPPENED TO THE BACON SINCE I GOT MY FUREVFUR MAMA & PAPA & IZZY! Maybe evfun betterer!!!

Papa says he hopes I like it, because if I don't start listening again, I am going to live outside in it!!! BOL! That fine with Bacon! But not Mama. She march outside in HER UGG boots and UNDERPANTSES to get Bacon when I would not come in at midnight! OMD! Do no one wear pants in my fambly?

Mama says she don't know how a 17 pound dog with very thin hair can stand to lay in the snow, tunnel under it, and roll in it! She says, "Bacon, you are not a HUSKY you know!!!" She says, "You better start listening when we tell you play time are ovfur, or Papa are shipping you off to live with the POLAR BEARS!"

POLAR BEARS??? BACON LOVES POLAR BEARS!!! YAY!

Oh and guess what???? Pepper & Rusty's Mama come to visit Bacon! All the way from the Cheesehead town. Mama said we're not supposed to call the Wisconniesinites Cheeseheads to thems' faces. Why not? Bacon wuff CHEESE! And Pepper & Rusty's Mama. We made nice visits.

And then!!!! And then I got to go make visits to the new Great Pyrenes dog Gracie & her Akita Chow Chow brofur Max! There were a bonfire and little baby snowmobiles and tiny minipeepoles.

Bacon made lotsa zoomies in the big yard, but the way Gracie were eyeing the Bacon up during chase times and biting me in the back made Mama nerfuss. She said Gracie think Bacon are bunny rabbit. BOL! I were not scared of the GIGANTICKLE doggies, but Mama said the environmentals were a little too much, too much dangers, not enuff control. Fire, children on snowmobiles and unleashed huge dogs are too much for Mama. It were very excitering for Bacon none the lesser!

So anyfur, Bacon are pretty sure this were best weekend yet! Tomorrow I go to SKOOL! Unless I go to live with Polar Bears! Eithfur way, it are WIN-WIN for Bacon!!! Wooo hoooo! Life are bootyfull, evfurrypaw!!! Sniff it!!!

 

Straight to the Head of the Class!!!!

November 10th 2010 7:18 am
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Dear Diary!

OMD! Yesterday were a blue ribbon day for me & Mama.

Silly Mama were all worried that I, the Bacon, were going to get kicked out of the class. She evfurdentally confooses Bacon's beehayveeyor when I'm going crazy kicking my feetses and biting her arms, and hands and noses, and zooming around the house like a wild man, with how I beehayves when I am out in the PUBLICK! Sheesh. Don't undermaestimate the Bacon!

When I am out in the PUBLICK, I am keenerly focused on the peepoles. (Mama said it are a little freaky and Dogtor Jeckyllish.)

Bacon don't know what all the clicking and treatses, yada, yada, yada at skool were about. But Bacon just love the peepole! I has a laser-like focus on the peepole, and when they say GOOD BOY...and are happy with me, OMD!!!

My Teacher are Miss Kim. She use the Bacon to make Demonstrayshuns to the othfur doggies. Mama were like bursting her buttons with pride. She were inkredyooluss.

Bacon know his name. Bacon know sit. Bacon know nose to hand for come. Bacon know watch me. We got through evfurrything for furst AND second week!

And none of the othfur doggies in class liked the pubbies, so Bacon got to be the BIG BOY BROFUR to the little baby pubbies (our classes are mergering next week.)

Mama told me in the car, that evfur since Ernie were little baby man, like 12 weeks old, he had alfalfa issues that made him show othfur doggies his teeths. So she nevfur really saw him romping and playing with other dogs like I did at skool. Mama said, "BACON YOUR MAMA ARE SO PROUD OF YOU. YOU MADE YOUR WHOLE FAMBLY REALLY PROUD OF WHAT A GOOD, SMART BOY YOU ARE!" OMD. That maded me feel real good inside. I were just having fun and rolling them pubbies ovfur and tickling them's little baby bellies. Then they laff and run and play get the Bacon!

The teacher told all the Mamas that they could not squeeze pubby buns under any circusdances during the class. BOL! Thank goodness. Can you imagine my Mama rolling around on the floor squeezing pubby buns off? OMD. Bacon would've died.

Taz are Morkie guy. He is 3. He is grumpy and scared in the class. Guess what he did!!!! He made privacy please right in middle of pubby play time. Bacon were mortarfied. Mama & Miss Kim both said sighmertayneeussly, "He are just nerfuss." Mama thinks she's really smart. BOL. She gave Taz's Mama a baggie to take his speshull privacy please art projekt home. Put that on your friggiematater, lady!!! OMD!

