~ Zaidie's Howse ob Haggis and Scotch ~

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Well, dat r a welief!

November 15th 2011 12:24 pm
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OMD, pupses..Da uber nite I habded da horriblest nitemare eber :O I wuz SO bery gwad tu finawwy wake up when it wuz ober!

Anyfur, in da nitemare I wuz jus' duin' my normal LWD kinda stuffs - yu kno', bein' cute an' junk. All ob a sudden, outta nowherez I wuz adduckded by sum icky an' bery skeery-wookin' awiens whu hab wanded on Earf, in dere HUMONGUS fwyin' saucer-fing wif all kindza fwashin' wites an' wif wotza bery weerd noizses dat hurded my LWD earses :(

Nexx fing I knowed, I wuz wearin' a kilt!! Yeah, a skirt! I scweemded an' one ob da awiens sed tu me, "Hey, LWD!! Dat r NUFF!! Yu r makin' our hedses hurt!"

"How I r duin' dat?" I askded."Yu guyses du nod eben hab hedses! By da way, how yu guyses eat yur fudz wifout hedses?"

"It goes in wite here, LWD" sed one ob da awienses an' him showded me a mouf dat wuz 'ttachded tu hims foot! I scweemded 'gain an' den passded out.
When I wakeded up, I wuz wyin' on da bed, wite aside Momma, so I figureded dat eberyfing wuz ok, until I wookded down towards my feetz an' I wuz WEERIN' a KILT 'GAIN/STILL/WHUTEBER!!

I scweemded ob corse. Whu wood nod du dat?? I skeerded Momma sooo much dat hur jumpded up an' smashded hur hed unner da top bunk an' hur passded out. I wunnded tu da baffwoom an' gwabbded a pail. I fillded it up wif wader an' WUNNDED WIKE DA WIND back tu da fwont gess woom! I frowed da hole pail ob wader ontu Momma's hed, bud afore all da wader cameded out, hur jumpded up an' hit da pail wif hur foot. Da wader in da pail flew frew da air an' wanded wite on a smoke detector-fing. Dat maded da hole 'larm system kick intu hi geer an' all ob a sudden da spwinkwers starded gushin' wader ALL OBER DA HOWSE :O
Momma scweemded! Why hur scweemed?? I neber askded hur. I fot hur wood be habby cuz da fwoors wuz geddin' washded an' tu hur dere r nuffin better dan habbin' cween fwoors! Bud I digwess... I finded out lader dat it r nod gud tu wash yur carpet dat way :D Whu knowded??

Den I wookded at Momma. Hur wuz compwetewy soakded an' shiberin' cuz da furnace hab also goned off an' now da wader wuz turnin' intu ice almost fastur dan I cood say,"Momma. I r hungwy. I hab my bwekfus now, pweeze?"
We wentded downstairs an' went owtside fur.. yu kno'. Den we wentded back in an I habded a pawtackuwar bwekfus. An' dat r it :)

 

Dem say change r gud...

November 18th 2011 8:05 pm
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Fings r changin' here an' dat r gud. "Why it r gud ?" yu mite ask. I r nod shur, bud Momma finks fings wuz stagnatin' here in my diawy an' weadership wuz WAY down. We needed pull up our bootses or sockses or sumfing an' take bitamins an' junk. Anyfur, it r all gud, I fink.

I hab 'cided tu start a abbice column. Dis r meenin' dat yu ask me stuff an' I gibe yu whut I fink r da bestest sowushun tu yur pwobwem or cwisis or whuteber da heck r go on in yur wife.
An' jus' fur da wecord, I use da wetter W sumtimes 'stead ob sayin' da wetter L. Sum pupses kno' dat cuz we go WAAAAY back, bud I mite ged sum nu weaders - yu neber kno' an' dem need be pwepareded.

I wecentwy earned my PhD-fing in sykologee. (Sound it out, pupses. Yu can du it.) I hab awweady wited sum bookses an' I teeched fur a few yeers at Harbard. Aftur my werk here r dun, I r headin'back tu 'bedience skool tu wern 'bout bein' a bwain surjun. Cuz I r so abbanceded, it r onwy gonna take a week. No kiddin'! Whu knowed dat me, a LWD, whu wuz borned unner a bery old haggis twee in dose Highwands ob Scotwand wood du so well in hims wife? If onwy my birf Momma an' Dadda cood see me now...

Whuteber! I hab a coupla quesshuns awweady fwum pupses whu wited in earwy. So pweeze hang on tu all yur bad, skeery an' sad junk until da gwand obenin' ob my nu diawy, *Yur Mental Healf' wif Dr. Zaidie, where yur furst 10 minits on da kouch r always FWEE."

