Adventures of a lead dog

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Puppy Slapping

October 15th 2007 6:46 am
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WOW. Yesterday, Angel Zoom Smokey wrote a dairy entry. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to update the dogs on Dogster about what you are doing. Sure, the rest of the family is on the computer a lot. If Angel wasn't so busy making "Puddles" and doing her puppy slapping, maybe she would have more time for writing her entry. I love her new nickname of Puddles, and believe me, she has earned it. For some reason, she has decided to "puddle" in the hall. She has even tried to act like it was me and Mommy saw her doing it. Puppy slaps of justice--she is getting a bit full or herself. You should have seen her face a couple of days ago when she puppy slapped me and I gave her the doggie slap of justice==and I have bigger paws. She looked so shocked. Evidently, she didn't like being the slapee. She has a point because being the slapper was a lot more fun than being the slapee.

Mommy and Jeff went to see a movie last night--We Own the Night. I had to babysit. I think I should be paid because I like money, and Angel isn't watching the kid. She is too busy making puddles. HAHAHA I may laugh, but she said she is making puddles so I'll drown when I go down the hall. I don't think that is likely to happen. She would drown herself first. Puppies are so silly.

I want to put in a good word for the nice people who make the Better Than Ears in bacon and cheese flavor. Those are wonderful to chew on. Mommy bought me more last night. I was carrying the bag around the house with me. I slept with it. I always check the shopping bags when they come into the house. Mommy says I am NOSY. I have no idea what that means. I think it means I have a beautiful nose.

I was reading an article yesterday about politics, and since I am running for president, I think it is important that I mention it. It was on the internet so I'm not sure where it was originally published, but it was giving support for some "human" named Thompson to run as a Republican. I thought it was stupid because it said that Democrats only want power. I guess the Republicans don't care anything at all about power. They spend millions of dollars to try ot win because they couldn't find any rawhide bones to chew? I'm sure both groups have good and bad people in them, but it is time to give the job to a dog--Demon Flash Bandit. I don't mind having the power to make people's and dog's lives better. Power is only bad in the hands of the wrong people. Besides, if another country gives trouble, I'll let my Secretary of Puppy Slapping take care of them. Angel Zoom Smokey will make a great cabinet member. She can use her Puppy Slaps of Justice to fight all the evil in the world. I told her to start with George W. and work her way through the Senate and the House. Make sure everyone gets puppy slapped so they won't mess up anymore in the future. Sometimes you have to clean up the mess at home before you can move out into the world. Just think how much better DC will become when all those politicians know they have to answer to Angel Zoom Smokey, Champion Puppy Slapper. Another benefit is that if Angel is busy puppy slapping everyone in DC, she won't have time to puppy slap me. HAHAHAHA As I've said before, I'm a genius.

I think I hear Angel getting up. I'd better go before she decides to start her puppy slaps of justice early. Remember to vote for me for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Cleaning the Nation One Puppy Slap at a Time)

 

We Aren't Allowed in so Many Places

October 14th 2007 9:38 am
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It is Sunday, and if you went to church, you aren't a dog. Why? Because church is another place where we dogs are NOT allowed even though we all know that dog spelled backward is god. I think the humans are jealous because God likes us dogs better. It isn't hard to figure out. We are loving and caring--the way humans are supposed to be. How many times have you heard the excuse, he is only human when humans make some stupid mistake or error in judgment? You don't hear people saying, he is only a dog. That is because we are better than humans. God made us men's best friends so we could set a good example which, of course, humans seldom bother to follow. Other reasons why we are superior to humans.

We are always clothed in fur. You don't hear a dog talk about an embarrassing dream where he was naked. WE HAVE FUR TO COVER US!!!

We walk on all four paws so we don't tend to fall as much. You don't see an older dog using a cane or walker. If you humans used 4 paws, you would get around a lot better.

We have sharper teeth. You humans have silly looking, semi-useless teeth. I don't know how you have survived.

