July 3rd 2006 4:26 pm
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I just want to write about my brother Pauli. He died when we were only puppies. He was the best brother anyone could have. He was so cute and so funny and so kind to me. I didn't really believe he was dead. He was playing and running and laughing with that wonderful "buf buf" he used to do and then he just lay down and didn't get up. We thought he was playing a joke. My auntie said he had "kennel cough". I can't forget him. When I think about him, I just have to put something in my mouth and carry it around, like a toy or a doll or a bone. This is his memory in my mouth. I taste him inside, I smell him in my innermost places. He runs with me when I sleep and he barks to me when I am awake. I will never forget him. Please just pick up a bone or toy and carry it around today, just for a little while, and think of my brother Pauli.

In the photo, that is me looking for my brother right after he died. Can you see the puzzle in my eyes? The confusion? Maybe something in me died that day, as I never really recovered.

Thanks for listening.

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