November 30th 2007 10:16 am
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How are all you dogs out there in "dogland" today? Are your humans behaving themselves. Most dogs have a real obedience problem with the humans. I don't think most humans have ever really learned to obey their dogs. I know mine have problems with it. My humans went to a movie last night. Mommy saw August Rush which sounded like a nice story. Jeff saw some stupid movie called The Mist which had a cast of stupid, bug type creatures. Why would any normal person want to see a movie with bugs in it? When I see a bug, I try to bite it. Mommy doesn't care unless it is a wasp or bee because she doesn't want me to get my mouth stung. Evidently, those little boogers fly around with swords that they stick in you and the swords are dipped in poison. Is it any wonder that I think they should be eradicated along with the birds? If anyone wants to know about the whole pollination thing (birds and bees play a part in perpetuating plant life), I've solved that problems already. I plan to start an internet dating service for plants. The plant can put its profile on the site, and other plants can see if they are interested. For example, A tulip and post on the site, I'm a red and yellow tulip who tends to be a homebody. I don't like to travel, and I'm open to dating another tulip or a different flower if we hit it off because I'm a fairly liberal tulip. Pollination problem solved. I don't know why we ever needed birds and bees for that in the first place. People managed to find their mates before the internet so I think plants were just too lazy to do the "foot work" themselves. Anyway, back to the movie thing. I wonder why my human brother would choose to watch a bug movie? I'm going to be watching that kid. What if an alien bug life form came and took over his body and he looks like a human, but he is really an big bug type creature from outer space? I hope everyone remembers to vote for me for president. Has the present administration showed the kind of intelligence and initiative to start a web site for plants? Of course they haven't. I have another tip for you dogs out there-particularly you sporting dogs and hounds which make up the "hunting dog" group. Don't go hunting with Cheney. He doesn't seem to care who or what he shoots at as long as he can shoot. I hate that guy. HE WENT BIRD HUNTING AND SHOT A HUMAN. I think all you dog out there know how I feel about killing birds. He had a chance to do a good thing, and he ruined it. We don't need leadership that can't aim at a bird, and hit a bird. I promise that I will shoot at any birds I see, and I won't shoot a humans.
Demon Flash Bandit (Bug Hater)
November 29th 2007 10:16 am
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I was busy with my most important activity when Mommy woke me to write this entry. Can't a dog get a decent nap around here? I must have stayed awake 3 or 4 hours yesterday, and I'm not trying to be critical, but this place is boring. I did spend some time working on a project I started a couple of weeks ago. It is a giant rawhide bone, and it needs to be chewed on. I worked on it for awile until I needed a nap. Chewing on rawhide is a lot of work, and it takes a lot out of a dog. I think I'll get back to serious napping now. I don't know why Mommy wakes me up to write an entry. I don't think the humans realize how boring their lives are. I think reading what I write must be the highlight of Mommy's day. I'll write tomorrow after I've had some rest.
Demon Flash Bandit (DO NOT DISTURB)
November 28th 2007 11:14 am
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Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night. Mommy saw This Christmas and Jeff saw Hitman. Jeff read my diary and was making fun of me suggesting a Hitbird movie. I went with that because Hitman is a man killing a man. I really don't care who kills the bird, as long as it is a bird that dies. Jeff said maybe it should be called Hitdog. I think that is silly because some people might get the idea that someone should be out there shooting at dogs. That is not the message we want Hollywood to send. I have to admit, Demon Flash Bandit, Hitdog does have a nice sound to it. I could be the dashingly handsome, overpaid hitman who gets paid for every bird he kills. I could work for the CIA---Central Intelligence for Animals agency. I could be like 007. The only problem is that I"ve seen 007 movies, and he doens't get to take nearly enough naps. However, I solved that problem by being a hitdog in Dreamland. I can live the lifestyle and still have plenty of nap time.