 

~ My furst day on da job as Dr. Z-Pup ~

November 20th 2011 11:03 am
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Da furst quesshun poseded tu me, Dr.Z-pup, r fwum a wady up in dat pwace callded Canada. Hey! R dat nod da pwace where dem wive in igwoos an' eat whale bwubber an' if yu dwive 'cwoss da border intu dat pwace in da summer, 'mmediatewy yu r in da middle ob a bwizzard an' yu r gwad cuz yu hopeded dat dere wood be skiing an' stuff? Dat pwace? Wow...If hur habs pupses, dem bedder hab coatses an' junk!

Anyfur, here r da quesshun :

Dear Dr.Z-Pup:
I am owned by a small whiteish dog who thinks the world revolves around him AND that he deserves a snack whenever he goes outside to, you know. He also expects to be fed if his dad or I simply walk towards the kitchen. Does the world really
revolve around him?

signed,
Ceiling Dweller

Dear Ceiwin' Dweller Wady fwum Canada:
Oh, yur innocence r SO bery wefweshin' in dese sinacle times, nice wady...bud yu need WAKE an' smell da kitty poop!! Ob corse da werld webolbes 'wound yur pup and so it shood. OMD, wady! Ged a gwip on fings. Oy bey...

An' da feedin' tisshooes? BOL! Yu r on yur own wif dat one, wady! "Shood I feed my pubby???" In dis case, pupses, dere *r* such a fing as a STOOPID quesshun! O.M.D. An' fank yu so bery much fur witin' in, CD wady fwum Canada!

Okay, pupses. Now it r yur turn tu ask me junk. One atta time, pweeze, an' no pupfoolery! One quesshun pur pup (nod tu tuff, pweeze, an' nod tu wong, 'kay? My secermatary r geddin' a lil' bid nerbous). Dem will be answerded, ebentuawwy, in da order in witch I weceibe dem. Ged tu it :D

 

~ Nu idea fur 'Yur Mental Healf' wif Dr. Z-Pup ~

November 21st 2011 8:13 am
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Okay, pupses. Momma r off duin' whuteber it r dat hur duz an'I wuz jus' westin' my eyes fur a coupla hours when suddenwy I habbed a GWATE an' eben PAWTACUWAR idea :D

Here at 'Yur Mental Healf', Monday r gonna be quesshun day!! Den I can spend da week answerin' dem an' mabbe tawk 'bout uber junk tu. How dat r soundin'? Dis will helb my secermatery fwum fallin' OFF da ceiling. 'kay?? BOL :D

***I wepeet : MONDAY R DA DAY TU ASK DR Z-PUP YUR MENTAL HEALF QUESSHUNS*** , 'kay?

I r gonna take a few more quesshuns dis day. 6pm EST (dat r 3pm PT, 4pm MT 5pm CT an' 6:30 AT r da dedwines, 'kay??

Dis r gonna be gwate an' I r wookin' forwurd tu helbin' yu wif ALL yur peepoles' mental healf tisshooes an' junk :D

 

Bestest 4th Birfday EBER!

November 22nd 2011 6:34 pm
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OMD, pupses!! I wish I cood turn 4 eberyday! Dis r F-U-N :D I r wearin' 'bout elebenty-seben pawty hats; I eated 'bout sebenty-ten-hunnerd turkee wegs; dwinked WAY too much Champagne *Ooops. Almost felled ober*; I chewded on sum bery tastee bonez dat tasted wike - yu kno' it - MEATZ™!; I chaseded sum maple weaves dat felled fwum a twee owtside AN' I seed a coupla skwerls while I wuz out dere; I eated so many cuppycakes dat my lil' Westie belly r gonna 'SPLODE - WOOKOUT! ewwwww...

An' I also gedded a HUGE wayer cake - da fwostin' wuz cheez fwaboured an' da cake wuz bacon fwaboured. It wuz a PAWSUM combinayshun. Unfortumatewy, dere r nun weft. Dadda eated da hole fing :O

Aftur da fousandth steak wuz dewibered tu my page, I 'cided dat I wuz full, B-E-R-Y full an' I putted da west ob da MEATZ in da fweezer. Yu knows? Mabbe we will hab a big Winter MEATZ™ Blowout or sumfing wif all da extwas :D I heer dat Bwake an' Fewix, da pawty pwanners fwum da 'Epic End ob Summer Pawty™(wemember dat??)r wookin' tu book sum ebents :D

Anyfur, I hab beened bizzy witin' fank yu notes tu all ob my fwiends fur all da wuff an' giffs an' stuffs. If yu hab nod yet weceibed yur note, pweeze west assureded dat it r on its way tu yu bery soon or it r awweady dere an' yu need chek yur pawmail.

