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Adventures of a lead dog

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My Humans are Funny

March 10th 2008 12:57 pm
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I have been observing my Mommy when she reads, and it is hilarious. I think she should hang the book on the other side of the room so she can see it better. The reason for this silly behavior is that Mommy actually owns reading glasses which she doesn't like to wear. I think much of the reason is because Mommy never seems to be able to find them. I guess if they aren't glued to her face, my nutty Mommy will forget where she put them which isn't surprising. I've already told you dogs before that the humans I live with are idiots. I'm surprised they can even remember their names. Sometimes I wish they would forget mine. They expect me to come when they call, and it isn't always convenient. Why do humans think they are in charge. At least cats have the right idea. Cats do as they please. We dogs can learn a lot from them. I hate having my naps interfered with because the humans are calling me.

Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night--Be Kind, Rewind. No it wasn't a dog movie so even though they said it was good, I have my doubts. All us dogs know that the best movies are dog movies.

I have some important napping to do. If any of you dogs need any advice, remember my group, Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Lives With Idiots)


Money You Lose in Vegas Stays in Vegas

March 9th 2008 12:00 pm
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I was watching a cowboy movie yesterday. I guess it is a western since there doesn't seem to be any eastern cowboys. I"m not sure if that is because there were no cows in the east or if the easterners just didn't like the style. I don't think it is the style thing because if that were true, you wouldn't see cowboy boots and cowboy hats east of the Mississippi River, and I've seen men wearing them so I don't guess it isn't the clothing style. Maybe they are like a lot of men who got lost and didn't want to ask for directions and they think they are west of the Mississippi because they have no idea where they are. I doubt that the new "map technology" out now helps those men because they probably won't buy it. Why should they when they have such a keen sense of direction? Daddy could drive around for an hour not admitting he had no idea where he was going. Despite Mommy's suggestions that he was a total and complete idiot which didn't phase Daddy. Daddy didn't care if it took him 3 hours to get somewhere which should have taken 15 minutes, it was a matter of honor for him not to admit he didn't have a clue where he was or how to get to where he needed to be. This was great for me because I like to ride. I have to add that it wasn't always his fault. One time Daddy was in the hospital and they had promised to take Jeff to Autorama because the actor who played Cooter in the Dukes of Hazzard tv show was going to be there signing autographs. Daddy always did the driving in Detroit. He grew up there, and he knew the roads. Mommy should have known he was out of his mind when he told her to take Jeff because this was the same person who didn't want her to go to a store after 10:00 pm alone. Mommy got to Autorama but couldn't find the parking garage entrance. She called Daddy and he told her it was in Detroit. She finally found it after circling downtown about 10 times. She said at least that time Daddy had an excuse for being an idiot--he was on drugs. The next day she was teasing him about it, and he wanted to know why she had went, and did she get his Dukes of Hazzard car autographed. I know this doesn't seem to fit, but in an odd way it does. Since cowboys are men, Mommy says that they probably were wandering around out west with absolutely no idea where they were. They were just following the cows, and wherever the cows went, that is where you would find them. I think this must have been interesting work because if you've ever observed cows, they seem quite content to stay in the same spot unless they need to move to eat more grass. Cows are not natures' explorers. I guess the cowboys made them move so they would have something to follow. I'm still trying to understand the hats and boots. I think the boots were to kick at snakes, and the hats were probably to protect them from the sun. I don't think sunglasses had been invented yet. I wonder what style of sunglasses they would have worn had there been sunglasses.
Now that I"ve established that the cowboys were just wandering around aimlessly, I have to bring up the real purpose of cowboys. They were obviously entertainment for the Native Americans. I can just hear the conversation among the Natives. Running Bear: "Should we kill them or maim them?" Lazy Bear "I think we should let them go. It is time for my nap, and I don't want to be disturbed." Smurfette: Why am I here? This place isn't at all Smurfee. Why are those men wandering around aimlessly. Why don't they ask Brainy Smurf? Brainy Smurf: I hope they don't ask for directions. I have no idea where I am. I'm not even sure who I am.
The whole point of this diary entry is that this entry was more entertaining that the movie. I now understand why Mommy told Daddy that movies from the $1.00 rack are often there for a reason. Mommy said some of them actually pre-dated cameras. I think that means they are old releases.
As everyone knows, cowboys won the west. It was a happy day when the head cowboy gave his victory speech (which was given after they had actually won unlike some victory speeches that are given a little too soon, George W.). As any history major can tell you, he got up and said, "We have won and now we can build a city filled with casinos. We can come here and lose our hard earned money. The city will have the motto, The money you lose in Vegas stays in Vegas. Cowboys have given us Vegas. Thanks so much cowboys for your huge role in history. By the way, I am a male dog, but dogs know where we are going. We aren't dumb like the humans. Remember the real purpose of the entry: DONT WATCH MOVIES THAT ONLY COST $1.00

