December 27th 2007 9:50 am
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The fate of the world lies in the capable paws of Demon Flash Bandit, Super Duper Dog. I was watching the movie Underdog, and it is truly an excellent movie, but also very unrealistic. Underdog shines shoes when he isn't busy being a hero. I am a super hero and I don't have time to shine shoes. I"m busy saving the world, rescuing peoplem, and napping--not necessarily in that order. My mild mannered secret identity is that I am president of the US. My busy schedule leaves me no time to shine shoes.
Angel and I bought Mommy a cd for Christmas. It is called Santa Paws, and it has Christmas music done by dogs and cars. It is a great cd. Anyway Angel and I decided to get the Howling Huskies back together. Maybe we'll do a concert tour.
I've got to go now and take a nap. If you are in tourble, don't be slow, just call my name, but don't expect me to rescue you if I"m napping. I can't save everyone.
Demon Flash Bandit (Super Duper Dog)
December 26th 2007 10:37 am
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Yesterday was such a nice day, and then comes the day after. No Santa Paws, no presents, no extra treats for the dog. I think we should just have Christmas everyday because I really like getting new toys and the extra treats are nothing to complain about either except for the disgusting grilled chicken treat Mommy bought that I didn't like. She even bought us yogurt drops for dogs. I used to love to eat Flash, the rabbit's yogurt treats. I also liked to eat his gourmet rabbit food. Mommy says I must think I'm a rabbit because I hate dog food, but I loved his rabbit food. It had dried mangoes, bananas and other dried fruit. I love dried fruit. It is sweet and crunchy--a perfect doggie match.
All the humans went out for Chinese food, and then they saw a movie. I think they had a nice time. I don't know why you would see National Treasues, Book of Secrets and not bring any treasure home with you. I was hoping it was be a cache with millions of dollars worth of dingo bones. That is a treasure you can sink your teethin into. HAHA
Mommy is going to leave soon to mail some packages for e-bay so I've got to get off the computer and guard the door. I always try to go with her. Its my purpose in life. She should just take me everywhere so I don't have to go to so much trouble. I hope Christmas was wonderful for all you dogs out there.
Demon Flash Bandit (Rabbit Food Tester)
December 25th 2007 8:36 am
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I have to admit Mr. Paws came through for Angel and me. I got a large squeaky bone with squeakys on both sides, and a big Santa squeaky. He brought us lots of treats and Mommy bought us a box of dog cookies that I love made with molasses. She knows I love them. I hope Santa Paws was good to all you dogs out there. I feel sorry for the ones at the shelters. Mommy says the local shelter is nice. Every dog has a toy, and volunteers come to walk them everyday. They generally keep the dogs until they find homes for them. I guess that means they don't let them loose if they don't get adopted right away.
I had an interesting thought. I've written about dancing candy which are called sugar plums, and I realized that I have no idea what a sugar plum is. If visions were dancing in my head, they would be dingo bones, but I guess kids aren't as fond of dingo bones as us dogs. Anyway, what is a sugar plum? Is it a plum with sugar or is it sugar made from plums? Does it have nothing to do with plums, but just has the name to fool people. Anyway, if I see anything dancing my way that looks edible, I'll grab it, and I'll let you know how it is.
It has been a good day so far. I really love Christmas. Anyday when I get gifts is a good day on the Deemster calendar. I want to wish all the dogs on dogster a Merry Christmas and Happy Howlidays--and that goes double for my pals.
Demon Flash Bandit (Basking in Christmas Joy)
December 24th 2007 10:03 am
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It is Christmas Eve, and I am ready for Santa Paws to visit. Mommy came home last night with a couple of bags from PetSmart that she wouldn't let me have. At least Angel and I got some dingo bones. They were delicious Mommy and Jeff went to see a movie--Walk Hard. No, it wasn't about dogs, but Mommy said it had a giraffe and a monkey in it. Hollywood can be so stupid--not putting a dog in it. I would have had it star a dog. Of course, I would have every movie star a dog. It would be a vast improvement over what I am watching now.
I hope all you dogs have a wonderful Christmas. I've got to cut this entry a bit short because Blue, the missing husky has had a possible sighting near here, and Mommy is going to drive over and see if the dog is Blue. She also has some errands to run. She had better get me some extra BK--they will be closed on Christmas even though they are supposed to be open 24 hours a day. I'm sure their employees would rather be at BK than home. Isn't that true of all fast food workers--and all other workers for that matter? MOmmy said she bought us steak so I guess I'll survive. I ate the steak really good last time. Last night I had Arbys which is Angel's favorite.
May Santa Paws be particularly generous, and if he isn't bite his butt.
Demon Flash Bandit (Waiting for Christmas)
December 23rd 2007 8:54 am
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So far, I have been a bit disappointed. The Gingerbread Man, the Muffin Man, and the dancing candy (sugar plums) has not come anywhere near the Deemster and I was looking forward to having my snacks come to me. I guess I'll have to go and find some myself. A dog's work is never done. Maybe that Planters Mr. Peanut guy will walk by my house. I particularly love cashews.