Mommy had to go to the paw dr. yesterday. He keeps asking her when she is going to have her paw fixed. She already had one paw fixed. Evidently, it wasn't a fun experience, and she acts like Angel and I do when we need shots. We prefer not to go. If I ever go back to that silly vet, and if she brings out a muzzle again, I'll show her why she uses the muzzles. It is a precaution for the vet so she doesn't get bitten. I bet there are a long line of us dogs who want to bite her. She takes us in another room and uses us as pin cushions. I don't know why they haven't shut these horrible vets down yet.
I'd better go. I hope all you dogs have a delightful, muzzle free day, and I'll howl at you again tomorrow.
Demon Flash Bandit (Muzzle Hater)
November 27th 2007 7:49 am
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Yesterday was so delightful. It snowed!!!!! I was so happy, and Mommy was so annoyed. Seriously, Mommy has no taste. I wish I could have stayed outside playing in the lovely white stuff, but I had to just admire it from the window most of the day.
Jeff said Hollywood will probably never make a title called Hitbird. It is their loss. Of course, they might need to change the title a bit because I would want it to be a movie about someone killing birds--not birds killing people. If one bird wants to kill other birds, I'm okay with that. That would just be less birds for us dogs to have to finish off.
I haven't seen anything on the news about the extinction of turkey from Turkey Killing Day. I guess some must have survived unless the news is just holding onto the story to make it more dramatic when they finally do announce it. Chances are, there are still some turkeys so next year we will have to try again on Turkey Killing Day. I was hoping we could move onto Pigeon Killing Day.
I'm going to get back to my nap. Remember, if a bird gets in your way, KILL IT.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who wants Turkeys Extinct)
November 26th 2007 8:29 am
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Good morning to all you dogs on dogster. I hope it is a dismal, snowy day where you are. We had some snow last night, but it didn't stay. I will spare you yet another tirade about birds because those of you who have read previous diary entries know I am not a fan. Maybe it is snowing today. I haven't looked out the window yet, but I doubt that anything so delightful could be happening around here.
Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night. They saw Enchanted. I think Jeff went there because he had a free ticket when he bought a dvd. He said something about Hitman being out, and he was watching a Disney movie about a princess and prince. I think he was complaining, but Angel said it sounded heavenly to her so he must have liked it. I'm a guy, and I know I don't care to go to movies like that. There was singing, and do any of you realize how annoying singing like that is to the average guy? We go to movies that are intellectual and cultural--they need to involve a good car chase and at least a few people dying with some gorey scenes thrown in. Hitman sounds like a delightful movie title, and it was Hitbird, it would be PAWSOME. I wish I could go to the theatre because an up-coming movie is a must-see for me--Alvin and the Chipmunks. It looks so good. I may not have mentioned it before, but I love their group. Mommy has their Christmas songs, and when Shelby tried to take them off, I got mad. I was singing along. They are truly a great group.
Mommy came home tonight and spent about 3 hours (or more) getting packages ready for E-Bay, I was napping, but I could have used more quiet time for napping. I don't know why the store is doing so well-a toy store that doesn't sell squeaky toys.. . . . . . .I don't get it, but then again, I have a brain. Ithink the silly humans will buy anything. Mommy stopped by the store last night and they were out of big dingo bones. Mommy brought home some small ones that are supposed to last a week. Seriously, they have day 1, day 2, etc. by each bone. I think the Dingo people should change that to 1 minute, 2 minutes, etc. because I can eat those little ones like they are Milkbone.
I've got to get back to my nap. I was having a lovely dream that Mommy had decided to move to Alaska, and I was frolicking in the snow and having a great time. . . . . . . .then I was elected president and had to go live in Washington DC. I know it sounds like a sacrifice (and it is), but it is worth it to make this world a better place--free from birds, and restrictions on where dogs can go, etc. Remember to vote for me, and if you have any husky pals in Alaska, tell them they are lucky.