You don't have a tail.

Your noses are small which makes it harder for you to breathe.

You sweat which, quite frankly, is disgusting. We are still glad to smell it for you. How else would you know it stinks?

We are smarter. You can argue all you want, but the fact is, we dogs are smarter. You don't see us going to work everyday. It would interfere with our naptime.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I want you humans to know that even though we are superior, we love you anyway, and are honored to be your friends. You do have one advantage that we don't---thumbs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Man's Best Friend)

 

Angel Zoom Smokey Doesn't Need Dingo Bones

October 13th 2007 9:36 am
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I'm back for another tirade about something. I have no idea what, but I'll think of something. I will start by giving you an update on my random thoughts from 2 days ago: Paris Hilton's new cologne's scent has nothing to do with what prison smells like- which makes sense since she probably wasn't there long enough to do any serious breatheing. French toast is called French toast because of how it is made--now where it is made. Are humans deliberately trying to confuse us dogs? I guess it is the job of the Secret Service to make sure that George W. is actually the real George W. and not the chimp that looks like him-maybe they use IQ tests-guess which one has the higher IQ. Cheney does have a heart so he isn't the tin woodman. However, his heart doesn't work well which explains his "bubblingly happy" personality. Vick and his friends should be put in crates and made to fight for their food. A jail cell is too roomy for them, and the food is way too good. Yes, a lot of people enjoy humiliating their dogs by making them wear clothes. There are some who just follow the crowd and don't realize how much their dogs hate it. If Angel continues to puppy slap me, I'm going to doggie slap her.

I've spent enought time on my random questions, thoughts and answers to previous random questions. I'll move on to other issues. My main issue for today is that I love dingo bones. They are better than regular rawhide bones, and I got a new one last night. Angel got one also and then she wanted mine. She loves dingo bones as much as I do. I like Angel and enjoy playing with her so here is my solution. I think Angel should go to the kennel everytime I get a new dingo bone. It is the perfect solution, and I like the idea. When she gets home, the dingo bone is gone, and she has no idea that she didn't get one. (Kennels are expensive--she can't expect to get a dingo bone when Mommy had to pay for her kennel). I told Mommy my brilliant plan and she said Angel isn't going to the kennel so I can enjoy a dingo bone in peace. I guess Mommy won't like my idea about replacing Angel with a robot dog that you can turn off at treat and toy time. I don't know why all my genius ideas get turned down. How many dogs would even think of having a robot dog friend? This is the reason I would make such a good president. I have intelligent ideas. The last intelligent idea I heard coming out of Washington DC--I'll have to think about that one. Nothing is coming to me now. Maybe I'll have an answer tomorrow.

It is Saturday, and I plan to get off the computer and enjoy the day. I'm thinking----NAPTIME

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Of Ideas)

 

I Have Some Answers

October 12th 2007 8:37 am
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The weather is becoming much nicer-my opinion not Mommy's. She is totally stupid when it comes to perfect weather which is why we don't live in Alaska. I have suggested it a million and a half times, and all she can come up with is: it is too cold. It is supposed to be cold. It is Alaska. I love cold. I wish she would get with the "husky program" and learn to like really cold weather. I have no idea why she likes palm trees. They are just big plants. Sure, they are nice to pee on, but I can find plenty of fun things to pee on. I have a whole list of things outside that get peed on. That is what I'm supposed to do out there. It is my career. I want to add that, as president, I will make sure that I pee on the things that need to be peed on. I think that this world would be a better place if the people running things had more courage about peeing on things.

I've done some research and found some answers to the some of the things I was "rambling about yesterday" in my random thoughts. Evidently, duck tape is not made from ducks. It might even be spelled duct tape which means it must be made out of ducts. I'm not sure, but there is a little yellow duck logo on the tape so I think the company is hiding something. I thing we should check into that company more thoroughly.