Demon Flash Bandit (History Buff)


Furry Creatures

March 8th 2008 9:23 am
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I have decided to discuss some of the other furry creatures that exist in the world. That doesn't include some of the extra furry humans--with the possible exception of that humans looking furry creature, Sasquatch. Obviously, we dogs are the best of the furry creatures. We are intelligent, loving, beautiful, etc. (no, OBEDIANCE is not on the list--that is a trait that is suppposed to be mastered by the humans, and I've given up on mine). Cats are also furry creatures. They are usually nice unless you get one of those snobby ones who doesn't like dogs. To be fair, this is often because the cat has come into contact with a not so friendly dog or is just afraid of the dog. Most cats are okay with dogs like myself who think cats are okay. I stilll wish Mommy could have saved that kitten I found for her last spring. It wasn't much bigger than my paw. It even had to be fed special milk from an eye dropper. Anyway, most cats are okay. I was also fond of my pet rabbit. He was a cute little guy. He always looked like he was wearing a tuxedo. I guess he liked to stay in formal attire like the penquins. Did the designers get the idea for tuxedos from penquins? It is hard to think that the humans could come up with an idea on their own. You know how stupid they are. I haven't personally met a squirrel or chipmunk, but I do think they are furry. I like the squirrel's tail, but I think they are a bit snobby and don't come to meet the dog so I'm not a big fan of them. I love horses, I talked to one once. They are like big sled dogs. There is one odd animal that I"ve never met personally because I've never been to a zoo, but he looks like he would be furry--a giraffe. He is one odd looking animal. Did his neck not realize that the rest of him had stopped growing and it just continued getting longer and longer? I think that is the only plausible scientific theory for the size of his neck. I don't want to forget the many different types of monkeys that exist. They are like cute little agile humans. I particularly like seeing them wear clothes on tv. As long as the humans are dressing them, they leave us dogs alone, and my regular readers know how much I hate the idea of being dressed in clothes.

It would be nice if the humans had even half the intelligence of us animals, but they don't. I have decided that the only way to remedy this situation is for us to take charge so remember to vote for me for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Observer of Animals)


"Thumb" Movies

March 7th 2008 10:14 am
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I've been wondering about how easy it must be to entertain the humans. I have heard that some of them can be entertained for hours with bubble wrap. I know this has to be true because I even saw it on an episode of my favorite TV show, The Office, when Michael burned his foot on a George Foreman grill. I don't know how that could happen. However, when Mommy is grilling chicken, I could see how Angel Zoom Smokey could burn her nose on one because her nose is always being shooed out of the kitchen when it is on. Anyway, Michael had his foot bandaged in bubble wrap because he kept it in the house for entertainment purposes. That is when I realized why we dogs have so many problems with the humans. Humans are idiots. I happen to be an intellectual giant, and yet I have to act like I don't know as much as the people I live with. Jeff and Mommy both have a complete collection of THUMB movies. These are parodies written for and acted out by thumb actors and actresses. I've just got one doggy observation about them: SAD. Humans are entertained by thumb technology and bubble wrap. Is it any wonder why I'm running for President? It is about time there was a dog in charge. As my readers already know---I will make sure all those evil birds die. I heard a couple of them singing last week. They are only here to steal my snow, and turn this lovely winter weather into warm, sunny horrible weather. I wish the humans weren't so easily fooled.

