Well, the race to win the Republican Party’s nomination is all but over. Mitt Romney is poised to win Best in Show after surviving a primary in which the GOP candidates often behaved like animals. Voters didn’t seemed entirely thrilled with Romney, but hey, at least he was already housebroken.
Check out which canine breeds the Republican candidates reminded us of and what breeds the Democratic nominee and his runningmate belong to.
1. Mitt Romney: Pekingese
Republican; former Massachusetts governor
High-maintenance, fickle, and snobby, they’re used to a regal standard of living that is probably foreign to most breeds. When indoors, they prefer the comforts of a mansion. If traveling, they’ll tolerate the backseat of a Cadillac to show they share the values of the common man.
Editor’s Note: After Romney’s infamous mistreatment of his family dog, we’re not sure he deserves to be a dog to begin with and apologize to Pekingese pups everywhere. But we couldn’t leave him off this list.
2. Rick Santorum: German Shepherd
Republican; former Pennsylvania senator
A very masculine dog that enjoys traditional heterosexual breeding rituals. Its aggressive instincts can turn off some people, but it’s ultimately a good family dog (just don’t Google its name). Clearly a product of intelligent design.
3. Newt Gingrich: Boxer
Republican; former House Speaker
Funny-looking and headstrong, they occasionally need to be put in their place when trying to shut down the government. Has a strong affinity for women with bad hairdos.
4. Ron Paul: Jack Russell Terrier
Republican; member of the U.S. House of Representatives, representing Texas
Obviously intelligent and obviously eccentric. Prone to seeing conspiracies where they don’t exist, such as the conniving delegation of foreign-born foxes he believes live under the couch cushions that pose a threat to the sovereignty of your apartment.
5. Barack Obama: Australian Shepherd
Democrat; president of the United States
Always the smartest dog in the room. His intelligence can inspire, but his aloofness strikes some as off-putting. Can get stir crazy when trapped inside the Beltway for too long.
6. Joe Biden: Pomeranian
Democrat; vice president of the United States
“Yap yap yap, look at me! Yap yap yap, why aren’t you looking at me? Yap yap yap, if you don’t pay attention to me I’m going to say something TOTALLY CRAZY!”
All artistic manipulation by the awesome Audrey Fukuman.