Bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do.. whatcha gonna do when I- come for you..

This is Lincoln the K-9 Unit Bishop here... I started my new job the other day and boy is it exciting!! I went into the department ..(which one I work for is classified information, after all, the ugly poodle Vera is still after me and now that I wear a uniform I just can't get rid of her, that one night that I felt sorry for her was just soooo not worth it, now I have a stalker, a litter of freaky looking puppies that half look like me, and I have to give up half of my kibble every month...this is a really long tangent.) and got sworn in as the newest K-9 Unit. Can I just say something here? I.....am.....such.....a stud...!
My first day on the job was a rainy day .. in a small town... it was very windy. We got a call of a perp who had just robbed the corner grocery store. While running out of the store he pushed down an old lady pushing a shopping cart with her dog in her purse. Keep in mind, this dog was a Yorkie.. and her name was Eleanor. It was ON. We get on scene to the grocery store and after fixing the bow in Eleanor's hair, promising her I would find the bad man.. she blew me a little kiss and I was off! We started out the track and I was on a mission. My little boots were killing my paws because they weren't broken in yet and my badge kept hitting me in the teeth... my gold caps weren't taken off yet from the Cruiseline job so I was hurting. (makes me look like I should be on the drug team.) Finally, after about 20 minutes into the track, my little nose led me to a Schwann's ice cream truck. I went up the little steps only to find the suspect cowering near the ice cream cooler eating a Bomb Pop playing Tetris on his Gameboy. I ran up to him, smacked him acrossed the face (not in the training manual) knocking the Bomb pop out of his mouth, then, just for effect, I took my little boot and smashed it to smithereens...and growled. Now is when the fun begins my friends. I looked into his scared eyes, thought of Eleanor and went straight for the jugalar!! (I think I even tasted remnants of Bomb Pop.) Every time he screamed I kicked him in the stomach with my little boot. Mid bite, the news popped out of the ice cream cooler (where the hell do they come from, I think they're with channel 8??) Photo op - yours truly kept a hold on the perp's neck, flashed them a thumbs up and winked. I think the camera man actually wet himself when I did that. And the rest is history. 180 stitches later, the bad guy was released from the hospital and is now staying at the jail for a werrrry long time. Good guys = 1 Bad guys = 0
Ahhh just another day in the life of a tiny hero, yours truly. Later my sweets. Time to go home to Eleanor and make puppies. -Lincoln

These little legs are not meant for jockeying ...

Hello to my peeps... as I type this I am on the couch, watching the Animal Planet, with a six pack of Bud Light, a hot plate of Wings, extra spicy, some chicky fingaaz, a spray can of cheese, some cheese dip and a wheel of cheese. Before you go on about how jockeys are supposed to be slim let me add one thought. Screw being a jockey!! Yes, this large amount of food might disgust me as I look at it, but for the love of all things holy, I will finish it. I've done nothing but diet and and wrap myself using gauze and adhesive tape all week in attempt to fit into the wee jockey pants. As I was riding the plastic Barbie horse around the bedroom I could hear stifled giggles again coming from the fish tank (the guppy is the loudest one) as my little rolls hung over my pants, and the gauze started to unravel and peep out the bottom of the pant leg. But ahhh my friends, kharma is sweet. Whilst this was all taking place my unwrapping caused my tummy to go back to the way God intended it to, which in effect caused my pants to literally burst at the seams and the little silver button FLEW acrossed the room, landed into the fish tank where the little guppy (Hoover is his name) was laughing so hard he had his little guppy mouth open... and guess what? Into the little guppy mouth that button flew my friends! A few of the fish noticed about 20 seconds later that Hoover was choking which lead to 5 little goldfishes slamming Hoover up against the tank trying to dislodge the button. It came out... about five minutes later, the fishies were spent and Hoover had not yet returned to his normal shade of dark green.. oh it was great. So I ran up to the tank, ripped the remnants of my pants off like they were tear aways and screamed "Lincoln rules!!" then I took the can of fish flakes and chugged them like it was a shot. Anyway, on my way out of the room I tripped over the Barbie horse and pulled a hami. So here I sit on the couch icing my little leg and eating like it's going out of style.. oh the carnage.
While sitting on the couch I flipped it to Animal Planet where they are showing how to train K-9 dogs.. for police departments and the military. I've decided to go against the grain and ignore the fact the I am not a German Shepherd or Lab. I can wear a muzzle and act all hopped up on crack just like they do... I'll pop some Alka Seltzers in my mouth before I go to attack ..that'll get em going. I can see it now.. it will make mommy so proud! Alas, more on my K-9 training later, I've got some Wangs to eat!!! Much love my sweets, Lincoln the K-9 unit Bishop :)

