Adventures of a lead dog

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Politics is a Rough Business

December 22nd 2007 10:16 am
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Whoever said politics is a nasty business couldn't have been more correct. I didn't write an entry yesterday, and I have to explain why I didn't get around to writing. I was on the couch looking out the huge window and admiring the snow on the ground which is something I enjoy doing. The next thing I knew I was on the floor unable to walk. Although I am running for president, I have no secret service people guarding me so Guliani (or however you spell that loser's name) hired some thugs to break in and throw me off the couch. No, I didn't jump and hurt my back paw in the process--that would have been clumsy on my part. The thugs broke in and tried to break my paw. Fortunately Mommy and Jeff came in when they heard the crash, and the thugs took off running like scared girls.
Mommy and Jeff were so terrified because I was laying in the floor going around in circles because I couldn't get up. Finally I managed to get up, and I limped to the bedroom on 3 paws. The vet was in a meeting, and wasn't answering the phone for 20 minutes. (Yes, Mommy was very impressed with that message-------not.) Anyway, I was scared and panting, and Mommy petted me until the vet got out of the meeting. Then a miracle happened. I got up and started walking. Those thugs hadn't actually broken my paw. Sure it hurt, but it wasn't broken. Now I'm running again, and Mommy and Jeff are very relieved.
Angel was so nice when my paw was hurt. She stayed close to me, and made sure I was okay. I hate to admit it, but she is a very sweet dog. Of course, last night, she still tried to steal my dingo bone so she still has her "bad dog" moments. I would never think of guarding my stuff from Angel--I am just trying to keep her from getting fat. I am such a sweet dog.
Anyway, I just wanted to explain why I didn't write yesterday. Being a presidential candidate has its down side. I would send some Dobermans to take care of Guliani, but I refuse to get into illegal politics. I think the American dogs expect more from me than that. I plan to stick to the issues, and I might add that not one other candidate is running on the "kill the birds" issue.
At least Christmas is getting closer. I always get nice stuff for Christmas. I bet Angel will be very excited. She asked me why we suddenly have a "tree" in the livingroom. She also wanted to know why it looked like a tree, but didn't smell or feel like a tree. I explained that it is a fake tree. Mommy had real ones growing up--always a cedar tree, but my older brother, Robby, almost spent his first Christmas in the hospital, and the dr. said he might be allergic to the tree so Mommy hasn't used a real tree since. (Mommy's sister is allergic to pine trees). Angel said it looks good. It isn't decorated yet because Jeff wanted to give Angel a chance to get used to it before putting all the stuff on it. I think he was just too lazy to decorate it yesterday, but I give him credit, the kid knows how to come up with excuses.
I want to announce that I am still running for president, and if my paw had been hurt, I'd be limping for president. I will not back down. I will not give up. I will keep fighting for truth, puppy slaps of justice, and people food in every bowl. Thanks for everyone's support.

Demon Flash Bandit (Victim of Heinous Crime)


Demon's Christmas Eve by: Demon Flash Bandit

December 20th 2007 10:27 am
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Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
The only creature stirring was larger than a mouse.
The dog booties were hung by the chimney with care.
They got thrown in the fire-Demon will not booties wear.
The humans were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of candy danced in Demon's head.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Demon went to the window to see what was the matter
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Made Demon's heart take on a glow.
Then in a twinkling Demon heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of dumb reindeer's hoofs
Then Demon happened to turn around
Down Santa Paws came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his paws.
He looked like a dog from his nose to his claws.
His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry
His nose was so red, Demon knew he'd been into the sherry.
He spoke not a work, but went straight ot his work.
He put squeaky toys under the tree and turned with a jerk
And laying his paw aside of his nose
Giving a nod up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sled--to his team gave a whistle.
Those stupid reindeer too off like a mistle.
The only sad thing is they left him behind.
Now Santa Paws is really in a bind.
I'll help you, I said, waking Angel up too.
We are sled dogs-we'll do what the reindeer can't do
We'll help you and all that we ask in return
Is for you to give all the dogs the things that they yearn.
Santa agreed so we took off and made quite a sight.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

I hope all of you dogs have a wonderful Christmas, and get all the toys and treats you want.

Demon Flash Bandit (Rescue Dog)


Who is This Muffin Man?

