Adventures of a lead dog

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Demon Flash Bandit's Advice is the Advice to Follow

March 2nd 2008 12:47 pm
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I'm sorry about not writing an entry yesterday, but the computer gave a few problems and needed to be re-started, and I didn't have time because Mommy was taking off to do some errands. The errands weren't that bad because they resulted in Angel and me getting an entire bag of Dingo bones. As some of you dogs already know, Dingo bones are out favorite rawhides. Anyway, I'm back.

Angel Zoom Smokey has been a bigger pest that usual. I have a group called Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit which I started to help dogs with important issues (my inspiration was when my pal Alley couldn't get to the jam cake in the refrigerator so I sent her a paw mail explaining how to open a refrigerator door). That is when I realized that a lot of dogs experience problems that I, Demon Flash Bandit could help them solve. I am the dog who knows how to open the bedroom door to get in, and I also mastered opening the car door. That one wasn't so wonderful because I did it on the freeway. Talk about being a scared dog. Luckiy I was in Mommy's lap on the passenger side, and Mommy saw what I did and managed to shut the door before it got too open. A further bit of advice--don't open the car door when the car is moving. (By the way, all you dogs are welcome to join my group).
I didn't mean to digress which I've heard referred to as chasing rabbits which sounds like an okay diversion to me as long as I can be friends when I catch them. I've very fond of rabbits. The issue here is that I allowed Angel Zoom Smokey to be an administrator also. I was trying to be nice to the silly puppy, and let her give advice on make-up, nail polish (yes, they do make "claw" polish, etc.) Imagine my surprise when my pal Savannah Blue Belle wrote me to ask me about how to deal with an annoying brother. I ansered her advice, and as usual, my advice was not only brilliant, but also the best advice any dog could ever receive. You can imagine my shock the next day when Angel had also given advice which was from a silly puppy, had nothing to do with make-up, etc., and was totally un-needed. I think she did it because the annoying brother in question was her boyfriend, Samoa, The Honeybear. I not only lose my Milkbone listening to her talk of their love, but now I have her sneaking HER ADVICE on the problem in question. This was very unprofessional behavior, and I told her so, but she says puppies need advice too. My advice to her is to seek psychiatric care. I think she is one nutty puppy. I told the Fster who almost has a degree in psychology, and he said he wasn't qualified to dispense advice on problems yet. When will he be able to do so, and can you trust advice from a kid who has a Mystery Science Theatre poster in his bedroom? Yes, you read correctly. It is a show that was on years ago that has a guy and a robot watching really bad movies and making comments about them. Jeff has actually bought a lot of that stuff on dvd. Sometimes he adds his own comments. It is so sad for a dog to have to watch and listen to a human who is so pathetic. Maybe it is just as well that he isn't giving Angel Zoom Smokey advice. He is the one who chose the Zoom Smokey part of her name. Zoom is some odd comic book hero that I'm guessing few people even know about except Jeff and a few other comic book fans. The sad thing is that he is far "cooler" than the brother who died (that one liked Mystery Science Theater also). Robby actually like Classical music and he liked to read. I'll give Jeff credit on that one. Jeff has the motto, Why read if the book is going to be made into a movie. Anyway, if you happen to write for advice in my group, and Angel Zoom Smokey answers your advice, remember to wait until I respond. If we agree, it was terrific advice. If we disagree, ignore Angel Zoom Smokey.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Dog)

 

I Prefer a Winter Wonderland

February 29th 2008 11:08 am
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Mommy went to the store yesterday and brought home a new box of Milkbone which, of course, was mine. Mommy had to put it out of our reach because that idiot Angel thought it was hers. I don't know when she is going to understand that I was here first so everything is mine unless I say otherwise, and I doubt that I will ever say otherwise when it comes to Milkbone. It was about time Mommy got some more. That box she bought earlier in the week only lasted 2 days. She knows us. She should buy the huge box.

This is the last day of a very delightful month. I don't know why most humans don't love January and February. The winter weather is so delightful. I'm sorry for you dogs out there who don't have winter weather. You have my sympathy. February has an extra day this year because it is leap year. I think that means we are supposed to do a lot of extra jumping this year. I don't see the humans around here doing any extra jumping so I guess it is up to us dogs to do it for them.

