Adventures of a lead dog

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MOMMY DIDN'T COOK A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 23rd 2007 9:09 am
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I have a horrible thing to admit, and I want to get it out in the open before the other presidential candidates find out about it. Mommy didn't make a turkey yesterday. She did have some sliced turkey, but not a whole lucious bird. She fed us dogs----Angus steaks. I know that I want all the birds to die, but it honestly isn't my fault. I thought people had to roast a turkey on Turkey Killing Day. The commercials show people eating a giant turkey, and all of them are happy so I thought it was a law that people had to eat turkey. I didn't know Mommy had a choice and would be allowed to do as she pleases. When I become president, everyone will have to eat something from the bird family......IT WILL BE THE LAW! I told Mommy she is sabotaging my run for the presidency, and her reaction was---so you are eating steak....big deal. Yes Mommy, it is a BIG DEAL. The Angus cows aren't stealing my snow. The birds are. How do you get through to humans? Are they so intellectually challenged that they just don't understand anything you tell them. Next year there had better be a giant turkey roasting in the oven. I just wanted my supporters to hear it from me. I want you to know that if it were my choice, there would be 2 turkeys roasting in the oven-1 for the humans and 1 for us dogs. I know you will understand my problem since you dogs live in humans families, and those humans get some odd ideas about how they are in charge-which, of course, explains why the world in in such a mess. However........There's no need to fear....Demon Flash Bandit is here. I hope all you dogs had a nice Thanksgiving-----with lots of turkey and not Angue steak.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Deprived of Turkey)

 

Thanks for making my birthday so special

November 22nd 2007 9:45 am
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I want to thank all the dogs out there who were so nice to me yesterday. I had a wonderful day. For those of you who asked, I had Burger King for dinner. I really love BK's little burgers. I still have some friend requests and paw mail to take care of. I'll get to it. I was a bit overwhelmed, but it was a wonderful birthday, and I want to thank all you lovely people on dogster. I loved all the special gifts on my page. Mommy went and got me and Angel each squeaky toys with 9 squeakys in them. I am so happy. Angel loves hers too. The great thing about it is that I will get a gift on Angel's birthday too--something about not having us try to kill each other over toys. Mommy had 3 boys so evidently, their childhood disagreements made Mommy cynical.
I did have a wonderful birthday, and even Mommy and Jeff were touched that so many people cared. I also appreciate all the support for my presidential run. Angel even officially withdrew from the race yesterday. I knew that video of her dancing with Jeff would be valuable. HAHAHA She actually wrote her own diary yesterday. I was writing one for her because I felt sorry for her because she had to spend so much time making Jeff funny and puppy slapping him over his stand up comedy. I do love Angel--I just don't want to share my dingo bones with her. Anyway, I did write it from her point of view which isn't difficult since her main interests are her cell phone, her make-up, and handsome guys like Capt Jack Sparrow. She still doesn't want to believe he is only a character that is made up. She is only a puppy. I guess it is more fun for her to have her fantasies so I try not to upset her too much. I still think Duchess on Snow Dogs was one hot dog-----and she isn't a made up character. She is a real live husky. I think Capt Jack Sparrow might be computer animated because he looks too handsome to be real. Again, I will let Angel have her dreams.
Today is Turkey Killing Day which you humans like to refer to as Thanksgiving. You call it what you want, and I'll call it what I want. I'm hoping that tomorrow there will be a news story about so many people eating turkey for dinner today that the turkeys are now extinct. Next year could then become pigeon killing day. I think there are humans that don't particularly like pigeons so it might catch on even better. Let's hope next year itwill be Happy Pigeon Killing Day!!!!!
I have been thinking about banning the use of leashes, but then I've heard about dogs running free and getting killed so I've got to put some more thought into that idea. Some things the humans do are in our own best interest.
I hope everyone has a nice holiday, and eat some extra turkey for the Deemster.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who had a GREAT birthday)

 

While you enjoy Turky Killing Day, remember to vote for me- for President

November 21st 2007 9:35 am
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WOW!!! Today is my fourth birthday (I have to wake up to write a diary entry yet Mommy hasn't up-dated my profile in ages). It says I am 2. Of course, being human she has an excuse or I should say lots of excuses......she isn't a computer nerd (like that isn't obvious when she has no idea how to cut and paste, and it took her about a year to learn how to up-load a photo). DO NOT ASK THE COMPUTER GEEK BROTHER ABOUT THE COMPUTER. That is how I know it is up-load instead of down-load. He went into a 3 hour tirade about it. If it wasn't for my high intelligence and above average napping skills, I would have had to listen to him for more then 2 minutes. She also said something really stupid about having a life which is totally hilarious. If I had her life, I would never get up from my nap. Up-dating my profile would be the most fun thing she could do. Maybe she can't handle so much fun and excitement. Then she said something about how she spends way too much time cleaning up after Puddles and the Phantom Dog. I have never in my life made a mess in the house. It is always the Phantom Dog who happens to look like me, but it is a coincidence or his name would be Demon--not the Phantom Dog. It took a while to get such logical thinking through to Mommy. Humans just aren't as smart as us dogs. I can't help it if the Phantom Dog knocks things down when he is trying to look out the window to see what is going on outside, and why do builders put the windows so high? Why don't they make a doggie window so we can see if there is any danger lurking just outside the door?

