Editor’s Note: Welcome to the first installment of our weekly Fake Dog News column. We figure dog news can be so serious, and there’s plenty of room to Onion it up. Do not be alarmed, none of the events recounted below are real.
On Tuesday, brand-new dog mom Crissy Lawton photographed her shelter dog’s first poop: A medium-sized brown deposit in a curlicue design, which was delivered onto the front lawn of next-door neighbor Jillian McSorley astride the azaleas.
The defecation took place at approximately 2:30 p.m. Crissy reportedly dashed home to gather her family and bring them over. There they stood, admiring the poop, until Timmy, age seven, broke the moment by saying he was going back inside to watch Power Rangers.
Crissy’s uncle Jeff, who had come over to the house immediately prior to the defecation, pointed out a breech in the middle of the poop and indicated that it had nearly fractured upon disembarkation from the colon of the dog but ultimately retained solidity and thus was delivered whole.
Timmy’s sister Stacey, 15, then returned to the house.
Crissy posted the picture of the poop to her Facebook page, saying, “My dog Jack’s first poop!!!!” It received 183 likes and one comment from her 257 friends.
“I would get that dog on a grain-free diet straight away, Crissy,” wrote former high-school sweetheart Doug Parker, who had recently reconnected with Crissy after 24 years of no contact.
Though Crissy has a Twitter and an Instagram account, she did not post the photo of the five-year-old Pug’s poop to those outlets, primarily due her inability to remember the passwords. She also sent the picture of the poop to her mother, her aunt, and everyone at her workplace, Sears, via email attachment.
This was the first poop delivered by Jack since he was brought home from Woofs Rescue, where Crissy adopted the dog. Upon leaving the shelter with the Pug, who she renamed Jack in the parking lot, she reportedly asked shelter worker Angela Tyler whether the dog had taken “his poops” today.
Tyler, who has worked at the shelter for five years, replied, “I don’t know.”
So it was a happy surprise for Crissy, on their initial walk together after returning home, when Jack squatted in the neighbor’s yard for the first time.
“It was the cutest little poops,” said Crissy. “I was screaming and running around the yard, trying to get the camera to work. [Neighbor] Jillian thought I was nuts, especially when I brought the family over to look at it.”
“It was his special poop. If you don’t have a dog you wouldn’t understand. I was so proud of Jack. I was so proud of his first poop,” Crissy said. “Would you like to see it again?”
As of press time, the first poop is still sitting in the yard, according to neighbor Jillian, who is looking at it from her front window and playing out revenge fantasies.
“Dog crap does a number on car paint, doesn’t it?” Jillian said to this reporter, blowing cigarette smoke at the windowpane.