December 19th 2007 11:47 am
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Recently I covered the subject of the gingerbread man, an annoying cookie who actually had the nerve to run away. I was listening the the tv the other day, and I heard a song asking me if I knew someone called the Muffin Man and it even gave his partial address which, if you ask me, is not a wise idea. Didn't Muffin Mommy teach him anything about safety? Anyway, there is this song about him which doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to the Deemster. One verse asks if someone knows him and then another verse answers that they do. I don't know why it is so important to know this Muffin Man. Does he own a thriving bakery? Is he holding an important political office? Does he own most of the town? So far, I have discovered no good reason to know the Muffin Man, and I did a thorough background check. Then I realized that the Muffin man is walking around and the Gingerbread Man is running away from people and I saw the connection. Muffins are also bakery items so, I deduced that the bakery items are running amok on the streets. I would be worried, but I kind of like the idea that I could be walking to the car, encounter the Gingerbread Man or the Muffin Man and it is SNACK TIME FOR THE DEEMSTER!!!! I am hoping I hear a song about the Dove Chocolate Candy Bar Man. I love chocolate; but, as some of you who read my diary entries already know, Mommy loves to take it away from me. My new motto is: Don't mess with the dog's chocolate. I think the humans just came up with the "it can kill a dog" garbage so they can hoard it for themselves. Have you ever watched the humans "wolf" down the candy? I think if the humans are going to worry so much about what we eat, they should be eating tofu and wheat germ themselves. I've seen what they eat, and they must not think the nutrition rules apply to them--only to us dogs. Since Christmas is coming up, I'm really excited because I've heard about "visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads" which makes me believe that there must be some dancing candy out there somewhere. Fleeing Gingerbread, Muffin Men who walk around, and Sugar Plums that know how to dance. The Deemster is going to be eating good. Christmas is truly a magical time.
Notice to all dogs: Be on the lookout for moving snacks possibly coming to your area. Enjoy!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Food Critic)


I Should be a Star

December 18th 2007 10:12 am
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Jeff took off the entire day yesterday. He was out with his friends for about 12 hours. I thought he should stay home, but he never listens to me. Angel gave him the "Dino" treatment when he got home. Angel likes to kiss, and since Jeff is 6' 2", she has to jump to kiss his face which apparently can knock people down. Jeff didn't get knocked down, but she kept trying. That should teach him to stay home, but Jeff isn't the smartest banana in the bunch. I think that sounds better than saying Jeff is stupid which I didn't say because I'm talking about bananas.

Perhaps I should re-think that whole idea I had about Jeff writing a movie script for me. I don't want to be known as the dog who stars in a really bad movie like Manos, Hands of Fate or Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It could end up like one of those movies directed by Ed Wood (Plan 9 From Outer Space). Mommy loved the movie about Ed Wood starring Johhny Depp. Ed Wood made a lot of very low budget movies. In one movie, the tombstones were made out of cardboard. I guess I'll have to take the risk. Besides, Jeff is actually a pretty good writer. He helps Angel with her diary entries from time to time, and when he messes up, Angel has to give him puppy slaps of justice. Angel likes him to type what she tells him to because she is still a puppy, and typing takes a long time for her. Of course, sometimes the kid takes liberties with what Angel has said, and then he gets puppy slaps of justice unless she likes what he wrote better than what she said. If it were me, I'd just type what she says, but then there is the whole banana reference in my earlier paragraph which explains a lot. After giving the matter a lot of consideration (a whole 3 seconds), I'll let Jeff write the script. I realized a very important fact: I would be the star so it is impossible for it to be a bad movie. People would rush to the theatres just to see me, Demon Flash Bandit, on the big screen. No, Angel, you are so silly. Of course, people would want to see me on the big screen. If you don't change your attitude, I 'll tell Jeff not to include you in my movie. No I don't have a big ego. I've got to go have a long talk with Angel Zoom Smokey. I know she is a puppy, but even a puppy should know that I should be a star.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Vision)


Delightful Weather

December 17th 2007 8:51 am
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I've decided that I might have a solution to the whole "money for my presidential campaign" situation. I told Jeff to write a movie script starring me, Demon Flash Bandit. I've heard that the studios pay the stars a lot of money, and it looks easy enough. I can play the part of the handsome leading dog, and then I'll make lots of money and it won't interfere with my nap time. The advantage is that, as a celebrity, I can endorse myself for president which is a win-win situation for me. I also don't mind the attention that stars get. The coolest thing is that I can later show up at places where people will pay for my paw print (and I've been putting muddy paw prints all over the house and on Mommy's clothes free of charge).
Mommy had planned to go to West Branch yesterday to a friend's anniversary party, but the roads here were bad which meant we got to keep Mommy at home. It is the greatest weather we have had in ages. I know any huskies who live in our area are thrilled with the lovely, delightful weather. When I'm inside, I sit at the window and admire the snow. Snow is so beautiful.
Have a good week!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (STAR)


Where Is My Bank Account?

December 16th 2007 11:16 am
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I got up from my nap and I've been seriously thinking about the whole cash situation. As those of you who have read my other entries are aware, the humans aren't paying us dogs for our many valuable services. Imagine how upset I've been since I asked Mommy to take a couple of million dollars out of my bank account to pay for my presidentail campaign, and she tells me I have no bank account. I thought she would get it out of hers, and then she tells me that she doesn't have millions of dollars. I realized then that I had not been adopted by a rich family, and that annoyed me greatly. No wonder I'm eating at Burger King instead of Outback. I thought my family was just cheap and now I realize they aren't being cheap, they are not wealthy. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I told Mommy that it would be a lot nicer for the dog if she did have millions in the bank. She didn't disagree with me, but she said she doesn't think it is going to happen, and she doesn't seem to care. Mommy knows how much I like money. She has found it in my stash with my milkbones and my candy bars which were just sitting behind stuff in a cabinet where any dog could open the door, knock out some stuff, and grab them. If she didn't want me to find them, why hide them in such obvious places? I've heard that people actually work for money but that would seriously interfere with my nap time. I'll continue working on this problem, and I'll let you dogs know if I find a solution. It is very important that all of you know that you aren't getting paid. Next time you are about to destroy something, remember that the humans aren't paying you for the service. I don't care if the new carpet is a decorating nightmare. Let the humans put up with it!!!!!