"Momma! Whut if I furged sumpup???"

"I don't think you will, HunBun. I made you that list and you've been keeping track of everything, haven't you?"

"Well, sort ob. My LWD hed keeps 'splodin' an' it r startin' tu hurt now, tu :( "

"You can finish them tomorrow morning while I'm out, okay?"

"Shur, Momma."

Fank yu all fur makin' dis, my forf birfday, da bestest birfday a LWD nameded Zaidie eber habbed. Yu hab fillded me wif so much wuff dat I r...*sniff*...geddin' berkwempt. I wuff yu, all ob yu ♥ ❀ ☀™ *sob*

P.S. Dr Z-Pup will be answerin' yur quessions startin' nexx day, 'kay? Dis hole birfday-fing kinda catched him off-guard, bud him r weady tu helb yu wif yur mental healf concerns wegardin' yur nutzo pawents :D

 

Oh, deer, pupses

November 23rd 2011 6:09 pm
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I r habbin' a bery tuff time wif Momma wite now. Hur r alwayz sad at dis time ob yeer cuz hur fambly r nod cwose by an' hur misses dem. Goin' tu bisit dem at Chwissymus r nod poss'ble cuz Dadda's Dad, Gwampa, wood be weft all awone. An' dat r nod gud.

Yu may nod kno' dis, bud Momma sumtimes helbs me wif my diawy entwies. I kno' - whu knowded, wite?? All dis time yu wuz finkin',"Wow. Dat Z-Pup r one tawented LWD whu wuz borned unner a haggis twee in dose...Yu kno' da west ob dat stowy.
Anyfur, we wuz all set dis day tu answer da quessions sum 'nonymus pupses sended in tu Dr. Z-Pup. Howeber, it r tuff tu twy tu be 'musin' an' funny an' junk when yu r feewin' wike...well, junk!

Nexx day r woad twip day fur us, so I r nod gonna be 'wound, bud in da nexx few days, we r gonna answer yur mental healf quessions. Whu bedder dan me, Zaidie, an' my Momma, tu answer dose kinda quessions fur yu? BOL

We wited wotza fank yu notes fur all da wunnerful birfday giffs I weceibed, nod dis day, bud yes'day when it wuz my forf birfday. Giffs wuz still bein' sended tu my page bery wate wast nite! An' sum eben cameded dis day, da day aftur da day ob my forf birthday. OMD, yu pupses! Yu r all so bery sweet an' kind an' all kindza gud stuffs tu me, Zaidie ♥
We hab keepded twack ob ebery giff yu sended an' we r still pwannin' tu fank eberyone dogsonawwy/personawwy. It jus' mite take a coupla decades or sumfing.

Eberyfing r ok or it will be soon. I jus' needed tu helb take sum pwesshur off Momma afore hur 'splodes or sumfing. OMD. Whut a mess dat wood be. I kno' yu r finkin',"Zaidie! Whut 'bout a bodka dwip™? Dem usuawwy werk!" Dem hab nod beened werkin' dat well wecentwy. I r finkin' I need wedesign it, mabbe. I hab also 'cided tu change da name ob my diawy 'gain. Da old one r bwingin' me down an' makin' me wear bwack an' be all emo an' junk. Nod gud fur a LWD.

We du nod meen tu harsh anypup's mellow or make anyfur fink,"OMD. We need go helb Z-Pup wite now, DIS DAY!!" We be fine. I jus' kno' it. ♥ ❀ ☀™

OH! An' I almost furgedded : Habby Fanksgibbin' tu all my 'Merican fwiendses whu wive in dose United Stateses where, if dem du nod wike yur fudz at da border, it takes a bery wong time tu ged acwoss :D

 

~ Dr Z-Pup starts answerin' yur mental healf quessions ~

November 25th 2011 9:53 am
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Well, hewwo. Dis r Dr. Z-pup comin' tu yu WIVE fwum my obbice in a nondescwipt obbice buildin' in sum city, sumpwace. I hab no idea where I r.

Anyfur, my furst payshunt ob da day(a WEEL nutcase :D) jus' weft my obbice, aftur hims weekwy sesshun. I fot I wood take dis time, afore da nexx psy-ko walkses in here, tu ged started wif da quessions I askded my wisseners tu send in.