Hot dogs are not made from dogs (at least not here in the US). Dogs who eat them are not cannibals because they aren't made from any of our relatives. The dachshunds I interviewed are not afraid of hot dogs, but maybe they should be.

I'm still doing research on the rest. I had to have some time for napping. I can't spend all my time working. On the subject of napping, it is about time I get some shut eye. Have a good day!

Demon Flash Bandit (Researcher)

 

Thoughts to Ponder

October 11th 2007 8:23 am
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I'M BACK!!!!! Yes it is diary entry time once again. The time that all you dogs have been waiting for. What do you mean, you haven't been waiting to read my wisdom? Okay, get out of here. I see your feathers. You are one of those evil birds. This entry is for dogs (and humans) not evil birds. See how they try to take over the world. You can't even get on the computer without being pestered by birds. Feel free to kill as many as you can. I think you should leave their little dead bodies where the other birds can see as a warning. Maybe with the head bitten off. Maybe that will teach the other evil birds to stay away and quit anooying us.

Jeff's comedy routine went well. Mommy told me he was funny--like she had to tell me. I live with the kid. He is hilarious when it isn't pathetic. He is 22 years old and he is still buying action figures. Now I could undersatnd squeaky toys, but action figures? He did bring home one I approved of because it is one of my personal heros--UNDERDOG. I think that is a true collector's item. I'm giving my special husky howl to UNDERDOG the only real superhero. When I become president, I'm going to put Underdog in charge of something important like maybe the FBI. Does FBI stand for Fur Babies are Important. It seems logical to me because I am a fur baby, and I am very important as are all fur babies out there.

I have some observations and questions that are totally random, but I thought I'd just ramble on for a few minutes.

1. Is duck tape made from ducks?

2. Do we dogs really want to know what hot dogs are made from?

3. Continueing #2, if we eat hot dogs, are we cannibals?

4. Are dachshunds afraid of hot dogs?

5. Why don't humans enjoy sub-zero weather like us huskies? I bet you thought it would be another hot dog related question, didn't you?

6. Do they make French toast in France and ship it here?

7. If "French toast" is made here in America, is it American toast?

8. If a monkey enters the White House, will we be able to tell which one is the monkey and which one is George W.? (I've seen the internet photos, and he looks just like a chimp). It isn't an insult, chimps are very cute especially when they are dressed up in their little outfits.

9. Another political question: Is Cheney the Tin Woodman on the Wizard of Oz always wanting a heart. I guess that is what his "heart problems" are.

10. Why is it when some people sing, everyone thinks they are dying?

11. What scent does Paris Hilton's new cologne have? Is it called "Prison Scents"?

12. Why don't they put that Vick guy and his friends who were in on the dog fighting in cages, and get them out for fighting like they did their dogs?

13. Why do humans insist on dressing dogs in silly clothes? Do they enjoy humiliating us?

14. Why is Angel Zoom Smokey living in my house? I wouldn't mind it if she would quit with the puppy slapping. She is very free with her paw.

15. Where is Blue? I hope he is found soon. I know he misses his family as much as they miss him.

16. Why does Mommy think she can disturb me when I'm sleeping and ask me to move over? She has a lot of nerve.

17. Why did Daddy have to go to heaven when I still want to spend time with him?

18. Why do so many people mis-treat their dogs when we dogs have so much love to give?

I have covered enough thoughts for one day. I'll continue with my ramblings another day.

Demon Flash Bandit (Enquiring Dogs Want to Know)







































































9.

 

What Makes Humans so Odd?

October 10th 2007 10:31 am
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Jeff is doing a comedy routine in Ann Arbor, MI tonight, and that means Angel and I have to babysit for my other brother. I've been giving this matter some serious thought. They won't let me go see Jeff yet I was thinking that I should be performing myself. I spend so much time in my diary commenting on human behavior; and human behavior, is hilarious. I know all you dogs out there know what I mean. I don't have enough time to give all the examples because there are so many, but I can cover a few:

1. Humans spend hours staring at themselves in mirrors and then complain about how they look. If they hate their reflection so much, why do they keep looking? I'll tell you why. I firmly believe that they are delusional and think that if they stare long enough, a beautiful new body will start staring back at them. Of course, if it does, it is someone else's. I told you they are delusional.

