It's our day...

I still miss her terribly. Romeo and Wish are doing fine. We're all happy and healthy and having a terrific little life. Still, I miss her.

Sometimes Wish does things that Lena used to do and it really bugs me. That seems weird because I would think that I would love it. When she climbs on top of me and lays along my side like Lena did, I just want her off me. BUT, when she lays next to me and puts her little head a certain way across my leg like Lena did, I adore it.

No one ever dances in a circle when I give them water. I didn't realize that I would miss that so much. No one ever dances in a circle when I come in. They just fly at me like some long lost X Man or something. I guess that's ok too but I sure do miss the circles.

Romeo has become a little more assertive which I'm glad about. Though it was entertaining when Lena punked him, I would feel bad if he let everyone do it. He holds his own with Wish and that makes me happy.

Sometimes I want to be alone with Romeo like we're war veterans or something. I bet that sounds really dumb but we rarely get time alone because Aloysia is quite pushy about being with us LOL. Still, sometimes I just want to cuddle up with him and Lena's blanket and try to figure out if he misses her as desperately as I do. I think he might though I've no idea why; she regarded him as little more than a general nuisance to our existence. He really aged when Lena left.

This November it will be 4 years that he's been with us. I've had Romeo longer than I had Lena. I've always loved Romeo but, with Lena here, it was sort of hidden -- like noticing one petal on a fabulous full flower. Romeo and I have a quiet bond that is quite different than the fierce devotion Lena and I had to each other. Romey's been more of a slow burner I suppose but I was surprised to find that I don't love him less. Just very, very differently. Healthier, I think, and I'm very very happy to have him. He adds a lot to my life and I would be sort of adrift without him.

Frankly, I realize that Lena and I had a terribly unhealthy attachment. That's my fault because I made the decision to acquire a dog under extreme circumstances. It was only intensified with the choice to get a senior rescue that was very ill. *shrug* Live and learn, I suppose. I certainly wouldn't change even one moment though I'm not likely to make that sort of choice again or, if I do, it will be for the "right" reasons. I've been told by my "normal" friends with no unhealthy attachments to animals that it was literally painful to watch. All of it -- the acquisition, the growing attachment, the devotion, and the resulting crumble. Ahh, the crumble. You all witnessed it here on this very page. I apologize for that, I really do.

I say these things to let everyone know that I recognize the situation in its entirety for what it is and I know now that I was needlessly cruel to myself by even becoming connected to Lena. Still, I cannot stress enough, I don't regret a single moment and the connection that I did make with her, however healthy or unhealthy, it was absolutely valid and I cherish -- literally cherish -- it as the most raw, real connection of my lifetime. haha I can see I still sound crazy. I guess some things never change.... I wouldn't take back having Lena, not for anything but I think I wish I had been able to have a healthier attitude about her existence. The fact is, the world DIDN'T stop revolving when Lena left but I sincerely feared it would and I really thought it almost did. That's not really ok.

I *think* I'm in a better place now. I think of her all the time and I long for her still but I'm less crushed by the weight of what I'm missing now. Every day and today of all days, I celebrate Lena and everything that she gave me and continues to teach me. I very sincerely hope that I will see her again. The light of her legacy still continues to astound me. She was a profound being, truly. I'd love nothing more than to be holding her at this very moment but I'm not and I'm still ok. I think that's what she intended all along.

Thank you so much for always being here for me, Dogsters.

Love,
Lena's Mom

What I am wondering is...

if she can feel how impossibly much I miss her tonight...

May 13: A Magical Day...

Tomorrow would have been me and Lena's third anniversary and her "16th Birthday". Oh, how I miss her.

I am praying hard for a sign that her energy is still here, with me. I am praying hard that this day will bring a flood of good feelings instead of more sorrow, and I am praying hardest of all that I will be able to get through tomorrow thinking only of the anniversary of our meeting and not thinking about the fact that our anniversary also marks exactly six months to the day since Lena left. I want to bask in the glow of our warm memories instead of feeling the more familiar chest crushing desperation that I feel most times when I think of her.