Da furst quession r fwum 'Puzzled' in MI. Him wunners why da heck du *I* hab more toyses dan him. Hmmm...Puzzled, da short answer r dat yu need werk on yur peepoles more. Use yur big, wound eyeses an' make dere harts bweed. Pwactise in a mirror if yu need tu. Dem fink dat our eyeses r da winnows tu our soles. BOLBOLBOL Dem alwayz mess up when dem twy be 'deep' an' 'fi-lo-so-fi-kal' an' junk.
If dis taktik duz nod werk fur yu, I wood sugess dat yu jus' wie 'wound da howse all day, winin' an' barkin' 'bout how boreded yu r. Bark at NUFFIN. Chase stuffs dat r nod eben dere :D An' my personul fabouwite, sit an' stare at da wall. Dwibes dem CWAZEE!

Okay, I need keep moobin' here. Da second quesshun r fwum sumpup nameded 'Chloe'. Hur r in a undiscwosed wocayshun, bud I r gonna take a wild gess...Idaho, mabbe? Here r hur pwobwem : Hur brofer, Tex, geds tu go owtside da yard wifout hims weash. Chloe finks dis r howwibwy unfare an' wunners why hur duz nod hab da same pwibiweges as Tux...Oooops..I meen, Tex! Yup, hims name r Tex. I hab it witten down wite here. See?"

Sound engineer : "Dr Z-pup, this is radio. No one can see anything."

"Whut da...? Why no peepole tell me dis? grrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Chloe, I toadawwy ged where yu r comin' fwum. Dis r compwetewy unfare an' meen an' nastee an' nod nice. I r gonna suggess dat yu go on a hunger stwike. Yup, bwing out da big gunses. Den yur peepoles will turn dere focus back where it needs be - on yu, da pwettiest lil' Schnauzie gurl in...Ooops. I furgedded. Yu r a poodle, nod a Schnauzer!! My bad :D
I du fink a hunger stwike r da onwy way tu go. Tex r geddin' tu full ob himselb an' moobin' up da wadder in yur fambly's hi-er-ar-ky. It muss be stoppded NOW. Gud wuck wif dis.

Well, pupses. Dese r all da quessions I hab time fur dis day. My nexx payshunt r in da watin' woom...watin' :D
Yu fink da furst guy wuz NUTZO, wate 'til yu heer 'bout dis wady! OMD. Peece ob W-E-R-K :D

Dis r Dr Z-Pup sayin', "See yu nexx time, 'On da Kouch'."

 

~ more answers tu yur quesshuns ~

November 26th 2011 5:47 pm
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Well, hewwo. It r me, Dr Z-Pup, at da obbice once 'gain, twyin' ged catched up on paperwerk, bud I can nod stop shweddin' eberyfing in site! Dis cood be a pwobwem.

Anyfur, yu pupses weady fur a couple more answers tu yur mental healf quesshuns? Gud cuz here dem r:

A couple ob pupses we r gonna call 'Tizzy' an' 'Whitglee' want tu kno' why our peepoles du nod unnerstan our need tu BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK all da time, speshully cuz dem r alwayz tawkin' an' tawkin' an' tawkin'...

Well, Tizzy an' Whitglee, dere r wotza fings 'bout us dat our peepoles r neber gonna unnerstan an' bice bersa. My pawsunal bewief r dat our peepoles r jellus ob our 'bility tu BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK.

Wif barkin', dere r nuffin tu spell wong; no gwammar wules tu mess up! Da bestest part r dat when we r barkin', we all speek da same wanguage! Dere r elebenty gabillyun wanguages fur peepoles :O How can dem ged along if dem du nod unnerstan stuff uber peepoles r sayin' tu dem?

So, Fizzy an' Whitley...Ooops, I meen 'Tizzy' an 'Whitglee', da peepoles du nod wike us tu wub dere faces in dere inadequacies (WOW! How I sed dat big werd?) by duin' a wotta barkin'. It makeses dem bery sad :( Bud dem will ged ober it :D
So go forf an' BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK wike yu meen it, pupses!

An' here r a quession fwum sum dood nameded Afwo Ben. Him wants tu kno' why dis LWD nameded Dr Z-Pup r so cute! OMD! Dat r a bery pawsunal quesshun :O Bud I will answer it honestwy cuz I r all 'bout YUR mental healf an' meetin' yur needses an' junk.

Afwo Ben, I wuz nod alwayz cute, my fwiend. In fak, dere wuz a time when I wuz so bery ugwy dat mirrors bwoked eben afore I wooked intu dem. Den, all ob a sudden, my bweeder/bwoomer/boarder guy nameded Bob telled me dat a coupla peepoles nameded Wendy an' John needed a LWD nameded Zaidie tu compwete dere fambly! Gess whut! I r a LWD AN' my name r Zaidie! Imagin' da odds ob dat habbenin'!
Anyfur, Bob gibbed me sum med'cine an, boila! I wuz da cutest LWD eber. Whu knowed it wuz dat ezee?