Demon Flash Bandit (Hoping Hollywood makes the movie---HITBIRD)
November 25th 2007 9:30 am
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Coming to you live from Howell, Michigan, it's Demon Flash Bandit and his diary entry. I want to let Tinkerbelle and Lady know that I loved the photos, and wonder if they can be put on my page or in my group, Demon Flash Bandit for President. Tinkerbelle has a photo of me when I was standing in front of the White House. The photos Mommy took there didn't turn out good, and for the record, it is not advisable to pee on the White House shrubs even though you are doing it in protest of the present administration. I'm just lucky the Vice President wasn't there, and George W. was busy trying to shoot someone else. George W. still hasn't understood the whole bird-global warming scenerio. It is hard to believe since I would think he would get a kick out of shooting at stuff. Lady has a photo of me with Marilyn Monroe, and I looked very handsome in my suit. That was a night to remember--at least that is what Marilyn said. I have to be careful not to offend my girlfriend, Phoebe, who lives way out in CA. Nothing happened Phoebe. I told her that I already had a girlfriend and she had better find someone else. Of course, it broke her heart, and I hope she gets over it. I wouldn't want to hear that she had given up on life because she couldn't have me. It is a cross I have to bear. I don't mean to break hearts, but it just happens. Mommy says they fall in love with my pretty blue eyes. I just learned that Marilyn is no longer with us. I am so sad. I didn't mean to make her do something so drastic. Marilyn, I hope you find a blue eyed husky in heaven who isn't attached, and I hope you are happy.
Demon Flash Bandit (Heart-Breaker)
November 24th 2007 7:53 am
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This is a holiday tune I wrote. Yes, I know I'm not a song writer, but it is the sentiment of the song that matters: (to the tune of Jingle Bells)--the official holiday tune of Demon Flash Bandit:
_Birds Should Die_---The Official Demon Flash Bandit holiday song_
Dashing Through the Snow...............I'm riding in the sled.
If the humans make me pull..............They will eat some lead.
When I am coming through......................The birds had better run.
If they are in my way............................... I'll shoot them with my gun.
Birds Should Die....Birds Should Die..................Every bird should die
Killing birds is so much fun...............................Birds, kiss your life good-bye.
Doesn't that song just make you want to go out and kill some birds? It is one of those warm sentimental songs that just touches your heart with warmth. I hope you notice that, as a dog, I use actual words that people can understand. It is because I'm not plotting to steal snow and cause global warming. I am reminded of that old chicken joke, Why did the chicken cross the road. The answer: to help the smaller birds steal Demon Flash Bandit's snow. By the way, we actually had snow on the ground for Thanksgiving which made it an extra special holiday. Mommy didn't seem as happy to see it as I was. Mommy says she doesn't like snow. I know she is just teasing because I can't imagine anyone not liking snow. I hope you dogs will sing my official holiday song, and maybe it will encourage other dogs and humans to go out and kill some birds. I don't care how you kill them as long as you kill them. Remember the Demon Flash Bandit motto: BIRDS SHOULD DIE. I'll be back tomorrow. Same Bird Killing Time..............Same bird killing place.
