6 months already

This past Thursday marked 6 months since I was torn from my mommies and crossed the bridge. I can't believe it's been half a year already. As time goes by it seems to go faster. I watch my mama and she still cries. I try to go to her...I am there and hope she can feel my presence. Maybe that's when she stops crying and starts laughing about the funny things I used to do. She insists I was perfect...but her friend is quick to point out what a terror I was as a puppy....all the door frames she had to replace, the objects I ate, the fursis's I sent to surgery. But mama insists on remembering how I was the best dog in the world. As much as I would love that to be so, Mama, I was quite the challenge, just as Edith and Mr. Perkins are now. They cannot live up to unrealisted idealized memories...they are not the perfect me you remember. It's not fair to put that burden on them. They are just puppies.

I watch and laugh at the struggles mama thinks she is going through for the first time...not remembering this is really the second time around. She has put those aggravating times out of her mind all out of love for me. And she will do the same years from now. Such is the cycle of love and life.

To my mama....I love you with all my heart...for all you did for me...for what you refused to do....for what you remember...and for what you refuse to. I am by you yesterday today and tomorrow. Good luck with those little ones you call "The monsters"....and cut them some slack. They will be perfect in your eyes one day...if not already. You just have to allow yourself the room for all of us.

Love,
Your friend for ever-
~Nikita

My view from the bridge...6 weeks later

First of all let me say that everything is beautiful and perfect here. I play with my pals Bull Boy, Duncan, Sir Boxer Dan, and Babe. But I also take time to look out at my earthly friends and my pawrents. Baxter has still not gone home to his pawrents, but I want everyone to know that does not mean he is not having fun and he is not being cared for. At the rainbow bridge we are not at liberty to give details of things of things we are priveleged to know...as it may change the course of events and prevent people and pups from growing completing the work they are destined to do. I can, however, re-assure everyone that everything will somehow, someway be okay in time.

This leads me to my family and my pawrents. They have chosen two of the most beautiful, loving, challenging, and sometimes obstanant pups to be part of the family. They can never replace me, but my pawrents had become complacent with me because I was so good and well behaved. I was o longer in need of discipline nor training. They had a break for several years and now they are back on track...the pups are showing them what it's like to be vigilant pawrents again. They have accepted the challenge (all three of them) and have jumped in the game of life with all four paws and both feet.

Congratulations family. I know you still cry for me. But a wise person once said "Life is for the living..." I am proud of you for living your lives as I go on my journey as it is laid out for me. ♥

The Torch has been passed, and my light burns brightly....

She's crazy I tell ya. I watched yesterday as my Mama brought home that Edith pup I was lookin' at. She's really cute...but crazy. I know I was never that crazy. I was always the angel. BOL. This one, she won't slow down til she falls over. And she's needy...whining and crying and hates to be left alone. I think I shall have to send some of my calming thoughts to her or my mamas will never get through this. Oh yeah, and then there's Mr. Perkins...the abandoned Pit Bull pup who has also taken up residence. Two puppies. What are my mamas thinking? They have a lot of lessons to learn that I was not able to teach them and those pups have a lot of lessons to learn, too. I will keep an eye on the four of them. I think they can smell me and feel my presence.

My poor toys and the squirrel invasion....

I've been thinkin' a lot lately. I have a lot of time for that, ya know. I watch over my mamas and I see the empty house and how sad they are. I see the rabbids are runnin' amuck in there. They leave the gate open to their room and no pup is there to make sure that they don't come out. Truthfully, I think they are getting a little cocky. Stoopid rabbids. Oh sure...they look cute, but some pup has got to run that place.

And my toys. They just lie there in their brand new toy box. They love to get thrown about and they are just plain bored.

But the worst part is the squirrels and the chipmunks. They are taking over my back yard and my mamas can't stop 'em. They need some help or there's gonna be squirrel trouble, I tell ya.

So, I've decided my mamas need to find a pup to come live with them and take care of things. My goodness...things are just fallin' apart there without me. I have been lookin' around and I have found this cute little girl named Edith I've got my eye on. My mamas are goin' to the beach next week and I'm hopin' they will take my advice and bring home some help of the four legged BOXER kind when they return.

I know they will never be able to replace ME....but somepup has got to step up and take control of this situation.

My Earthliness....

My mama went to a place and picked up a box today. It had something already inside of it and she held the box close to her like it was very special. She brought it home and sat it on a shelf. She cried some more....again. I think the box has something to do with me...'cause she put my collar and my favorite ball inside. Maybe it's a safekeeping box for my earthly stuff so she'll remember to bring it when she comes to see me at the bridge. It could be a good while so she probably has to put them where she won't lose 'em.

