Training your human.

Well pups, I haven't added an entry for awhile. I've been busy with attempting to not only train my human, but also the annoying foster dogs she is dragging home. If any pups have any suggestions on how to train my human to not drag home every mangy mongrel she sees, send a message my way. I'm tired of sharing her attention.

But today's training advice is how to get the next best thing after runs and people food - belly rubs. I am quite certain that there is no better way to be pet than a good ole foot-kickin' belly rub. The best ones are the ones that you get so happy that you have to attempt to sneeze your brains out. And I mean the sneezes that you have to stand up and yet you still almost hit your head on the floor. Yep - belly rubs and sneezes are like peanut butter and jelly. One is not the same without the other, and you can never have a enough.

I've found good belly rubs difficult to get because the good ones require that my human sit on the floor, use both hands, and talk stupid. In other words, it requires a lot of concentration on the part of the human. I've found the best way to start this is by getting my human to play fetch or tug with a toy while she is standing. They I keep dropping the toy at her feet. Eventually, she figures out it would be easier just to sit on the floor instead of bending over to pick up the toy. This is when I refuse to fetch a thrown toy. Instead I stand and look tired as she says 'get it' over and over. I then casually sit in front of her and wait until she gives up on fetch and starts petting me. This usually doesn't take long because my cutie-pie face screams "you wanna pet me".

Now pups, here's the crucial moment. As your human is petting you, you must twist your body as you lie down so that you go from a seated position to belly rub position without ever actually lying down first. And you must do this in a very nonchalant manner while still maintaining a cute look. Timing is everything here. Too slow and your human may pick up their hand and stop petting because they realize they are no longer petting your head. Too quick - you risk the human realizing that you are up to something.

Once you are in position and your human is petting your tummy, you now have to get them to give you an actual two-handed belly rub. I've found wiggling quite effective. It usually is so incredibly cute that no human can resist rubbing more so you will wiggle more. Then you kick the leg and suddenly they start talking to you. Now you are getting the ultimate belly rub.

Eventually you may feel like your head will explode with happiness. This is when you have to sneeze. This may require you to stand up and stop the belly rub, but if you don't sneeze, your head will explode and then there will be no more belly rubs.

And no more belly rubs would be like no more food or runs - life wouldn't be worth living. Belly rubs forever!

But I must sign off. Take care pups.

And remember to let your human believe they're in control. A human with a big ego is a human that can not understand reality.

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