2. They aren't covering my presidential campaign. The silly humans are running around covering the campaigns of a bunch of other stupid humans when they know a dog will do a better job.

3. They waste time "cleaning things". I have no idea what their obcession with cleaning is. If you ask me, it is time that could be better spent napping.

4. They don't enjoy a good rawhide bone.

5. They willingly take baths. All I can add to that is: HOW SAD!!!!

6. They are not covered in fur and have to waste time putting on clothes. Fur is so much faster and more practical.

7. They don't enjoy sniffing each other's butts? I have no idea why they wouldn't enjoy that activity.

8. They try to smell good, and it doesn't involve anything dead, dying, digested.

9. They are proud of themselves for working. Why would anyone work when they can take a nap?

10. They have no tail. How do you know when they are happy when they have nothing to wag?

I've just coverded 10 things, but there are so many more. As silly as the humans are, I still love my humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (The Sane One in the House)

 

Health food can make you gag

October 9th 2007 9:08 am
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Is there no end to this lousy weather? Another hot day. It is October. I called Mother Nature to complain, and all I got was a recording. You know how annoying those are.......if you have a touch tone phone, press 1 to complain about the weather, press 2 to report how much you like the weather, press 3 if Mother Nature is mad at you and you want to apologize for doing something stupid, press 4 if you want to talk to Mother Nature, press 5 if you want to talk to Jack Frost, press 6 if you think we don't care about hearing from you. You proceed to press a button, and then you hear the next recording......Woops, we are hanging up the phone. Mother Nature really doesn't need, care about, or want YOUR OPINION. Live with whatever Mother Nature decides to give you--she is running the show. Mother Nature needs some prozac.

Now to more important issues. I think I should be the King of Burger King. Did I hear someone laughing?What else would you call the head guy at Burger KING? I'm not going to call him Burger DUDE--that is disrespectful to his position as head of a national chain. Why should I be the King. I have hundreds of reasons, but mainly so I can get a burger anytime I'm hungry. Is there a better reason?

How many of you dogs like burgers? How many like dog food? Since most of you eat dog food, I do not think the humans are listening to you. I think I have the answer, feed them healthy stuff--you know the stuff that comes from those health food stores. The food stores that when you enter, the smell makes you gag and wish you could smell something delightful like a dead skunk. You can buy such delicacies there=and all healthy for you. They sell the food that makes you gag. Obviously, since the humans are so concerned about us, we should have the same level of concern for them. I'm sure they would enjoy a cake made out of bean curd and tofu. Maybe a little sugar free, fat free, good taste free candy. It does have taste--but the flavor makes you want to curl up and eat roach "droppings". Speaking of roaches, I suspect that the health food is the one thing that can kill them. Sure, they can survive a nuclear holocaust, but leave the health food laying around where they can eat it, and the little guys commit suicide rather than have to survive eating that garbage. It is so sad to see the roaches get out their little guns and shoot themselves in the head. One left a note that read, "I normally love eating garbage, but I have standards".

I have to go now, but I look forward to sharing some more bits of wisdom with you from the brain cells of Demon Flash Bandit. Until tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Genius Dog)

 

Demon Flash Bandit DAy

October 8th 2007 8:57 am
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Hi, my clumsy big paw hit the wrong photo on our home page, and my entry for today is written on Angel Zoom Smokey's page. It is entitled, Demon Flash Bandit Day, and it contains such brilliance that I"m sure you wouldn't want to miss any of my genius. How many other dogs would think of having an extra birthday and calling it Demon Flash Bandit Day (for Angel's benefit)? Angel shouldn't be having extra birthdays--you know how girls are about getting older. I'm only thinking of her We also can't have an Angel Zoom Smokey Day. There are already too many holidays. DEmon's DAy was the last holiday available.