Easter is next month. I think it is nice that the bunnies have their own holiday. However, I don't like the fact that Easter seems to bring on lousy weather. It starts getting warmer, and before you know it, the horrible seasons of spring and summer arrive. Those are 2 seasons we huskies could live without. Most of the humans seem to enjoy them, but humans are idiots so their opinions don't count.

I'd better go and take a nap. The whole idea of spring and summer is so depressing. I hope everydog has a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Hater of Spring and Summer)

 

How Strong is Paper?????

February 28th 2008 9:23 am
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Hold the applause everyone. Saving the planet is all in a day's work for Demon Flash Bandit, SuperDog. I know the cape might look a little silly, but it is the only way I have to keep my identity safe. I have to admit, hurling that giant Meteor to a new path to keep it from hitting Earth was amazing, but I do things like that everyday.......oh, people can read this. Uh, I was just doing some thinking. I'm not SuperDog's mild mannered secret identity. I'm sure SuperDog looks a lot different from me. There is no way he would look like me with a cape. You know he would have a better disguise than that. That would be like a human thinking he can put on a pair of glasses and not be recognized. Even humans are smarter than that--and heaven knows they aren't very smart.

Today I would like to know what is going on with paperweights. I'm not making fun of the humans and their language, but have any of you dogs out there every seen paper lift anything? Do they create paperweights to make the paper feel bad? Does the paper sit around crying and feeling like it is useless because it can't lift a paperweight. I think the humans are just trying to make paper feel bad by coming out with a product like that. Angel and I watch The Office all the time, and we want to know since Dunder Mifflin sells paper, does it also sell paperweights or do you have to go the the paperweight company to get them. Also, if the paperweight gets to fat, does it have to go on a diet. These are the types of questions that we dogs have to sleep so much to try to solve. You can't expect the humans to solve anything. They are the idiots who buy the weights for the paper to lift. Then they say the paper won't move when they have the "weights" on it. If they know the paper can't lift it, why did they buy it for the paper to lift in the first place? I don't think we will ever understand humans--they are just too stupid!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (NOT SUPERDOG)

 

I Am Close Friends With Mirror Dog

February 27th 2008 9:56 am
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I have heard nothing from Homeland Security about the Zombie, Werewolf, and Vampire threat so I'm assuming they want to continue being a totally useless agency. I have a suggestion for you humans running things. Hire people who know what they are doing. You humans have more incompetents running things than cats have lives. If you have a relative or friend you want to hire, put them in charge of something they have some knowledge about. For example, perhaps you have a drunken, alcoholic to place into a career. Why not make him head of giving our liquor licenses? That is something he knows about. He will probably make more money for the agency because he will give licenses to everyone. Children won't have lemonade or kool-aid stands, they will be selling beer. I bet their business will pick up immediately. I don't know why. My own Mommy hates the taste of beer, but a lot of humans must have un-evolved taste buds because they love it.

The main subject I want to discuss today is the interviews I've been doing with the dog in the mirror. He is also a male husky. He is black and white, has blue eyes, and is about my size. I have to tell you that I think he is a very handsome dog. Anyway, he lives in the mirror because everytime I go to the mirror, I see him there. Angel says she sees a female husky, but I think she needs glasses. Anyway, I do interviews with him, and I know I am always right because he ALWAYS agrees with whatever I say. By the way, he thinks I should be president. He is always appalled by the behavior of Angel Zoom Smokey. This is why when I say something, I know I am right because I've already discussed it with the dog in the mirror. Thanks for you help, Dog in the Mirror. I don't know what I would do without you.

Several days ago, I covered the subject of shoes. My pal, Breezy, sent me a paw mail with a link to yahoo that had a story about German Shepherd Police Dogs in Germany. They will be wearing dog shoes in the future. I know my diary entries are important, but that one was almost prophetic. The official story is that they are protecting the dog's paws from injury. Dogs have proudly walked bare pawed for centuries, and now the humans want to make them wear shoes. Hats will be next--the excuse the humans will have will be that the hats keep their ears warm. When I become President, I will have to invade Germany because of their WMDs---Whopping Mad Dogs. I know if you try to put booties on me, I become whopping mad and someone may lost a finger or two. I have no patience with humans' stupidity.

I hope all you dogs out there will send some letters of protest to the German police. Dogs Don't Wear Shoes!!!!!! Make that message loud and clear. NO SHOES, NO SHOES, NO SHOES, NO SHOES.

