Thanksgiving 2011 - Ernie's Legacy and Paying it Forward - Dear Ernie, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I

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Thanksgiving 2011 - Ernie's Legacy and Paying it Forward

November 23rd 2011 12:33 pm
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Dear Ernie,

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I know how much you particularly loved the holidays, mainly for the taters, but also for the extra time you got to spend with Mama & Papa, home all day from work.

You really knew how to live life, Mama's Boy.

I have so much to be grateful for this year. Things I couldn't necessarily see for awhile. But you knew them all along.

When you left me, I felt like God took my family away. We were a family, even if your Papa & I couldn't have kids. We were still a family. And then you got cancer, and Izzy had cancer, and she seemed to be going any day, at the time. Or so I thought.

Once Izzy joined you in heaven, it would just be your Papa & Me. Our little family destroyed. The little life we'd carved out for ourselves would be gone. And it was so unfair. How could God do that to us? Wasn't it bad enough that God wouldn't let us have children of our own?

I wanted a little Scottie puppy, so desperately, Ernie. So so bad. I wanted another baby, who would be just like you. Who I could raise from a tiny baby to be my pride and joy, the way you were.

But no matter where I looked, all the avenues were closed to me. All I found were backyard breeders, mill dogs, puppies would materialize and then be gone.

And I found Bacon on Petfinder. He was listed as a Scottie. But he didn't look anything like a Scottie. He was obviously NOT a Scottie.

And a couple months later, I looked on Petfinder again, and there was Beanie, listed as a Scottie. I remember when we waited for 5 hours for the rescue transport to arrive from Missouri, to get Beanie from the Rescue, they finally brought Beanie out and all I felt was crushing disappointment. He was too tiny to be a Scottie. He had no gigantic hinder to speak of at all. I agreed to foster him, but the minute we got in the car, I turned to your Dad and said, "I don't want him. I want my Scottie. I want Ernie."

And your Grandma and Papa both said to me, no matter how many dogs you get, you're never going to be able to replace Ernie. It won't be Ernie no matter how much it may look like him.

Ain't that the truth?

I knew intellectually how difficult saying goodbye to you was going to be. And I had the most amazing friends, thanks to you, again, my angel. You introduced me to the most amazing human friends. But knowing how hard it was going to be, didn't prevent me from becoming severely depressed. I don't know what I could have done differently, to have kept it from happening. Maybe I was always depressed and this was meant to happen. Now when someone loses a pet, I don't know what to say anymore, how to provide comfort, because I feel like I failed the test, I fell into a severe clinically diagnosed depression.

It was Dogster friends who encouraged me to get help. And I finally did, in August.

I got help, and your Mama feels like your Mama again.

And now that the fog of depression has lifted I am so GRATEFUL to YOU, Ernie, and to God, for helping me to get better.

Since I've started to get better I can finally see what has been in front of me all along, that Beanie & Bacon were EXACTLY the angels who were meant to be a part of our family, that Izzy is still here, and we appreciate every day, one day at a time. And that even though our family here on earth has changed, we are still a family.

You and God knew that those little dogs were meant to be Beesuns from the moment they were born. They are the most loving little creatures. They make me laugh every single day, in a hundred different ways. And that little Beanie, that I looked at and said "I don't want him" (that changed about 15 minutes later, of course) is my constant companion, and he spoons beside me in bed every night until I fall asleep. No one, not even your Papa, has shown me the love and devotion that that little dog has shown me.

You knew those little dogs needed me, but more importantly, you knew how badly I needed them.

I am so grateful for my dogs this year, for all my dogs, for their love, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance. I am grateful for the wonderful human beings my dogs brought into my life. I am grateful that I know now that no matter how hopeless I may have felt, things can and will get better. That I can tell others from experience, DO NOT GIVE UP. You will be happy again. You will feel joy again. There is so much to look forward to in life.

This is all pretty sappy and cornbally for your Dogster post, Ernie, but I wanted to write it, because I wanted to tell your friends that their encouragement helped me to get better. And also, because if there is anyone out there who feels sad, or hopeless, or like there isn't any reason to go on anymore, I want them to know, that they can get help, too.

It does get better.

And also, I wanted a chance to shout from the rooftops, I love me some BACON & BEANIE so much I think my heart is GONNA EXPLODE! Seriously, I am so grateful for those two little babies, Ernie. So thank you, and thank God, for friends, family, health and happiness. I am thankful for every day.

