gardening

We are having guests this weekend. To help with the cleaning and decorating I dug a really large hole in the garden on the side of the house, spreading mulch and dirt all over the driveway as well. It looks great! Mom loves it! I can tell because as soon as she saw it she yelled to Dad:
"Would you come and see what Pennie has done!"

It's always the poor shelter dog who must suffer.

Why did I have to suffer for the sins of the Oldest Lad?

Mom was rather irritated at Oldest Lad. Oldest Lad wanted to go see the Midnight Oh One showing of the new Indiana Jones movie last night.
Mom was vastly opposed. "No. Yes, I agree school is no longer doing anything, you are just having a picnic on Thursday, but I see no reason why you have to be out at 2:30 in the morning driving home from a movie. I don't care if I am the meanest Mom in the world and ALL your friends are going."

Eventually Dad over-ruled Mom and Oldest Lad received permission to go. But then the plot thickened. Oldest Lad was going to drive a neighbor boy who is still too young to drive that late. This neighbor boy's parents do not care for Mom and Dad due to an unfortunate Science Fair grudge. Just recently these neighbors have began to let Oldest Lad and this boy resume their friendship but they refuse to say hello or acknowledge Mom and Dad's existence despite living only 3 houses away.

Mom: "Oh great. Now you are driving Neighbor Boy. If you get into a car accident, I am going to have to kill you off and sell your organs on e-bay to pay for the lawsuit that surely these neighbors are going to bring against us if you harm their Fair Haired Child."

By the time Oldest Lad was ready to leave for the movie Mom was falling asleep. That was when Oldest Lad discovered that Mom had washed all his bed linens. However, she had not made up the bed. Oldest Lad requested that Mom better wake up enough to have his bed made before he got home because surely he was going to be tired at 2:30 in the morning. Needless to say, since Mom was opposed to the whole Indiana Jones at Twelve Oh One Idea in the first place, she put her foot down and said that unless Dad made the bed, then Oldest Lad would have to make his OWN bed at 2:30 in the morning.

Then Mom, Mulligan, and I went up to bed, there to sleep peacefully until Oldest Lad came home. Then Oldest Lad summoned me, as usual, since I alwasy sleep with him. There was the large clump of bed linens on the bed. And this morning the large clump remained. I spent an uncomfortable last few hours of the night on the couch with Oldest Lad. Why did I have to suffer a back ache and an upset schedule just because of Indiana Jones and the Bed Linens?

Eat like a lady

For a special treat, with Dad, Middle Lad, and Little Lad gone for their various Camping Experiences, Mom and Oldest Lad took Mulli and I for a Special Treat. We went for a Doggie Sundae! It's at the local Whip Tee Dip. It's not really called that, but that's what the family calls it. Anyway, a Doggie Sundae, is a dish of Vanilla Soft Serve Ice Cream with a Milk Bone stuck in it.

Mulli has been for a Doggie Sundae before but this was my first time. When he got out of the car he went straight for his dish of ice cream and ate it right off the parking lot. Not me. Maybe I eat mice and moles raw from the back yard, but I am a Lady, after all.

I took a few licks. Then Mom realized that she had to hold the dish for me. Yes, I am a Lady. Mom had to hold the dish of ice cream for me and I delicately licked it's creamy coldness. Yes, it was quite delish.

packing

I have been helping Mom pack all day for the separate camping experiences. Dad and Little Lad to the Indian Guides and Middle Lad to Boy Scouts. I have movies and walks planned for Mom and Oldest Lad for all weekend.

I sat with Mom and helped her with that Most Famous Right of Passage for Little Lad: Having all his clothes labelled. Middle Lad has been camping enough that he scarcely owns a sock without his name upon it. Mom neatly penned our last name upon each pair of Hanes. She didn't do Dad's. She knows he can't keep track of his possessions either, but I think if his Hanes end up on the "lost possession" table Mom would die of embarassment, not even being there, just thinking about it. She would just rather they went un-claimed, un-named, and buy him new ones.

Mom: "Pennie! Why is the top of Middle Lad's boot chewed off?"

Pennie, looks around, to no place in particular: "I don't know. Perhaps he is teething?"

Mom: "Pennie, it's supposed to rain all weekend. Now he is going to leak."

Pennie: "Well, that will teach him not to chew on his boot."

