February 13th 2010 10:47 am
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Humans are very big on insisting that we learn certain “rules” such as:
1) The house is not your toilet. Don’t even think about sniffing a baseboard or lifting a leg because the humans will panic quickly. There will be times that you will be blamed for the carpet being wet even though the spot is much larger than you are. All I can say on this is if you get blamed and it wasn’t your fault, then you have earned the right to potty someplace in the house when they least expect it. Choose your spot well and enjoy your moment.
2) Their spoken language – yes that’s right, they expect us dogs to be bilingual but has anyone ever seen a class offered to teach humans to bark like a dog? In most cases humans don’t have the slightest idea what we are trying to tell them and you never hear them bark (this does not count human cousin Lenny who frequently barks at the moon when ever he is allowed a weekend pass from the hospital).
3) Obedience – Sit, stay, down, come, blah, blah, blah. They try to offer bribes of tasty tiny treats. Some of us are foolish enough to fall for this but I say play dumb because once the humans think you understand them they constantly insist that you do what they say. If you hold out long enough they will give you the treat, label you as dumb and finally stop bugging you. Hey it works for me!
4) No humping – Humans are very insistent when it comes to this. Most of us have had certain parts of our anatomy removed so that this urge is diminished but for some the need to hump remains. I say hump away buddy. Yes find a nice firm leg and enjoy the ride. The humans may disagree with this but again, they invited us to live with them so they should allow us some choices.
5) Digging – What could be more fun than digging in the garden and rolling around in the nice dirt? Apparently humans do not agree here as they are constantly demanding that we stop. If you have a human who is really insistent that you do not dig in their garden then opt for digging on their carpet. I guarantee they will soon allow you to dig in the garden instead.
6) Baths – Let’s face it some dogs like water and others don’t. If you happen to enjoy it then life is good, but for those who don’t baths can be a real pain. Your best bet here is to endure so that it is over quickly then run through the house and shake water all over everything. If you can make sure you get up on the bed or sofa and lay down on it, that’ll teach them!
7) Food – We are expected to eat dog food – yeah right! Here again you will have to stand strong in order to win. Do not and I mean do NOT eat the stuff they put down in your food bowl if they do not eat it. Instead hold out for whatever it is that they are eating. It will be a test of wills but they will not let you die, instead they will start giving you human food which I know you will find extremely satisfying and much more enjoyable than dog food.
Well I hope the above gives you some insight on what to expect when you are invited to live with humans. There are other areas that should be on the list such as car rides, walks, children, cats, etc but I think I will save them for a another time. For now, I wish you all good health, happiness and a furever home with lots of love and devotion.
Puff.. i wuv dis !! we may haf to copy it if you don't mind !
Copy away Buttercup - You can have whatever I have. I would even give you my heart if I could.
PUFF.. DAT WAS THE SWEETEST MESSAGE I EBER GOT !
AMEN, brother, AMEN!!!!!!! You got ALL of it RIGHT!!!
Your diary was so insightful. I could not have said it better myself. HQ should have picked your entry as diary of the day!
This explains so much! I'm having a copy framed for the barn...
Josh, very impressed with your knowledge of humans