Training to be a jockey is hard work...

Here's the newest on my little journey called life... I have decided to forego the gangsta rap lifestyle and start training to be a jockey.. not just any ordinary jockey, but I hope to make it all the way to the Kentucky Derby!! Oh my.. such big dreams for a little dog, I know.. but it's in the works my friends, it's in the works - and ohhh it will happen. First I need to find a horse. My mommy has a barbie horse from when she was little at grandma and grandpa's house.. that may work for now... but I need an extra soft saddle ... that barbie horse is like a million years old or something... it's at least as old as mommy and she is OLD. (don't tell her I said that though..)
So I was doing my stretches in front of the fish tank dressed in my training gear - picture this - Auburn sweatshirt.. (war eagle!) with blue richard simmons shorts... (you know the kind,) orange leg warmers, orange head band and some blue gloves (without the fingers - they make my push ups easier, plus I just look cool) and my tap shoes (part of the training was a little dance for the guppy and his gang of fish..) As I'm stretching I can hear stifled giggles coming from the tank... as well as outside.. not only was the fish tank erupting in giggles, but a nest of robins outside the window were pointing and laughing at me.. apparently I when I was putting my costume together I made the shorts a little too short if you know what I mean..
I've decided to name my horse Sweet Northern Saint... although I'm sure after a couple of hours on that plastic horse, I'll be singing like a sweet northern saint... good thing I'm fixed! Mommy said this was a special name.. her friend Doug (haven't met him yet) bet money on a horse of this very same name at the Kentucky Derby (yes I will hold the title someday) but the horse lost.
Alas, my paws are tired - what with all the typing and push ups... I can barely go on... I am going to sit in the steam room for now... I have about two sizes to go down before I can even fit into my wee jockey pants.. until next time my sweets, Yours, Lincoln :)

Damn the Man who invented toothbrushes

As I write this I am crouched under my mommy's bed typing on my laptop faaaar faaar away from the storm that's going on outside my window.... ohhh the horror... mommy is working and I am shaking like a little leaf, I can hardly type. My journal entry today is going to detail the fact that dogs do not need toothbrushes ...nor do they need meat flavored toothpaste....it makes me sneeze. I can say this though - Eleanor commented the other day on my meat flavored breath, so I think things are working out ok here .. (still makes me sneeze damn it!)
Alas...I have made friends with the fish in mommy's fish tank in her bedroom -they are signing to me that things will be ok (the guppy can do sign language faster than I've ever seen....it's amazing - he also mouths the words as he signs - his little mouth is stuck up against the glass...... it's great - I can't help but laugh the whole time :) Guppy signing + me laughing like a little school girl = a good time... after he got done signing he flipped me off and went back to his corner to suck on the glass, but it was worth it... I needed the laugh..
My paws are tired and the rain in slowing down, I think I will take a nap - or possibly do an interpretive dance for the fish from their tank...they love that. Until later my sweets - Lincoln

