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9th of September: Reality Check

September 13th 2010 10:39 am
[ Leave A Comment | 4 people already have ]

Today I went to see my psychiatrist. It was just a quick check-in, but we talked about some pretty upsetting stuff…

I have been having a really difficult time learning. I can’t seem to understand the information in my text books. I can’t remember to do my homework. Things are just falling apart, no matter how hard I try to keep it all together. I am trying SO hard to do well at school, and things are just not working out for me. I spend hours a night reading and taking notes out of my text books. I pay attention in class. I write every assignment down in my planner, and still I’m not falling into routine. Things aren’t getting easier, but more overwhelming.
The worst part is, I used to be so good at this! Knowing that I was able to do this once, and well, and with little to no effort is so upsetting when all I do now is struggle and struggle and yet have nothing to show for it. I graduated high school in three years with a B average. Then I went to my first semester of college and everything crashed and burned. I can feel it going that way again, and there’s this feeling of desperation rising inside me… I’m trying so hard to hold on to my goals, my dreams, and myself, but it’s all just slipping out of my grasp…

Seeing how upset with myself I was, my psychiatrist asked if I had rejected that my condition was the cause of all this. I asked her what she meant, and she said “Your PTSD”. I thought about it, and told her that no, I didn’t reject it. I just had no idea it would affect me to this extent…

She referred me to a lady who specializes in learning disabilities and teaching people with them to cope. Now, that phrase scares me. “Learning disability”. I have 11 years of school ahead of me… the goal of being a psychiatrist with an MD/PhD degree, and … a learning disability?

I know it’s a product of my PTSD, but it is messing with my plans for the future either way. I’m sure it’s temporary, but I don’t have my whole life to work through this! I want to be a college student! I want to go to classes. I want to learn new things, expand my horizons… I want to have friends. I want to have FUN. The more I try the more I feel it’s just not going to happen the way I’ve pictured it.
Sorry for the rant…


Leave A Comment | 4 people already have

Barked by: Paige (Dogster Member)

September 13th 2010 at 8:30 pm

Hang in there. It has taken me longer than normal to get all of my requirements for my 2 degrees. When I'm doing really good, I can handle 4 courses a semester. Never the 5 that healthy people can do. When the world slips sideways, it can get as low as 2 courses at a time. This is really frustrating for me because I know that I can be capable of more. But I take a deep breath, take care of my health and catch up on the courses I dropped later on. You can do this.
-Paige's Mom, who is now in her 9th year of postsecondary and finally understanding how to make it work for her.
Barked by: Sierra (Dogster Member)

September 15th 2010 at 8:00 pm

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, it IS very fusterating as well as discouraging when you can't concentrate or remember. Like yourself, I spent hours in the textbooks, had to work harder than the average person. When I was financially able to, I went part time and this really helped. I now have my ASD in Computer Network Technologically.
Work at your own speed and you will get there. Time will come and go, whether you work at it or not. It's your choice of how you want to met it.
Barked by: Mina (Dogster Member)

September 17th 2010 at 11:02 am

Thanks everyone, it's really nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has faced this problem, and that all of you have been so successful.

Maybe it would be a good idea to reduce my course load... I'm taking 3 lectures, 2 labs, and one online class. I thought I could handle it because of the online class, but the farther into the school year I get the more I'm starting to realize I may not have the time or attention to spend on it.

I think you all have a great plan in taking things slowly and doing part-time... I'm thinking maybe I should consider that.

Thanks for listening. :)
Barked by: Paige (Dogster Member)

September 17th 2010 at 8:45 pm

You mentioned that you were taking an online course. I know that I find these way harder than an in class course because I don't have anybody to be responsible to and not solid timeline to follow.

Check with the disabilities office at your school. My school will let me carry a part time course load the same as a full time course load (so I don't loose my funding) when I need to. Life throws up and disabilities sometimes get in the way. Does that make sense?

-Paige's Mom

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