I appreciate all the support from my loyal dogs on Dogter. Let's continue to work to get complete equality for all us dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Mirror Dog's Friend)

 

Werewolves: Major Threat

February 26th 2008 11:16 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey hasn't been writing diary entries much lately so she made up for it yesterday by writing a book. I thought she would never quit hogging the computer. I have to make a couple of comments on her entry. I am pleased that she has decided to become my Vice President. I didn't want to see the dog vote split between the two of us so that a human would take advantage of it and win. She also brought up a very important point about the zombie problem. I have noticed a lot of zombie movies have been made, and yet there is nothing being done about the situation. Angel even pointed out that zombies have been in high govt. positions (she even had the guts to name one--Bob Dole--if he isn't a zombie then I don't know who is). Anyway, I have also wondered why there isn't a homeland security plan in the event we are attacked by werewolves and vampires. Homeland Security doesn't seem to be able to do much of anything so maybe they can redeem themselves with the new threat--okay that was a laugh!!! I know some of you are probably thinking, there aren't any such creatures. I'm sure that is what they want you to believe. However, Daddy's Grandmother came from a place called Transylvania, and they know about these things there. His mother told stories about girls who were abducted from villages by werewolves. No, there is no reason to assume these girls just ran away. THEY WERE ABDUCTED BY WEREWOLVES--you obviously weren't reading the diary entry correctly. Isn't that what most of us assume when people are missing? I think the correct scientific explanation is werewolves. I'm glad you dogs are reading this because the humans never get it. I have some quick tips for you. Do some reasearch on what kills these creatures because Hollywood isn't always accurate. I once saw a movie where Custer was being nice to the Native Americans and he won at the Little Big Horn. I don't think it was historically accurate although Daddy who was in the Cavalry seemed to like that version. Custer was from Monroe, MI, and there is a nice museum in Monroe that has a lot of his memorabilia. Anyway, I would do the research for you, but that would cut into my nap time. and I already have to spend a lot of my nap time campaigning so you are on your own. Besides, research is boring.

Demon Flash Bandit (Homeland Security Alert)

 

Campbell's Kids

February 25th 2008 10:40 am
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Last night was Oscar night, and I didn't even bother to watch them since we dogs never seem to be represented even though we are the most talented actors and actresses ever to grace the screen. The humans just can't stand competition from us, can they? Mommy went to see a movie last night, Vantage Point. I think it had something to do about the point at which a van gets old. I could be wrong, but that is what it sounds like to me. I guess that is useful information because when it gets to that point, I guess you are supposed to buy a new car.
As my loyal readers know, I have many philosophical observations about the humans--both the ones I live with and humans in general. Today I thought I would cover the Campbell's Kids. These are the 3 little kids who have been pushing Campbell's soup since pre-history. They are the adorable little cartoon kids that push the general public to buy the soup. One is carrying a cup of Campbell's soup, one is carrying a bowl and one is carrying a giant spoon which actually looks a little large for the bowl. They have stupid looking hats and they look happy (probably because they have made a fortune selling the soup). Let's not forget that catchy slogan: M'm! M'm! Good! It must have taken an advertising genius to come up with that one. I can just see the meeting. I think we should use, It's DELICIOUS. No, that is too big a word. The kids might have trouble remembering it. How about, M'm M'm---not that isn't enough. M'm M'm Great. No, it just doesn't sound right to me. I've got it M'm M'm Good. Add some excalmation points and we've got our slogan. That was a great day in marketing history. It isn't that I mind the Campbell's kids, but I've seen children eating soup, and the only reason we dogs don't mind is that children tend to be messy eaters so we get to eat more of their food than they do. Now you know the real reason we like children. I also wonder why companies spend millions of dollars to market a 75 cent item. I hope they make their money in volume because otherwise, theyare really making some very bad financial decisions.

Since I"ve been writing about food, it has made me hungry. I'm going to get off the computer and spend a bit of time in the kitchen.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wondering About Marketing)

 

Shoes--Why Do Humans Wear Them?????????

