Jessi -in my- heart- forever-
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 | | Barked: Fri May 18, '07 6:43am PST |  | |  | | Here are the jokes from the previous two threads:
My dog can read
I was introducing my dog to a restaurant under renovation that he was to guard. The dog had a strange quirk in that he would not go through a tight spot. A door had to be wide open or he would balk. (I guess he had been caught by a spring door when he was younger.)
There was a section of the building with posh furniture and carpet. Access to the section was through an opening in a planter wall. I didn't want the dog to go into that section, so I placed a "THIS SECTION CLOSED" sign in the middle of the opening, and said "See that?".... The dog looked, and we walked on.
A workman shouted "Hey are you saying that dog can read?"
I replied "Well, watch.", and I squeezed past the sign but the dog who had been at my side in perfect obedience, planted four feet and wouldn't go through, no matter how much I shouted and tugged.
I moved the sign (now there was lots of room), and the dog walked through as though nothing was wrong.
Each time the sign was in the doorway, the dog couldn't be forced through; remove it and he would trot on through.
Somewhere there is a work crew that believes my dog can read. .... Bev McQuain
A man had broken into a house and was stealing all these people's things, The man saw a computer and started unplugging it when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" the thief looked around and didn't see anything so he went back to his business and he heard it again, "Jesus is watching you!" again, he looked around and didn't see anyone, so a little freaked out but not about to let that stop him he kept on unplugging the wires from the computer when AGAIN he heard the voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" He preceded to turn around and saw a parrot and said, "Hello, what's your name?" "Moses" said the parrot. At this the man laughed a little and said "Who would name their parrot Moses?" the parrot laughed too and said, "The same people who would name their 135 lb Rottweiler Jesus"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of Labrador puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were three boy Labrador puppies and four girl Labrador puppies."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it is printed on their bottoms.
On the door of the little country store a stranger noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. "That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing
chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can do all these things, ...............
Then you are probably the family dog.
#1. Read each sentence one after the other.
#2. Now read the THIRD word in each sentence one after the other in order.
#3. Go forth and trick your friends with it.laugh out loud
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbell cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is 40 cat.
This is seconds cat.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block
away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your butt as soon as they meet
you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer
Ten Things a Cat Thinks About
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey! No kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!
Ok, there was this cat with a very good education and his owner didn't! So, they went on a journey down a path and found a big ship (Pirate ship) and decided to go on a bigger journey! So then, there was a big storm and the ship sank, so the cat and the owner floated on a wooden plank until 30 min. later the cat meowed and said, "I give up, where's the ship!"
I didn't really get it when someone told me it!
Another: There was a man that collapsed on a rich man's porch. The rich man had a horse. The man that collapsed asked if he can have the horse. The rich man said that the horse went on command, Thank God to go and A Man to stop, so the man that collapsed went on the horse and said, "Thank God!" The horse started to gallop. Then, he said it again and the horse started to run! 3 ft. from a cliff, the man yelled, "Stop, Stop, Stop!" Then he remembered and said, "A Man!" The horse stopped just in time, 1 in. from the cliff and yelled to the heavens, "THANK GOD!" Guess what happen next! HA!
What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice.
dogs will come when called were as cats will take a message and get back to you.
Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!
What is a cat's favourite colour?
Purrrrrrrple!
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
Here is 1, see if any1 gets it!!!!
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.
The mice answered, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Thank you everyone who has posted and you can all continue to post jokes in this thread!!!!
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The Dog Show: Who's Your Mama?
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