In our post earlier about the San Francisco SPCA’s awesome dog condom campaign, we left out a crucial bit of information. We didn’t tell you how to put the dog condom on. But don’t worry, we’ll make it up to you.
1. Turn the lights down low.
2. Put on some Three Dog Night and whisper, “Good boy.”
3. Open the dog condom and leave it out for a while so the he can get used to it.
4. Ask the dog how he’s feeling. Can you get him a pillow? A meatball?
5. Tell the dog he looks nice.
6. Tell him to stop sniffing the condom because it’s freaking you out.
7. Close your eyes. You will complete the remaining parts of this guide with your eyes closed. You really don’t want to see this.
8. Now, hold out your hand, wiggle your fingers and start reaching for stuff.
9. Don’t be shy. You know what you’re looking for. I mean, you’ll know it when you feel it.
10. No, that’s not it. Let go of the cat.
11. Ask yourself, am I holding something that feels like a toaster? If so, you’re holding a toaster. Stop putting a condom on a toaster.
12. Nope, that’s a lamp.
13. Chair leg.
14. TV remote.
15. Veal cutlet.
16. Light bulb — and it’s on!
17. Pretend to quit and start walking away, then turn around quickly and grab what’s in front of you.;
18. Put the damn condom on the dog already. You’re an adult.
19. Congratulations, you’ve put a condom on your dog’s nose!
20. Make an appointment with the vet to get your dog fixed.
Now go read about dog condoms!