1 year after your gone...

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April 14th 2012 9:33 pm
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One this day one year, 365 days ago, we made the toughest decision in our lives. We had to let you go, you were suffering and it wasn't fair to you. Turner I miss you so much it hurts. I still cry and wish I could have you with me. It wasn't fair the way it all went down. You were supposed to live until you were old. I could handle that. But 7? No that wasn't fair at all. I think about the last week we had with you. After the 2nd surgery. How I just knew it would be bad news. And sure enough, when I came home from work there was Dad downstairs. When I got home Grandma said it wasn't good news. I went downstairs and all your dad said was, "why? why did you have to be right about this one." I told in the morning when I left for work him that I just had a feeling that it was going to be bad. I knew it, the last time I saw you, the light in your eyes was gone. I knew it was over, but didn't want to believe it until I heard the biopsy results. Cancer, nothing more can be done, loaded with masses, the end result will be the same and worst off - suffering. You did not deserve to be in any more pain. You were my best friend, we spent so much time together while dad was at work. We traveled from Florida and Texas to the north all the time. You were the best road dog I ever knew. I always felt safe with you beside me. Dad knew it too, he didn't worry as long as I took you along.

Now I live with the guilt that you suffered. That was why I couldn't hold you when you took your last breath. For as long as I live I will regret that. I was so shocked that I was really going to lose you forever that I just couldn't be there. Your dad, having seen so much death inside the prison walls looked at me and cried, he couldn't handle anymore loss of life. Especially yours. After we gave permission to have you pts we cried for hours, days, months and yes a year.

I didn't eat for 3-4 days afterwards. I was so numb. I couldn't believe what happened. How could you be gone. The house was silent. Darcy was like a lost ghost. What was I going to do now? Then I started to go through your file. And I realized that you weren't give a fair chance. I found a lump, had the other vet remove it. He hurt you, and I swore he would never touch you again. And he didn't. He failed both you and me. And I am making sure he never fails someone and their companion again. I gathered your information like it was an investigation at work. Got all of the paperwork, photos - evidence together and got pissed off. If there is one thing about me, once I'm angry, not mad, angry, I do not quit. Once I got your ashes back I started. I filed a formal complaint with the licensing board. It took quite some time, but 2 investigators came to the house to interview me and dad. 2 1/2 hours later they left, shaking their heads in disbelief. Now there is a prosecutor assigned to your case. I'm calling on Monday for my latest follow-up. This person failed us and he will be held responsible. When the investigator asked if I would come to Harrisburg for a hearing and I agreed he actually smiled. Like they've been after this guy and nobody would go the distance. I told the investigator that I'm patient, my dog is dead and I'm not going to rest until he is stopped.

My only saving grace is that I found Dr. Mount and her staff. You loved them and they found the Turner-man's magic irresistable. They were completely understanding about me and dad not being there for you at your last breath. They were very honest with us from the beginning, never promising a miracle - yet they hoped as did us. We just weren't lucky and loss you on April 15, 2011 - the worst day of our lives. I waited until Midnight to write this as I will not be on-line during this day at all. I don't want to read this and be reminded of my real feelings, for they hurt till this day like they did a year ago.

I miss you Turner, I think about all of the things we did together and smile. But the loneliness can be overbearing sometimes. We have Grunt now - he's nothing like you. Which I guess is good, because there will never be another Turner. He keeps me company and is learning to alert if something isn't right. But it's not the same, it will never be the same and that sucks.

I'm going to sleep now. I finally stopped having bad dreams about you and just remember the good times we had. I love you and miss you so much it hurts...

Hugs...

Mom

Leave A Comment | 10 people already have

Barked by: Merlin (In loving memory) (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 1:30 am

My heart really goes out to you Turners Mum, I know exactly how you feel. I miss my boy Merlin every single day and I don't mind admitting I often shed a silent tear for him.