Two baby pubbies only stayed for play time. They are like 14-15 weeks. They come back next week and we all make skool togethfur.

The two rescoo greyhounds, Rebbe & Monte, were doing a make-up class, so they won't be there evfurry week. Which are good, cause the little pubbies are bunny sized and Rebbe & Monte like to play get the bunny!

Bacon need to learn not to talk in class, Mama says. When Miss Kim were making yakkety yakkety times, Bacon got bored. I LOVED THEM BIG TALL GUYS and I say, "HI!" right in the middle of the class. Peepole laff. I were just being friendly. Three diffurent times while Miss Kim were blabbering on, Bacon interrupted. Just one bark, HI! to Rebbe & Monte. They looked scareded and Bacon want to tell them it are okay! Bacon are here. Skool are fun!

Mama says there are times to be friendly and there are times to be quiet. Whatevfur! Bacon are always furriendly.

After class, me & mama went through the drive-thrus and got us some yummy warm meat sammiches to share in the Explorer Bus.

It were the best night evfur. Let's go again!!! Let's go again!!!

 

The Wheels On The Bus Goed Round & Round...

November 9th 2010 9:39 am
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Dear Diary,

Bacon are wearing him's tie.

I has my Dora backpack on.

I gots my KRAYOHLAHS and my glue stick (BLECK! DON'T EAT THE GLUES - word to the wiseacres!)

Tonight are the night. Bacon are ready right now though. Just in case big yellow bus come early to pick me up and take me to SKOOL, I am waiting at the door.

OMD! OMD! Ernie are gonna be SOOOOO PROUD of Bacon. Mama says she hope I don't get expellered on accounts of my bad beehayveeyors.

I can't wait to tell you guyses all about it!!!

Bacon are so nerfuss. What if I furgetses my locker commabinayshun? What if I gotta potty? OMD!

I'm going to skool! Like a big boy!!! ARRROOOROOOROOO!

 

Add-oh-less-ons: Growing up are hard to does

November 4th 2010 10:40 am
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Dear Diary,

The Add-oh-less-onses and growing up are confoosing for young Bacons like myselfs.

Bacon wuff the kitty cats. I see them at the dogtor and I just wuffs them. I say, "Hi Kitties! Hi! Hi! Hi! How are you! I am Bacon! Let's play! Do you know Getcher nose? It are really fun and sooper easy. I will show youse!"

But then they run away! Dogtor cats is busy.

Gennermalee though, I wuff evfurryone.

So lately, I are so confoosed. Ernie George told me, he said, "You can play now, Bacon, but one day soon, you is gonna has to GROW up and take ovfur some portant sponsabillateases!"

I did not knowed what he meaneded until yesfurday.

Mama were at work. Papa were busy getting ready for work. And I looked out my window, from my chair, to my yard, on my block, the Sunset Road, and I saweded a horrurbull site! A KITTY CAT! He were huntering and prowling at my mama's birdie buffet. IN BACON'S YARD!

OMD! Baoon were FURRRYUSSSS! I did not unnerstands why. I were so confoosed. But deep, deep down, I were feeling a burning fire of the outragerness, and a voice were saying, "WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! IT ARE WRONG YOUNG MASTER BACON! THIS CANNOT STAND! THAT KITTY ARE IN YOUR YARD!!!"

All of a sudden I hearded the most terrierfying growls of furroshus lions and dragon and snarling tigers, it were SCARY! So Scary, Papa came running. It were ME, Bacon, making those scary voices!!!

I runned to the door! I said, "SIDE! SIDE! SIDE!" Papa lookeded, he seed nothing. He unleashed the BACON. Bacon were like MIGHTY BEAST! I FLUSHED THAT KITTY OUT AND HE WENT LIKE A FLASH THROUGH THE GARDEN, FLYING OVFUR THE FENCE in a single bound!!!!

Bacon vanquished the KITTY! I gave him some barks, too. To let him know, "YOU BETTER NOT COME BACK, MR. KITTY. Less I makes the invites for playing!!!"

Bacon were very proud of my sucksessyful defendering of my home on the Sunset Road. But at the same time, I were sad, too. Does the growing up and responsabillyteases mean I cannot has the kitty furriends any more?

Ernie George says Kitties are our ennymeeez. I am gonna talk to Mama. Growing up are hard to do. Add-oh-less-ons are for the birds.

 

List of Stuff We Are Not Telling Ho-Ho

November 4th 2010 8:24 am
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Dear Diary,

Mama & Daddy are Complissit!

Evfun though evfurrybody says that Ho-Ho can sees you when you are sleeping, and he knows when you're awake, Bacon are in the clear.

