Hello, Dogsters, this is Bear here. Yes, I know you’ve read Texts from Dog, but this isn’t like that. I’ll have you know not all of us canines think exclusively of tennis balls, bacon, and chasing down the mail carrier (intrusive as he is, the man’s just trying to do his job).
Hollywood — or Howli-woof, as we like to call it — is a tough town. With city facades and contractual romances, it’s hard to sniff out what’s real and what’s fake. It’s easy to read the jealous gossip, draw conclusions from invasive pupparazzi photos, and think you know the truth, but the real truth is that there’s no way of knowing, and it’s all speculation. Like the postman, a lot of folks in Howli-woof are just trying to do their jobs in a maelstrom of celebrity and overexposure.
So, concerning my coming here to talk to you about to which of my loving humans I should go to, please refrain from judgment — it’s a personal matter between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, the stars of those you-know-what vampire movies. Break-ups happen — I am sure you all have been through a few — but what to do when there’s a dog stuck in the middle?
Kristen and Robert adopted me together from a shelter in Louisiana. It was glorious. I knew the moment I met them I’d found my furever home. I never thought that I — a humble mutt — would be so lucky! It’s the ultimate rags-to-riches story! I shared my home with Kristen, Robert, and their other dog, Max. It was great. When they rescued me, I was sick with Parvo, but they lovingly nursed me back to health. I was, as Kristen likes to put it, like a child to them.
But now Robert has moved out, and it’s breaking my heart. I love them both so dearly — it’s my divine duty as a dog to do so — and I know right now there are lots of hurt feelings and angry words, but I trust them to come to a mutually beneficial agreement. After all, we dogs are your best break-up buddies, and I would love to be there to comfort them both.
What do you think? Who should take me home?
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