I WAS SO THRILLED TO BE CHOSEN AS DOGGIE DIARY ENTRY OF THE DAY. Mommy told me, and I was so excited that I actually woke up. Then I realized that she would expect me to write another one. Angel hasn't been keeping up to date with hers because she is still helping Jeff with his stand up comedy. She said she is afraid she will get a sore paw from giving him puppy slaps of justice. He is always trying to sit down. I've covered this in my diary entries, but Angel is now jealous, and I told her to give Jeff a few extra puppy slaps of justice to make her feel better. Sometimes she just tries to kiss him to death. When Angel kisses you, she kisses you, She will hold you down and kiss you until she is ready to stop which might take awhile. Jeff is one of those cry babies who says he can't breathe--like that is serious. I love it when Angel is kissing the humans because it keeps her out of my toys.

Since it is my birthday, Mommy is planning to get me some new toys and treats. I usually get a squeaky with a bunch of squeakies in it. Mommy knows how much I love the squeakys. She hasn't gotten me anything yet. She says she can't buy my gift ahead of time because I go through all her bags when she goes shopping. I have to check and see what she has gotten for me. I can smell a dog toy or treat from 5 miles away. By the way, why does Mommy not let me have Dove chocolate bars? I love those milky sweet bars, and she always takes them from me. Being an enterprising dog, I have managed to get a few bites here and there. I am still on my candy is good for you because it tastes good campaign. I love those tropical flavor Mike and Ikes and the little red Swedish Fish. Mommy still thinks I should only get a little of it on occasion. I still say the humans are hoarding the candy for themselves. You should see them stuff their faces with MY CANDY.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Turkey Killing Day tomorrow. I'd like to celebrate by killing some birds, but Mommy won't let me. I have explained how evil they are, but the humans just don't get it. I wish the humans could speak fluent bird, and then they would understand. That "lovely song" they are singing is actually, 'let's steal all the snow, and cause global warming, and kill all the humans, then the la la la the humans hear is actually ha ha ha.

I also want to remind all you dogs that I am running for President. I don't have to tell you that humans just can't be trusted to run things. They have a very small brain, and they waste much valuable time worrying about such silly stuff.....they actually clean their houses (okay, Mommy is too smart for that, but a lot of humans do). They go to jobs and work. Ask any dog--we don't work. I'm a working breed and I prefer to nap. I also think sled dog racing should be banned. Those dogs would be much happier taking a nap not running around pulling some stupid human who wants to win. Why don't they have a sleeping contest. That would be worth getting involved in. I will give humans credit. They do have a hot dog eating contest which is very cool. I won't take part myself because I don't like hot dogs. I perfer Burger King and Arbys. I wonder which one I'll have today.

Mommy went to another movie last night--the Bee Movie. Wow, a whole movie about bees. That sounds exciting. Is it the sequel to ANTZ? I can't wait until they come up with Mosquitos. Is it any wonder I think I should be president. Bees--an entire movie about bees.....humans are pathetic.

Thanks to Dogster for making me dairy entry of the day. Thanks to HP for making my computer. Thanks for the Oscar for Best Dog in a Lead Dog Story, thanks to Mommy for having patience with me when I was a puppy and did silly things. Thanks to Jeff for being the best doggie stand up comic around. I still wish I could see him when he does his comedy routine at the local comedy clubs. They won't allow dogs because we are funnier than the humans. I'd like to request that PetSmart give obedience classes that better teach humans to obey. I would also hope that birds and turkeys are extinct thanks to Turkey Killing Day. Eat lots of turkey, zonk out and sleep, and dream about what you are going to get for Christmas.

Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate)

 

Let's All Kill Some Birds

November 20th 2007 12:26 pm
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I had to get up from my nap to write this diary entry. Maybe Angel has a point about being mis-treated by the humans. How is a dog supposed to get enough sleep when he is expected to be awake 2 or 3 hours a day? Don't they know that dreamland beats awakeland every time?

