Gunner is an angel now

May 1st, 2007

I told the story of Rainbow bridge to my son today on the way to drop him off at school. We spoke of green fields and green grass and very very fast squirrels. Rushing rivers, bones, toys and everything that makes a dog happy. We spoke of no more pain, meeting up with loved doggie companions and black and tan angels getting their wings. We spoke of furfaces peeking over the side of that rainbow, keeping an eye and a paw on people they loved while Jesus strokes their velvet ears.

It sounded good, it sounded peaceful and most of all, it made sense. My son won't ever look at a rainbow the same again. He will see wagging stumpies and the outline of dogs and angels wings.

Gunner has crossed that bridge we spoke of, he used all four legs to do it and he can now fly fly fly over those gorgeous daisy laden fields I spoke of with my son. He is Garrick's special angel who watches over him and waits for his boy to cross that bridge to find him. Garrick knows this, he believes this because his mommy does too.

I told the story of Rainbow bridge to my son today on the way to drop him off at school. We spoke of green fields and green grass and very very fast squirrels. Rushing rivers, bones, toys and everything that makes a dog happy. We spoke of no more pain, meeting up with loved doggie companions and black and tan angels getting their wings. We spoke of furfaces peeking over the side of that rainbow, keeping an eye and a paw on people they loved while Jesus strokes their velvet ears.

It sounded good, it sounded peaceful and most of all, it made sense. My son won't ever look at a rainbow the same again. He will see wagging stumpies and the outline of dogs and angels wings.

Gunner has crossed that bridge we spoke of, he used all four legs to do it and he can now fly fly fly over those gorgeous daisy laden fields I spoke of with my son. He is Garrick's special angel who watches over him and waits for his boy to cross that bridge to find him. Garrick knows this, he believes this because his mommy does too.

So today is the day to say - Fly high with bright silver wings my Dobie, my baby boy and my son's best friend. The skies, like your mommy, wept for you today, the angels cried in loud voices like thunder that you were coming and candles lit up the sky like lightning in celebration of your life. I look up and thru those clouds right now as the sun peeks out, and I think I see the edge of your wings, my old man who is now young again. Your passing was peaceful, your eyes thankful and your belly full of what you loved most.

You were never my heart dog Gunner, you never needed me as much as some of the others. You were always content to be part of our lives but you didn't' feel the need to dominate it. You were gentle, loving and faithful in your own quiet way. Your heart was great, as was your love for us all. You were never my heart dog Gunner, but I see today that you were my heart. The quiet part, the soft peaceful part, the part of my heart that knows how to love quietly and completely and most of all unselfishly.

I don't feel rage in your passing Dobie, you taught me something better, that it is OK to love quietly, softly and I thank you so much for that. I don't feel cheated in your passing Gunney, I feel lucky to have been your momma through 11 years of love, laughter and life. So fly high my brindle angel, fly high on your bright new silver wings.

I love you Tudy, Dobie, Gunney guns, my old porkchop, my Doberweiler. Mommy loves you

A very wise, very good friend said...

"We hold them (our dogs present and past) in our hearts in a place all their own, and sometimes that place just gets too full of feeling and we hurt, but it is so much better than having an empty hole. Remember them with love and be thankful for the hurt."

Wow, was all I thought of when I read these wonderful words from my friend Lois recently. She was responding to another good friend of mine who had lost her baby Rottie boy to cancer. The words are beautiful and they are comforting. Especially to me right now.....

You see, my Gunner has been diagnosed with that very same cancer. The worst kind, the most painful kind...Osteo - bone cancer. A horrible painful disease that too many of us pet owners are on very familar terms with.

A month ago I sat in the vet's office, numb, staring at the x-ray of what I thought was a knee injury or arthritis or anything else. My mind screaming at me that that increasingly empty spot in the bone of my old man's leg was a shadow, a trick of the light or my eyes.

It just couldn't be cancer, Gunner was not going to go like this, he was going to just pass peacefully in his sleep - God and I had a deal. I wasn't supposed to go thru this again!! Once was enough, I was a good person, I shouldn't be expected to go thru this twice... This was some kind of mistake. That is what my mind kept screaming.....

While driving home with Gunner and my Sister-in-law and my 6 year old son, the Vet's diagnosis just kept echoing in my head. I just couldn't believe this was the way it was going to end, in a matter of months. This stupid visit wasn't supposed to end like this. My son was quiet most of the way home and then just softly asked what was wrong with his dog. I kept driving, looking straight ahead tears flowing down my cheeks and answered the best I knew how..

"Well, Garrick, Gunner is sick inside the bone of his leg. He isn't going to get better, but he will still be with us for a short while. We will be able to play with him and love him for a little while yet. When Gunner and God decide it is time, Gunner will hurt too much to stay with us, he will go stay with God and Shaye (our other Rottie girl) at Rainbow Bridge where he will never hurt again."

Garrick quietly considered this, hugged Gunner in the back seat and said.. "Ok mom, I guess I can deal with that, I will just love him until it is time for him to go."

Noel and I just kinda looked at each other and our faces crumpled. Kids are like animals in their capacity to love. Amazing.

So, the days pass and Gunner is here with me at home, where he always is. Our days together are numbered. Even with the radiation treatment to try to stop his pain, it is only a matter of months until my baby will be in God's hands. It sounds beautiful and peaceful doesn't it? But I know the reality, I have been thru this before. The only one this will be peaceful for is Gunner. But that is enough isn't it? Isn't it?

I sit here and think of what Lois said, of how one day soon that place in my heart will be too full, too full of feeling and hurt. But you know what? I guess the reality is that, it is better than no feeling at all. A hard truth, but a truth nonethless....

So for now, I treasure each day I wake up and almost trip over his body laying as close to the bed as he can. I treasure each stinky old man lick, each stroke of his velvet ears and each kiss he lets me bestow upon his greying muzzle. I treasure his love of peanut butter and jelly crusts and his penchant for sneaking into Garrick's bed and hogging the entire thing. I treasure my old man Doberweiler, my first baby, my brindle baby love and the most stubborn and smart puppy to have ever been born.

When the time comes, I will do my best to send him with a smile and a kiss, to remember to be thankful for the hurt because without it, I wouldn't have had the love. And the love, the love of this dog - has been worth every minute of the pain.