Jeff was out with friends yesterday, and Angel Zoom Smokey was very mad at him for leaving on her birthday. I told him to take her with him. I could use a break from the silly puppy.

I hope everydog has a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Possessing No Thumbs)


Medicine or Not??????

March 6th 2008 9:22 am
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Today is Angel Zoom Smokey's birthday, and she is the big 1 year today. I was just beginnning to have hope that Mommy would get tougher on her since she officially isn't a puppy anymore. I heard Mommy tell her that she will always be Mommy's puppy. Sure, it is great when Mommy tells me that, but the line has to be drawn somewhere, and Angel really needs to grow up. Yesterday she was super destructive. I suggested keeping her in the crate, and she got all whiney with me. She should know by now that whining only works with the humans. They are the only ones dumb enough to fall for it. I should know. I am a pro at whining. At least I get a special gift today. I guess it must be my "putting up with the silly puppy" award. Sometimes she can be fun to have around, but that is when she isn't playing with my toys or trying to rob my attention from the humans. I LOVE ATTENTION!!!!

As most of my faithful readers already know, I like to bring up things that the humans do that don't make a lot of sense to us dogs or even things that seem a bit silly. Today I want to mention a commercial I saw for Dr. Pepper. What kind of dr. is this Pepper anyway It looks like it is a beverage so just what is its purpose? Where did it go to medical school? Since it seems to be an inanimate object, is it just a clever name for a new medicinal product to make people healthier? If so, does it no longer require a prescription and did it ever require one? Also, can you get addicted to it? Are there Dr. Pepper junkies who are breaking into homes so they can get money for their next glass of Dr. Pepper? Are there re-hab centers for former Dr. Pepper addicts? Last but definitely not least, is it legal? Personally, I think I'll stick with water. I know my pet rabbit, Flash, loved coca cola, but he wasn't sick so he didn't need medicine. I know I don't have any answers to these questions---yet. However, if no one asks the questions, we will never know the answers.

Demon Flash Bandit (Asking the Important Questions)


Titles Can Be Mis-Leading

March 5th 2008 10:28 am
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I would like to complain about movie titles. I think a title should tell you what the movie is about. When I title my diary entries, I try to give another dog an idea of the subject matter. You can imagine how upset I got when I got out Daddy's dvd, Hamburger Hill. The title tells a dog that it is a touching story about hamburgers on a hill. I thought maybe there were a bunch of Burger Kings built on a hill. It had nothing to do with hamburgers or Burger King. It was actually about a battle in VietNam called Hamburger Hill!!!! This dog wants to state very clearly that I like my hamburgers without fighting, and I think I speak for most of the men that were actually involved in that battle, I bet they would have also preferred to be ordering a nice juicy whopper at Burger King. I will take this opportunity to thank the people who did have to go through so much with so little appreciation at the time. I know my Daddy was there, and he never wanted to be there. You have my Demon Flash Bandit salute for going through so much. I also hope you get all the Burger King you want. By the way, if drive through takes too long, blow the horn. That is what I do. Luckily for Mommy the employees know me and they know I know how to blow the horn. A dog can't help not wanting to wait long if he is very hungry. I also want to add that the title does fit the movie, but this dog has no idea why the battle was called Hamburger Hill. However, the title is officially accurate so I can't complain about the title. Next time, I'm going to look at the cover of the dvd. If I don't see a burger, I'm going to be suspicious. Daddy and I used to watch Platoon together because that is the group that Daddy was in. If I were him, I think I would have stayed at their main place in Hawaii. I bet Hawaii was a lot more fun. I guess they don't give them a choice or everyone would have been in Hawaii--probably at Burger King if they are anything like me.

