|Barked: Thu Apr 11, '13 5:44pm PST |
|Yeah!... You read it right and I bet you are thinking I am going to talk about something that has already been talked to death...
No... Jeesh!!! God No... Ok this is the thing it is sad yes when a good friend of your's parent is termaly ill. I know it is a sad subject (I told you so)Well this is what I am telling you my Landlord friends Mo had cancer and she just passed away last night. Yeah it was a long and short (very short) path down that road. I know I am being a lil vage. Just I guess I am having a hard time processing this thing. I've known the woman a better part part of my life or worse part too. Yes I am a lil emotional confused more then normal I guess. She and I (My Landlord friend that is) have been talking this week off and on (when she was here that is and not with here mom (doing the death waiting game). She mentioned witch sorta made me feel a lil hurt (I don't think she was trying to hurt me) but she made a hurtful commet about Sadie and her not being a SD... she knows how I struggle and fight with people who say that stuff to me and how the guy out back of here was saying that too. I did not correct her and just said I guess you would see her as a glorified Pet. I am sure that would not be what a lot of you would do but I did not feel it was a time to have a deep conversation with her when she is waiting for her mom to die. The waiting Game I guess that is all I can call it my self. She was a very strong and kind woman and she helped my friend at her pizza store here every monday since I have been living here. I am angry I guess... Angry, I guess it is hard to describe Angry and not knowing why... I have been this way for months now and just not sure what to do about it and then again just feeling helpless about it. Knowing in my head there really isn't anything you can do. It was like really fast but in slow motion to. It was like yesterday that she is telling me that her mom was sick with the cancer and stage 4 but that she was going to get the radiation treatment and stuff. We talked about the homeopathic stuff and all that and then she just started going down hill then last night she passed. I don't know if any one of you believe this but we "she and I" My friend and I believe in ghost and stuff, she think her mom is going to be with her father now. Her sister thought may be yesterday she saw their Dad in the room with their mom. I don't know but I did tell I would not be surprised I have read that you are guided in to heaven by your Loved ones Or (in to the after life) Witch ever you all out there believe. She did say it herself (their mom) that she wanted to see her mom that she lost when she was 17yrs. and her husband. So I believe that she was able to do that after she let go of this earthly life. I guess the hardest part of this all was the Waiting game we had to play when you know all is done and there is no more to do other then wait. I have lost a lot of family through tragedy and illness. I have been through a couple fuenerals that I feel were to sinceless to talk about. When is death
sincable at all? I don't think many will say or answer that one.
So I guess I sit here thinking about all this and I just feel it was just a long waiting game and now it is over and she wont be here every monday anymore. That is all there is to it and I am sad,Mad and frustrated.... I am angry cause someone so nice is gone that is all. I have been angry so long ever since I herd that she was sick, I guess. I really don't know why I am angry all the time...
Is it cause there was nothing that could be done or is I just am angry that she had to suffer before she had peace. It just seems to be sinceless and I am Angry.... That is it I am angry at all the waitng and sinclessness. I know I am 50 year old and of course people die and dying is a personal thing and can be a lonely journey. I maybe angry about that I don't know Just it seems I have been this way for so long and I just don't know why. I don't like anyone I am angry I want to Punch something or someone... really I just feel like I am tyered of being angry at stuff I don't know why I am angry at that I have no control over. I read on FB today someone stated the AA prayer about wizdom and and curage and all that. And I am angry.... Hummm, Guess I can have some wizdom and curage and even since enough to know that I was not suppose to save her or have the ability to do so "IT WAS JUST HER TIME!" Angry and frustrated again, YES !!! I know I am not suppose to have the Powers to save her... ( you know I am telling myself this but it is not getting through I am still angry andI don't know how not to be right now. And the waiting is over she is at peace but when I thought that I can sigh a relief... I am still angry frustrated and just waiting. is there any since to this.
I guess if someone told me it made since I still would not feel OK.
And just saying it will be ok When really it isn't OK. Someone very good dyed! I guess I am just going to wait and see if it passes and I will get back to being myself again. Yeah another WAITING game......
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