Leave A Comment | 23 people already have

Barked by: Wyoming 6/21/99-3/6/11 (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 12:42 pm

Thank you from my heart for this post. It has brought tears to my eyes. You described exactly how I have been feeling since my heart Wyoming left and now just three weeks ago my Molly to the wretched cancer. Yes I still have Wolf and Radar but the family is not the same. Your words give me hope that it will get better and maybe someday my Angels will send me a precious pup that I will need more than they need me. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family and again thanks for reminding me that it will get better. I will try to focus on this and be grateful for the fact I had those precious pups in my life and not focus on the loss. Thank You
Hugs

Barked by: Ernie George (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 12:50 pm

((HUGS)) to you. And much love.

Barked by: Hamish McDuff (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 12:56 pm

So glad that you are feeling better. Those two crazy B Boys have wiggled their way deep into your heart. Duncan & Hamish are my first 2 dogs since I was a girl. I've had cats for years because my schedule wouldn't permit a dog. That changed a few years ago with this job, my move and Duncan needing a home quickly. I am so thankful for these two and all the people both here on Dogster and throughout my neighborhood that they have brought into my life. I loved my cats but the dogs make you reach outside of your house to others because they do, constantly. Please enjoy Thanksgiving with your family, whatever and whomever it consists of. So glad we got to meet here through the pups. Each one is different and special on their own way.

Barked by: Fizzy (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 2:00 pm

Oh geeze...this made me sob like an idiot. God gave us dogs to be our companions here on earth, and I think they don't live as long as we do because they've already got life figured out from the start. They don't take as long as us to figure it all out. And even when they leave us, they still have something to teach.

I'm happy you're feeling better, Mel. You've been blessed with a beautiful family, even if it wasn't the family you originally intended. I hope you have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!

Barked by: Cookie (In Memory) (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 2:10 pm

EG, it's not always easy for our humans to see what we have set out for them. Make no mistake, we are here, watching, loving and steering the ship of life (ship, get it my Captain).

We know when the time is right, we know what our humans must go through before our plan blooms.

You've done good, EG, real good.

Strength comes from within. The pain, hurt and sadness galvanizes and hones that strength. With pups at the Bridge like you, me, Wyoming, Cheyenne and others, our families can do anything, achieve anything. Love endlessly.

Barked by: MrJackFreckles-SirLick-a-Lot (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 2:22 pm

Now my growlmy has a huge lump, too...but still with a smile, cause she knows like you do that Bacon and Beanie were exactly the right pups for you to send to 'Minnesnowdah'!

From my Growlmy:
Thanks for baring your heart like that, Mel...while I do not have an angel pup, I did have feelings similar to yours when 3 of my 4 angel kitties went to the RB way too soon.

Now after a long time I have learned the same thing...each furbaby is their own self...and its a good thing that they are!!

May you all have the best Thanksgiving evfur!

MJF & Ingrid

Barked by: HarleyDavidson THD, CGC (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 4:11 pm

I sit here reading this Mel with tears streaming down my face but a contented smile on my face, to see the journey you have been on since the loss of your precious Ernie George. At my age, I look back on the fur babies I have been priviledge to have and realize the love that they gave and continue to give to me daily. I feel with Harley Davidson and I being able to visit patients, family and staff and we are able to bring to people the realization of what our furbabies are able to give to us humans. So happy for you that you have won over the depression and enjoy your family and friends again. Dogster has certainly brought so many of us together to love, laugh, cry and help each other in our daily lives. Truly, we are blessed! Happy Thanksgiving.

Barked by: Ernie George (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 4:31 pm

Mel here...

Thank you all for your understanding and your wonderful kind words here.

I have wanted to write this a thousand times, but have felt so conflicted about it. I want to get my funny back, you know?

When I started on Dogster, I had only Ernie's page for a week or two. From the outset, Ernie's voice was in my head clear as a bell. Granted he had been in my life for 6 years then, and I knew him inside and out. I knew what he wanted to say and how he would say it. (Only a Dogster person understands that I am completely sane when I say that...lol).