I am pleased to announce that my paw hasn't given me anymore trouble. Jeff finally started decorating the tree. I think he should decorate it with actual candy. I think it would be lovely. Besides, it would be easier to un-decorate it after Christmas because I could just eat all the candy "ornaments". So far, Jeff isn't listening. Maybe he needs to get his hearing checked. I'm sure Santa Paws would like to see it decorated with candy. He looks like he has been into the candy jar himself.
Mommy stayed home yesterday (except for getting my BK) I don't mind Mommy going out as long as I'm going with her. There are places I can't go, but when I become president, things are going to change. I don't think anyplace should be off limits for a dog--except a kennel or crate. HAHA The humans can't out-smart Demon Flash Bandit.
I hope all you dogs have a nice weekend.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants Snacks to Visit)
December 22nd 2007 6:21 pm
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I know I wrote earlier today, but I happened to realize that some of you dogs might be wondering how I knew that Guliani sent the thugs to try to break my paw. There were several ways to tell. They had New York accents, I heard them say that my paw was hurt because of terrorists, and they had to run away because they didn't know how to drive. Guliani should know that he can't fool a dog as smart as I am. I heard one of his speeches, and I think he is losing it. He mentioned the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor that says, "give me your tired, your poor- yearning to breathe free. Tell them to stay in the boat or we will shoot. If that dog, Demon Flash Bandit becomes president, he will kill all the birds, and I have been allied with them for years. I will take over the world........" Yes, he is scary, but lucky for me, his thugs weren't the smartest thugs in the thuggery. If any of you dogs happen to see any thugs running by your house, bite them.
Demon Flash Bandit ( Thug Hater)
December 22nd 2007 10:16 am
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Whoever said politics is a nasty business couldn't have been more correct. I didn't write an entry yesterday, and I have to explain why I didn't get around to writing. I was on the couch looking out the huge window and admiring the snow on the ground which is something I enjoy doing. The next thing I knew I was on the floor unable to walk. Although I am running for president, I have no secret service people guarding me so Guliani (or however you spell that loser's name) hired some thugs to break in and throw me off the couch. No, I didn't jump and hurt my back paw in the process--that would have been clumsy on my part. The thugs broke in and tried to break my paw. Fortunately Mommy and Jeff came in when they heard the crash, and the thugs took off running like scared girls.
Mommy and Jeff were so terrified because I was laying in the floor going around in circles because I couldn't get up. Finally I managed to get up, and I limped to the bedroom on 3 paws. The vet was in a meeting, and wasn't answering the phone for 20 minutes. (Yes, Mommy was very impressed with that message-------not.) Anyway, I was scared and panting, and Mommy petted me until the vet got out of the meeting. Then a miracle happened. I got up and started walking. Those thugs hadn't actually broken my paw. Sure it hurt, but it wasn't broken. Now I'm running again, and Mommy and Jeff are very relieved.
Angel was so nice when my paw was hurt. She stayed close to me, and made sure I was okay. I hate to admit it, but she is a very sweet dog. Of course, last night, she still tried to steal my dingo bone so she still has her "bad dog" moments. I would never think of guarding my stuff from Angel--I am just trying to keep her from getting fat. I am such a sweet dog.
Anyway, I just wanted to explain why I didn't write yesterday. Being a presidential candidate has its down side. I would send some Dobermans to take care of Guliani, but I refuse to get into illegal politics. I think the American dogs expect more from me than that. I plan to stick to the issues, and I might add that not one other candidate is running on the "kill the birds" issue.
At least Christmas is getting closer. I always get nice stuff for Christmas. I bet Angel will be very excited. She asked me why we suddenly have a "tree" in the livingroom. She also wanted to know why it looked like a tree, but didn't smell or feel like a tree. I explained that it is a fake tree. Mommy had real ones growing up--always a cedar tree, but my older brother, Robby, almost spent his first Christmas in the hospital, and the dr. said he might be allergic to the tree so Mommy hasn't used a real tree since. (Mommy's sister is allergic to pine trees). Angel said it looks good. It isn't decorated yet because Jeff wanted to give Angel a chance to get used to it before putting all the stuff on it. I think he was just too lazy to decorate it yesterday, but I give him credit, the kid knows how to come up with excuses.
I want to announce that I am still running for president, and if my paw had been hurt, I'd be limping for president. I will not back down. I will not give up. I will keep fighting for truth, puppy slaps of justice, and people food in every bowl. Thanks for everyone's support.
Demon Flash Bandit (Victim of Heinous Crime)
December 20th 2007 10:27 am
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Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
The only creature stirring was larger than a mouse.
The dog booties were hung by the chimney with care.
They got thrown in the fire-Demon will not booties wear.
The humans were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of candy danced in Demon's head.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Demon went to the window to see what was the matter
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Made Demon's heart take on a glow.