To Lena, the most amazing creature I have had the pleasure of encountering: I missed you yesterday, I miss you today, I will miss you tomorrow and always. Rest peacefully, my most cherished friend, for we will meet again.

Until then...

Yours forever,
Mama

Rest In Peace, My Best Friend.

Lena. I feel like I want to say everything and nothing at the same time. Most people know by now that my beloved friend is gone. Lena left me on November 13, 2007. It’s hard to know what I can say to explain how I feel and what I lost so lately I’ve just chosen to say nothing. The world lost a very important soul and I just don’t know important enough words to eulogize her. Saying this is making it final in a way that I just can’t face. That’s why I haven’t done it before now. I realize that people expected me to write a dedication to my Lena. I know that some people don’t even know she’s gone; although, I’m sure even those people can sense that there is something not right with the world. That’s what I have a problem with. I’m not crying every day and carrying on but still there is always, always something just. not. right. I feel like I’ve cut my arm off and I’m walking around with some gruesome bloody stump and everyone is looking right at it but no one notices or says anything. I feel so wrong in the most basic sense of feeling wrong. But, I digress…

My Lena overcame so much in the time I had her. She truly was an inspiration to everyone who met her. She was approximately 1000 years old and anything that could be wrong, was. Poor Lena couldn’t hear, couldn’t see well, had no teeth, and was underweight. In addition, she had arthritis, mast cell cancer, brain cancer, a stroke, and if that all wasn’t bad enough, she was forced to live with Romeo. Underneath her cranky, snobby, megalomaniac exterior, Lena was the most kind, gentle, loving creature on the face of the earth. If she bit you, you deserved it. If she woke you up 46 times a night for a drink, you shouldn’t have been sleeping when she was thirsty. If Lena barked for 45 minutes straight because “someone” was within 5 feet of HER blanket, you can bet it was a valid complaint. From the moment I saw her, I thought “ok, I hope she makes it to Christmas” or whatever significant date was next. I felt as though I was constantly on the edge, that any moment someone would come and say it was time for her to leave me. For everything that ever happened to her and for every single time I thought “oh God, this is it” she came back feistier than ever. Except the last time. I think that made it harder. To have seen Lena fight tooth and nail back to me through so much adversity, it was really heart wrenching to come to terms with the fact that this time she wasn’t going to come back. Lena was just so tired and all the stuff I saw in her eyes…every bit of fire in her soul…was just gone. She was no longer everything that she wasn’t. She was no longer “impossible” or “invincible”. Suddenly she was finally exactly what she was: an old dog struggling for life and wishing the pain of it all was over. Because Lena touched me in a way that NOTHING has ever touched me before, I chose to take every single bit of her pain away and I keep it inside me until the day I die. I did this for her because I love her so profoundly. In doing so, I really feel as though I killed myself in a way. I held her in my arms, ripped my heart out, and presented her with it one last time. She was happy and safe and warm and she left with all of my love.

I miss Lena forever. She was a true lady and there will never be another like her. I’m so grateful that I got to have her in my life. Even though November 13 was awful, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Lena trusted me and I am so proud that I didn’t let her down. I hope that someday I will think about Lena and be happy instead of thinking of her with such deep sorrow. I know it will happen eventually. I just really miss her.


If anyone is so moved, memorial donations can be made at www.kentuckianapugs.com in Lena's memory.

Lena's KPR calendar contest voting page is here: http://www.kentuckianapugs.com/photocontest_page4.htm

You can watch Lena’s YouTube tribute here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnK3iV0qpj0

You can visit Lena (and Romeo too) on Dogster: http://www.dogster.com/dogs/307093

You can visit Lena on Myspace here: www.myspace.com/beautifullena

"Dear Friend, you know it's time."