That movie has made my entry far too serious, and as most of you know, I like to keep my entries funny and happy which is not always easy when I live in such a stupid world run by stupid humans. I'm sure I can so a lot to make things better when I am elected President, but at the moment, I just have to put up with the way it is. Remember to vote for me. I need all the doggy support I can get. A lot of people still plan to vote human.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who LOVES Burger King)


Fortune Cookies Know What They are Talking About

March 4th 2008 11:33 am
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Fortune cookies are amazingly accurate. If you want a prediction of what is going to happen in the future, break one of those little cookies open and you'll have your answer. I know this because I had the uncanny experience of having a fortune cookie tell me exactly what was going to happen. I found a bag of furtune cookies (Is is fortune or furtune?) and I opened it up and took one out. It said I was going to find a treasure. What was in front of me? A delicious cookie treasure. How accurate can it be? I don't know who puts the fortunes in those cookies, but they must be psychic because I don't know what else could explain how a cookie could know what is going to happen in advance. Could it be that the person or dog who puts the fortunes in is a time traveller from the future? I don't think that would explain it since I doubt that me finding a bag of cookies would make the news. That would probably only work for bigger events that get news coverage. It also wouldn't be Paris Hilton getting caught driving drunk and not getting any punishment for her actions. That isn't news either. I'm sure she is doing it everyday. Another non news story would be Brittany Spears taking good care of her children and not acting crazy. That also isn't new worthy. However, any person with any sense would know to put: you will be driving while tipsy in Paris' cookie or you are totally nuts in Brittany's cookie. Of course, Brittany would be too crazy to understand and she would be complaining because the cookie doesn't have any nuts in it when the fortune clearly says nuts. She is not only crazy, but also not the smartest girl in the world.

I want to know why idiots like those celebs make the news when dogs like the ones who played in the dog movies get so little coverage. I personally would rather read about what they are up to than to read about the Paris Hilton's latest brush with the law who will let her go as soon as her parents get the bribe money out. Mommy thinks it is sad because her parents don't seem to realize that one day she could die in an accident, and money won't buy you out of that fate. Mommy is one of the more sensible humans. Some of them are incredibly stupid.

I'd better go and have another fortune cookie. I'm hoping it is a good fortune because if it isn't, I'll have to go bite that psychic.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Pays Attention to Cookies)


More Presents for Me

March 3rd 2008 9:47 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey brought up the zombie issue in a recent diary entry, and I have been doing a bit of research since I have never met a real zombie. I thought that I'd better let everyone know a very important fact. Don't feed them salt. That makes them realize they are zombies, and then they get mad about being zombies. I don't yet know what I need to do about them, but I just wanted to let you know if you run into one, give it a salt-free diet. The last thing you need to deal with is a mad zombie. A regular zombie is bad enough.

Mommy went to see Semi-Pro last night. She liked it. Jeff said it would have been infinitely better if they had used him as an extra in its filming. I think the kid has a slightly large ego, but he does have a point. Having Angel and me in it would have made it the best picture of the year. I had such a good laugh yesterday. Angel ruined 2 of Mommy's stuffed animals, and I knew she was going to get severely punished and possibly banished from living here. As it turned out, Mommy told her she was being a bad dog, and that was it. I guess I'll have to put up with her. It doesn't look like the humans will ever kick her out. The toys were out of her reach--she jumped to get them so you would think she would be in really deep trouble.

Angel's birthday is this week, and Mommy has already got her present. I don't know what it is because Mommy got me something similar. When Mommy got Angel the same present she got me on my birthday, I was a little annoyed, but she promised me she would do the same for me so I guess it is good for me since I'm an getting and extra day of presents, and I can't complain about that. Okay, I could complain, but it would be stupid, and I'm a dog so I can't be stupid. Stupid is for humans.

I hope all you dogs out there in Dogland have a good week.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Likes Getting Presents)


Demon Flash Bandit's Advice is the Advice to Follow

March 2nd 2008 12:47 pm
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I'm sorry about not writing an entry yesterday, but the computer gave a few problems and needed to be re-started, and I didn't have time because Mommy was taking off to do some errands. The errands weren't that bad because they resulted in Angel and me getting an entire bag of Dingo bones. As some of you dogs already know, Dingo bones are out favorite rawhides. Anyway, I'm back.

