November 21st 2005 11:34 pm
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So, it has come to my attention that not every being on the planet is clear about the fact that I am THE Center of the Universe. The Center, with a capital "c", as in the one and only. Are we clear now? Okay, good. Now that we all understand that what I say goes, without question, let's get a few ground rules straight.
If you are an human:
1) Yes, I am the most handsome dog you have ever seen. Thank you for noticing. Interrupting my walk to tell me how handsome I am is not only unnecessary ... it is also a minor annoyance. Please wait until you see me stop to mark some territory before stopping Mom and me. I am going somewhere important, at all times.
2) Once you have found an appropriate pause in which to admire me, please feel free to do so. I like it. A lot. Besides, it is only fitting that you admire the Center of the Universe.
3) While admiring me, please do not assume I like having my head patted (aka smacked) just because I'm a smallish dog. I don't. If I deem you worthy, I assure you that I will come up to you and position myself to accept a worshipful stroke or two from you, before walking away. If I don't come to you, don't come to me ... I have clearly rated you as unworthy. And again, never, never pat my head. How degrading.
4) Treats are always welcome, but try not to take offense when I take that milkbone and hide it in a potted plant. That is my way of trying not to hurt your feelings. I do not eat "dog treats" nor do I acknowledge that I'm a "dog." Offerings of chicken breast or steamed vegetables will, however, be consumed on the spot.
Ground rules for other species to follow. :) Thank you for taking this time to go over the rules of living on my planet. Really, these rules are for your own good. They'll make your life easier and happier. I promise. :)
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