I hab a payshunt watin' fur me. Where him r watin', pupses?? Yu kno' it - in da WATIN' woom! Dis guy r 'ddicted tu cat toys an' scwatchin' posts. It r tuch an' go wite now - a bery tuff case.

Stay tuneded fur da nexx 'On da Kouch' wif Dr Z-Pup. In da meemtime, be pwoud ob whu yu r an' go woll in sumfing bery stinky an' gwoss :D

 

Whut da...?

November 30th 2011 8:17 am
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Ok, pupses. We hab a sewious tisshoo tu deel wif here. Go an' wook at da Giff Shop. Den come back an' tell me, Zaidie, whut yu see or, wather, whut yu du NOD see.

Dere r NO MEATZ™ ob any kind. Dis r a compwete OUTWAGE.

I say we start marchin' an' we fan out acwoss Norf America, pickin' up pupses as we go awong. Den, when we wun outta gwound tu wawk on, onwy water, dat r gonna meen we r dere - in San Banfwisco, where Dogster HQ r wocated.

Den we will choose one bery powite pup tu go in an' ask bery nicewy if sum changes cood be maded in da Giff Shop. If dat duz NOD werk, I say we storm da pwace! Pupses an' paws an' tails an' swobber ALL ober HQ. Dat cood wear dem down 'nuff tu gib intu our demandses. If nod, we du sumfing else. Whut? I hab no idea, bud it r gonna be gud. I jus' kno' it.

Dis r a toadal betwayal ob us pupses an' everyfing we fot Dogster stooded for. If dem hab goned 'began'(vegan) an' hab toadawwy gibben up a hole fudz gwoop, we r in sewious twubble. Bud wet's nod ged ahed ob ourselbes. Stay calm an' stuff an' soon we r gonna ged tu da bottom ob dis atwosity an' injusis tu da hole canine werld!

Altugefur now : Whut we r wantin'?

MEATZ™!!!

An' when we r wantin' it??

At da conbenience ob da peepoles wif da fumbs??

NO, no, no...Wite now! Pupses, we want it wite now!

Wuz yu pupses sweepin' in yur cute lil' doggie beds when we wuz pwotestin' all kindza junk back in dose 1960s?? C'mon, guyses! Ged wif da pwogwamme!

Twy it 'gain : Whut we r wantin'?

MEATZ™!!!

An' when we r wantin' it??

Dis day!! Ooops, we meen, WITE NOW!!

Dat r bedder. Now wet's ged dis pwotest starded by burnin' sum MEATZ™. Den we walk 'til we can nod walk anymore. Wet's GO :D

 

Attenshun all Pupses. I wepeet : Attenshun all Pupses!

December 2nd 2011 11:40 am
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On loudspeaker : As many ob yu awweady kno', da Giff Shop r compwetewy outta MEATZ™ Dere r nod eben a turkee dwumstik which teknicawwy r nod MEATZ™, bud will werk in a cwisis.

Anyfur, we r still pwannin' tu march 'cwoss Norf 'Merica an' storm HQ in dat San Bwanfwisco pwace. We will nod gib up until dem meet (BOL) our demandses OR if dem sez :"Hey, yu notty pupses! Go home, WITE NOW!" We r nuffin if nod 'bedient, wite guyses?

Da 'March fur MEATZ™' r stardin' nexx day. Jus' go owtside an' wate on yur fwont stepses an' when yu see a HUGE herd ob pupses, dat r gonna be us, 'kay?? An' it r gonna be GWATE - pupses as far as da eyeses can see.

We r gonna stop at Zoe's pwace in Idunno fur a huge pep wally/ MEATZ™fest/ Monster Twuck Show. Du nod furged tu wear yur waincoateses cuz ob da mud dose twuckses can frow out wif dose huge tireses. Dere r gonna be no time fur baffs! I wepeet : No time fur baffs at da show!

If we 'xpect HQ tu take us sewiouswy, we need be cween an' we need be on our best behabiours, 'kay? Dis meens no messin' wound an' junk. An' no chasin' skwerlses intu HQ. AN' no hijinx inbolbin' kitties, 'kay? We wuz so bery lucky dat da powice did nod awwest all ob us wast time. Jus' in case, howeber, we hab our teem ob wawyers assembleded an' weady tu helb us outta any bad kinda situmatashun. Oh, an' du nod furged tu wear yur tags.

An' wemember our motto-fing :"We r pupses AN' we will NOD back down until dere r MEATZ™ in da fudz bowl ob eberypup on dis pwanet!"

 
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