When it comes to this year’s hottest Halloween item, there is no contest — it’s the skeleton dog. If you’ve been cruising the aisles of any big-box store recently, you’ll have already seen this boney beast, likely standing guard on the shelves. They come in a variety of breeds — Beagles and Dachshunds are proving popular — but can we really be sure that the skeleton dog is a friend and not a foe to mankind?
Here’s your guide to surviving or embracing the skeleton dog apocalypse. Chose wisely.
Know thy enemy
The skeleton dog comes in a variety of different shapes, each of them mimicking a common canine breed. The one pictured here is a Beagle Bonez. Shudder appropriately.
Friend or foe?
Despite appearing to be part of the canine family, the skeleton dog has not yet been confirmed to share a kinship with the classic Earth dog. I like to think the video above, starring a brave foot soldier named Cooper, offers conclusive proof that both canines and humans alike should be wary of the skeleton dog.
Stay on your guard
See what I was saying? This unwitting Welsh Terrier has been cornered by three blood-curdling skeleton dogs. Let us not dwell on what happens next.
The Achilles’ heel
However, this plucky Dachshund appears to be exploiting a flaw in the skeleton dog’s makeup by sniff-attacking it on the blind side. Hope can spring from the unlikeliest sources.
This government-issued photograph can be used as a handy guide to identifying skeleton dogs. As you can see, they are often smaller and less furry than their traditional canine counterparts. It would be prudent to print the image and carry it around in your wallet for easy reference.
Let’s all take a moment to applaud this French Bulldog, who is smartly keeping his distance from his skeletal doppelgänger. Safety is key.
With the skeleton dog invasion still in its infancy, it is not yet known what the eerie creatures’ grand plan is. Although this propaganda snap suggests that a full-on skeleton takeover of Earth as we know it is certainly an option.
The mess around
Of course, the nuclear skeleton family is not exactly known for a tidy upkeep of their lawn. Do you really want to live in a world that looks like this ramshackle scene?
Protect your neck
While the skeleton dog is certainly something to be feared at the moment, early research suggests that under the right conditions they can be trained to be remarkably vigilant guard pooches. The housebroken Beagle here is showing great potential for safeguarding a real smorgasbord of holiday decorations. Maybe the future is not to be feared after all.
Have you experienced a run-in with a skeleton dog this Halloween? Let us know below in the comments!
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About the author: Phillip Mlynar writes about cats, music, food, and sometimes a mix of all three. He considers himself the world’s foremost expert on rappers’ cats.