Happy 2nd Birthday, Baby Boy!!!

Dear Malakai,

Sorry sweetness, I haven't been here on dogster in awhile to write you. It's not that I have forgotten about you or have been too busy. It's just been hard for me to see your page since you've been gone. Almost always ends in a tear fest so I almost never log on to dogster anymore.

Wow, you;re finally two years old...I think. Not sure if you still have birthdays where ever you are. I remember how I couldn't wait for your to turn two. I was so excited about finally have two adult dogs.

I guess the one good thing, if you want to call it that, about you're not being here any more is the fact that I've been doing a lot more things with Maya & Mauii. I remember how I kept putting off taking you and Maya to see snow. While we've been out to the moutains about three times now to play in snow. Of course, I always regret that I didn't get to do that with you.

Remember last year, how I told you you had to be my Valentine. Well, I couldn't bare having any other so I did all these things that as if you were still here. Went to the mountains. Played in snow. Drove to Julian. That's the place I took you for your first hike. Didn't hike there, but we went to a dog friendly restaurant where we had some dinner. Gave Maya and Mauii some hot dogs...your favorite. Then the long drive home. And finally, a home cooked meal from Mom. I'd like to think, where ever you are, you were some how with us. I even wore that one t-shirt I brought after the last urban mushing run you ran with those Alaskan Huskies. That was one of the best weekends we had together.

I love you so much and still miss you every day. My sweet, baby boy. Matilda must know I'm writing you because she just jumped on the desk. Purred and head butted me twice as if to say, "Tell him I miss him too!!" She tries to play with Mauii, but it's just not the same. You were her best friend! I think Mauii would eat her if I let him.

Well, got unpack the truck before I get to tired. I almost brought a birthday cake, but figured I'd be the only one eating it and my butt is big enough, so just imagine a cake with three candles...an extra one for your wish...and I hope all your dreams have come true!!

Happy Birthday Baby!!

Love Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving, baby boy!

Dear Malakai,

Here it is Thanksgiving. Instead of being sad because we never got to spend a Thanksgiving together, I figured it would be better to focus on all the things I am so grateful about you being in my life. Even if only for a short while.

I think the thing you taught me the most was patience. Anyone can tell you I'm anything but a patient person, and I know there were times when I was anything but patient with you, but eventually I had to learn patience with you. And now when I'm in a situation that requires patience, I think of you and it just comes to me.

You taught me how to laugh. Gosh you always knew how to make me laugh. You were the most fun of all the dog and cats I have ever known. It what I now miss the most about you. How you always just knew how to make me laugh.

Hope. Hope was always I word I always heard about but never really understood until I met you. How you went from being all fur and bones with every issue in the world to the most awesome dog ever is still beyond me. I use to hope and pray I would find the strenght and not have to return you because you were beyond what I could handle.

I use to hope and pray we would not lose our house to foreclosure. I never had a worry about finding a new home/owner for Maya and Matilda if need be, but I hoped and prayed and fought to keep the house because of you. Even if I could find a place for you, I could not deal with you thinking I had abandoned you like everyone else. So I kept hope in my heart. Prayed everyday, and fought. I don't think I'd still be in the house today if it wasn't for you.

The one thing I am so grateful for is that I told you how much I loved you every day. When you left this earth you knew just how much you meant to me. How important you were to our family. How much we needed and cherished you. And I truly believe, in your last few months you were finally at peace and felt you were in a secure and loving home. That's one of the few things that actually brings me peace since your passing.

Thank you for loving me. Having patience with me. And letting me be your mommy.

I miss and love you so very much!

Happy Thanksgiving, my sweet baby boy.

Love Always,
Mommy

Camp Bow Wow

Dear Malakai,

I dropped Mauii off for his first day of doggie daycare today. Not sure why because it was ver difficult for me to do that. Just as I was getting him ready, I started to cry. And when we got to Camp Bow Wow, I had to fill out new paper work for him. In the folder was the paper I had filled out for you. I started reading what I wrote that first time I brought you there and then I lost it. Right there in the lobby. I felt bad for the worker. Ended up running out of the building. Poor Mauii...I don't think that left him with a good first impression of doggie daycare.

