Hi Dogsters. Jake here. Much as I hate to admit it, that really is me in the photo above. I was thrilled when I got a package from the nice people at PetSmart with a PetHoliday Snowman Applique Sweater enclosed. I had told them I’d be happy to model a holiday sweater for Dogster readers. But when I put it on I almost had to go for the olive oil so I could squeeze into it.
And yes, it is an XXL. Humiliating. I couldn’t even walk.
My 14-year-old girl said I look like a punk from the movie Grease. I appreciated her support so much. After Maria extricated me from the sweater (she almost went for the scissors…), she looked online, and we saw how the sweater is supposed to fit.
It has tiny sleeves, and is not a corset after all. I’ll bet that white dog model is laughing at me and my girdle right now. At least he can breathe.
In hindsight, I should have chosen the other present they offered me: A Xylobone. It’s one of the cool Fisher-Price dog toys modeled after their popular children’s toys. PetSmart is carrying a line of them.
Pretty cute. And it smells like peanut butter. The reason Maria said no to a Xylobone is because she thinks I would destroy it in seconds. She’s right. It squeaks, and the package urges “Touch me! I’m soft and great for chewing!” That’s like telling a lion to touch a nice hunk of raw meat. Since I can chew apart Kongs in a matter of an hour or two, I am banned from Xylobones.
But you are probably not banned, my dear Dogster brothers and sisters. And two of you are going to win your very own Xylobone. How? By making me feel better about myself. Tell me something good about myself. Restore my ego. Destroy my inner Pillsbury Dough Boy. Help me realize there’s more to life than having a holiday sweater that doesn’t crush your ribcage.
Leave your comment by noon on Tuesday, December 7. I will choose the one that makes me the happiest. And Maria will draw the other winner at random from the qualified entries, using Random.org. So even if you do not make me feel so great, you can still win. The winners will be announced Thursday, December 9.
OK, let the ego restoration begin!