Cleopatra's Classified Column

(Page 10 of 13: Viewing Diary Entry 91 to 100)  
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I had a bee for lunch

May 22nd 2012 9:19 am
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And it was yummy! I was sitting with Mummy outside in the garden earlier when she was having her lunch. Suddenly a HUGE big bee landed on the decking! You might think I'm exaggerating but he was a biz buzzy fat bee. Anyway I nipped him with my mouth. And I swiped at him with my paw. And I went in again with my mouth. Mummy nearly got sick cos she doesn't like buzzy bees and stuff very much. And then I ATE him!

Anyway, I've decided to go hunt for my own food from now on cos Mummy's a lousy cook. Supplemented with treats and sweeties and maybe the odd bit of meatz of course. So there's grass out at the other side of the garden wall and it's really long and I reckon there must be lots of food there for me to hunt for Mummy and me. It will stop her having to go to the shops to buy meatz and things. And hopefully the menu here will improve too.

Just off to pack some provisions. A bottle of water. An extra large bag of choc drops. A pawful of treats. And a compass. Just in case I get lost or something.

 

Recuperating at Nana and Granddad's

May 21st 2012 9:53 am
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I've been over at Nana and Granddad's all afternoon. They collected me just before lunchtime and took me for a walk. Then they gave me lots of treats to try to help me get over the trauma of being left for dead by Mummy in the forest yesterday. With all the scary tigers and elephants and stuff. I was dreaming about tigers and buffalo earlier. think this is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Anyway, Mummy's on her way over soon and if she's good I might take her for a walk.

 

I was left for dead.

May 20th 2012 2:05 pm
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Yes, you read that right. Left for dead. In fact, it’s a miracle that I’m here typing this tonight.

Today I was in a forest with my Mummy. I have really long hair under my tail that my Mummy calls my “skirt”. Anyway sometimes I get twigs and mud and stuff stuck in my skirt. So we were walking along when I realised I had something caught in there. So I sat down so that Mummy could remove whatever was there. She bent down and removed a HUGE TREE BRANCH that was stuck in my hair (she would dispute this and say it was a small twig but I beg to differ). Then she turned around, and WALKED ON!

There I was, having narrowly averted mortal danger and she was walking along as if nothing had happened! Did she not realise I had been dragging a huge tree branch on my person? I could have had a splinter and died from blood poisoning. I could have had a hernia from the strain of dragging such a huge weight around. There could have been some nasty creepy-crawlies on there that could have bitten me. Either way, the possibilities are endless. And she just chose to – walk on. Like nothing happened.

I had to sit there for a while to compose myself. What a close call, I was thinking. Then I looked up and Mummy was gone. Yes, she left me all on my own in the middle of a big forest. My Mummy LEFT ME FOR DEAD. I started to hear all kinds of noises. I’m pretty sure I heard the thunder of a ravenous herd of buffalo. The hiss of a snake. The roar of elephants. And I’m pretty sure I saw some vultures circling overhead, ready to pick over my bones after some of the other animals had torn me limb from limb. The poor defenceless puppy in the middle of a forest. All on her own. Abandoned by the mother she had faithfully served. Anyway, you get the picture.

Then, once I had decided the end was inevitable, Mummy came back around the corner. She shouted at me to hurry up. She said I was being a drama queen! Drama queen? Me? Anyone would think I was prone to exaggeration or something!

Despite the ultimate betrayal by Mummy, I still remain a devoted dog. I even patrolled around the back wall of the garden when she was doing stuff earlier, and barked at anything that might want to take her away. Don't know why I bother, really.

 

Barking at interesting stuff at night!