For those of you who might not be familiar with dogster, just go to my page and hit Angel's photo, and you'll find my entry under the above mentioned title. I know most of you dogs already know all this, but some silly humans might need some help.

Demon Flash BAndit (A dog with his own holiday)

 

What the word, NUTRITION, actually means

October 7th 2007 9:17 am
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Jeff will be leaving us at home again on Wednesday to do a stand up comedy act In Ann Arbor. I am so tired of not being able to go with him. I've also noticed something that I think is vitally important. The humans never ASK if dogs are allowed, but they always say we aren't. Isn't it odd that they know without asking? I'm beginning to think we ARE allowed, and our human families are holding out on us.

I am officially changing Angel's name to Zoom Smokey. I like her, but she is not an Angel. If I get one more puppy slap, she is outta here. Oh yeah, if I can get Mommy to go along with me on those two ideas. If Mommy did what I told her to do, I'd have a lot happier life. I'd be living in Alaska---or as I like to call it, Paradise. It was over 80 degrees yesterday, and I was mad. It isn't supposed to be that hot in October. Those birds causing global warming have got to be stopped. I hope you humans will listen beore it is too late. The internet news said that walruses are being dis-placed. Is there no end to the chaos the humans are allowing the birds to cause. I hate birds. They should die.

Mommy went to Petco last night and brought home a lot of treats. I have to have dental bones. They are my favorites. Then she got us bulk cookies, and they even had a bag of Halloween candy bars for us dogs. They are supposed to be like human candy, but I looked them over and smelled them. I suspect they are counterfeit. Why can't the humans just share their candy? I have no problem with what the humans eat. It is going to take a dog to define the word, nutrition. This word comes from some ancient language which I don't care anything about, but my brother who passed on would because he took some ancient language called Greek (Latin was full so it was put on hold for later. Doesn't he sound like a fun kid?--notice the sarcasm). I'll break down the word for you and define it:

NU---New meaning this is a new thing
TRI--This means the number 3
Tion- Pronounced shun which means to leave something alone or ignore it.

When you put them all together, the definition is: When buying a NEW bag of candy, SHUN THREE of them (leave them for the humans), and you can eat the rest of the bag. THis is the true meaning of nutition. I'm so glad I can be of help and teach you humans some things you need to know. Until tomorrow (or if I was Angel--until I decide to find time to write again)

Demon Flash BAndit (Teacher)

 

Only Dogs can have Super Powers

October 6th 2007 9:10 am
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I'm glad it is Oct. 6. Yesterday would have been my human bother's 28th birthday. Mommy took flowers to the cemetery. It makes her sad to take flowers to Robert and Daddy. She and her friend went out for the evening. She said doing something pleasant helps keep from focusing on sadness.
I stayed home with Jeff. That kid is totally lacking a life. He was on the internet looking up movie trivia--yes movie trivia. He could have been looking up specialty dog bicuits, new dog toys, etc. Instead of he wasting his time on movie trivia. He wasn't even checking out good movies like Snow Dogs and Eight Below. He was looking up silly movies like Superman. Do any of you dogs really believe that humans are capable of super powers. I can believe Underdog, but not Superman. Why is it easier to believe there is an Underdog (Underdog does exist) than a "Superman"? The answer is obvious. Underdog is a dog. Sorry humans, you arent' that talented. If one of you were given super powers, you'd probably be using your newly acquired super powers to scare a cat--not that scaring a few lives out of a cat isn't humorous, but it is a total mis-use of the powers.

I have plans for the day. I plan to take a nap, then chew on a rawhide bone. play with some squeaky toys and go get some dinner. I haven't decided what order to do the activities in, but I plan to take a nap first. I hope all you dogs out there have sweet dreams.

Demon Flash BAndit (BIg FAn of Underdog)

 
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