Merlin's Daddy

Barked by: Droopy, Forever in my heart (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 1:40 am

i know i don't have to tell you how i feel your pain deep in my heart.. you know what a mess i am over losing droopy..
it does suck, it sucks so bad to lose your best friend, especially when it just comes out of the blue, no warnings.. way to young!! you have to keep telling yourself that turner is smiling down on you, hes still watching over you, loving you everyday & he knows, HE KNOWS, how much you love him!!
i'll write more later, you know, i'm just at a loss for words.. there really are no words to ease this pain u r feeling..i know.. believe me, i know..
just know that i care deeply for you & i'm here if you want to talk, scream, CRY, i'm here for you..
talk soon.. i'm so, so very sorry... love lori

Barked by: ❀ Whitley ❀ (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 2:14 am

Sending your family big hugs.

Barked by: Riley (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 6:19 am

We're thinking of Turner today. His spirit lives on in you, in all of us. You keep it alive. Many of us on Dogster know the loss of our companion, you are not alone. We all send our love and support.

Run, play and love from the Bridge, sweet Turner. Your love knows no boundaries.

Barked by: Flicka ~ CGC (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 7:14 am

Never for one second think that YOU failed.. you NEVER did.

The 'guilt" lingers.... but the love we gave is the real and TRUE evidence. The love they gave back is the magic.

Do what you need to do... but KNOW that Turner hasnt left you... as long as you live and breath he will be there for you.... all our Beloved Furs are.

Love and Hugsss

Flicka ∆,,∆ & Lucas /..| Cleo (I.M.) ∆,,∆ & Pam X

"May you see with eyes of light in everdark,
May your mind walk free and unfettered amongst all,
Touching wisely and well.
May you go in peace."

Gayle Greeno

Barked by: Khloe - In Loving Memory (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 11:21 am

Hugs to you...

Barked by: Petey (Dogster Member)

April 15th 2012 at 1:41 pm

Thinking of Turner today, hugs to you all

Barked by: Turner - Gone Too Soon (Dogster Member)

April 16th 2012 at 7:33 pm

Thank you everyone for your kinds words. They mean so much. The fact that I can let it out and not be judged but understood means the world to me. My friends on Dogster are the reason I've moved forward - learned to cope with losing Turner - thank you everyone for your love and words...

Lya

Barked by: Monty (Dogster Member)

April 16th 2012 at 8:06 pm

Sending you lots of love.

Also know that you never failed Turner. Turner knew you loved him and he loved you back so there is no way you failed him. Turner will always be with you in your heart and in your memories. There is a really pretty poem that you should read.

Where To Bury A Dog

by Ben Hur Lampman

There are various places within which a dog may be buried. We are thinking now of a setter, whose coat was flame in the sunshine, and who, so far as we are aware, never entertained a mean or an unworthy thought. This setter is buried beneath a cherry tree, under four feet of garden loam, and at its proper season the cherry strews petals on the green lawn of his grave. Beneath a cherry tree, or an apple, or any flowering shrub of the garden, is an excellent place to bury a good dog. Beneath such trees, such shrubs, he slept in the drowsy summer, or gnawed at a flavorous bone, or lifted head to challenge some strange intruder. These are good places, in life or in death. Yet it is a small matter, and it touches sentiment more than anything else.

For if the dog be well remembered, if sometimes he leaps through your dreams actual as in life, eyes kindling, questing, asking, laughing, begging, it matters not at all where that dog sleeps at long and at last. On a hill where the wind is unrebuked and the trees are roaring, or beside a stream he knew in puppyhood, or somewhere in the flatness of a pasture land, where most exhilarating cattle graze. It is all one to the dog, and all one to you, and nothing is gained, and nothing lost -- if memory lives. But there is one best place to bury a dog. One place that is best of all.

If you bury him in this spot, the secret of which you must already have, he will come to you when you call -- come to you over the grim, dim frontiers of death, and down the well-remembered path, and to your side again. And though you call a dozen living dogs to heel they should not growl at him, nor resent his coming, for he is yours and he belongs there.

People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper pitched too fine for mere audition, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them then, for you shall know something that is hidden from them, and which is well worth the knowing.

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master.

I feel that having him in your heart is the best place for him right now.