Getting to know Bacon and Beanie, and to be able to hear their voices come through, it takes time. I could sit and watch them for hours. They are endlessly entertaining. When I come to Dogster though, I always just want to tell you what they have done, because I haven't "heard" their voices. I didn't know how to "tell" their story from their point of view, you know. Although, Bacon I've pretty much got nailed LOL!!! There's not a whole lot of interior monologue going on there...everything is WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! YAYYYYYYY! ZOOOOOOOOM! BEST DAY EVFUR! LOL.

I am starting to hear their voices now, know them intuitively the way I knew Ernie, and Izzy.

I just wake up in the morning now and I have these two little terrier boys climbing all over eachother to say good morning to me and shower me with kisses and get their cuddles in. They want nothing more to spend their whole day just being with me. What next, MOM? Isn't it wonderful being together, Mom? You're pawesome, Mom!

I am seeing now how AMAZING and Perfect these two little guys are. And gradually, my funny is coming back!

I so glad you all understand what it is like to worry that you aren't able to keep up with your dog's hilarious antics in their diary! BOL! I might have been depressed, but I wasn't nutzo!! LOL. You know what I mean.

I agree 100% with everything all of you have said. YES JERRI!!! We are truly blessed!

Barked by: Lexi -- In Loving Memory (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 4:43 pm

It's crying time at mom's house, reading your diary entries.
Mom understands your emotions--she went through it all when she suddenly lost me.

Barked by: Flicka ... CGC (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 5:24 pm

Typing through tears.

It is an amazing ride we take.. a roller coaster has nothing to compare.

We are their Mission... their Project. we are their pupils. Like many things.. we stumble and fall.. and rise to the skies too. The laughter and tears balance.

The pain is awful.. the joy is rapture.

There are still days when I wonder why I go onward... but more importantly... I am still learning the answer to that from them.

Deep experience in never peaceful on the path less taken.

Love and Hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss and if it helps at all.. I am happily Nutzo (paid up member) and I hear voices........

Barked by: Logan Benwizzen - 1996 - 2006 (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 9:46 pm

Dear Mel,

The part where you said "I don't want him. I want my Scottie. I want Ernie." could have been me when we adopted Coco Rose. She was so different from Logan and all I was doing was crying and feeling so lost without Logan. I hardly picked Coco up during those first few weeks and I think she could sense that there was something wrong as she chose to leave me alone but over time that little black fur ball worked her way into my heart. No, she will never be Logan, nor will she ever compare to him, but she is unique in her own way.

There are many different forms of love and some of us have been lucky to have a special love and bond with one, or even more than one, special friend. Everyday I am very thankful that I had Logan in my life but at the same time, I am also thankful for Coco and also Puffy. Each has found a place in my heart as have Beanie, Bacon and Izzy in your's. We are both very lucky.

Marilynn

Barked by: Hershey (Dogster Member)

November 23rd 2011 at 10:40 pm

Mommy can't think of a thing to add, so we'll just say you have given us one more thing to be grateful fur this Thanksgiving. Ernie, you were and are a blessing from God. Mel, here's betting your funny is gonna get even funnier!

Barked by: Cassie (Dogster Member)

November 24th 2011 at 5:43 am

Awwww Mel....now the tears are flowing here in Texas, too...but I understand losing a heart dog and thinking we will never find another to love. When we lost Max and then Impy within a short time of each other, we thought we'd not have another dog for a LONG time. But CP asked us to foster a little black brindle former mill momma, and Cassie came into our lives. True, she will never be Max, but she's our sweet Cassie who has made her own niche in our hearts just like Hunter has. I truly believe that your EG made sure that Bacon and Beanie came into your life, just as I'm more than sure that Max and Impy made sure we have Cassie and Hunter. Hugs to you, I'm so happy that you are seeing the joy in life again.

Barked by: Roudy (Dogster Member)

November 24th 2011 at 6:41 am

Ms EG's Mom:

Roudy here. My mommy is cryin right now because of the beeyootiful things you wrote. She knows exactly how you feel and could identify with all you wrote. See...like Bacons and Beans, I was supposed to be Boudy's replacement. While mom's head knew I would never be Bou, mom's heart was hoping so much for it to be so. Momma loved her Boudreaux more than anything in the world, and he loved her that way too. Momma was so sad and felt her world had come apart completely. Then when Princess Gabby got sick and left less than three months later, Momma was inconsolable.

