Editor’s note: Simply put, rocks are the new dogs. To meet the needs of this growing population of pet parents, we are switching our focus to become THE source for all things rock related. Rockster will deliver the latest care info from experts in the mineralogy field, the best training advice from leading rock behaviorists, and the most helpful tips from our team of rock lovers, who will help you navigate life with a not-so-furry friend. Also look for inspiring stories of rock rescue and adoption, as well as profiles of Rockster Heroes. And be sure to create a page in our Community area — we want to see your pets, pebbles, and boulders alike! We hope you enjoy Rockster. — Pamela Mitchell, Senior Rockster Editor
As a registered vet, I get a lot of questions from people who have no idea how to properly care for a pet rock. Unfortunately, I charge a lot, and countless people have left my office in tears, unable to afford even the paperwork reading fee ($89; applicable toward treatments costs if total amount exceeds $10,000 and full amount is paid with two weeks of service; CASH ONLY).
But today, after 15 years on the job, I give back.
Why does my pet rock eat his own poop?
This habit of eating poop is disgusting. As a registered vet, I know exactly how disgusting this is, and the less said about it the better.
Why are other people threatened by my pet rock?
To make people feel safe, you have to prove you’re in charge. A good technique is to hold your rock like a baseball and wave it around to show you have complete control of your rock. You can also toss your rock from hand to hand while staring down passersby.
What do I feed my pet rock?
God, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one.
How much water should my pet rock drink?
He should drink two-fifths his body weight, divided by 3.65 and multiplied by how old he is. Ha, just kidding. I have no idea.
How can I tell if my pet rock is in pain?
Best to assume she is in pain and start her on pain meds stat.
These are great questions, and although I am a veterinarian for pet rocks, I am not the right person to ask, funnily enough.
Should I brush my pet rock’s teeth?
How long do pet rocks live?
Your pet rock will outlive you; she will outlive everything breathing on God’s green Earth; she is eternal, everlasting, non-dying, all-surviving. Either that or about five years.
Do pet rocks get cancer?
Oh, I’m sorry. No, they do not.
Do you support medical marijuana use in pet rocks?
Why, do you have some?
Should I restrain my pet rock during car travel?
No, placing it on the dashboard should be fine. And hey, can I get a ride to the rock climbing gym tomorrow?
How do you treat pet rock mange?
Oh God, you had to bring up mange? Mange is horrible. Ecch! I feel unwell.
How do you tell how old your pet rock is?
You can try asking him. But do it in a roundabout way; you really should know your pet rock’s age by now, you monster.
Is the pet rock obesity epidemic real?
Certainly. I have seen any number of fat, chubby rocks, mostly along the interstate. Where they get their food is anybody’s guess.
How do I stop my pet rock from waking up the neighbors at night?
This is a tough one: You might have to stay up all night in your darkened living room, counseling your rock as it smashes against your neighbor’s siding again and again and again and again, until he passes out from the booze or the police arrive, whichever comes first.
If you want to come over tomorrow with a bottle of vodka and bail money, I can show you how a registered vet handles this.
Should I use a retractable leash with my pet rock?
So you are coming over! Cool. Don’t forget the bottle.
Read more about pet rocks on Rockster:
Read health stories about your other pets:
About Dr. Rockus: I am a professional pinochle player who spends his spare time working full-time as a registered pet-rock veterinarian. Once I rode the Concorde. I am fond of dips and salsas. Sometimes I collect pet rocks from alongside the interstate in Death Valley. It is so quiet there. Peaceful. I have eight unfinished novels.