I think she will recognize me when she gets here, 'cause I feel much better and the others say we don't get any older or grayer. So I should look just the same. My mama won't look the same I'll bet. But it's not the way she looks that I know...it's her smell, her voice, and her spirit that I really recognize. So I don't care if her looks change. She says she'll see me "pretty soon." But I know what that means. It means she'll be here when she gets here. "Cause "pretty soon" never really meant "pretty soon"....it just meant "I'll be back," or "I'll feed you when it's time." It made me feel comfortable and less anxious. I knew "pretty soon" could mean "much later", but it sounds nice.

Pretty soon, Mama.....

The mystery is over...

Dr. MacDougall called my mama today to tell her why I had to leave her. She said that despite my brave battle against my two soft tissue sarcomas (my tumors) that I was winning, I had a hidden cancer that no one could see. I also had developed hemangiosarcoma, a cancer that affects the organs and had gotten to my lungs. That's what those tiny red dots were. There was nothing that could be seen on xrays or blood tests. So I was fighting a battle I was never meant to win.

My mama feels overwhelming pain and guilt for entering me into the fight instead of playing with me for the past few months. Her eyes leak all the time and I cannot lick the salt off of her face like I would always do when that would happen.

It was my time. My mama loves me and I sure love her. I just wish I could put my paws on her shoulders and slobber those tears away.

Today I went to the Rainbow Bridge...the air is nice here

I can finally breathe. There are no tubes and my leg and chest don't hurt. I don't know where my mommies are but I'm sure they will be along. I can see Sami and Murphy. I haven't seen them in a long time.

My mama held me in her arms today and tried to make me feel better. But I just couldn't breathe well. My mommies cried and told me what a good girl I am. Then I went to sleep. When I woke up at the bridge I felt so much better than I have in so long.

There are toys here...but I like my own. I hope when they come they remember to bring my raquetball. I like it most of all. Mama likes to throw it far and I will bounce it all around.

~Nikita - we will miss you forever...your sweet soul has taken a permanent place in our hearts. I love you, my sweet girl.

Good news and bad news

So...I made it through the night....and through the surgery! Yay, right? Except they couldn't find the leak...only tiny red bumps on my lungs and some suspicious character hanging out on my right lobe. So they took that off. Now I have to wait to see if my chest fills up with air again....and to see what those bumps are. Are they bad or just nothing? I tried to get up and walk around and they gave me drugs to make me loopy again. I have a chest tube in to get all that stuff out that they put in during the surgery.

I'm restin'. I miss my mamas. My Mamas miss me. Maybe if I'm really good I can go home soon. I haven't eaten a good meal in a over a week. But I COULD stand to lose a few pounds. Maybe this is like that makeover show?!?!?!

All tapped out.....

They tapped my chest for the 3rd time in 3 days. It's filling up with air faster now. The dogter says it's time for a decision...open my chest...find the leak in my lung and fix it....or I have to go to the rainbow bridge. I just wanna go home. But I can't seem to keep a good air supply. Ugh. Surgery really just was not on my schedule this week...or this month...or for the rest of the year. These last four months have been, well....a bummer.

But, I think I got one more good try in me. If I can keep breathing okay tonight....Dr MacDougal is gonna cut me open again tomorrow. She's sweet and everything, but we have gotta stop meeting like this.

By this time tomorrow I will either feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders....or I will have angel wings. I'm not ready for wings, yet. My mama's not ready for me to wear them either.

What's a New Moe Thor Axe?

Who is this guy Moe Thor and why does he need a new axe? And why do I have to carry it? It's heavy, it hurts, and it's hard to breath with it.

I finished my radiation and cleanings March 18th and have been getting better and better. Finally a couple of weeks ago (about April fools day...I shoulda known) my leg really got better. Then I began to have a hard time breathing...or really exhaling. It sounded funny. I couldn't sleep at night and neither could my mommies. I was very uncomfortable at night. Then I didn't really care for my food. I wanted it...but not, you know? I would nudge it allllll around but just couldn't bring myself to eat it. My mama would try everything.

Monday (Apr 6th) I puked my food 3 times. I tried so hard to make mama happy and eat. Finally I kept some canned food down. I had my re-check coming up Thursday, so Mama thought she would mention it then. Meanwhile she kept giving me tummy meds and squirts down the throat.

The dogter said I probably just had a sensitive tummy from all the treatment...said they "COULD do xrays and bloodwork" but it may not show anything....or we could just try to "reset my GI system."

That brings me to Moe. Yesterday Mama couldn't stand it anymore and took me to my regular dogter who did xrays, took my blood from me (oweeee), and checked my belly. Not good news she said. I have a new moe thor axe (pneumothorax). Which is air in my chest cavity, probably leaking from my lungs.

So....here I sit in the hospital 1.25 liters less air....waiting....for mama. I feel better. They sucked it out. Can I go home? Please? More x-rays? Okay. Now? Mama? Where's my ball? I feel like playin' now! Maybe tomorrow?