July 13th 2008 6:45 pm
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It has been one year ago today since I last saw your beautiful face. I miss you so much. It has been a year of tears a year of pain and a year that brought relief. You and Sooke sent us Moxie and for the most part she has kept the tears from my eyes. She has the piss and vinegar that you had, so you would hate her.
I wish you were still here with us, rooing at night. You were here at the beach with us today. As we waited to see friends a boxer mix rooed and it filled our hearts to hear it. It also filled my eyes, when I realized today was a year since we last parted.
I hope you know that we love you so much. I still feel so bad about losing you the way that we did. I hate cancer.
Zoe please kiss Sooke for me and tell him that I miss him too. I always thought I loved Sooke the most, till you left. Now I know how much you became a part of our lives and how much of our hearts belong to you.
I have to go, it is too hard to type and cry. I miss you and love you so much little girl. Thanks for rooing for us today through that other dog.
July 27th 2007 2:58 pm
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I have been doing so well on the healing with the loss of Zoe, even picking up her ashes was OK. Today, I got the sympathy card from the vet and the tears have started again and my life has stopped again. I loved my little girl so much and she was so strong and brave. Whenever we left the house we never worried about the safety of the house, our little girl was there to keep her pack safe. When we went somewhere with she and Gromit in the Jeep, I never worried about someone taking him, she would protect him.
All this time I thought that I was protecting her and keeping her safe. Now I think it was her keeping me safe. My 90 pound pack of dynamite!
She got to the point where she did not like the vet anymore and would try to bite them. They knew that she had been sweet, when she was younger, but they no longer had a good girl in their office. So in the card they said how stubborn or something like that she was, but how lucky she was to have us. Maybe so, maybe she was lucky to have us, but I feel so honored and privileged to have spent the last eight years with that little girl. She showed me how strong she could be after her surgeries and how loving she could be as well. She even kissed me on the floor as I laid with her as the life went out of her body.
She was so special. God I miss her. I know it has only been two weeks, but....... I don't know. It just hurts. Supposed to be strong, but I am weak compared to what she went through. Maybe she can help give me strength from the bridge. That is the real biter, Sooke and Zoe in six months. Two of the best dogs ever, gone. Boxes on the wall, that is all they are now. Thank god, I still have the memories and the pictures.
Sorry for ranting.
Through tears and straining eyes,
I love you Zoe.
July 20th 2007 1:51 pm
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This time last week she was still here with us. We had a long wait to say goodbye. I laid on the ground with he rand loved her, giving her kisses on the nose just so she would kiss me back.
I want to be ok, but I can't. I can't seem to let her go. I know that she was in pain and it was the best thing to do for her, but I hurt. I hurt for her pain, I hurt for not hearing her breathing next to us on the bed at night.
She is free from her pain.
We have been going to the spot where we had dinner with Gromit the night that Zoe died and I feel like she is there with us watching us.
Death is a funny thing, many of us are taught that there is a heaven or rainbow bridge. I don't know, but I want it to be so. I want to feel her fur brush against my leg, I wouldn't even mind cleaning up her slobber again.
I loved Sooke and Zoe more than air. I love them so much that my heart breaks more for them everyday.
I love Gromit and now he is our focus. He is not second rate or a replacement, he is himself. But, there can only be on Sooke and one Zoe and to lose the two of them in six months is more than I wanted to shoulder.
I feel like ranting and raving and crying. What good is it? She only lives in my heart. The crying will not bring her back, it only makes my eyes hurt.
I have had so many people offer so much love and it helps more than they know. But I am still faced with this place in my heart where a living breathing little boxer baby used to be.
I don't want to quit living. I am just having a hard time getting restarted again. It comes and goes like rain. When there is a little bit, I can walk around in it and be fine, but when it comes down all at once I am paralyzed and can't move. I don't want to be removed from it. I know that I need to feel the pain, but dang does it hurt.
I wish I could do better, but I am just human.
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