Lena and I spoke with an animal communicator tonight. We have met with her before at a pug rescue event about two years ago. She said that she remembered Lena because Lena told her before that she was "loved into real" by me. She asked what I wanted to focus on in the session and I explained that Lena had been very ill this week but today seemed better so I was planning on cancelling THE appointment. She cut me off and told me that Lena had just sent her the phrase "dear friend, you know it's time" very clearly. Lena is ready. Lena has been ready. Lena has been waiting for me to be ready and she says that now, I am. LENA - I BEG TO DIFFER. Shannon and I spoke for about half an hour. She sensed that Lena has fluid on/around her heart and says that Lena feels "heavy" and has no energy left. She said that Lena was finding it hard to focus enough to move and breathe at the same time. That Lena can barely feel her body anymore because she has already started transferring energy out of her body. That it's hard for her to breathe. That it's time. That she's ready. When I said again that I wasn't ready, Lena said "ok, I will let you carry me around as long as you need to because I want to stay with you but it's hard for me to remember how to breathe." Lena said she felt like her body would last two more days or maybe a week but that when her eyes went dark and she wouldn't get up that she was gone. I asked if she wanted "help" or if she wanted to do it on her own. She said she wanted me to help her because our bond is so strong she didn't know if she would be able to do it without help. She called today "a golden day with a feast of happiness - a great gift, but the tide is turning" I saw her eyes go dark and blank on Thursday which is how I knew that day that she was gone. But she came back. It's like she came back because she knew I had made a plan. But now I have failed her because I am not sending her to the bridge tomorrow.

Lena said "know in your heart that we cannot be seperate". She said that Lena would send bunnies and ring bells. She said that I would feel Lena moving the covers and that she would be with me in my dreams. Lena told Shannon that I hold her next to my heartbeat and that we cannot be separated because our heartbeats have heard each other. It's funny because if you read Lena's diary, I'm sure you'll see her refer at least once to "the heartbeat spot" as "her spot". Then Shannon said "Lena said she knows you can't sleep because you want to be as close to her as possible. She said it's ok if you hold her paws." This blew me away because last night I fell asleep holding Lena's paws. Lena normally won't let me touch her paws but last night she let me hold them while we were in bed. Lena also mentioned that she was so "honored" about her new blanket and happy that no one else would ever use it. (There is a story there that I just cannot bring myself to share right now) She said that she felt "merry" when I put the "thing that ties" around her neck. All I can think is that she is talking about the bow that Winnie sent to her.

Lena said that Romeo is a "buster" (LOL!) but that he's good company to her and that he is good for Karsyn and that he has been a big help. She said that she has had to get on him a couple times this week because he tries to help her move and he won't understand that she can't move like she used to. This is true, Romeo has been acting very out of sorts this week and at times won't go anywhere near Lena. Lena expressed affection for her arch nemesis #2, Karsyn (my daughter). She said she loves watching Karsyn and referred to her as her "baby". She also said that Karsyn tells great stories and that her hair tickles Lena's nose. Then Lena said that she has really enjoyed watching me grow and that her life started over with me because her trust had been broken before. That she had seen love and knew it existed but didn't know it was like this. She said "love is uncomfortable sometimes, but wonderful!" She told Shannon that she had connected me with other humans who were older than me and that she was proud of herself for that and that she knew they would watch over me when she was gone.

This isn't really what I wanted out of the session but it is what it is. I don't know what to do.

Chassity

Heaven can wait.

I'm so happy I could burst. My Lena peed a GIANT pee (on my bed lol) this morning and she got up and drank a lot and even ate a little before laying back down. THIS is what I wanted to see from her! I'm definitely cancelling tomorrow's appointment. The last five days have been HORRIBLE and if I could have gotten her into the vet on Thursday, she would already be gone. That is how bad she was and that is how sure I was. I felt cruel and awful for holding her here. I am so happy. I am SO HAPPY. I just can't even express to you all how happy I am. I was so afraid that the hour of happiness last night was isolated but it looks like it is indeed carrying over into today. Yesterday when I left for work, Lena still couldn't even move - let alone stand up (or even sit up) or walk. It is a miracle.

This time is not the time. Lena stays!

Chassity

Two more sleeps

Am I insane or just in denial or something? This is "Mama" by the way. Lena is entirely too full from tonight's ration of filet mignon to even think of writing.

