Volunteering to raise money for an animal shelter by walking four miles — that’s great, right? Getting out, enjoying the fresh air, bringing along your adorable Pug — that sounds lovely, am I right? The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining, this is going to be so much fun, AM I RIGHT?
What could possibly go wrong with my amazing plan?
Well, let me tell you.
Yay! We are starting! I’ve been looking forward to this for so long. I’ve got my walking shoes on, I ate a protein- and carbohydrate-balanced diet, and I’ve got my adorable little Pug at my side. Yay! So much fun!
Oh, look. A vendor booth. Yay! They are handing out water bottles to the walkers. I like water bottles! Pens? Sure, I’ll take a few. Why not? I like pens. Frisbee? Of course I want a Frisbee. I’m walking this walk and would very much like a free Frisbee. Yay! Free stuff!
I am so smart. This was the best idea ever. I’m walking the walk, the Pug is getting some much-needed exercise, I’ve got a bag filled with awesome free stuff, and we are raising money! Best. Idea. Ever. I’m so smart, yay!
Pug stops to pee. Okay, no worries, we will just catch up to our group.
Seriously, come on. They are trees. Just pick one.
Seriously, I’m not kidding. Just pick one already.
No, not pick five, pick one. Our entire group has left us.
I’m not sure where my group is, but who cares because I see another vendor table in the distance and it looks like they are handing out flashlights! Come on, little Puggie, let’s run — momma loves flashlights!
Okay, Pug, I know that it took me a minute to pick out the flashlight of my color choice, but it’s time to get up now and start walking.
Seriously, get up.
Like seriously, seriously, get up.
Listen, Pug. I can’t actually drag you on this leash because not only might it choke you, but people are staring at us, so like you seriously need to get up. Like now. Like right now.
Want a cookie?
Oh good, you’re up.
Why are you lying down again? We ran like 20 steps, if even that much. You can’t possibly be tired already.
Why are you making snorting noises that sound like you are dying?
Like seriously, why are you breathing like that?
No, really, I did see a cookie over there, I promise. No, not by the tree, on the sidewalk, like a mile away. Right by that big sign that says “Finish.” Let’s go there. Now.
Oh, you’re peeing again; on 11 different trees. Okay, well, can you even see our group anymore? Because I can’t. You’re the one with the 360-degree eyeballs — can you see them?
Seriously, where is everyone? Are we even going the right way anymore? I don’t see anyone, and I don’t see any street markers.
Why are you lying down again? This is no time for a nap, we are LOST, Puggie! We are lost, and everyone is getting to the vendor tables before ME! I want a free T-shirt, and they are going to be all gone!
Are you happy? Does this make you happy? I don’t care if you are 11 inches tall — you are HEAVY. I will give in and carry you, but only until we find our group.
Whose idea was it to get this stupid water bottle anyways? It’s heavy. You’re heavy. Your fur is getting in my mouth, and my back hurts.
I’m putting you down, and as soon as we get home you are going on a diet. This is ridiculous. Did you know you weighed so much? My back hurts, I have your hair in my eyes, and I’m pretty sure you fell asleep for a few minutes in my arms, which are now numb, thank you very much.
You are peeing again? You are going to the vet tomorrow. This cannot be normal.
Are you even actually peeing or are you just pretending to pee on all those trees?
Can we puh-leez just get walking!?
Why are you lying down? Seriously, this is not even cool. I am not even kidding. You and I are about to have relationship issues, buddy. Let’s just remember who buys the treats in this family, mmmkay?
Pleeeease, please, please just get up! Please? I’ll buy you a bully stick or a rawhide or a new squeaky teddy just PUH LEEZE get up!?
I can’t believe you. Seriously, I can’t believe this. I give you a good home, a place on the couch, a yard. I put booties on your feet when it snows, and I never leave you out of the family Christmas card, and THIS is how you repay me!? Sure there was that one time with the whole neutering thing, but still!
This is a charity walk for YOUR SPECIES, and I’m CARRYING your lazy butt!
NO TREATS FOR YOU.
Another vendor table! Who the hell wants all this junk? No, I do not want a stress ball! DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED A FREE STRESS BALL!? In fact, HERE! I’m going to give you a free Frisbee and a free flashlight because who on earth wants to lug all this crap around with them anyways!
Well, there you go, Mr. Pug. I hope you are happy. We made it the entire way. We raised $30.
Oh, look, you’re awake.
Well, aren’t you in a good mood? Tail wagging, tongue hanging out?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Oh, hell no, I’m not taking you for a walk, we are going STRAIGHT to the car, buddy. So glad we had all this bonding time together. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go make an emergency chiropractor appointment that will cost me $150.
Next year I’m just mailing my donation in.
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About the author: Eden Strong is a quirky young woman with a love for most animals with fur. She readily admits to living her life completely devoid of most social graces, and so far she’s still alive. More of her crazy antics can be read on her blog, It Is Not My Shame to Bear.