Once I pulled myself together, I dropped Mauii off and then I headed over to where I had said good-bye to you...the animal shelter. I was thinking if I could help one of the animals find a new home that might make me feel better.

I saw this red/white female husky. 10 months old. Very sweet, little girl, with one blue and one green eye. She looked like she had been a stray. I've been doing this every week for the last four weeks. Last week there was a momma husky with her four pups. I helped the shelter find homes for all of them. This week I've choosen this little girl. Took down all her info and was ready to walk out the door, when I detoured down the kitty area.

I found this shy, Siamese mix. Only 5 months old and already had such a rough life. He was found in the engine of a pick up. By the time he was found, he had already suffered severe burns, lacerations, and other trauma. After he survived his surgeries, he developed a severe upper respiratory infection. He's been at the shelter recovering for the last 2 months now and was finally available for adoption.

He reminder me of you, all the struggles you had so early on, while looking like a feline version of Maya. So yes, I had to adopt him. Hopefully he'll fit in just fine with the rest of the crew!

Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since you've been gone. I'm still missing you terribly. I went ahead a finished planning that trip to Big Bear I had planned to take you and Maya on this winter. It's not going to be the same, but I will still try to make it an awesome trip for Maya and out little Mauii.

Love you always,
Mommy

License Renewal

Dear Malakai,

Yesterday marked three weeks since I last saw you. I also got a letter in the mail reminding me to renew your license.

Do you remember the day I put your license on your collar? I do. I remember telling you it was official. You were officially part of the family, and I think that was also the first time I ever told you how much I love you. We started off with such a rough start. But I want you to know, I was so proud that day when I first put that license on your collar. I was so happy to be your mommy.

I'm currently at work and I've spent most of my free time looking at your pictures and watching your videos and crying. Of all days to get your license renewal in the mail.

I can't tell you how terrified I was to come home from work last night. It was the first time I had left Mauii alone. Since it had only been his fifth day with us I didn't know what to expect. I sectioned off the dining room area so he would have access to the doggie door, but then I was so panicked that maybe he would try to escape out the backyard. Or if would figure how to get out from the area I secured for him and get into something he shouldn't get into. Not sure how long I'm going to be freaked out every time I have to leave any of my babies alone.

When I got home all was well. Mauii did escape the dining room area. When will I learn I can't out smart you huskies???

He was waiting for me at the top of the stairs with his tail a wagging away. Surprisingly, he didn't tear up the house. Not that I would have care so long as he was safe. Her even pooped outside, which was also surprising since I only taught him how to use the doggie door the night before. He did pee on a few things, but for having the run of the whole house it wasn't too bad.

I'm so glad I found Mauii. He really does help to ease the pain of losing you. With that said, it's also frustrating because we were finally at a place where we understood one another. Where we could enjoy our time together. It wasn't enough time. I spent so much time training you and working towards overcoming all the "issues" and just when I finally started to enjoy you, trust you, not have to discipline you all the time, you were taken away from me. And now I have to work on training another dog. When does the training end??

Sometimes I think I just don't have the strenght. At least another Wed/Thurs has come and gone. I should be all right, until next Wed/Thurs comes around. That will mark one whole month without you.

Miss and love you very much,
Mommy

The First 48

Dear Malakai,

It's been two days with the new puppy. He looks NOTHING at all like you, but could not be more like you!

First off, I can't keep him in the back seat of the truck. Everytime I exit the our doggiemobile, who do I find sitting in the driver seat? Mauii. Sound familar?

He's already escaped twice out of what I thought were secure areas and seems to be content to follow me around the house, even into the bathroom. And on his first escape, where do you think I found him? Eating all of the food out of the kitty bowl. He's enjoys eating just as much as you do and is just as much as a snuggle bug.