Mama & Papa are so enraptureded with the Bacon's adorabullness, they has agreed to be "complissit" in not reporting my naughty-naughties to Santa.

Izzy told me "Boy, oh Boy...you gots them wrapped around your paw. Mama are not surprizering. We all knowed how she are a sucker about puppy buns and adorabull puppy beehayveeors. But MY PAPA, too? He are no pusher-ovfur! Izzy gotsta hand it to youse, Bacon...you sure knowed how to work it, kid."

Yep, evfun Papa cannot stay mad at the Bacon. And my list of naughty-naughties are growing by the day. There are a picfur of my wood art sculpting projekt on my page. I also did that same to thing to our remote patrol for the teebee!

There was the dead bird, the blanket, the sheet on the chair, the little not-so-acksident acksident that Bacon made upstairs that maded it real stinky smelly, and Papa have to get out the steamer cleaner! BOL.

Howevfur, has you evfur seened the Bacon play tunnels in a pile of blankies? OMD! It are the cutest thing EVFUR! JUST ASK MAMA & PAPA. Down blankies are Bacon's favorite. Cause when you make kitty pounces on them, they make wonderfur sounds! And when you dive underneaths them, they are all fluffy and light! It are the best. And the pawrentals go wild.

Papa says, Bacon, do you want to send your pals at the shelter some downy blankets for the Christmas? Oh Boy! Would they wuff that!

So you see evfurrypup, if you work really hard at the cute stuffs, and you can manage to distrackt your pawrentals with your adorabullness, evenchewally they will falls soooo crazazy in wuffs with you, that you will hear them conspirerring to keep your naughty-naughties from Ho-Ho! As Mama said, after all, "It are him's furst Chissymess with him's furevfur fambly!" YAY! Santy Paws are coming to town!

 

It's 2 a.m., It must be play time...

November 2nd 2010 2:50 pm
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Dear Diary,

You know the great thing about NOT being in the puppy play pen, and not having worms (Mama thought I had nightcrawlers in my belly...bol..Bacon Belly Bait Shop, OMD, where she gets these crazy idears?!?) is that I can wake up at 2 a.m. if I wants to, and PLAY WITH MY MAMA!!!

I can just walk right ovfur to her and give her lots of Bacon kissies. I can make spoons with her. I can roll on my back (which are espeshully pawdorable if Bacon does say so himselfs!)and make the "Hi Ho Silver" paws in Mama's face!

Now if I were down in my pen, like a common crimmynull, how I could have all this fun at 2 a.m. when the spirits moof me?

Howevfur, nightcrawler wormles in my belly or not, Bacon were still unsarahmoaneeussly thrown back in the slammer last night at 2:30 cause Mama not want to play!

Mama has the crabbiest of pantses in the middles of the night. She were not messing around. OMD! She took me out to potty. She were all busyness. No Playing! She say. Just potty! Then it were back in the Hoosgow, the clinker, the slammer for the Bacon.

BOOOOOOO! I thought since she gotta go to the worky times it would be nice to uses some of our sleepytimes for us to spends more time togethfur. Making bonds. Sheesh. Mama are lucky that Bacon are so REEEZILLYUNT! I bounce right back this morning when she come down to spring me! All were furgiven. Bacon cannot stay mad at A#1 Mama. I will let her play squeakie toys and tennis balls with the Bacon, evfun if she were crabby last night.

Speaking of toyses, the Bacon Double Cheese rankings are out for the furst week of November. My Most Favoritest & Squeaktastickal Toys of the week are:

1. Skineez Vulture!Hooorayyyyy!!! Bacon wuff you Vulture Guy!
2. Santa Ground Hog (he are back in Top 5 again!)
3. Pink ellyphant with weeee, surprise pop out trunk & tail
4. Magic Hat Full of Bunnies
5. Football!
6. Hoola Hannah (Bacon still working on destroying evfull bikini)
7. Red Bobo (poor Bobo...Bacon still wuff you, but I gotsa spread the wuffs around. You be #1 again some day. Bacon promise.)
8. Purple Fuzzy Seamonster Guy
9. Green Good Cuz
10. Giraffe


Also, today Bacon are a Big Cheese Daily Dairy Pick! A Big KahooooooNAH! Big Man on the Campbus! Mama says this are a HOOOOOGE HONOR! Wow! Daily Dairy Pick! Thanks you so much Dairy Association. Bacon always want to have him's face carved in butter statue like Princess Kay of the Milky Way that Izzy seened once at the State Fair. This are so cool. Thank you to alll my furriends for the presents you sended to me. Be sure to drink your milk!!!

Yours Truly, Bacon Double Cheese, Daily Dairy Pick, November 2, 2010

 
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