A million miles away :(

Two years ago today we got the word. You were filled with cancer and that you were suffering. Me and dad were in total shock. There was no way you deserved to suffer. To be in any kind of pain. I told Dr. Mount that you should be put to sleep. But I told her something I will regret for the rest of my life. That I couldn't be there. I love you so much and you were too young to let go in my mind. I couldn't do it, couldn't see the light leave you. And I live with this regret forever. It kills me to this day - the shame that I have. You were held by the girls at the office when you passed. They loved you and you adored them. My life will never be the same since you. I didn't eat for 3 days, had no feelings, felt that I couldn't breathe. You went everywhere with me, people who were afraid of pitbulls met you and said what a sweet dog. How loving! You were made me a better person. Dad didn't know what to do either. He dove back into work. Me I just sat and cried with emptiness. Darcy was lost, so quiet, she knew. She had lost other friends while in rescue. They died right in front of her. She knew the loss as well. Then it happened. The reflection, the realization that you had been wronged. I got pissed. So angry when I looked back - hind sight is 20/20. I pulled out your folder, Lord knows I keep everything. And I started to see where things went wrong. I was pissed. I was focused, something could've been done so you didn't suffer. It all started with the first surgery. He was wrong! He had wronged others, there were loads of people who had been through the same thing, and I said enough. When the investigators left, shaking their heads in disbelief I felt like I could start to breathe. He would be held accountable, someone listened and agreed, where it all started - was handled wrong. And so your case was opened. We're still pending - almost 2 years later, but pending is a good thing when it comes to the court. I know one day I'll get a call from the prosecutor to report before the judge/committee/whatever. And I will be there, pictures and files in hand. And I hope to look him in the eye and say - you never gave me an option and Turner suffered. I'm so sorry that you did suffer, it wasn't right. We've done so much for other dogs in our lives, yet you suffered. You, my best friend, my road dog, my companion, my tell-all and you listened friend. For that I am so sorry, for not being their for your last breath I'm so sorry. Miss you... :( Love you :( Mom :(_ _ _

Merry Christmas Mr. Man

Miss you Turner.. Merry Christmas...

Love Mom

New Photos for your Case

Today is our 19th anniversary, your dad and me. I was on the computer looking at my memory sticks for a picture of us to post on FB. I found pictures from when you got home from your first surgery. God they are horrible. I called the prosecutors office to see if I could add the pictures as evidence to your case. They said no problem. Of course I printed them out and wrote the letter. Dad is picking up an evelope tonight and I will send them certified tomorrow. I'm so sorry you suffered because of that man.

I came to work and a friend of mine was having their pup spayed tomorrow at the same vet. Needless to say after your dad and I got done talking to her she called and had the appointment cancelled. I told you I will do all I can to make sure he NEVER hurts another animal again.

Love you Turner.

Mom

Memories :(

Your grandpa came up to go hunting. When he was coming out of the woods yesterday I was outside. I remembered the last time he was here to hunt. You ran up the hill to greet him. I have a picture on your page. You made sure he made it down the hill safely. I got in my truck and tried to look busy, I started to sob because at that moment I missed you so much it hurt! Grandpa misses you to. I took Grunt and Darcy to the kennel because after you left us grandpa doesn't like Grunt. Which makes me sad also. Wish you were here buddy I miss you so much...

I have a friend at work who rescued a female pitbull that was chained and never played with. He needed a coat for her and I gave him your blue camo coat. It fits her well and she's warm. Thank you!

Love you Mr. Man....

Update on your case...

Interesting, I called like I do occassionally with the licensing board in Harrisburg to do a follow-up on your case. I talked to a real nice man who asked me loads of verifying questions. Once he was satisfied that I was the person who filed the case he asked how he could help me. I told him that the case has been pending for over a year and I call occassionally to make sure the case is still active. He stated to me, oh yes, your case is VERY active. That in July there were several entries and that the case is still moving forward. I was so glad to hear that news! I told him that I was advised it may take 2 years to get the case to go to a hearing. He said it's possible but there was alot of activity on our case. I thanked him and he stated sorry for your loss... that I didn't expect. He said he had been through a similar situation and that he understood where I was coming from. I told him my dog is dead, I'm mad and have plenty of time and patience to make sure this guy never does what he did again.

And so, we still wait.... patiently.

Happy Birthday Mr. Man - Wish You Were Here!

You would've been 9 today. You came to me without a birthday, so I gave you the same day as mine. We were so connected that it felt like the right thing to do. You've been gone 1 year 1 month and 10 day - it still sucks. Bad. :( I wish there was more I could've done for you but luck wasn't on my side. I miss you Turner, had a cocktail and a toast to your birthday. You were the one and only Turner in my life - Happy Birtday Turner, Love You... Mom...

