Did you see the photos last week of Suri Cruise tearfully looking at puppies at a pet store? No? You didn’t see them? What’s wrong with you? That was a choice piece of center-cut pop culture. You got a job or something?
Truthfully, it has us a bit worried. If Suri Cruise wants a puppy from a puppy store, then that means Suri’s daddy is going to want a puppy from a puppy store, and there’s not much that can stop Tom Cruise besides a well-executed escape plan and a crack legal team.
We fear this might get more people thinking about buying puppies from pet stores instead of where they should be getting them: shelters (editor’s note: or reputable breeders). Hell, we wouldn’t be surprised if backyard breeders are working up a Suri breed right now (half Maltese, half Staffordshire Bull Terrier, one dab dragon’s blood), or if Petland opens 15 more stores on the Eastern seaboard based on that photo alone.
Many pet stores, of course, stock their shelves with dogs from puppy mills, and you don’t want a dog from a puppy mill. You could start by reading this piece on puppy mills. For just the choice quotes, read on:
Nice, huh? No, that’s not nice. Tom, if you really want to go purebred, buy the Westminster Kennel Club and give it to Suri through her lawyers. Go big.
But what we think Suri really needs is an intervention — an indoctrination, if you will — into the joys of getting a dog from the shelter, which costs far less money, much less than your life savings doled out piecemeal throughout the years until you’re so brainwashed you think you’ve moved across the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieved Clear when you’ve really just gone utterly and completely insane thinking you’re descended from aliens who died in a volcano. Ahem.
So, Tom, Katie, legal teams on both sides, Gloria Aldridge, Martha Stewart, James Van Der Beek, or anyone else with a direct line to Tom: Consider this a public service announcement. Give Suri a shelter dog. Two if you can handle the extra food expense. You can do this.
Just picture Suri and Katie traipsing down their Manhattan sidewalk with a shelter pup surrounded by 32 people carrying $350,000 of recording equipment and broadcasting the adorable dog’s every move to TMZ and probably Tom’s computer in his secret office in the closet — um, basement. I bet Xenu himself might reveal himself in the foyer and tell the kid she did good.
Remember: Thetans don’t let thetans buy puppies from pet stores (bumper sticker?), and nor should the rest of you.