Angel Zoom Smokey has been a bigger pest that usual. I have a group called Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit which I started to help dogs with important issues (my inspiration was when my pal Alley couldn't get to the jam cake in the refrigerator so I sent her a paw mail explaining how to open a refrigerator door). That is when I realized that a lot of dogs experience problems that I, Demon Flash Bandit could help them solve. I am the dog who knows how to open the bedroom door to get in, and I also mastered opening the car door. That one wasn't so wonderful because I did it on the freeway. Talk about being a scared dog. Luckiy I was in Mommy's lap on the passenger side, and Mommy saw what I did and managed to shut the door before it got too open. A further bit of advice--don't open the car door when the car is moving. (By the way, all you dogs are welcome to join my group).
I didn't mean to digress which I've heard referred to as chasing rabbits which sounds like an okay diversion to me as long as I can be friends when I catch them. I've very fond of rabbits. The issue here is that I allowed Angel Zoom Smokey to be an administrator also. I was trying to be nice to the silly puppy, and let her give advice on make-up, nail polish (yes, they do make "claw" polish, etc.) Imagine my surprise when my pal Savannah Blue Belle wrote me to ask me about how to deal with an annoying brother. I ansered her advice, and as usual, my advice was not only brilliant, but also the best advice any dog could ever receive. You can imagine my shock the next day when Angel had also given advice which was from a silly puppy, had nothing to do with make-up, etc., and was totally un-needed. I think she did it because the annoying brother in question was her boyfriend, Samoa, The Honeybear. I not only lose my Milkbone listening to her talk of their love, but now I have her sneaking HER ADVICE on the problem in question. This was very unprofessional behavior, and I told her so, but she says puppies need advice too. My advice to her is to seek psychiatric care. I think she is one nutty puppy. I told the Fster who almost has a degree in psychology, and he said he wasn't qualified to dispense advice on problems yet. When will he be able to do so, and can you trust advice from a kid who has a Mystery Science Theatre poster in his bedroom? Yes, you read correctly. It is a show that was on years ago that has a guy and a robot watching really bad movies and making comments about them. Jeff has actually bought a lot of that stuff on dvd. Sometimes he adds his own comments. It is so sad for a dog to have to watch and listen to a human who is so pathetic. Maybe it is just as well that he isn't giving Angel Zoom Smokey advice. He is the one who chose the Zoom Smokey part of her name. Zoom is some odd comic book hero that I'm guessing few people even know about except Jeff and a few other comic book fans. The sad thing is that he is far "cooler" than the brother who died (that one liked Mystery Science Theater also). Robby actually like Classical music and he liked to read. I'll give Jeff credit on that one. Jeff has the motto, Why read if the book is going to be made into a movie. Anyway, if you happen to write for advice in my group, and Angel Zoom Smokey answers your advice, remember to wait until I respond. If we agree, it was terrific advice. If we disagree, ignore Angel Zoom Smokey.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Dog)


I Prefer a Winter Wonderland

February 29th 2008 11:08 am
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Mommy went to the store yesterday and brought home a new box of Milkbone which, of course, was mine. Mommy had to put it out of our reach because that idiot Angel thought it was hers. I don't know when she is going to understand that I was here first so everything is mine unless I say otherwise, and I doubt that I will ever say otherwise when it comes to Milkbone. It was about time Mommy got some more. That box she bought earlier in the week only lasted 2 days. She knows us. She should buy the huge box.

This is the last day of a very delightful month. I don't know why most humans don't love January and February. The winter weather is so delightful. I'm sorry for you dogs out there who don't have winter weather. You have my sympathy. February has an extra day this year because it is leap year. I think that means we are supposed to do a lot of extra jumping this year. I don't see the humans around here doing any extra jumping so I guess it is up to us dogs to do it for them.

Easter is next month. I think it is nice that the bunnies have their own holiday. However, I don't like the fact that Easter seems to bring on lousy weather. It starts getting warmer, and before you know it, the horrible seasons of spring and summer arrive. Those are 2 seasons we huskies could live without. Most of the humans seem to enjoy them, but humans are idiots so their opinions don't count.

I'd better go and take a nap. The whole idea of spring and summer is so depressing. I hope everydog has a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Hater of Spring and Summer)

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