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Adventures of a lead dog

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I am the lead dog

July 23rd 2007 8:33 am
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It is a warm summer day. The birds are singing. I want to kill them. You might say it is a typical summer day for me. Are mosquitoes little birds? They are annoying like birds, but they don't sing. Their humming noise is actually worse. I hate them too. I think the Fster should help me fly around and kill them. I often fly into the car-with Fster's help. He is a good co-pilot.

Angel now has a new shirt that says "Brother for rent". Mommy thought it was cute and funny. I don't see anything funny about it. Oh wait, it must mean the Fster. Yes, that is hilarious.

Angel is okay most of the time---as long as she knows that I am the lead dog. She has a bit of a problem understanding the concept. I keep saying Demon is the lead dog, and Angel is a wheel dog. She isn't quite getting the point. She says she is the lead dog. What an idiot!!!!
Demon Flash Bandit (LEAD DOG)

 

Vote for Me

July 22nd 2007 10:32 am
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After giving the matter considerable thought, which is important when you are discussing what you plan to do when elected president, I came to some major decisions. The first I will share with all of you dogs out there (and your human companions (who you need to make sure that they cast their vote for me). I will share the first of these major ideas today. Yesterday, I said, if elected, I would personally go and bite all the oil company CEOs. It isn't that I want to, but a president should do what the people want, and I hear a lot of people complaining about the cost of gas. That is when I realized that it is wonderful to have the death penalty for birds, but it is also important to have another group (like the oil CEOs) who don't deserve the death penalty, but definitely deserve to be bitten. I have to agree with Angel that mimes would be on that list. I would include quite a few individuals and groups which I will list a few of at this point:
1. Mimes (I just don't like them)
2. Tom Cruise (he is okay, but after I bite him, put him on some medication)
3. Paris Hilton (do I need a reason???)
4. The CEOs of the dog food companies that sold contaminated dog food
(the biting does not necessarily mean they won't get the death penalty
along with the birds)
5. Ronald McDonald (many employees and former employees of McDonalds
wanted him added to the list--it isn't personal for me because I won't eat
their burgers-I only eat Burger King burgers and Arby's roast beef---I didn't
say I wasn't picky). Angel thinks he is okay. She will eat there. She will eat
eat anything.
6, Fleas (after biting them, they also get the death penalty, but I would enjoy
biting them first)
7. Birds (see fleas for reason-and yes they still get the death penalty too)
8. The Medical Profession (they should have found a cure for Daddy so he
would still be with me-Mommy says they are okay, but I still want to bite
them)
9. Angel for stealing my rawhide bones)

These are just a few of the people (and animals) who would be bitten. If I can't do all the biting myself, I will enlist the aide of my fellow dogs. I think I can persuade Savannah Blue Belle to help unless she is busy with her cabinet post--she will be in charge of digging. Thanks to her, we have the Grand Canyon. Myf in Australia is doing his part. I think he should be allowed to vote. My opinion is that if dead people can vote, why let that little "he isn't a citizen" thing be a problem.
Thanks for listening everyone, and let me know if there is anyone you want added to the bite list: the mailman, the neighbor who doesn't like dogs, the groomer who hurts you, the vet, the inventor of the muzzle--that one is from Angel. When she bites, Mommy and Jeff put their hands over her mouth and sing the Muzzles Not Off song. Angel hates it. She barks if she hears the word muzzle, but it is funny. It has done wonders to stop her from biting, and despite Angel's whining, it doesn't hurt her at all--except her pride which is why she barks afterward. I sit and laugh and laugh. Anyway, as you can see, I'm open to putting anyone you dogs want on the "they deserve a bite" list. The bites are not fatal, and really not that painful. They are a symbolic way of saying, "you have annoyed a dog".
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. Don't forget: DEMON FLASH BANDIT FOR PRESIDENT.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog of the People)

 

A vote for me is a vote well cast

July 21st 2007 11:09 am
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I was just wondering how the presidential candidates are going to react when they have to debate me, Demon Flash Bandit. I bet they haven't even issued their positions on birds, the death penalty for birds, or why dogs aren't allowed to go anywhere we want. There is one issue that they cover that I haven't mentioned yet--the economy. I, Demon Flash Bandit, will personally go to the major oil companies and meet with all their CEOs and bite them. I'm sure that is what most of you humans want to do. If I run for President, I promise there will be no sudden upsurge in the cost candy due to shortages---unless I get to it. HAHAHA
Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate)

 

When will they ever learn?