Took him to the dog park today. He's afraid of everything and was terrified of all the dogs in the small dog park, even though he was about 2-3 times there size. He's only 10 less than you were when I first got you, which I found shocking since he's 3 1/2 months and you were 10 months.

I don't think this little guy was abused like you were. He was either neglected or just extremely under socialized. The other thing he does that reminds me of you is how mch effort he puts into trying to get Maya to play with him. He' pretty persistant with her, unlike you, who politely would wait. You too became great friends and I hope for the same with them two.

Mauii helps to easy the pain of losing you. He is so grateful to have found refugee in our home, just like you were and is very eager to please. We started puppy class today. Mauii knows how to sit. He knows his name, and I'm also training him for our off leash hiking adventures! He's a great little guy. You would have liked him very much!

Where ever you are, have a great night, my sweet one.

And as always...

I love you!

Mommy

A new pup

Dear Malakai,

How are you my sweet, precious one? I don't know why, but I'm always wondering how you are. Every time I write you I cry. I would much rather tell you things in person. And get to hold you.

In about an hour Maya and I will leave to pick up our new dog. He's a puppy, puppy. Red and white husky with a full mask. I searched and searched every shelter. Every rescue. Even considered getting a dog from a breeder, or worse...a pet store. I looked every where for a dog that looked like you, and ended up with one that looked completely opposite. He doesn't even have those husky, ice blue eyes. I'm not sure if his eyes are green, hazel, or just a really light brown. They look different every time I see him.

Had no plans on adopting him, as he was the most anti-social puppy I ever met. I thought, "What am I going to do when this dog eats my couch, if I end up not even liking him?" You were such a handful, and quite the destroyer, but every time I looked at you you'd give me those "I'm sorry" eyes. I could never stay mad for very long.

But then just as I was about to say "no" he jumped into my lap and started licking my face. But the best part was when Maya tried to play with him like she use to play with you. I saw that light in her eyes and the next thing I knew I was signing the adoption papers.

I wanted his name to have a little bit of you in it so I named him Mauii. Did I mention he's only 3 1/2 months old?? I'm not sure sure about this whole puppy thing, but if I'm ever going to try it, this would be the time.

Someone once told me, "You don't get the dog you want. You get the dog you need." I can't help but think that is what led me to Mauii.

Malakai, I love you! Please don't ever forget that!

Love,
Mommy

Remembering and Celebrating Your Life!

Good morning, my sweet precious boy!

This is the first time I started to cried all day...sitting down to write you this letter. Just wanted to let you know that I've been doing a lot better, up until right now that is.

Yesterday I took Maya to an Urban Mushing clinic. I almost didn't go, since you're really the only runner in the family. Maya and I can both take it or leave it. The thought of only gearing up one dog was depressing. It was sad watching Maya run by herself. She didn't want to run at first. It seemed as thought all she wanted to do was sniff around for you. And then all of the sudden, she got this momentum going and started to run. It was more like a waddle/walk, but our little girl was determined to pull her fat mommy with or without you!

It was at that moment I realized, as much as I missed you, Maya is still here and needs me to be present in her life. She needs me to be strong so she can figured out how she's suppose to go on as well. People always tell you that, but it's a different thing to know it in your heart.

Then an amazing thing happened. I started telling all kinds of stories about you. You know the ones, like the time you ate a whole roll of meat, and how when I first got you, you smelled so bad I had to leave all the windows in the house opened in the middle of December. Even at night. And with each story I began to laugh. At the time, most of those things were not funny, but now all I can do is laugh.

And when I woke up today...after 5 hours of sleep, the most I've gotten since you've been gone...I decided to stop mourning your death. Stop asking all those "why" questions I'll never have any answers to anyway, and celebrate the life you had.

Several of your dogster friends have offered to give you wings. If you had died in a more "normal' way, I might be inclined to see you like that. But the only way I can come to peace with your not being here is to remember you exactly how you were. The good and the bad. And if I feel sad or angry again, that's ok. I'll let myself feel that way for no more than 5 minutes, and they I'll just have to move on. I even made a video of you to help me do just that.