It has been realtively warm for November. I think Mother Nature is trying to annoyAngel and me. She must be talking to Mommy again. Mommys must have some kind of conspiracy to keep the huskies warm. We prefer cold. Angel said she would be willing to give Mother Nature some puppy slaps of justice, but I think that might not be a good idea because we don't want to make Mother Nature mad at us. They used to do that on a margarine commerical, and the results weren't desirable.

I am anxiously awaiting the turkey killing results. I hope a lot of those little feathered snow stealing rodents won't be alive to celebrate Christmas. Remember, all you dogs need to eat a lot of turkey. If your family isn't having turkey, go outside and kill any bird you see. You have the permission and blessing of Demon Flash Bandit, bird hater.

DemonFlash Bandit (Bird Hater)

 

What Thanksgiving Means to the Deemster

November 19th 2007 10:07 am
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Last night Mommy went to see the movie, Beowolf, and I was really annoyed to find out it was about a man. Shouldn't Beowolf be the story of a wolf named Beo? Hollywood never gets anything right, do they?

Yesterday I gave the history of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a holiday that is celetrated here in the United States. For all you dogs who live in other countries, you have to come up with your own bird killing holiday. The US is such a great country. How many countries have a holiday dedicated to stuffing your face?

I would like to list some things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my human family, Burger KIng, Arbys, ice cream, candy, snow, ice, cold, dingo bones, rawhide bones, squeaky toys, and cars for going bye bye. There are more things, but I think you get the idea. I hope all you dogs out there have a lot to be thankful for, and kill as many birds as you can. Oh yeah, I'm also thankful that Mommy got Angel a hot dog costume which has provided me with hours of entertainment. HAHA

Demon Flash Bandit (Thankful Dog)

 

Turkey Killing Day

November 18th 2007 8:35 am
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Mommy went out last night, and came home with some fun treats including some tasty dried salmon (I have no idea why it was only a 4 oz. bag--Angel and I wanted 50 pounds of the salmon). Mommy said it was supposed to be a treat, and it was. Angel and I ate the entire bag. We told Mommy to get more of that stuff the next time she goes to Petco. Angel was so excited to get an actual bone--we got rawhide bones too, but we each got a real bone-or the Deemster got 2 (I love D.F.B. math), but Angel seems to have a problem grasping that math. She prefers A.Z.S. math, but that math is wrong.

I heard something about Thanksgiving coming up soon. Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday because it gets rid of countless turkeys who belong to the bird family, and all you dogs who read my entries know how much I hate birds. Those little feathered rodents stealing my snow, and singing and taunting me about it. The first Thanksgiving (for those of you who slept in history class--again, you know who you are) is a time for giving thanks. It all started many years ago when the Pilgrims came to this country. They were pleased to see a pleasant climate, and then the snow left and the Native Americans told them it was the birds' fault, and they got together and killed a bunch of snow stealing low life turkeys, and then they roasted them and had the first Thanksgiving. You may have heard a slightly different version of the story, but the Demon Flash Bandit version is the correct one. The Native Americans had the intelligence to listen to their dogs. By the way, do you think it would make a less impressive story if the Pilgrims had micro-waved the first Thanksgiving dinner. Mrs. Pilgrim would say.....look how hard I had to work. It took me 45 minutes to heat enough food for the entire family, and now I have to throw away the paper plates and put the regular dinnerware in the dishwasher. I'm tired of all this work. Let's eat out next Thanksgiving. Mr. Pilgrim would be watching a football game, and all would give thanks that they can zonk out and do nothing for the rest of the day. Oh yeah, that is how we celebrate now. (I do know some of you do actually cook, but a lot of you don't so I'm covering the fun group--dogs would be in the fun group ourselves). I think all the women are giving thanks that Mr. Wave invented the micro-wave oven so now we can all nuke our food, and stand and complain because it is taking a whole 30 seconds to heat our dinner--I always enjoyed Homer Simpson complaining about the micro-wave taking too long--he is a true American). Anyway, I hope all of you dogs have learned something from this Thanksgiving history lesson. Happy Turkey Killing Day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Squashing Historic Rumors)

 

I'm Almost Certain Dogs Like to Walk

November 17th 2007 7:34 am
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Does anyone remember this song done by Chicago:????