July 20th 2007 8:25 am
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Yesterday, after I came home with my brother from getting my dinner, the door was locked to I lifted my paw and knocked on the door. You should have seen how excited the humans were!!!! You would think I had discovered the cure for cancer or how to make rawhide bones at home. Then I realized why they were excited---I should have rung the door bell. I'll have to try that next time. I think it must be because the silly humans would stand there all day, and never be smart enough to knock on the door. Now I've taught them a new trick. What would they do without me?
Demon Flash Bandit (Teacher of humans)

 

Orlando, Alaska--Would I make up a town just to go to- Alaska?

July 19th 2007 10:17 am
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These entries are such a good opportunity for talking about things that bug me--and I don't mean little insects although they do "bug" me. It is July outside. It is hot and humid and generally miserable. What do the stupid humans say to each other? "What a lovely day". Lovely day---are they insane? I have experienced days in January with snow on the ground, the water icing over, and more snow coming down. What do the humans say then? "It is snowing again, is it ever going to stop. I hate this weather" (at least that is what I hear Mommy saying). I LOVE snow. I LOVE cold. I LOVE ice. All of these are good things. If you don't believe me, ask any sled dog and they will back me up on this. I know you humans can't do anything about the weather (if you could, you would probably create a "spring day" year round). This is why I want my fellow dogs (particularly huskies who really love winter) to make some kind of device to keep our lovely snow here all year. We also need to kill all the birds so they will quit stealing it. I've got to go now, and find a spot next to an air vent. Summer is an awful time of year. Why don't I live in Alaska. Mommy, I hear Alaska is tropical. Yes, trust me, I saw photos---palm trees, tropical plants alligators, etc. I'm sure it was Alaska. It was in Orlando, Alaska. I think we should move there immediately so you can experience this lovely weather year round. Have I ever been wrong? Did you have to bring up that incident? Sorry dogs, I have to go. I need to win this argument with Mommy.
Demon Flash Bandit (Geographer)

 

Why buy bad movies?

July 18th 2007 10:36 am
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I hate to hurt my brother's feelings, but Angel has been studying his behavior, and we are both very worried. Angel actually pays attention to what he does--partially because she likes to lay on his bed. We understand why he buys toys. Who doesn't? It is he pre-occupation with movies that astound us. We understand a good movie like Eight Below, but he buys bad movies. Yes, you read correctly. HE PAYS GOOD MONEY TO BUY BAD MOVIES THAT HE KNOWS AHEAD OF TIME ARE AWFUL!!! They are some of the worst movies ever made. It is called Mystery Science Theatre, and there is a guy and a couple of home-made robots making fun of a really bad movie. Angel and I have no explanation for his odd behavior except to say that he must be stupid. Angel even overheard something about building his own Mystery Science Theatre robot. I think the kid needs to get a life. Angel concurs. Angel and I are planning to build something meaningful and worthwhile. Angel wants ot leave a memorial to her last meal in the hall. I think it is a bad idea. The humans don't seem to appreciate when you do that, but it makes about as much sense as Jeff's entertainment choices. I'd better try to stop Angel before she leaves her "memorial".
Demon Flash Bandit (Sane Dog)

 

You can order cool things on the net

July 17th 2007 10:58 am
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Angel's finally covered something of importance in her entry yesterday. The humas do hog the computer, and I think I know why. They don't want us dogs to have a lot of computer time because they know we would be ordering stuff on the internet. Personally, I would like a poster of the Underdog movie to hang in my room. I would also like to order some steaks, maybe some squeaky toys and rawhide bones. Hey, I'm on the computer now which means I am wasting time writing this when I could be ordering cool stuff. I have to make this one short. Hey Mommy, where is that little plastic card you keep in your purse---the one with a bunch of numbers on it? Why do I need it? I just like to look at plastic stuff. All you dogs out there: get the plastic, get on the computer, order cool stuffl
Demon Flash Bandit (Shopping Dog)

 