February 24th 2008 9:58 am
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Today my subject for contemplation is shoes. I have 4 paws, and Mommy once got the bright idea of putting some booties on them. Mommy thought me wearing booties would be "so cute". Let's just say that the whole bootie idea was abandoned due to lack of cooperation by Yours Truly. If you let the humans get by with booties, then the next step is a hat, and before you know it, you are wearing a suit, and working in some office somewhere doing a job you hate and not getting paid enough. Silly humans--work is for people, not for dogs. Back to the subject of shoes, humans have so many different kinds of shoes, it is amazing: Hiking shoes, dress shoes, high heels, sandals, slippers, winter boots, cowboy boots, dress boots, work boots, combat boots, aqua shoes, sneakers, tennis shoes, work shoes, othopedic shoes, baby shoes, baby booties, flip flops, etc. Obviously, you get the idea that humans spend most of their life hunting for shoes. There are shoe horns, and shoe trees, shoe museums, shoe polish, and shoe dye, etc. It is enough to make a dog's head hurt. The humans obviously like to wear shoes. If they don't wear shoes, it is called going barefoot which, in case you are worrying, their feet do not turn into bear paws. The humans have a lot of odd quirks in their languages. I'm sure you are wondering, "why the need for any shoes in the first place?" I don't know why they like to wear shoes, but I do know that they waste way too much time on them. That time could be better spent napping or going to BK to get burgers. You may be thinking that by spending so much time with humans, we might start getting silly and want to wear shoes too. Don't worry about it. We are way too smart to ever WANT to wear shoes.

I hope all you dogs are having a wonderful bare paw weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Goes Bare Pawwed)

 

My Tribute to Reagan

February 23rd 2008 10:31 am
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I haven't mentioned anything about my candidacy for President yet so even though this isn't a campaign issue, I wanted to give a Demon Flash Bandit tribute to a very popular president, Ronald Reagan. This is a man who started out in films even being lucky enough to be in a film with a monkey (Bonzo) and ended up in politics. He started out as a Democrat, and became a Republican. I think this could be considered major flip flopping, but no one seemed to notice that switching parties is kind of hypocritical. However, I have a lot of admiration for the man. He knew that naps were a major priority and I can't fault anyone who understands the value of a good nap. I think my naps are vitally important. Most Presidents don't take them seriously enough. Things were wonderful when he was in office. There was the savings and loan scandals and the Iran Contra thing to name a couple. However, Ronnie was a nice guy so whatever happened was okay. He was also a very cool guy who was into Star Wars, and was busily making the U. S. safe from aliens. You just can't trust space people. Some of them have 5 heads and reptilian bodies. I just wanted to give a salute to a man who made it possible for me to sleep soundly knowing that aliens aren't going to abduct me in my sleep. It makes my naps more restful

Demon Flash Bandit (Reagan Admirer)

 

A Continent Will Not Fit In a Cabinet

February 22nd 2008 10:21 am
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Humans have some odd behavior patterns. Have you dogs noticed how some of them actually have china cabinets with china in them. First of all, how can you fit a continent in a cabinet. You'd think the humans would have wondered about that yet they still think they have china in there. The china they are referring to actually involves a set of dishes. The whole idea is humorous to us dogs. They have dinner plates, dessert plates, platters, gravy bowls, serving bowls, etc. All us dogs know that you only need one 2 bowls--one for water and one for eating. The china set doesn't even include the glasses for water. It does have cups and saucers for coffee which is stupid. Why do you need a plate to hold a cup? Anyway, I think the humans just create a lot of extra work for themselves when they use it. A dog can even get by without a bowl. The food can be eaten directly from the bag, can, pan, or whatever it came in. Water is always readily available in the big white watering dish in the bathroom. I loved drinking out of it when I was a puppy, but the humans seem to hate it when you do so I always drink out of my "water cooler" bowl in there. If it happens to run out of water, I let Mommy know it needs more. However, if necessary, we dogs could get our water out of there if there were no humans around to get us more. My point is that we dogs make life a lot simpler than humans do, and we are a lot happier. Humans tend to create work for themselves. It is like they don't know what to do with themselves if they aren't busy doing something unnecessary. Sure, I know some things need to be done, but very much like the china, not everything they do is necessary. I have 2 words for the humans to make their lives easier at dinner time: PAPER PLATES. My Mommy has mastered the whole paper plate idea, and we often get our grilled chicken on them. My BK is served on a lovely paper with BK written all over it.

