The Many Adventures of Spice, a Lovely JRT

Reflections on reaching age 9

June 21st 2007 9:00 pm
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It's my birthday today. Honestly, it's not really a big deal. This is my ninth birthday and I think it's juvenile to get all amped and crazy about it. Mom bought us each a Dentabone and she got me a bag of squeaky vinyl balls. Ahhhh... I love squeaky toys! And for once, they're all for ME. I'm free to take them into my crate and tear them into as many tiny pieces as I can manage. Dogster HQ also sent me a happy birthday message and they gave me some bones! Thanks Dogster!

I figured I would share some observations and knowledge I have accumulated over the years. Rather than acting a fool, I would like to reflect on my nine years as a lady:

** Happiness is a warm blanket... and spreading out in the very center of the bed! **

** Puppies are a joy to behold and amazingly beautiful and adorable. They are also loud, messy, demanding, horribly needy, and tremendously annoying (especially when they latch onto your nipples with their sharp little shark teeth). **

** Squirrels are the reason the world will end someday. **

** Never run when walking will get you there just as well. **

** Don't worry about dogs who may attack you or act with coarse manners. They probably don't know any better and are certainly socially handicapped. Ignore them as best you can and pray that some human will use their limited brainpower to stop the rude dog in his (or her) tracks. **

** Hunting is best done SILENTLY. Barking just alerts the prey to your presence. **

** Patience is most certainly a virtue. Staring for hours at a human does wonders for breaking them down. They are kind-hearted but essentially weak. **

** Wrestling and growling and biting are best performed when very young. After that, you just look dumb. **

** No matter how full you feel, there is always room in the stomach for one more treat. **

** Rules of the house: If you're not watching it and I take it, too bad. If you were watching it and I take it, too bad. If you have it and I want it, it's mine. If I have something and I don't want it, that doesn't mean you can have it - it's still MINE. **

** Dogs are so much smarter than humans... but we let them think they're smarter than us. Seriously, it's the only way we get some peace from them. **

** It's no use gulping your food. It will make you burp. Decidedly unladylike and highly embarrassing... but the occasional flatulence cannot be ignored or held back. **

** Balls of all kinds cannot be allowed to stay inflated. It's like that human show, Lost, where they kept having to push a button in order to prevent the whole world from exploding. If you're a dog and you see a ball and you don't try to destroy it, the world will end. Do your part. **

** Always kick dirt over the area you have used as a bathroom. It's just courtesy. **

** Stand still when the humans want you to, particularly during grooming exercises. It will go faster this way. (Exceptions to this rule are anything involving the nails. Run like hell if you see a pair of clippers!) **

** Smile - you'll be well liked. (Even if people tend to mistake your smile for a snarl.) **

** Traveling can be fun. It can also be stressful. It's all about your attitude toward it. **

** Always try to kiss humans. It is entertaining to watch them wiggle and squirm in their attempts to escape. And despite what you may have heard, they cannot give you diseases. **

** When no one is looking, help yourself to a seat on the couch. **

** Being quiet can gain you access to many rooms and places where noise is not welcome. **

** Digging: fantastic. Digging in mud: even better. **

** You can never drink too much water. **

** Lick yourself frequently. A clean dog is a good dog! (Leaving wet spots on the couch is a plus.) **

** Be flexible and open to change. You never know when life will throw you a bone... or take a bone away. You have to be prepared for anything. **

** Trying to communicate with humans is a little bit like trying to walk through a wall. If you can find a weakness, you may get through... but most likely, you'll just get stuck in a hard place. **

** Hold your head high and trot lightly when moving. You always want to present yourself as beautifully as possible because you never know if someone important is watching you. **

** Love freely. Humans are basically good at heart. Forgive them their trespasses, because they are people and therefore know not what they do. Pity them because they're not nearly as kind and lovely as us canines. Love them and perhaps one day all people will be good and respond to our kindness. **

 
 

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