Props to my second-cousin Brody

What up - this message is a shout out to my second-cousin Brody (first cousin to my mama) by the way before I begin my speil I would like to remind Brody of the picture of him taken at his 1st or 2nd birthday with the big ass bow on his head....just a reminder.. my mama showed me the pic when I asked who you were...werrry werrry funny yo....
This entry is about my newest gig...tonight I am warming up my muscles and shining my dancing shoes for my latest audition - it's a gangsta rap cruise line called Karnival Kruz Linez (first ever cruise line with hydraulics installed) it's gonna be really Kool.. I have to say I like my new look (although my mommy hates it) the only bad thing is the Medallions around my neck are really heavy to carry around all day, and the gold teeth that I got are really sensitive to hot and cold.. I even hit a case of Colt 45 in the cupboard and add a can off that to my dawg food everyday, it really takes the edge off of being a "C" list celebrity.. By the way I did Surreal Life with Natalee from the Facts of Life...it was fun and all but there are some really embarrassing hot tubs scenes in there I wish I could take back...Natalee, you're like a moped....ok I'll stop at that for my mama's sake, she wouldn't understand...needless to say Natalee is trying to get all up in my game but no such luck, my heart belongs to Eleanor the neighborhood Yorkie....she's even changed her style to match mine,..tiny fishnets, tiny feather boa..although my new style is getting me too much tang - the neighbor poodle Vera is after me....good lawd...ahhhh the pain of being a pimp..So much to my mama's dismay - she is installing taps into my hydraulic sneakers and sewing little numbers on my 76'ers jersey tonight, I'll let ya'll know how it works out... peace and love - I'm outtie, LinKen

Lincoln

With the click of his paws, and the wag of his tail
I know in his eyes that I have not failed....
His face seems to grin as he runs to greet his master,
with each step closer - he runs a bit faster...
Leaping into my arms - I have found a warm friend...
This is one love for certain,I know will not end.
Eyes of warm cocoa and a heart of gold,
he may age another year, but he'll never grow old...
My sweet little friend, four paws and a tail,
always at my side down life's bumpy trail....

To my sweet pup who has provided great loyalty and friendship these last four years....

The Great Escape

My mommy and I are in our new place. I am still adjusting to everything. I love seeing my mommy so much and going for lots of walks.
I am not happy with her leaving me home alone though. She went to the store and bought a baby gate after I marked every room with my signature scent. (wrote my name is cursive ) LINCOLN WUZ HERE - after she babygated me in the kitchen I lead her to believe that I was helpless... five minutes later I pulled out the blue prints, flashlight, blk army paint for my face,sheets to tie together,suction cups for bottom of my paws and a six pack of bud (hey..it was a looong night ) Shortly thereafter I started my escape. Paws were flying , blue prints were ripped to shreads,sheets were draped over the baby gate and I was OUT OF THERE!!!! WHOOOOHOOO !
From then on it was mayhem.....the neighborhood dogs came over (and a few cats) for Poker night. We gambled with kibble and cat nip - the cats got a little crazy hanging off the chandelier and wearing mommy's socks as tube tops. When the old neighbor guy came over to complain, we recruited him to go buy us more Bud and catnip. When his wife came over wondering where he went gave her some catnip and I saw things that my little eyes hope to never see again. My soul as a dog is now unclean. We smoked cubans and cursed till we were blue in the face. When one of the cats choked on a poker chip and my yorkie friend chipped a tooth on a bottle, I kicked everyone out. The sun was coming up and I had a lot of cleaning up to do. I paid the neighborhood Black lab a wooden nickel and a few pieces of stuck together kibbel to clean the place. He loved me more than ever afterward as labs often do.
Mommy got home and I was running about chasing my squeaky ball. Trying not to look too guilty I gave her some lovin and looked just as cute as always. Another day in the life of Lincoln - its always good !!!
Until next time my sweets, Yours, Lincoln

Woe is Me ......

