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Our Newshound Barks About Chris Christie’s Hostage Face, Leap Year, and the Iditarod

Whirlwind the Greyhound, our intrepid trends reporter, scans all of social media each week so you don't have to.

Tony Maglio  |  Mar 4th 2016


Happy Friday again, friends!

The Internet is a wonderful thing. After all, where else can a dog like me write for both people readers and my fellow canines (who, admittedly, mostly like to look at the pictures) — I don’t even have thumbs.

And evidently, there are OTHER websites beyond Dogster. What for? I have no idea. But some of them are pretty popular, and on occasion, their posts trend across the entire web. Like the morning newspaper, I’m here to collect those stories and bring them directly to you. Good boy, am I right?

Here’s what you missed if you napped all week like some stupid cat.

Let’s get on with the news. (Whirlwind the Greyhound by Shutterstock)

Let’s get on with the news. (Whirlwind the Greyhound by Shutterstock)

Chris Christie Stands (Terrified) By His Man

First of all, “Chris Christie” sounds like a silly pet name, not a real, thought-out human name. How uncreative were the people who whelped him? And this guy was almost President of the United States? (For our dog readers: That’s like their Lassie. Or, better yet, it’s what Bo’s dad does for a living.)

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Bo the First Dog. (Official White House photo by Chuck Kennedy)

This week, I’m told Christie threw his considerable weight behind Donald Trump. You guys know Trump — he’s the inspiration for all that “Trump Your Dog” nonsense us pups have to put up with. Here’s one example:

@tanerzee just loving the game #dogsofinstagram #trumpyourdog

A photo posted by Trump Your Dog (@trumpyourdog) on Anyway, Christie officially endorsed Trump at a press event made awkward and famous for the New Jersey governor’s facial expressions. Here’s one of my favorites:

Anyway, Christie officially endorsed Trump’s candidacy at a press event made awkward and infamous for the New Jersey governor’s horrified-looking facial expressions. Here’s one of my favorite memes immediately made:  

Now, I’ve never gone for a ride to Christie’s New Jersey, but I’m told it’s nicknamed “The Garden State.” I like to bury bones in gardens, so I’d probably love it there.

I-didn’t-arod

The world is literally telling Alaska that it’s time to put the Iditarod to sleep. For the second year in a row, climate change has made sure there won’t be enough natural snow to start the world-famous dogsled run in its usual manner, effectively tying organizers to a lamppost. Still, the race is set for a Saturday Anchorage start, though the normal 11-mile ceremonial opening route has been shorted to just three, due to a lack of local white powder. Officials are actually bringing in outside snow via train just to make even that happen.

Don’t tell their jockeys, but I have it on good authority that most of the Huskies are getting a good laugh out of the whole situation. When the Earth is whipping you, maybe it’s time to just stop the antiquated race.

In other words: Mush, humans.

It’s Ugly What You Did to Uggie

The Oscars aired Sunday night, and guess who correctly picked the Best Picture upset? That was none-other than my buddy Lucky, my fellow obedience graduate. We have a sixth sense about these things.

Us dogs usually don’t get too into the Academy Awards (For dogs: It’s like Westminster for humans.), but we had an extra incentive to tune-in last weekend. In August, our beloved pack member and “The Artist” star, Uggie, died — so naturally, the Jack Russell Terrier would be included during the awards show’s In Memoriam segment, right? After all, “The Artist” won five Oscars in 2012, including Best Picture.

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R.I.P., Uggie. (Uggie by Jaguar PS / Shutterstock)

But guess what? Like a non-indoor cat who doesn’t come when she’s called, Uggie was left out. Apparently there just wasn’t enough space after including a couple of publicists.

To make matters worse, some longhaired human sang a song about “Blackbirds” the entire time the remembrance ceremony went on. So once again, just like with flight, us dogs have been discriminated against in favor of the feathered ones.

Leaping for Joy

Monday was something that humans call “Leap Day.” I learned the hard way that it’s not the one day every five years that a dog can leap onto his human’s bed. I got quite a talking to for the misunderstanding.

And on Tuesday, my people began what they call “March.” That got me wagging because it sounded like we were all going on a very deliberate walk — but that’s apparently just the name of a month. (For dogs: That’s what humans call about 30 full-night sleeps.)

This time of year, humans have this weird saying that I’m not a fan of: “March goes in like a lion and out like a lamb.”

What’s that all about? How about, “March goes in like a half-shaved Labradoodle and out like an un-groomed Poodle?” That ought to cover it.

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What were your favorite stories of the week? Did I miss any big ones? Check back next week for a new litter of stories.