It's our day...

I still miss her terribly. Romeo and Wish are doing fine. We're all happy and healthy and having a terrific little life. Still, I miss her.

Sometimes Wish does things that Lena used to do and it really bugs me. That seems weird because I would think that I would love it. When she climbs on top of me and lays along my side like Lena did, I just want her off me. BUT, when she lays next to me and puts her little head a certain way across my leg like Lena did, I adore it.

No one ever dances in a circle when I give them water. I didn't realize that I would miss that so much. No one ever dances in a circle when I come in. They just fly at me like some long lost X Man or something. I guess that's ok too but I sure do miss the circles.

Romeo has become a little more assertive which I'm glad about. Though it was entertaining when Lena punked him, I would feel bad if he let everyone do it. He holds his own with Wish and that makes me happy.

Sometimes I want to be alone with Romeo like we're war veterans or something. I bet that sounds really dumb but we rarely get time alone because Aloysia is quite pushy about being with us LOL. Still, sometimes I just want to cuddle up with him and Lena's blanket and try to figure out if he misses her as desperately as I do. I think he might though I've no idea why; she regarded him as little more than a general nuisance to our existence. He really aged when Lena left.

This November it will be 4 years that he's been with us. I've had Romeo longer than I had Lena. I've always loved Romeo but, with Lena here, it was sort of hidden -- like noticing one petal on a fabulous full flower. Romeo and I have a quiet bond that is quite different than the fierce devotion Lena and I had to each other. Romey's been more of a slow burner I suppose but I was surprised to find that I don't love him less. Just very, very differently. Healthier, I think, and I'm very very happy to have him. He adds a lot to my life and I would be sort of adrift without him.

Frankly, I realize that Lena and I had a terribly unhealthy attachment. That's my fault because I made the decision to acquire a dog under extreme circumstances. It was only intensified with the choice to get a senior rescue that was very ill. *shrug* Live and learn, I suppose. I certainly wouldn't change even one moment though I'm not likely to make that sort of choice again or, if I do, it will be for the "right" reasons. I've been told by my "normal" friends with no unhealthy attachments to animals that it was literally painful to watch. All of it -- the acquisition, the growing attachment, the devotion, and the resulting crumble. Ahh, the crumble. You all witnessed it here on this very page. I apologize for that, I really do.

I say these things to let everyone know that I recognize the situation in its entirety for what it is and I know now that I was needlessly cruel to myself by even becoming connected to Lena. Still, I cannot stress enough, I don't regret a single moment and the connection that I did make with her, however healthy or unhealthy, it was absolutely valid and I cherish -- literally cherish -- it as the most raw, real connection of my lifetime. haha I can see I still sound crazy. I guess some things never change.... I wouldn't take back having Lena, not for anything but I think I wish I had been able to have a healthier attitude about her existence. The fact is, the world DIDN'T stop revolving when Lena left but I sincerely feared it would and I really thought it almost did. That's not really ok.

I *think* I'm in a better place now. I think of her all the time and I long for her still but I'm less crushed by the weight of what I'm missing now. Every day and today of all days, I celebrate Lena and everything that she gave me and continues to teach me. I very sincerely hope that I will see her again. The light of her legacy still continues to astound me. She was a profound being, truly. I'd love nothing more than to be holding her at this very moment but I'm not and I'm still ok. I think that's what she intended all along.

Thank you so much for always being here for me, Dogsters.

Love,
Lena's Mom

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