So, I have made it my business to read as much as possible about what I am going through, etc (that which must not be named). I think I have skipped straight into the "bargaining" stage. Lena has skipped straight into the "act like everything is normal so you can fake out your mom" stage. From each minute to the next I am telling myself "ok, if Lena does XXXX then I won't go through with this but if she does XXXX I will" etc. Really what I am doing is making myself insane and I realize this intellectually but I just wish someone would make my heart understand. I told myself today "if Lena is in a different spot than when I left, I will cancel the appointment."

Yesterday I made a tribute video to Lena. I don't know if I did it to come to terms with what was happening or to torture myself or what but I didn't want to wait, lest I be tempted to put in "end of life" photos. You can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnK3iV0qpj0 if you're interested in feeling like you're dying. Apparently that's what I am interested in because I feel like I am torturing myself every chance I get. I should state up front that I am quite drunk at the moment and prone to ramble incoherently in my grief stricken, inebriated state. Drinking? Seriously? I just don't know what else to do at this point.

It started last night. I feel like I am literally dying. I literally feel my throat close and then I can't breathe. My heart races and I suddenly feel like I am going to throw up. Then I get the desperate feeling that I would eat my first born if only someone would make me not feel this way.

Yesterday Lena hauled ass over to where I was like if she went fast enough she would make it. I mean, she saved up all day and spent 24 hours worth of energy going 2.5 feet. How do I give up on THAT, right? But, she still hadn't peed and obviously a dog that hasn't peed in 48 hours is not a well dog. Until she peed today.

I am dying. I want to cancel the appointment almost more than I crave the breath of life. It's just hard to know if I am legitimately saying "nope, she's not ready" or if I am just making it up in my mind. I was SO SURE on Thursday. Today I am exactly the opposite. I don't know how I am going to make it through.

Tonight it seems even more final than ever. I'm not ready. I'm just not, but that's a given. The question of the century is "Is she?".

I have to be able to answer that question without any doubts tomorrow. Otherwise I am not doing anyone any favors right?

So...here's my Friday update.

Have you ever seen the movie Dead Man Walking? Me either but I do like the drama of likening myself to "Dead Pug Walking" except I'm not dead or walking. Shoot, I'm not even standing! BOL! Actually, today I have made a herculean effort to make sure that I leave mama with tons of good feelings so today I did a couple things to make her smile.

1- I got up and did a 2 foot mad dash to be closer to her. She wasn't far but I wasn't touching her so she wasn't close enough. Mama was pretty excited and even giggled at me when I stumbled over at approximately 100mph. I figured that the sheer velocity would hold me up. It worked. I got two feet and then fell at mama's feet like I wanted. She immediately put me back on her lap. I mean, I was only off her lap for about 45 seconds but still...

2- Mama brought me some filet mignon like she promised. I saw the white box and I went nutty, Lena style. Then she fed it to me bit by bit. I swear it's like little drops of heaven.

3- I am currently on a pillow in mama's lap with my security blankie at the computer. I am licking my feet. If a giant wet spot on mama's shirt won't make her happy than nothing will.

Now, just in case mama would interpret these three things as signs that I am cured and surely want to stay, I have made sure to not spoil my 3 day pee free streak and I refuse to drink more than a couple teaspoons while being held up like a common invalid. Today I have refused any and all kibbles. My point would have been clearer but there is no way that I can refuse filet mignon. I mean, it's straight up cow. What're ya gonna do?

I'll check in tomorrow.

Love,
Lena

Don't be jealous...

Friends, I have a date with a Rainbow. Now, don't be sad! This is very exciting for me! You see, things just have not been very nice for me for the past few days and I really decided that I'm just...tired. I'm tired of aching when I get up after a long time in bed. I'm tired of being in charge of this whole household and everything in it. I'm tired of worrying about mama when she leaves. I'm tired of biting Karsyn. I'm tired of biting Romeo. I'm tired of barking at any food that anyone consumes within a mile and a half of me. Friends, I'm just tired.