I do admit I love watching the humans fret over silly things that a dog would never worry about. I know they can't help it. It is part of being human. They should take some lessons from us dogs. The only problem is that we dogs hate the idea of teaching because it sounds a little too much like work. Since it is Friday, most people are getting over their week of work so I hope all you dogs and your people have a nice weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wise Dog)

 

Dogs Should Be Top Priority

February 21st 2008 11:48 am
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I didn't get to write an entry yesterday because Jeff, the computer hog, was on the computer most of the day. I barked at him to get off, but he ignored me. I told you the humans are hard to train. Angel would have given him some puppy slaps of justice, but she said as long as he is on the computer she isn't having to help him with his stand up comedy. He spends way too much time on the computer writing movie scripts. I have read what he writes, and I have to report that you can tell it isn't a dog writing it. Maybe I'll write a book so I can tell Jeff that I'm busy with my book when he tries to use up MY COMPUTER time. I told Mommy that Jeff is probably on FaceBook chatting with other Trekkies about the latest Star Trek movie. I will give the kid credit, he doesn't have a one track mind, he could be chatting about Battlestar Galactica or Star Wars. I might tell you more about his activities later, but it is just too sad to list them in one entry. I don't think they make doggy prozac so I'll stop where I am. Besides, I have other things to write about.

I am very upset with the humans I live with. They go to conventions where they meet celebrities and get their autographed photos. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing it, but where is the photo of Demon from Snow Dogs. Yes, they have his photo, but did not meet him and get his paw print. They have the autograped photo of Nichelle Nichols (Uhura of the original Star Trek series). Nichelle also happened to be on one of the greatest movies of all time, Snow Dogs. She gave a talk about how much her role as Uhura had impacted society. when Mommy met her, Mommy told her that Snow Dogs had a bigger impact on her personally since Daddy fell in love with huskies after seeing that movie, and that is how I came to live with my family. She said the dogs thought they were the stars of that movie. Mommy laughed about it. I was apalled at Nichelle's ignorance particularly because she is a very intelligent and talented lady. I do think she enjoyed doing the movie and liked us dogs so I, Demon Flash Bandit, will overlook her attitude because she can't help it that she is human. The movie was called SNOW DOGS--not Dentist from Miami. Cuba Gooding was just someone for the dogs to knock down. He even had problems with the local bears. The dogs were obviously the stars. From the first time, that blue eyed hero, Demon, came on stage, the audience was in love. Who could reisist such a handsome husky? Despite his outstanding performance, he wasn't even nominated for an Oscar for best actor. Johnny Depp should have gotten the Oscar for the first Pirates movie, but he can at least say he was nominated. Demon didn't even get to go to the ceremony. I mean no disrespect to Johhny Depp (Angel thinks he is handsome), but he is not D J Cody. The actor who played Demon is Angel's cousin. I can only add that Angel should act more like her cousin and quit bugging me. She should be spending her time knocking down the local dentist which no one will mind because most sane people hate their dentist anyway. Nana, the border collie was also a very nice dog, and she was even allowed to pull a sled by the end of the movie. It was truly heart-warming to see how much she wanted to be a sled dog.

On the subject of movies, I believe Demon also played the part of Max in Eight Below which shows the versatility of his talent. He went from playing the lead dog to a puppy who was so endearing that you just wanted to rescue him. I felt the humans who left those poor dogs there should have been puppy slapped. They could have put them in the helicopter and left some of the stupid equipment. The dogs were heroes, and yet the "stuff" was more important to the humans in charge. In the first place, who is going to steal it? How many humans hang out in that area. There were a few birds, but birds steal snow--not scientific equipment. They have their standards. Anyway, the man who loved the dogs never gave up, and it wasn't his fault they were left behind. If I were hiim, I would have quit working for those idiots before the dogs were ever in danger. I am mentioning this because so many humans have their priorities all messed up. Their dogs and family should come first, but they put their career first, and then they wonder why they are depressed and lonely. You don't see a dog fretting over a job. We are too smart for that.

I don't want to leave out other dog breeds. I really loved Underdog, Firehouse Dog, and I really loved both Shasta (the husky), and the 5 golden retreivers in Snow Buddies. Those were 6 adorable puppies. It was such an inspiring story that it should get an Oscar for Best Picture. I'm sure the humans won't choose it. I think they know the movies starring dogs are better than the ones starring humans and it scares the tails off the humans. I can prove it because if you look at humans, they have no tails. You know their tails were scared off because we dogs are so much smarter and more talented.

I hope you dogs will enjoy a dog movie sometime this week, and, when you watch movies starring humans, try not to be too critical. They can't help it that they aren't as enjoyable as the ones with us dogs. The humans do try, and they are so cute when they try.

Demon Flash Bandit (Lover of Dog Movies)

 
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