Then in a twinkling Demon heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of dumb reindeer's hoofs
Then Demon happened to turn around
Down Santa Paws came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his paws.
He looked like a dog from his nose to his claws.
His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry
His nose was so red, Demon knew he'd been into the sherry.
He spoke not a work, but went straight ot his work.
He put squeaky toys under the tree and turned with a jerk
And laying his paw aside of his nose
Giving a nod up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sled--to his team gave a whistle.
Those stupid reindeer too off like a mistle.
The only sad thing is they left him behind.
Now Santa Paws is really in a bind.
I'll help you, I said, waking Angel up too.
We are sled dogs-we'll do what the reindeer can't do
We'll help you and all that we ask in return
Is for you to give all the dogs the things that they yearn.
Santa agreed so we took off and made quite a sight.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
I hope all of you dogs have a wonderful Christmas, and get all the toys and treats you want.
Demon Flash Bandit (Rescue Dog)
December 19th 2007 11:47 am
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Recently I covered the subject of the gingerbread man, an annoying cookie who actually had the nerve to run away. I was listening the the tv the other day, and I heard a song asking me if I knew someone called the Muffin Man and it even gave his partial address which, if you ask me, is not a wise idea. Didn't Muffin Mommy teach him anything about safety? Anyway, there is this song about him which doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to the Deemster. One verse asks if someone knows him and then another verse answers that they do. I don't know why it is so important to know this Muffin Man. Does he own a thriving bakery? Is he holding an important political office? Does he own most of the town? So far, I have discovered no good reason to know the Muffin Man, and I did a thorough background check. Then I realized that the Muffin man is walking around and the Gingerbread Man is running away from people and I saw the connection. Muffins are also bakery items so, I deduced that the bakery items are running amok on the streets. I would be worried, but I kind of like the idea that I could be walking to the car, encounter the Gingerbread Man or the Muffin Man and it is SNACK TIME FOR THE DEEMSTER!!!! I am hoping I hear a song about the Dove Chocolate Candy Bar Man. I love chocolate; but, as some of you who read my diary entries already know, Mommy loves to take it away from me. My new motto is: Don't mess with the dog's chocolate. I think the humans just came up with the "it can kill a dog" garbage so they can hoard it for themselves. Have you ever watched the humans "wolf" down the candy? I think if the humans are going to worry so much about what we eat, they should be eating tofu and wheat germ themselves. I've seen what they eat, and they must not think the nutrition rules apply to them--only to us dogs. Since Christmas is coming up, I'm really excited because I've heard about "visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads" which makes me believe that there must be some dancing candy out there somewhere. Fleeing Gingerbread, Muffin Men who walk around, and Sugar Plums that know how to dance. The Deemster is going to be eating good. Christmas is truly a magical time.
Notice to all dogs: Be on the lookout for moving snacks possibly coming to your area. Enjoy!!
Demon Flash Bandit (Food Critic)
December 18th 2007 10:12 am
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Jeff took off the entire day yesterday. He was out with his friends for about 12 hours. I thought he should stay home, but he never listens to me. Angel gave him the "Dino" treatment when he got home. Angel likes to kiss, and since Jeff is 6' 2", she has to jump to kiss his face which apparently can knock people down. Jeff didn't get knocked down, but she kept trying. That should teach him to stay home, but Jeff isn't the smartest banana in the bunch. I think that sounds better than saying Jeff is stupid which I didn't say because I'm talking about bananas.
Perhaps I should re-think that whole idea I had about Jeff writing a movie script for me. I don't want to be known as the dog who stars in a really bad movie like Manos, Hands of Fate or Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It could end up like one of those movies directed by Ed Wood (Plan 9 From Outer Space). Mommy loved the movie about Ed Wood starring Johhny Depp. Ed Wood made a lot of very low budget movies. In one movie, the tombstones were made out of cardboard. I guess I'll have to take the risk. Besides, Jeff is actually a pretty good writer. He helps Angel with her diary entries from time to time, and when he messes up, Angel has to give him puppy slaps of justice. Angel likes him to type what she tells him to because she is still a puppy, and typing takes a long time for her. Of course, sometimes the kid takes liberties with what Angel has said, and then he gets puppy slaps of justice unless she likes what he wrote better than what she said. If it were me, I'd just type what she says, but then there is the whole banana reference in my earlier paragraph which explains a lot. After giving the matter a lot of consideration (a whole 3 seconds), I'll let Jeff write the script. I realized a very important fact: I would be the star so it is impossible for it to be a bad movie. People would rush to the theatres just to see me, Demon Flash Bandit, on the big screen. No, Angel, you are so silly. Of course, people would want to see me on the big screen. If you don't change your attitude, I 'll tell Jeff not to include you in my movie. No I don't have a big ego. I've got to go have a long talk with Angel Zoom Smokey. I know she is a puppy, but even a puppy should know that I should be a star.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Vision)
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