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Not just a dog, he's Gus the dog!

My secret life

March 10th 2005 6:07 pm
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Greetings, I am the canine referred to by my humans as Gus. Other names oft applied to my person are Gustaroni and Gustaroocus. Neither of these is strictly correct in any of the languages (modern or ancient) with which I am proficient. Nevertheless, Carolyn and Brian persist in using them with such a degree of sincerity that I now find them acceptable.

In the time I have lived with Carolyn and Brian, my work in quantum physics / string theory has advanced steadily; although my progress has been slowed by the addition of Captain Dog to our family. (The designation Captain is puzzling since he has never spoken of military service. Perhaps he sustained some psychological trauma in the line of duty which has impeded his recall of it.) Josie on the other hand is extremely helpful. We converse in a highly advanced form of gesture enhanced language that our humans interpret as crazy barking and biting. Josie’s insights into non-Newtonian physics are highly enlightening even if a little dated. Captain usually only wishes to discuss athletics and how much chocolate he could eat without getting a hangover.

My research has also been slowed by my inability to grasp a pencil. All of my equations must be scribbled upon the blackboard of my mind. One interruption and all is lost. When my humans are home I cannot even attempt anything more complicated than elementary partial state equations. I believe they think I am daft. They have no idea the mysteries of elementary particle interactions that I am contemplating. I often wait until they are asleep to try more delicate mental gymnastics. In the afternoons when they are at work and Captain is away I do my best work. I am so upset when they return interrupting my thought processes that I whine in disgust until they come in the house. They don’t know but I am saying “Oh no, I almost had the 10th dimension equation structure rationalized.” Everyday it is like that. Later, when they let us out on the deck, Josie begins asking dogs walking by in the neighborhood if anyone has a slide rule. In all her time trying, no one has had one but yet she persists. Sometimes I help with her request. We often beg together saying “Our humans have no slide rule or even an abacus, please help us?”

Since beginning practicing a few months ago, I have gained some typing ability. The keyboard on Carolyn’s laptop is very small and my paws are very large. Working today, it has taken me 3 hours to develop an advanced encryption routine allowing me to write this diary entry. Typing this email took 5 hours and I fell off this intolerably high chair six times. My knees are aching awfully; I also have to jump down when people are passing. Tomorrow, I use the upstairs desktop.


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Gus (Rest in peace, sweet boy)


Family Pets

Captain Dog
Tommy Tomato
Bad Kitty
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