Now, I don't know for sure what's going to happen but mama completely assured me that they will most definitely let me in. She said that the keeper of the bridge does not discriminate on whether you were a nice puggy or a mean sassy grumpy grammy puggy, everyone gets in. So that's good. Plus mama said that she would fill my belly up with the rarest filet mignon she could get her hands on so that way I wouldn't have to worry about getting hungry on my way. She said I could have as much as I want. One or two or five, it's however many I want. Mama is taking donations for the endless filet mignon buffet BOL! Mama has also promised to take me outside and let me conquer a leaf pile for old times sake. I can't walk but she said she will hold me up and let me crunch those leaves. Last night she even let me sit on her lap in the bathtub. It was really great.

I want everypuggy to know how much I have enjoyed each of you. We will write daily until my date on Monday. It will be me or it may be mama if I don't feel up to writing. I love you all and I wish you healthy butts, cancer free thighs, no strokes, no seizures, no brain tumors and most of all NO FLEAS AND NO BROTHERS!

Love,
Lena

Good Evening, Friends...

Well, I'm still here today. I'm pretty tired but I press onward. I've been laying around mostly (get it? since i can't get up? hardy har!), reflecting on my life up to this point and trying to decide which path to take now.

See, really I could go two ways here. I could get better, AGAIN, and me and mama could live happily ever until-it-happens-again. I gotta be honest. I like this option for a few reasons. One: Filet Mignon. I looooooove filet mignon. Two: Mama. I love mama even more. Three: Mama. OK, I know I already said "mama" but you gotta admit, she gives me a pretty cushy life. I get to eat anything I want, most any of the time, regardless of whether it's "mine" or not. I have no less than 25 blankets that belong only to me. I have countless pretty dresses and necklaces. I have a whole toybox filled with toys that I have never played with and many many a bone that I have licked. I have two beds (well, ok, mama said that technically one is romeo's). I have three pillows. I have Karsyn, I have Mr Stinky Fatty, and I have Mama. Admittedly, I don't always see eye to eye with anyone who isn't mama. But still, what if I wanted to play one day? I mean, I haven't played, ever, but what if suddenly I wanted to? I do feel as though I have some unfinished business on this earth. For starters, I have never ever ever kissed my mama. Ever. I believe mama may have mentioned it before as it's a source of great sadness to her. What if one day I decided "ok, I will be a common dog and I will lick faces." Because, for the love of pug, if I'm going to lick a face, it's darn sure gonna be mama's. She is the only one around here that doesn't have cooties. For another thing, me and mama have a routine. It's very important to mama. We cuddle cuddle cuddle any chance we get but every single night, without fail, no matter where I am, she shuts off all the lights, picks me up, kisses my cheek, and tells me how much she loves me. Then she carries me to the hallway and we look at ourselves in the mirror to see just how fabulous we both look. I have to admit, I really enjoy this part because frankly, I look great. Then mama takes me to her bed and we snuggle in the blankets and I lick my feet for half an hour and then mama tries to get away from the wet spot and then we go to sleep. It's the same every single night. See? Talking about it just reminds me of how great my life really is.

But then I think about how tired I am. How I have been feeling a little sad for the past couple of days. How sometimes my legs hurt. And how sometimes when I feel thirsty I just can't get up and get over to my water. Mama helps me, she really does. Mama has hand fed me my kibbles one by one and mama has held me to drink. Oh, it's nice having that time with mama, but then I think about how I would just rather be able to eat a kibble or have a little sip of water on my own two feet. Mama told me that the leaves are getting crunchy. God, but I LOVE crunchy leaves. Mama said that when I feel better I can go outside and walk in the leaves. I just don't know if the thought if a leaf pile is enough to carry me through this. When I think back to my conversation with mama about the Rainbow Bridge, I have to admit, revitalized, restored, and all that sounds pretty good right now. It's a tough decision for me.

I can stay here and be so happy with my mama or I can float away on a cloud in the arms of my beloved mama. Either option sounds heavenly. I'm just afraid I'm going to miss mama too bad. It's hard to say which road I should choose. Mama promised me that she would help me, whatever I decided, and that she wouldn't even try to change my mind. I just have to tell her which path I want to take. I have a feeling I'll know for sure in the next couple of days. I will keep everyone posted.

Love,
Lena