November 23rd 2007 9:09 am
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I have a horrible thing to admit, and I want to get it out in the open before the other presidential candidates find out about it. Mommy didn't make a turkey yesterday. She did have some sliced turkey, but not a whole lucious bird. She fed us dogs----Angus steaks. I know that I want all the birds to die, but it honestly isn't my fault. I thought people had to roast a turkey on Turkey Killing Day. The commercials show people eating a giant turkey, and all of them are happy so I thought it was a law that people had to eat turkey. I didn't know Mommy had a choice and would be allowed to do as she pleases. When I become president, everyone will have to eat something from the bird family......IT WILL BE THE LAW! I told Mommy she is sabotaging my run for the presidency, and her reaction was---so you are eating steak....big deal. Yes Mommy, it is a BIG DEAL. The Angus cows aren't stealing my snow. The birds are. How do you get through to humans? Are they so intellectually challenged that they just don't understand anything you tell them. Next year there had better be a giant turkey roasting in the oven. I just wanted my supporters to hear it from me. I want you to know that if it were my choice, there would be 2 turkeys roasting in the oven-1 for the humans and 1 for us dogs. I know you will understand my problem since you dogs live in humans families, and those humans get some odd ideas about how they are in charge-which, of course, explains why the world in in such a mess. However........There's no need to fear....Demon Flash Bandit is here. I hope all you dogs had a nice Thanksgiving-----with lots of turkey and not Angue steak.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Deprived of Turkey)
November 22nd 2007 9:45 am
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I want to thank all the dogs out there who were so nice to me yesterday. I had a wonderful day. For those of you who asked, I had Burger King for dinner. I really love BK's little burgers. I still have some friend requests and paw mail to take care of. I'll get to it. I was a bit overwhelmed, but it was a wonderful birthday, and I want to thank all you lovely people on dogster. I loved all the special gifts on my page. Mommy went and got me and Angel each squeaky toys with 9 squeakys in them. I am so happy. Angel loves hers too. The great thing about it is that I will get a gift on Angel's birthday too--something about not having us try to kill each other over toys. Mommy had 3 boys so evidently, their childhood disagreements made Mommy cynical.
I did have a wonderful birthday, and even Mommy and Jeff were touched that so many people cared. I also appreciate all the support for my presidential run. Angel even officially withdrew from the race yesterday. I knew that video of her dancing with Jeff would be valuable. HAHAHA She actually wrote her own diary yesterday. I was writing one for her because I felt sorry for her because she had to spend so much time making Jeff funny and puppy slapping him over his stand up comedy. I do love Angel--I just don't want to share my dingo bones with her. Anyway, I did write it from her point of view which isn't difficult since her main interests are her cell phone, her make-up, and handsome guys like Capt Jack Sparrow. She still doesn't want to believe he is only a character that is made up. She is only a puppy. I guess it is more fun for her to have her fantasies so I try not to upset her too much. I still think Duchess on Snow Dogs was one hot dog-----and she isn't a made up character. She is a real live husky. I think Capt Jack Sparrow might be computer animated because he looks too handsome to be real. Again, I will let Angel have her dreams.
Today is Turkey Killing Day which you humans like to refer to as Thanksgiving. You call it what you want, and I'll call it what I want. I'm hoping that tomorrow there will be a news story about so many people eating turkey for dinner today that the turkeys are now extinct. Next year could then become pigeon killing day. I think there are humans that don't particularly like pigeons so it might catch on even better. Let's hope next year itwill be Happy Pigeon Killing Day!!!!!
I have been thinking about banning the use of leashes, but then I've heard about dogs running free and getting killed so I've got to put some more thought into that idea. Some things the humans do are in our own best interest.
I hope everyone has a nice holiday, and eat some extra turkey for the Deemster.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who had a GREAT birthday)
November 21st 2007 9:35 am
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WOW!!! Today is my fourth birthday (I have to wake up to write a diary entry yet Mommy hasn't up-dated my profile in ages). It says I am 2. Of course, being human she has an excuse or I should say lots of excuses......she isn't a computer nerd (like that isn't obvious when she has no idea how to cut and paste, and it took her about a year to learn how to up-load a photo). DO NOT ASK THE COMPUTER GEEK BROTHER ABOUT THE COMPUTER. That is how I know it is up-load instead of down-load. He went into a 3 hour tirade about it. If it wasn't for my high intelligence and above average napping skills, I would have had to listen to him for more then 2 minutes. She also said something really stupid about having a life which is totally hilarious. If I had her life, I would never get up from my nap. Up-dating my profile would be the most fun thing she could do. Maybe she can't handle so much fun and excitement. Then she said something about how she spends way too much time cleaning up after Puddles and the Phantom Dog. I have never in my life made a mess in the house. It is always the Phantom Dog who happens to look like me, but it is a coincidence or his name would be Demon--not the Phantom Dog. It took a while to get such logical thinking through to Mommy. Humans just aren't as smart as us dogs. I can't help it if the Phantom Dog knocks things down when he is trying to look out the window to see what is going on outside, and why do builders put the windows so high? Why don't they make a doggie window so we can see if there is any danger lurking just outside the door?
