Editor’s note: Simply put, rocks are the new dogs. To meet the needs of this growing population of pet parents, we have decided to switch our focus and become your source for all things rock related. Rockster will deliver the latest care information from experts in the mineralogy field, the best training advice from leading rock behaviorists, and the most helpful tips from our team of rock lovers, who will help you navigate life with a not-so-furry friend. Also look for inspiring stories of rock rescue and adoption, as well as profiles of Rockster Heroes. And be sure to create a page in our Community area—we want to see your pets, pebbles and boulders alike! We hope you enjoy the new Rockster magazine. — Pamela Mitchell, Senior Rockster Editor
Congratulations on joining the new craze in pets! It’s not just a fad, though; pet rocks are older than dogs. They’re older than all life on Earth, actually. Untold millennia, seems like. Good thing you’re finally around to care for one!
Now, if you plan on bringing your rock to work today, read this first. If you’re already at work, head home to get your rock. Just tell your boss you forgot to wear shoes or something.
Here are seven tips to taking your pet rock to work:
Before you take your pet rock to work, it’s wise to get him checked out by a vet. If you don’t have a vet, look for one with a lot acronyms after her name, like DMN, MA, VMD, Ph.D., DACVB, CAAB. The more the better: IRL, PLU, HBO, TWC. Seriously, if we don’t see at least five acronyms, we keep walking — past the rock vet in our town to another rock vet in the next town, all the way to Canada. Our favorite acronyms are LLC, UPS, and PDQ, but you might have your own, so we encourage you to continue walking until you see them. Don’t settle! Take all year if you have to (but do not go into Canada).
Once your rock has been cleared by a vet, it’s time to leave the house and commute to work. Breathe deep, hum the theme music to Rocky, hold your rock high, and throw open the door — it’s you and your rock against the world!
Actually, no. You’re just going to work with a rock. Calm yourself, take a quiet breath, and smoothly enter the flow of pedestrian traffic. Hold your rock in your palm slightly away from you, as if you are checking for rain. Every two minutes, hold up your finger and exclaim, “It’s just a pet rock! Nothing to fear.”
It’s going be a great commute.
You’d be amazed at how many people think they can simply walk up and fondle a pet rock without permission, like it’s the promotional stress ball on your desk from the workplace bonding camp you attended last summer. Counter these rude people with a stern, “My rock doesn’t like to be molested, thanks.” If they say something like, “It’s just a rock, dude,” throw a cup of water on them and race out of the building.
Often, your workplace will provide an area where all the pet rocks can gather, like the conference room that everyone is terrified of. That way, your rock can play with all the other rocks. If your rock acts timid among other rocks, you should lie down among them, letting the rocks jump all over you and wrestle on your stomach. Spread some dirt on your face so the rocks feel at home. This is the exact moment your boss will come by to ask how you’re doing on the Henderson account.
For lunch, give your pet rock only the best, highest-quality food. Coq au vin. Escargot. Frutti di mare. To save money, you may bring a your homemade lunch (boiled-ham sandwich) in a brown bag and eat it in the bathroom of the best restaurant in town. Remember to tip the attendant ($5 is customary; if that seems high, remember that you ate your lunch in a stall, you cheapskate).
Does your rock like coffee? You’d be surprised. Go to the office kitchen and pour a thin layer of coffee into a shallow bowl, add milk, and set your rock in the mixture. Turn out the lights, put the bowl on the copy machine (provided you have a copy machine in your office kitchen), and stand quietly against the back wall.
Obviously, if you’ve brought your rock to work, you’ll be afforded plenty of opportunities to take her outside to gambol in the office park, usually for 15 minutes every hour. If your boss is not aware of this, inform her in no uncertain terms that you’ve seen her secret file cabinet and you know where the bodies are buried.
Once outside, if your rock is content to just sit there … like a rock (ha!) … use the opportunity to scan the want ads for a new job. You never know when this sweet gig is going to end. Could be today!
Congratulations, you’ve successfully taken your rock to work! Now it’s time to leave, but not so fast. Tomorrow we’ll cover how to take your pet rock home from work, so make a bed in the conference room and sit tight for the duration. We’ll get you and your rock out of there soon.
Time-killing tip: If you’re intrigued by liquid non-dairy creamer, now’s your chance to pour 100 of them into a mug and see what’s it’s like to drink the stuff straight. Spoiler alert: It’s pretty tasty!
Stay tuned to Rockster to catch more articles in this series: How to Take Your Rock on an Escalator, How to Take Your Rock to the Moon, How to Take Your Rock to a Paul McCartney Concert.