Mommy's friends sent some Christmas gifts that arrived Friday. They put little bags of chocolate covered peanut butter pieces to decorate the packages. They made the packages look so festive and pretty. Yesterday, the candy mysteriously disappeared from the packages. I happened to be sitting on the bed with a bag of candy that looked like the ones on the packages--it even had red and green ribbon on it. Of course, I immediately got blamed for "taking" the candy. I didn't take the candy. It was just sitting there waiting to be eaten. Isn't that what you do with candy? I assumed one bag was for me and the other for Angel--it was out "gift". I might add that it was a very thoughtful and appreciated gift. Mommy took the candy, and I am still annoyed. No only do I realize that I am not being paid, but Mommy is always taking the dog's candy. I will keep you dogs up-dated on the situation, and what we, as dogs, can do about this problem.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Has to Eat BK instead of Outback)


Alvin and the Chipmunks are the Greatest!

December 15th 2007 9:10 am
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I don't think I will ever understand humans. Mommy went to see a movie, The Perfect Holiday. There was no way it could be a perfect holiday---there were no dogs in the movie. Yes, I said no dogs. Can humans get any dumber? At least Alvin and the Chipmunks is now playing. Those Chipmunks are such good singers. I particularly love the Christmas song about Alvin wanting a hula hoop. I have no idea what a hula hoop is, but it sounds like something fun to chew.
Mommy spent most of the day yesterday getting Christmas cards ready to mail. I guess that is a good sign which means that Christmas must be coming soon which means that I will get lots of presents. I like getting presents. I hope Blue finds his way home before Christmas. I wouldn't want him to miss all the treats and gifts. I know his family would love to have him come home in time for Christmas.
I've got some presidential "issues" to deal with so I have to stop writing and start being "presidentail". Have a good weekend!

Demon Flash Bandit (Rocking with Alvin)


Angel Won't Fit in Box

December 14th 2007 2:27 pm
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I have been a very busy dog. I didnt' even get to write my diary yesterday. Angel's famly sent a package, and Angel wanted to crawl into the box. She hasn't yet understood that she thinks like a puppy, but she has become the size of a big dog. I would explain it to her, but I don't want to get any puppy slaps of justice. She isn't too big--she is just right, but you know how girls are about their size. I'm not taking any chances.

Jeff is out with a friend again. What a waste of time! He could be out with me, but instead he wastes way too much time with the humans. Humans aren't an intelligent group, are they? I guess it is too much to expect them to be as smart as us dogs.

I think I should get off the computer and take a much deserved nap. I hope all you dogs have a good weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Busy Dog)


If I Were President........:

December 12th 2007 10:29 am
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I want to go on record as stating that I am very glad that Vick is going to prison. I just hope he stays there like he is supposed to. I don't want to see him getting out in 2 weeks for good behavior. He is lucky I'm not president at the moment. Guess who I would put in the jury---yes a jury of his puppies (peers and puppies both start with a p, don't they?). I bet he wouldn't just get prison if they were making the call. Maybe they could starve all the prisoners and then make them fight for food. I'm sure Vick would approve since that is what he did to the dogs. At least some of the humans are trying to get justice for us dogs, and Angel won't have to get a sore paw giving out so many puppy slaps of justice.
Jeff spent most of his spare time yesterday on the computer. I think the whole "I've got work to do for the store" excuse is just a reason to hog my computer, and to look up Star Trek and other movie trivia.
Mommy and I have been watching West Wing yesterday. I'm glad she has it because it is important that I see what it is like for the president. I will need to know these things when I get elected to the Oval Office. Maybe I'll make Angel Zoom Smokey the Attorney General. She can then dispense puppy slaps of justice whenever she wants. HAHA
I'm getting sleepy. I plan to go take a nap. Don't forget to vote for me. Dogs need to take a far more active role in running the world.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dispensing Angel Puppy Slaps of Justice)


Nap Time

December 11th 2007 10:30 am
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That idiot Jeff went out with a friend yesterday and didn't take me. I can understand him not taking Angel, but I"m one of the guys. We could have a lot of fun, but I get left behind. He and Mommy went out Sunday night and saw the movie, The Golden Compass. I don't think there are many movies playing that she hasn't seen already. I'm still wishing I could go see Alvin and the Chipmunks. Those Chipmunks know how to sing.
It is about time for me to take a nap, and things are kind of boring around here so I'll wish all of you well, and I hope you have sweet dreams.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sleepy Dog)

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