What if Dogs Were in the Olympics?

Beset by a fever over the games, we hallucinate what they would be like if dogs were allowed in them. It can happen.


Have you caught Olympic fever yet? We have, and we’re dizzy and hallucinating and about to fall over. Here’s what we think are the top seven events for dogs in the Olympics.

1. Shot Put

Wasn’t a Bulldog just born to throw the shot put? Sadly, no. Dogs don’t have opposable thumbs, so they don’t throw the shot put so much as nudge it along the pitch until an official runs over blowing a whistle and waving his arms. But one Bulldog learned to overcome the thumb issue, throwing the shot put more than 72 feet at the Olympic trials in June, making him the “top dog” in the London games. His name is Reese Hoffa, and he’s a good boy, with 312 pounds of pure muscle and a forever home in Athens, Georgia; he also has a wife (?) and plans to start a family (??) after the games. Keep an eye on this … dog.

Moving on!

2. 50-Yard Dash

You’d think we’d give this one to the Greyhounds, but really, haven’t Greyhounds had enough of people asking them to run? Every day it’s all, “Oh, you’re a Greyhound? How’s the running today?” It never stops. We’re incessant. How about we give the Greyhounds a break and hand this one to the Border Collies? A Border Collie would run to Mars and back if you so much as glanced up at the planet.

3. Boxing

Is there any breed more suited to standing on its hind legs and punching a welterweight until he falls over than a Boxer? Someone should ask Bob Costas that question during the opening ceremonies.

4. Tug of War

Once a Pit Bull chomps into a three-coil IOC regulation Tug of War rope, you think he’s ever letting go? Personally, I’d like to see six good-sized Pits up against the fearsome Korab Deguute, the Finn who sent Germany’s first-hander Klaus Hauteweiner keister-over-teakettle into the mud four years ago in Beijing and crushed Germany’s 60-year reign on “the rope,” sending the country into a ruinous financial panic.

I love Olympic Tug of War so much.

5. Swimming

In a perfect world, we’d like to see 50 to 60 dogs lined up at the edge of the pool — Retrievers, Terriers, Pomeranians, Shih Tzus, a full AKC spread — next to Michael Phelps, who is unwittingly wearing a bacon hat. This wouldn’t be a swimming race so much as the opening scene in Meatballs IV: Swim Camp.

6. Actual Swimming

As much as we’d like to see Meatballs IV, with a cameo by Bill Murray playing a wacky swim coach with a drinking problem, we do agree that dogs should at least compete. These four dogs will do nicely. The humans in the race are eight lengths back, all but forgotten by announcer Bob Costas, who is so caught up in the human story of these four dogs that he breaks down and sobs at the end, never to recover.

7. Post-Event Fornications

Have you read about the fornications that goes on in the Olympic Village after the athletes finish their events? Did you know that officials are providing 150,000 condoms for these Olympic fornications? No? Well, clear your schedule and click here.

[10 to 30 minutes pass]

Welcome back! Obviously, dogs would excel at any number of these fornications, don’t you think? In the hallways, in the bathrooms, in the dimmed cafeterias, and behind the boxwoods, the dogs could easily match the competitors, position for position, fornication for fornication, putting up amazing numbers all through the exhausing night until all that remained was a half a can of Fanta and the fading cry of a whippoorwill, sadly calling forth the dawn.

In the words of Bob Costas, It’s time to get your butt on a plane, don’t you think?

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