May 19th 2012 4:52 pm
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Mummy! Why is it that you tell me to "shhh" when I'm going out in the garden at night? Because I've told you before Cleo, I don't like you barking at night time. But WHY Mummy? That's when all the cool stuff happens! That's when the sneaky kitties do their prowling around and there might be bats in the trees behind the house, or what if there's a fox, or a rabbit even? And then there are those scary noises in the grass behind the back wall that I have to investigate. It's JUST NOT FAIR! Cleo, the reason you can't bark at night is because there are young children and babies in bed. But Mummy, I'm only 4 and I'm still up! All the other young children and babies must be up too! No Cleo, I'm talking about human children and babies. Ah, OK Mummy. (Sound of Cleo screeching across the kitchen floor) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

 

Wobbly drinkies!

May 18th 2012 4:46 pm
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Mummy and I were coming back from the shops earlier. There was a man being all wobbly on the footpath, Mummy had to stop so she didn't hit him. I was barking out of the car to warn him about the cars and trucks and stuff but he wasn't taking any notice.

Later, Mummy dropped me over to Nana and Grandad's and Nana explained it all to me. There is stuff that human people drink that makes them all wobbly. I was wobbly once - I had an operation at the vet's and when I got home Mummy and Nana were laughing cos I was all wobbly. Anyway, I don't understand why someone would be wobbly on purpose. I didn't like it.

Anyway, the worst is, Nana told me that sometimes when Mummy brings me over to her and Grandad for the night she's going out to drink those wobbly drinks with her friends. Why would my Mummy want to be wobbly? Nana says Mummy leaves me over to them not cos she's drinking wobbly drinks but just because she doesn't like leaving me on my own for too long. Anyway, I'm staying with Nana and Grandad tonight. But I know Mummy hasn't been drinking wobbly drinks cos she called Nana earlier and she was going to bed. She was visiting her friend and she was driving the car. Apparently you can't do this when you're wobbly.

I'm really confused! Why do human people drink wobbly drinks?

 

FACE UP (or The Federation Against Continued Exploitation by- Unscrupulous Parents)

May 17th 2012 1:19 pm
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Pupsters, it has been brought to my attention that poor Zoe is back on duty just one day after getting shot at the vets! Because of Zoe not getting her sick leave entitlements and my own terrible treatment at the hands of my own Mummy, I have been prompted to establish FACE UP – The Federation Against Continued Exploitation by Unscrupulous Parents. Help is at hand, my friends!

 

Nothing much happened today.

May 17th 2012 12:00 pm
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Mummy brought me out to a recycling centre today. I was really excited cos I thought there might be all kinds of interesting smells but when we got there all they had was plastic and paper and boring stuff - nothing sniff-worthy!

Then on the way home I spotted my friend Daisy walking along the road with her Daddy and SHE WASN'T WEARING ANY LEASH! I was really worried cos Daisy's only a little puppy so I barked as loud as I could out of the car to warn her about the big noisy cars and trucks and stuff.

Nothing else much happening here.

 

EMERGENCY! A CAT in my garden!

May 16th 2012 5:47 pm
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There was a CAT in my garden earlier! I was whining and barking to get out of the sitting room so Mummy let me into the kitchen. I was barking like mad and scratching at the patio door cos there was a CAT beside my kennel! I hid bonios and treats in there earlier but Mummy wouldn't let me out - something about neighbours being asleep! If Mummy's weird behaviour continues Cleo is withdrawing her Garden Guardian(TM) service! Those treats are part of my salary! If that CAT took them that's a breach of the Cleo Garden Guardian(TM) contract!

 

Choc Aid!

May 16th 2012 3:56 am
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It has been brought to my attention by Mr.Cutter that the doggies on the other side of the Atlantic don't get sweeties like the ones I have. I have asked Mummy to contact Bob Geldof to arrange a Choc Aid concert for you all! In the meantime I've asked Mummy to post a picture of some so you can scratch and sniff at least. This is a calamity!

 

Sweet shop!

May 15th 2012 9:32 am
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Yippee! Mummy says she's taking me to the sweet shop! Well they sell other things as well like dog food and toys and stuff but we're going out there SPECIFICALLY to get my special doggy choc drops! Wait for me Mummy!!!

 
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