Momma thought she had made a mistake when she brought me home. Things didn't go quite as well as she had hoped. She loved me because I'm a dog and that's her nature, but there wasn't that special something. After Moses left us, she really went downhill...that's when I jumped in. I lost my best friend and knew that Momma and I needed each other. Long story short, Momma is my bestest friend and she loves me like crazy!

Bou knew what he was doing all along. But, did he really have to send Mabel and her 9 pups our way? I mean, really! Momma's heart is gonna slopde one day with all this doggy love around her!

We love you Ms. EG's mom! All the Goobersmooches and MommaG too!

Love,
RooRooRoudy

Barked by: Zaidie (Dogster Member)

November 24th 2011 at 7:50 am

*sniff, sniff* Momma an' me, Zaidie r tu berkwempted tu say much,'cept dat sumtimes da bestest fwiends yu hab r da ones yu hab neber meeted...yet ♥ ❀ ☀™

Barked by: Milton (Dogster Member)

November 24th 2011 at 10:47 am

Thank you Mel for putting into words what so many of us feel.

Barked by: Greta Grace (Dogster Member)

November 25th 2011 at 1:55 pm

Mommy is leaking so hard now, Mrs. Mel!! That was so bee-yootiful. We are so glad you are feelin' better after seeking out help; it takes a strong person to take that big step. We're very glad, too, that Beanie and Bacon are a part of your life. Those boys make us laugh daily, too!

Barked by: Abby (Dogster Member)

November 26th 2011 at 7:01 am

Barked by: An'GUS - Our Forever Scottie - (Dogster Member)

December 28th 2011 at 10:24 pm

Dear EG's Mom... My mommy is crying because she felt the same way when I went away. And when you went away...she know'd how your Mommy felt. These hooomans miss us so much and we is each non-replaceable. Tell yer Mommy tanks for putting it into words what my Momma can't. Your Mommy always makes my Mommy smile -- even got her to go buy one of them Chi thingys fur her hairs!! Nobuddy cud hab gotten her to do dat -- except EG's Momma! I sent Magic before I left...den I sent Elliott after I left to my Momma...and Roggie, he was my bud and I tole him what to do to make Mommy smile...and he so now he grins at her, and she laughs at his grins! And it is all gud. Wee will be with our Mommmies, some day, EG, righter than right! I see you Saturday night at the RB New Year's Pawty!! Lub, An'GUS

Barked by: Ernie George (Dogster Member)

December 29th 2011 at 7:15 am

Thanks, An'Gus!

It are so hard for us Angel Pups up here to see our parents struggle when we are gone.

It takes them awhile to find the peace and understanding that we hopes they evenchewally will find.

Hoomans always need to know the whys and the hows, and can't always trusts in the wisdoms of the BIG PLAN God haves for all of us.

Mama struggled a lot to understand why her special baby could only stay with her for 8 years. That were not fair! Not fair! Not fair! She said. And she weepeded and waileded and gnasheded her teeths and stompeded her feets and beated her chest and her head against the wall and sobbededed. And she said I don't wanna be here no more without my baby.

OMD! Ernie did not need to see that! Oy vey.

But evenchewally I kept whispering in her ear, Mama, you are not thinking right. You are not thinking right. You are not thinking right. And she got real quiet in her head and her started to think diffurently.

And then she started to see all the ways Ernie George changed her life in 8 years. She began to see that I made plans for her, for when I were not fizzycally with her on the earth no more, just watching from heaven.

She saw how I gave her Dogster, and I gave her special furriends she would travel to meet, and who would travel to meet her, friends like she never had in her whole life.

I showed Mama that I did not leave her alone...I made sure her life were full of love and supports and care, and generosteases and kindness like she had nevfur knowed before Ernie George came into her life. I gave her all of you guys, and your pawrents.

And I gave her in Bacon & Beanie the things she always joked about with Dad, Izzy, & Me. BOL! When she would be mad because the three of us didn't want to snuggle no more or play with her, or cuddle up beside her in the bed like one of her snuggly bears, she would get all pouty and say, "SOME DAY YOUSE GUYS ARE GONNA BE SORRY, when I get a puppy and the new puppy are gonna love to snuggle and play with me."

So sure enuffs, Ernie gave her the two most snuggliest, playful doggies in the whole wide OONAVERSE.

Anyfur my furriends, I know it are hard for us to see the hoomans in the pain, but we has to be payshunt. They are not as smart us doggies in many ways. But we still wuff them so.