Saturday in the park ..... It's time to take the dog for a walk
Another day in the park..... It's time to take the dog for a walk
People laughing People smiling ..... It's time to take the dog for a walk
Singing about walking the dog ...... The dog wants to go for a walk

I was listening to this oldies hit and wondering why my family never wants to take me for a walk. I am the lead dog. It is MY WALK. They are supposed to go where I want to go. If that happens to be a bit out of the way so I can examine a dead rodent, so be it. What if the rodent isn't actually dead, and he mutates into a killer rodent who then proceeds to destroy the world? I can warn the humans and maybe kill him before it happens. Also, dead birds need to be examined because they are the type of creature who will "play dead' and then get up and steal our snow. Jeff says he won't take me for a walk if I am un-cooperative and he has to carry me home. I am so tired of these constant accusations. I've told them over and over that obedience school is a total waste of time and money because they will never learn to obey. They aren't the smartest family of humans in the world, but I love them anyway. Now that I think about it, walks are over-rated. You get your paws dirty, and it cuts into nap time.
I think it is time to go. I feel a nap coming on.

Demon Flash Bandit (Leader of the Walk)

 

Does Anyone Really Like Their Dentist?

November 16th 2007 6:49 am
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Snow Dogs was such an excellent movie. I particularly liked the part where the sled was about to go over the cliff until Demon pulled out his switchblade, cut the ropes and saved the dogs. Then he said, "I have no idea why you silly humans drag us out of our nice warm beds to pull a stupid sled with you fat (I don't care if you only weigh 60 pounds--we dogs say you are too fat) humans who are annoying us with your silly mushing race. Have you never heard of jet skis? We do not enjoy running and having to pull your fat butts through the snow. Now there is one less dentist in the world and I don't know anyone who actually likes their dentist." That speech was so beautiful, it brought a tear to my eyes, and I loved watching the dentist and Lightning Jack go tumbling down the cliff. It reminded me of Toonses the Cat driving a car only without the car. By the way, cats should not be allowed to drive but I digress. The point is that dogs keep having to do stupid things that humans want them to do even when there isn't a good reason to do them. I have some news for the humans out there. I do not enjoy pulling a sled. I don't know where you humans get these ideas. Did you ask the dogs? If you did, you would learn that they have better things to do like taking naps. If you interview all the people working instead of assuming they are loving their jobs, you might get a real surprise to find that most of them don't like to work and, we dogs are a lot smarter than you people. If you have learned that working isn't fun, do you think we can't figure it out? The same goes for horses. Try asking them before you expect them to work. I remember watching the tv program, Mr. Ed. He was a talking horse, and he wasn't discussing the joy of work. He was usually trying to get out of work. If you haven't seen the movie, Snow Dogs, it is a great movie. The star, Demon, should have received an Academy Award, but it went to some talentless human that year.

Demon Flash Bandit (Speaking for Dogs Everywhere)

 

I Loved Angel's Hot Dog Halloween Costume

November 15th 2007 7:51 am
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I had to wait for "Miss Drama Queen" to get off the computer. By the way, Angel, nice buns. HAHAHA She hates that so I have to say it. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the hot dog costume Mommy got for her. It has been hours of entertainment for me. She got mad at me bedcause I told her maybe next year she could go as a hamburger. I thought I was being very funny. I think she just has no sense of humor.

Jeff's comedy went well last night. Mommy even brought home a new squeaky toy for each of us. Actually, Angel's doesn't squeak, it rings which is funny because now she thinks her cell phone is ringing every time she plays with the toy. I haven't told her it is the toy. She is still looking for the toy's "squeaky". Actually, she is smart and figured it out, but it is more fun to call her an idiot.

I tried to negotiate some wages for my babysitting, but I had to settle for the new squeaky toy.

I'll write more tomorrow. Angel took up so much of my valuable computer time that I'm ready for a nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Underpaid Babysitter)

 

Busy Bones

November 14th 2007 9:45 am
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I can't write much today. I have to babysit for my other brother earlier than usual because Jeff is doing his stand up act in Ann Arbor. Angel says she hopes he remembers to stand up when she isn't there to administer her puppy slaps of justice. She has done her best so it isn't her fault if he sits down instead of standing. Humans can only learn so much--they don't have a dog's intellectual capacity, but they are so cute when they try.

Because I have to be brief, I won't get into anything too indepth today, but I do want to ask how a bone can be called a busy bone when it only lasts for about 5 minutes? Mommy brought me home a big one yesterday, and it took less than 5 minutes for me to devour it. Maybe it is a busy bone for a toy poodle, but not for a Siberian husky. I want a busy bone that actually keeps me busy. Mommy says it they made one that would keep me busy, it wouldn't fit in the van. I guess Mommy thinks she is a commedienne now. Anyway, I love the busy bones so it is nothing against the busy bone people, but couldn't you make one that is---maybe the size of a shoebox so a husky could stay busy? If I can devour it so quickly, I bet it doesn't stand a chance with a Great Dane. I've got to go now. I'll let you now how Jeff's stand up turned out. I've got to go try to negotiate some wages for my babysitting.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not Busy with a Busy Bone)

 
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