|Barked: Tue Aug 21, '12 2:34am PST |
|That is adorable!
Good morning to everyone. Here is my joke for today!
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the
club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo,
who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair,
dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a
tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that
early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill so
Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other
THURSDAY: #$@$$#& was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie
my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to
find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which
FRIDAY: I hate that rotten Christo more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a
part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him
with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!
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