I WAS SO THRILLED TO BE CHOSEN AS DOGGIE DIARY ENTRY OF THE DAY. Mommy told me, and I was so excited that I actually woke up. Then I realized that she would expect me to write another one. Angel hasn't been keeping up to date with hers because she is still helping Jeff with his stand up comedy. She said she is afraid she will get a sore paw from giving him puppy slaps of justice. He is always trying to sit down. I've covered this in my diary entries, but Angel is now jealous, and I told her to give Jeff a few extra puppy slaps of justice to make her feel better. Sometimes she just tries to kiss him to death. When Angel kisses you, she kisses you, She will hold you down and kiss you until she is ready to stop which might take awhile. Jeff is one of those cry babies who says he can't breathe--like that is serious. I love it when Angel is kissing the humans because it keeps her out of my toys.
Since it is my birthday, Mommy is planning to get me some new toys and treats. I usually get a squeaky with a bunch of squeakies in it. Mommy knows how much I love the squeakys. She hasn't gotten me anything yet. She says she can't buy my gift ahead of time because I go through all her bags when she goes shopping. I have to check and see what she has gotten for me. I can smell a dog toy or treat from 5 miles away. By the way, why does Mommy not let me have Dove chocolate bars? I love those milky sweet bars, and she always takes them from me. Being an enterprising dog, I have managed to get a few bites here and there. I am still on my candy is good for you because it tastes good campaign. I love those tropical flavor Mike and Ikes and the little red Swedish Fish. Mommy still thinks I should only get a little of it on occasion. I still say the humans are hoarding the candy for themselves. You should see them stuff their faces with MY CANDY.
I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Turkey Killing Day tomorrow. I'd like to celebrate by killing some birds, but Mommy won't let me. I have explained how evil they are, but the humans just don't get it. I wish the humans could speak fluent bird, and then they would understand. That "lovely song" they are singing is actually, 'let's steal all the snow, and cause global warming, and kill all the humans, then the la la la the humans hear is actually ha ha ha.
I also want to remind all you dogs that I am running for President. I don't have to tell you that humans just can't be trusted to run things. They have a very small brain, and they waste much valuable time worrying about such silly stuff.....they actually clean their houses (okay, Mommy is too smart for that, but a lot of humans do). They go to jobs and work. Ask any dog--we don't work. I'm a working breed and I prefer to nap. I also think sled dog racing should be banned. Those dogs would be much happier taking a nap not running around pulling some stupid human who wants to win. Why don't they have a sleeping contest. That would be worth getting involved in. I will give humans credit. They do have a hot dog eating contest which is very cool. I won't take part myself because I don't like hot dogs. I perfer Burger King and Arbys. I wonder which one I'll have today.
Mommy went to another movie last night--the Bee Movie. Wow, a whole movie about bees. That sounds exciting. Is it the sequel to ANTZ? I can't wait until they come up with Mosquitos. Is it any wonder I think I should be president. Bees--an entire movie about bees.....humans are pathetic.
Thanks to Dogster for making me dairy entry of the day. Thanks to HP for making my computer. Thanks for the Oscar for Best Dog in a Lead Dog Story, thanks to Mommy for having patience with me when I was a puppy and did silly things. Thanks to Jeff for being the best doggie stand up comic around. I still wish I could see him when he does his comedy routine at the local comedy clubs. They won't allow dogs because we are funnier than the humans. I'd like to request that PetSmart give obedience classes that better teach humans to obey. I would also hope that birds and turkeys are extinct thanks to Turkey Killing Day. Eat lots of turkey, zonk out and sleep, and dream about what you are going to get for Christmas.
Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate)
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