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A Pet Store Puppy For Suri? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, You Can Do Better Than That

Spotted: Suri Cruise sobbing in a pet store because Katie Holmes wouldn't buy her a puppy. Could this be a job for a shelter dog?

 |  Jul 19th 2012  |   12 Contributions


Did you see the photos last week of Suri Cruise tearfully looking at puppies at a pet store? No? You didn't see them? What's wrong with you? That was a choice piece of center-cut pop culture. You got a job or something?  

Truthfully, it has us a bit worried. If Suri Cruise wants a puppy from a puppy store, then that means Suri's daddy is going to want a puppy from a puppy store, and there's not much that can stop Tom Cruise besides a well-executed escape plan and a crack legal team. 

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Illustration by Nigel Sussman

We fear this might get more people thinking about buying puppies from pet stores instead of where they should be getting them: shelters (editor's note: or reputable breeders). Hell, we wouldn't be surprised if backyard breeders are working up a Suri breed right now (half Maltese, half Staffordshire Bull Terrier, one dab dragon's blood), or if Petland opens 15 more stores on the Eastern seaboard based on that photo alone. 

Many pet stores, of course, stock their shelves with dogs from puppy mills, and you don't want a dog from a puppy mill. You could start by reading this piece on puppy mills. For just the choice quotes, read on:

  • "Puppy mills are often dirty and unsanitary. You often see dogs in cages with their own filth, left out in the heat and cold, malnourished, and with skin problems."
  • "Puppies are not hand-held from birth like most reputable breeders' are. This means they have little or no human interaction until they're sold. This can lead to aggression, anxiety, fear, indifference, and a whole host of behavioral problems. Also, living in a small cage crates a poorly adjusted dog."
  • "Dogs are usually caged their entire breeding life."
  • "Dogs are often bred every six months, with never a break. After their fertility ends, they are often sold or sometimes killed."

Nice, huh? No, that's not nice. Tom, if you really want to go purebred, buy the Westminster Kennel Club and give it to Suri through her lawyers. Go big. 

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Illustration by Nigel Sussman

But what we think Suri really needs is an intervention -- an indoctrination, if you will -- into the joys of getting a dog from the shelter, which costs far less money, much less than your life savings doled out piecemeal throughout the years until you're so brainwashed you think you've moved across the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieved Clear when you've really just gone utterly and completely insane thinking you're descended from aliens who died in a volcano. Ahem. 

So, Tom, Katie, legal teams on both sides, Gloria Aldridge, Martha Stewart, James Van Der Beek, or anyone else with a direct line to Tom: Consider this a public service announcement. Give Suri a shelter dog. Two if you can handle the extra food expense. You can do this. 

Just picture Suri and Katie traipsing down their Manhattan sidewalk with a shelter pup surrounded by 32 people carrying $350,000 of recording equipment and broadcasting the adorable dog's every move to TMZ and probably Tom's computer in his secret office in the closet -- um, basement. I bet Xenu himself might reveal himself in the foyer and tell the kid she did good. 

Remember: Thetans don't let thetans buy puppies from pet stores (bumper sticker?), and nor should the rest of you.

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