The last thing I realized today is that I will probably be getting another doggie. I won't rush into it, but wanted you to know that whether or not I get a new doggie, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

You will always be my sweet, baby boy. I thank you for all the lessons you taught me and cherish EVERY MOMENT we shared together. I hate that you are not with me, but I understand you had to leave to teach someone else. Don't ever forget you will always have my heart. Always remember I love you!

Mommy

Fiesta Island

Dear Malakai,

It's been just over 24 hours since I found you lying on the living room floor and I think today hurts more than it did yesterday.

Was finally able to get a couple of hours of sleep. And when I woke up, I took Maya to your favorite place...Fiesta Island. We got there at 6 AM. It was pretty much a ghost town. The fog was very thick. Whenever I did hear the pitter patter of doggie feet, I kept turning around hoping to see you emerge through the fog. Oh what I wouldn't do to see you and hold you once again.

I miss the chatter between you and Maya when we'd go driving in the car. When I woke up this morning and used the bathroom, I missed not having you there at my feet. Who knew I'd missed that when all the other times I'd always ask for some privacy. I miss the little dance you use to do whenever it was meal or treat time.

Matilda probably won't tell you this, but she misses you too! She keeps trying to get Maya to chase her around the house. Maya just looks at her like she's crazy. And then, for one last attempt, Matilda jumped on top of Maya head. But Maya didn't budge. So I chased Matilda around the house. Both Maya and Matilda looked at me like I was crazy!

Who would have thought the house would be so empty without you. You made us complete and not a moment goes by that I don't think about you and miss you like crazy. I've contact a few of your Dogster friends that already went to the Bridge and I asked them to look out for you. Don't be scared. And never forget how much I love you.

My sweet, baby boy!

Love Mommy

A bag of cat food

From Malakai's Mom...

When I came home from work this morning I stepped in the house and immediately knew something was wrong.

Maya usually greets me right away and Malakai is always right behind her. Neither was there. I looked around and saw two doggie paws sticking out from near my patio door. I moved closer and could make out a full body, but the head was covered. It was still a little dark inside the house at 6:30 in the morning, so at first I didn't know which dog was laying there.

But as I moved closer I knew it was Malakai. He hadn't moved since I came in and so I called to him. And when I moved even closer I could see the thing covering his head was a bag of cat food.

Since my last scare of him eating a whole roach bait, I had purchased a muzzle type of mask for him to wear when I left the house. I ordered it big enough so that he could still be able to perform normal functions such as drink water, pant, howl. He could even still eat small kibble type of food.

Well today, he figured out how to get out of it and apparently found a bag of cat food. He tore into the top of the bag. There wasn't that much kibble left in the bag so he had to stuck his head into the bag to eat the remaining kibble. After he ate all the kibble he could not figure out how to get his head out of the bag and suffocated.

From what I could tell it was a horrible death. He must have ran up and down the stairs in a frantic attempt to try to find me or Maya to help him out. It looked like someone had ransacked to house. Way more destruction than Malakai's normal tearing up the house.

I was working on preparing myself for the day when one of my animals would die of old age, or get sick, like with cancer something. I expected Malakai would probably eat something so bad I'd have to take him to the hospital and it would require some type of expensive surgery to fix. But never, never did I expect to find him the way I did.

I watched him for like an hour, hoping I had gotten in wrong. But I didn't. He had defecated on himself. When I laid down beside him to stroke his cold head his tongue was dried up. He was just a baby. Still had all of his puppy ways.

What I notice the most now is how quite the house is. As many problems as I had with Malakai in the beginning, he brought so much life to our lives. We were so boring until he came along. Eventually, I think I would have been ok had Malakai died of old age or because he was sick. But to die the way he did was so horrific. I'm not sure I can make peace with it. But I am trying to pull together for Maya sake. She loved him more than anything.

Goodbye my sweet, little boy. Mommy loves you!

Good bye

I left for the bridge today...