Lawns are stupid

July 16th 2007 10:20 am
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It is time for my diary update which means I am awake. I didn't say I'm happy about being awake. Humans should realize that the dream world is better than the awake world. Dog food doesn't even exist in dreamland---only candy and human food---and you can eat all you want.
Today I will discuss the lawn. I can see its use because I like to eat grass. Of course, it is another fun thing Mommy won't let me do. (No, she hasn't sprayed any chemicals on it---that would require her to actually acknowledge its existence.) Sadly, most humans don't share her attitude. Humans set aside large amounts of land for lawns. They spend countless hours (and money) to keep it looking green and lush. Then after they get it to grow, the humans spend more time and money cutting it down. It does make you wonder about the humans, doesn't it? That is money that could be better spent buying their pets human food instead of dog food. They even have "food" for the lawn. I bet the lawn would prefer human food also. Their food looks like it would be really lousy. Anyway, after all that effort, they have what they consider a "beautiful lawn" if they are lucky. Some of them still have "problems" that require more time, work, and money. If they would let their dogs do the landscaping, there would be lots of lovely holes which would require no attention at all. I know you humans are thinking, I don't want a bunch of holes in front and back of my house. For you silly people, I have 2 words--Grand Canyon. My friend Savannah Blue Belle dug that little hole and look how many people go see it. Do human yards of grass get millions of tourists coming to look at them? The answer, as you humans already know is. NO THEY DO NOT. My other friend, Myf is busy digging holes in Australia. Keep up the good work, Myf. Let me know when you are done. It may take a few months to dig one as big as the Grand Canyon so don't get discouraged. By the way, have you humans noticed how the birds steal your grass seed? They are so evil.
This is why I'm running for President. We dogs are far more practical than you humans yet you have been in charge. Does that make sense? The answer is no it dosn't. I have to answer it because you humans who are reading this would inevitably get the answer wrong.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Bulldozer)

 

Birds cause global warming

July 15th 2007 8:30 am
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Yesterday started as a win-win day for me. Angel got shots, and I got treats also. However, judging from Angel's grouchiness the rest of the day, she could have skipped the shots as far as I'm concerned. She barked at me for no reason, she nipped at me, and Mommy told her she was being a little pain. Yes, Mommy who hardly ever says anything to Angel, told her that her name didn't fit her at all. It would have been funny, but I have to live with her grouchiness. Mommy says maybe the shots made her feel bad, and probably caused her to be grouchy. I hope she is in a better mood today.
I should cover a few more campaign issues. A lot of you have expressed concern about global warming. The other camp thinks there is no global warming at all. I hate to inform you people, but---one group will be right and the other wrong. Global warming sounds good to some people (like my snow, winter hating Mommy). They think it means that the whole world will become California. The more serious issue here is: is it real? Judging from the past week or two in Michigan, I will go along with the yes, it is group because it has been hot, and I haven't been happy. Now that we have established the validity of the concern, we need to find out what is actually causing it. I've announced my findings in previous entries. THE BIRDS CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!!! They steal snow, and then it gets hot---GLOBAL WARMING. I hope you people will stand with me when I decree: ALL BIRDS MUST DIE.
I'm glad Angel Zoom Smokey has friends with "muscle". We can use all the help we can get. Enjoy your weekend.
Demon Flash Bandit (The Best Dog for President)

 

My Opinions

July 14th 2007 10:32 am
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Mommy just got back from the vet. I didn't get to go even though I would have liked visiting with all the other dogs. It was actually a win-win situation for me. Angel got a shot while I was at home enjoying a bone. Mommy then took her to the pet store, and of course, I get treats too. I love the mint flavored twisty allergy free things she got. I've been chewing on a bubble gum flavor rawhide which is my favorite. I love the taste of bubblegum. I got a few pieces when I was a puppy before Mommy realized that I would get into it, and moved it out of my reach. FOILED AGAIN BY MOMMY
Have any of you dogs made your humans try your dog food? I hope so. I love all the "health food" issues. "Dogs should eat dog food because it is good for them." Okay Mr. Human. Put down the twinkie and tell me its nutritional value. " None----than why are you eating it? It tastes good. Does that matter. It isn't heathy." I'm sure there are a couple of humans who eat only healthy food, but I suspect that the "healthy food" is in the dog food bag because the humans don't like it. As President, I would make it a crime to feed dogs food that tastes bad. "Yes, you get 20 to life in prison. Why? You fed your dog really awful tasting food. How do we know? Your dog turned you in. I guess that little walk you made him take wasn't fun."
That brings me to my next issue. What idiot human came up with the whole idea of exercise. It is work that accomplishes nothing. Why? I've got to agree with Garfield the Cat on the whole issue of exercise. Look at the silly humans who do it. For example, you see a bunch of people running a marathon. My first thought is, "Look at those poor people--they can't afford a car (or even a bike)." I've seen that kind of behavior before--it is from hamsters who are running uselessly on a wheel. THEY ARE IN A CAGE!!!!! They probably are frustrated and trying to get out. Why do the humans do it? It is fun. It makes them feel good. They want to win a competition. If you want a competition, try out sleeping the next person. A hot dog eating contest makes more sense. Find one of them or maybe a watermelon eating contest. That is a contest that makes sense. You get to eat as much as you want---and you get a prize for it. No one saying you shouldn't eat so much. Everyone is encouraging you to eat more. It is like a little piece of heaven here on Earth.
I'll cover more issues in the future. Be sure and join my group, Demon Flash Bandit for President. I am watching out for all animals---except birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Eat don't Excercise)

 
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