Barked by: Droopy, I"ll LOVE YOU FUREVER (Dogster Member)

January 22nd 2012 at 5:30 pm

hi.. your words make so much sense.. flicka & lucas mommie sent this to me to help me..i understand everything you said, how you felt..all of it.. your post brought tears to my eyes
but i still.. just can't deal with the loss of my droopy. I CAN'T!! IT WAS NOT FAIR & WAS NOT RIGHT!! just out of nowhere, SHE's Taken from me!!i can't deal with it, i can't!! it hurts so much.. so much.. my heart was so full of love.. so happy.. and now it just feels empty..me & droopy had such a bond.. i mean a real bond..deep & true.. she saved me.. saved me from a life of despair..no matter how miserable i was.. she snuggled next to me every night..droopy saved me.. if that was her "perpose" o.k. but we had so much more to do.. i can't get that day out of my head.. her just falling over in a horrible seizure..and for 3 days we tryed everything..third day she was blind & completey paraylized on one side..no longer could eat.. IT TOOK MY HEART , IT SHATTERED my heart to let her go.. i know i could not of let her suffer.. but it killed me inside.. i lost everything that day..everything.. my best friend, my love, my companion, my SOUL MATE, MY REASON TO Care.. I KNOW I AM IN A DEEP DEPRESSION,... how do i do this?? hOW!! how do i ever accept that my life is gone..my droopy..i can act.. i can talk to her dogster pals..even laugh.. but inside.. i'm empty... at home.. i cry, i cry, breakdown every single day..
sorry.. not now..not now..i had nobody till droopy.. nobody..
my family.. but..nobody in MY life.. it was just me..then here comes this crazy pup.. i fell i love..i had my own family.. finally..I had someone to love & someone who loved me..how dare that be taken away from me.. had to be because of my mistakes.. my droopy was always an angel..
i said just today.. you left me..how dare you, why!! WHY!! WHY did YOU LEAVE ME!! OMG!! how ashamed i feel for saying that..HOW DARE I BLAME MY DROOPY.. HOW DARE I!! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!?? she IS MY LIFE!!
droopy..she just is so special.. so dear to my heart.. understand.. i NEVER had anybody..my family..but I never had anybody.. my sisters had their own families, my brother had his own..i had nothing.. till droopy.. she was my FAMILY!!
we were inseperable..we were a pair..me & droopy..
well..i could write more.. but i've gone on long enough.. sorry.. i'm sorry..
i do get everything you say.. i only hope one day i can feel everything you say..

Barked by: Flicka ... CGC (Dogster Member)

January 22nd 2012 at 5:48 pm

Lori...

Its OK.. you are ALLOWED to be angry.. with Droopy.. with YOU.. with the world.... that is a very NORMAL part of grief.... honest it is...

It had taken Mel a year to get to that point.. a year to finally let the grief go.. and embrace the LIFE...

It took me a year.. and a bit.. after I lost Cleo in 24 hrs to cancer.. that she never showed me she had... till 24 hrs before she died.

She was my heart.. my soul.. all I had left in the world... sound familiar ?? Bet it does...

We just have to walk the Grief Road... no.. it isnt fair... no... it isnt right..,... where we make the mistake is to believe in the 1st place is was ever fair or right.

So.. BE angry.... its OK..... its healthy.. it keeps YOU sane. It also passes... there is no set time... no set route along this path... and no fairness.

All things do pass.. the pleasures and the pains.... What doesnt EVER pass is the LOVE.... that never... EVER dies.

That is the beauty of the gift they give us. The unconditional acceptance.. the love.... hold it to you.. and CELEBRATE the LIFE... then death has NO dominion...

Love and HUGSSSSSS

Pam

Barked by: ♥Spike♥ (Dogster Member)

January 30th 2012 at 7:35 pm

OMD....Ernie my mom just read this and is crying like a baby. She knows exactly how your mama felt after you came to the bridge. It was like that for my mom after losing Sheba, her baby of 13 years and then me her little buddy. Many times she says it's not fair fur us fur babies to get cancer when our lives are already way too short...why can't we go peacefully in our sleeps at night time. It's good we send other little fur babies to our mamas to give them joys & make 'em laugh again. God bless you and your mama Ernie! Let's go find some taters and Greenies.