Last night...

I was sleeping at grandma and grandpas. When I thought I heard you lick. That was your signal to me to lift the blanket so you could crawl under and curl. When I realized you weren't there I was freaked out. It was 4 am. I paced the porches until I calmed down. Missing you Mr. Man..

Mom...

1 year after your gone...

One this day one year, 365 days ago, we made the toughest decision in our lives. We had to let you go, you were suffering and it wasn't fair to you. Turner I miss you so much it hurts. I still cry and wish I could have you with me. It wasn't fair the way it all went down. You were supposed to live until you were old. I could handle that. But 7? No that wasn't fair at all. I think about the last week we had with you. After the 2nd surgery. How I just knew it would be bad news. And sure enough, when I came home from work there was Dad downstairs. When I got home Grandma said it wasn't good news. I went downstairs and all your dad said was, "why? why did you have to be right about this one." I told in the morning when I left for work him that I just had a feeling that it was going to be bad. I knew it, the last time I saw you, the light in your eyes was gone. I knew it was over, but didn't want to believe it until I heard the biopsy results. Cancer, nothing more can be done, loaded with masses, the end result will be the same and worst off - suffering. You did not deserve to be in any more pain. You were my best friend, we spent so much time together while dad was at work. We traveled from Florida and Texas to the north all the time. You were the best road dog I ever knew. I always felt safe with you beside me. Dad knew it too, he didn't worry as long as I took you along.

Now I live with the guilt that you suffered. That was why I couldn't hold you when you took your last breath. For as long as I live I will regret that. I was so shocked that I was really going to lose you forever that I just couldn't be there. Your dad, having seen so much death inside the prison walls looked at me and cried, he couldn't handle anymore loss of life. Especially yours. After we gave permission to have you pts we cried for hours, days, months and yes a year.

I didn't eat for 3-4 days afterwards. I was so numb. I couldn't believe what happened. How could you be gone. The house was silent. Darcy was like a lost ghost. What was I going to do now? Then I started to go through your file. And I realized that you weren't give a fair chance. I found a lump, had the other vet remove it. He hurt you, and I swore he would never touch you again. And he didn't. He failed both you and me. And I am making sure he never fails someone and their companion again. I gathered your information like it was an investigation at work. Got all of the paperwork, photos - evidence together and got pissed off. If there is one thing about me, once I'm angry, not mad, angry, I do not quit. Once I got your ashes back I started. I filed a formal complaint with the licensing board. It took quite some time, but 2 investigators came to the house to interview me and dad. 2 1/2 hours later they left, shaking their heads in disbelief. Now there is a prosecutor assigned to your case. I'm calling on Monday for my latest follow-up. This person failed us and he will be held responsible. When the investigator asked if I would come to Harrisburg for a hearing and I agreed he actually smiled. Like they've been after this guy and nobody would go the distance. I told the investigator that I'm patient, my dog is dead and I'm not going to rest until he is stopped.

My only saving grace is that I found Dr. Mount and her staff. You loved them and they found the Turner-man's magic irresistable. They were completely understanding about me and dad not being there for you at your last breath. They were very honest with us from the beginning, never promising a miracle - yet they hoped as did us. We just weren't lucky and loss you on April 15, 2011 - the worst day of our lives. I waited until Midnight to write this as I will not be on-line during this day at all. I don't want to read this and be reminded of my real feelings, for they hurt till this day like they did a year ago.

I miss you Turner, I think about all of the things we did together and smile. But the loneliness can be overbearing sometimes. We have Grunt now - he's nothing like you. Which I guess is good, because there will never be another Turner. He keeps me company and is learning to alert if something isn't right. But it's not the same, it will never be the same and that sucks.

I'm going to sleep now. I finally stopped having bad dreams about you and just remember the good times we had. I love you and miss you so much it hurts...

Hugs...

Mom

10 months yesterday.

Not a good day when I think of you. I cannot believe it's been 10 months. I miss my boy. Darcy is doing really well. She actually let me rub her ears and rolled on her side... I was thrilled. Grunt passed his STAR classs. He's doing really well and makes me laugh.

10 months, 10 freakin months - just sucks Turner...

Dog of the Day!! Yippeee!!

Thanks Dogster for having me as Dog of the Day!! I love Dogster and all of my friends here! This is the BEST place to laugh, cry and have an overall good time!

Have a great day everyone!!! :):):)