Here I sit on the same old couch in Chesaning tap,tap,tapping along on my laptop - you see, I'm finally back from L.A. with my tail between my legs so to speak. Let me give you the long and short of it.
It was a Friday, I arrived inL.A. on my Private Jet (Airforce One) -still get the Presidential Royalties after all these years... My flight attendants are all yorkies, blonde yorkies, but that's beside the point.....after eating too many airplane peanuts and a layover in Nantucket (I don't ask questions, I just ride...even though its my own personal jet) I got off the plane in L.A. Something just wasn't right in the air, whether it be the salt from the peanuts or too much perfume on one of the yorkies, but I didn't like it.
I showed up at the Wiggles rehearsal with butterflies in my tummy - upon knocking on their dressing room door - it creaked open to show four grown men with five o clock shadows,pit stains and ciggarillos hanging from their lips. Turns out, this wasn't the Wiggles, it was the Wigglers !!! I was a BACKUP DANCER for an APPRECIATION BAND, not the real deal !! What the, who the? How could I go back home and face the music? I didn't, not right away anyway. During the day me and the Wigglers danced and sang for nursing homes and old run down Casinos, at night I was a doggy escort by the name of Gepetto. All it took was three weeks of too tight pleather pants, and my gold chain to get caught in my neck fur one too many times to realize, I missed home. I missed my mommy, the jerkey and the nice, neighborhood Yorkie - it was time to go. Within the same day of calling mommy, she arranged for Air Force One to pick me up, disheveled,hungry and lonely....(even my shoes had only one tap left on the bottom of them) - I learned my lesson alright.....for now I will eat my Jerkie and make eyes at the neighborhood Yorkie until I go back to LA (filming the Surreal Life) for six weeks. Hey, I'm still a 'C' List celelbrity -after all that chick from Facts of Life is hot!!! Natalie, here I come baby!!! Yours, Lincoln

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're Lincoln :)

My little feet are sore from doing a little soft shoe in our picture window in the living room (trying to impress the neighborhood Yorkie,) she is a little shy but hottttt! She's gotta like me when she sees my skiiiilllls!
So Friday I leave for L.A. - I have an audition to try out as a back up dancer for the Wiggles - a dog's gotta chase his dreams !! Momma's gonna miss me, but I'll only be gone for a few days then she can be my roadie if I make it....
Then I can buy all the Turkey Jerkey I want!!!
Anyway, all of this typing has made my little paws calloused and I need to look good for the audition! Time to take a nap -- :) Yours, Lincoln

The State of the Union by Lincoln Log

Ohhhhh why does my mama have to go off to work? Too bad greenies are so expensive - someone needs to bring home the bacon. Until then I will sit on the couch with my tiny laptop, eating my Turkey Jerkey (love it), watching the Wiggles and plotting a way to stay away from the two horny labs I live with (they show no mercy) - don't they understand I'm not a girl (although I am petite and a very fine young man if I must say so myself hehe) . Although sometimes I do like to show them who's boss - (the vet says I have an issue with trying to dominate my brothers) and I shock mom when she walks in the room and I am riding my brother (picture me grabbing the neck fur with my teeth and my feet not even touching the ground) SHOCKING! so silly .....
I like to spend my day alternating between Animal Planet (looking for a girlfriend) and the Wiggles (I don't care what anyone says they're cool.) I also like to be a ring leader often telling the two big labs (Winston and George-both named after great leaders themselves) what to do. Sometimes we like to empty out the lazy susan and clear every item from the cupboard - my brother Winston has a special relationship with a sweet potatoe (props to Dan Quayle on the spelling) and likes to carry it wherever he goes (carefully so as to not leave any teeth marks-silly wabbit) We also like to open the fridge,the oven and sometimes I even open doors (even without opposable thumbs)hoho
Right now my mommy is working hard answering 911 calls at work - I am waiting for Santa and his reindeer (which I find oddly attractive) hoping to slip my digits to Vixen - maybe I can get a date with a little Turkey Jerkey - you never know . I think I hear footprints on the roof now (better not be shifty eyed squirrels) - I have to go to bed ! Good Night everyone!