Petrified Beast

I found a petrified American Alligator in the side garden. It appeared last week out of the fresh bag of mulch Dad put down. I thought the mulch was local, but it must have been imported from the South. That's what we get for ordering mulch from the Band Boosters, I suppose. Anyway, only the head, middle, and tail were there, neatly lined up to actually make it LOOK like a real American Alligator peeking out of the garden plot. Like rodents, this invader must be dispensed with immediately. I have begun to dig it up. It is quite hard, almost like crockery. I guess that is what happens to alligators when they decompose. Still, I have saved the family from certain death from this savage beast.

Mom: "Uh, Pennie, that was the garden alligator. Your predecessor Tyler ripped out all the flowers in that garden within two days of his arrival. I gave up and put the alligator there. Now you are ripping out the alligator. I guess it matches the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Box you dragged out into the yard to play with. And the Two Liter Diet Coke Bottle."

On their Own

Dad is going camping with Little Lad this weekend. He refuses to take me. Yes, even though I, as Personal Hygeine Pennie, would be the Perfect Camping Cleaner. Little Lad, as his brothers who have gone, so to speak before, has yet to outgrow his habit of failing to be nighttime housebroken. Little Lad wears a disposable pull-up but this sometimes does not hold it all. Mom and Dad were just talking about the allocation of sleeping bags, for it turns out Middle Lad is also camping this weekend on a separate outing with the Boy Scouts. Mom asked how many Bags Dad planned to take for Little Lad. Dad rolled his eyes.
My Personal Hygeine Pennie Perfect Suggestion is simply to take me along. After the first night I can set my self to cleaning Little Lad's bag. I can clean all morning and by night it shall be dry, and completely refreshed.
Unfortunately Dad won't go for this option. He discussed wrapping Little Lad in cellophane. Mom asked if there were perhaps disposable sleeping bag liners designed for this perhaps. Dad said perhaps he would take ALL the sleeping bags we own, except for the one that Middle Lad will be using.
Unless I can sneak my way into a camp duffel it appears I shall be stuck at home.

Never satisfied

Mom is never satisfied. I have been ridding the yard of all things Rodentia. Moles. Mice. Chipmunks. The squirrels run as soon as they hear the back door hinges.

Today Mom was loading the dishwasher and glancing out the kitchen window. Her attention was caught by the sight of a bee. This bee was the size of a C130. At first Mom thought that surely an Insect Natural Disaster had occured and surely this Bee was delivering Relief Supplies; that's how large this bee was. Mom kept watching. Then she saw this C130 Bee land on the side of the back porch and disappear. It was followed by the tell-tale landing dust. Yes. It was the dreaded Borer Bee. Each Spring new holes appear in the sides of the back porch as we get the annual landing of these Air Craft. No they don't bring Aid Supplies. They bring Wanton Destruction to all wood surfaces. Then they give birth to little Borer Bees. Oh yes the little bees are cute as they emerge from their holes and begin their practice flights. Yet they are harbingers of death to the structural integrity of our porch. Only, Me, Pennie, can bring destruction to the porch (think back to the self-created Doggie Door 2007.)

Mom: "Ah, Pennie, there is a Borer Bee out there. Why haven't you dealt with it?"

How am I supposed to take care of a Borer Bee? I am sorry, but I can not leap 12 feet in the air. My specialty is the ground. Mom seemed satisfied in taking Oldest Lad to a Knee Specialist for his torn ACL. For taxes, Mom and Dad took their financials to an accountant specializing in taxes. Middle Lad sees an allergist specializing in food allergies for his peanut allergy. Dad takes his old cars to a mechanic who specializes in old cars.

Yet my speciality is not considered good enough? Now I must fight off flying C130 Borer Bees as well? The woman is never satisfied.

Ah, Pennie

Mom: "Ah, Pennie."
Pennie: "Yes, Mumzie?"
Mom: "If you must eat a chipmunk; could you please deficate in the yard and not on the front porch?"
Pennie: "Why ever for Mumzie?"
Mom: "Because seeing the visible remains is just not, well, it just sort of turns my stomach a bit. Besides, have you considered that if you eat a lot of the moles and chipmunks and mice just this Spring, that the remainders might move to other yards, and then our yard will be empty and boring?"

The poor maple trees

I have three maple trees in my yard. Right now my yard and driveway are covered in helicopters. What I don't understand is if the maple trees produce so many helicopters, why don't the trees fly away? They must be very frustrated.

Lady

Mom: "Pennie, why did Dad find one of the serving spoons from the silverware drawer in the back yard?"

Pennie: "I was having a serving of Moles. I am a proper Lady after all, and must use the proper utensils to dine."